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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Reality check

90 replies

Cherub1066 · 27/08/2014 08:47

I'm in a somewhat on off relationship where partner wants more commitment and to move in with me. This hasn't happened as we have had several nasty break ups . He often seems to hate me and goes into a cycle of nastiness which he justifies as he has something from my past which he has used again and again.

Most recently we were on holiday together and had a row. The upshot was he told me there was no point being with me, I was a liar and a cheat and would never change, I had conned him into a relationship by telling him what he wanted to hear, I didn't want the things he wanted and If I got into another relationship I should inform the person that I had no time for them as a single mum. He then left, just walked off the holiday.

I texted and called saying this is silly and offered to pick him up at the station. He replied I was an entitled asshole and he didn't want to hear from me.

What I want to check is that, in the above circumstances, would you feel that you had been dumped? Because a few days later he started communicating normally and complaining I hadn't been in touch as I was "punishing" him and I was pathetic. He went on to tell me I was entitled etc and by taking offence at being told so, I am not "allowing" him an opinion.

I feel like he split up with me (again) and now is playing the injured party. He also totally justified everything he said. I am a button-pusher I had "gone on" at him to get a reaction and then I got one. He is moody and says I must take responsibility for his moods as I cause them with my lack of communication.

He continued this train and I refused to take responsibility or back down in any way, playing hard ball until he said i should stop wasting our lives and dump him, so I did.

Immediate capitulation, he takes full responsibility for everything he said and is very sorry.

Basically, everything gets so mixed up I want to get it straight in my head starting from the point, if someone walks off you holiday after that conversation, would you feel they had ended the relationship?

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 27/08/2014 08:57

Woul I feel like I had been dumped? Why have you not dumped him.

Oh and an pn/off 'relationship' such as you describe, is not a 'partner'.
Frankly, this situation is a ridiculous joke.

Sorry to be harsh, but you haven't recognised it yourself and I want you to be really clear about this!

Finola1step · 27/08/2014 08:58

He's playing one major head fuck game with you. No one can know the reason why so no need to over analyse it.

You have no real, solid commitments to tie you to this guy. Walk away. If you feel you need to give him an explanation, simply text or email that after the past few weeks you have had a rethink and want out of the relationship. He can collect his stuff on xx day on xx time. Bag up his stuff and leave it outside on xx day. Then go out for the day. If he has a key to yours, get the locks changed pronto. Tell him you do not want any further contact.

As many wise mumsnetters will say, he is showing you his true colours - listen to him. Get rid or you will be dancing to his merry tune for years to come.

There is a reason why you don't want him to move in. It's your gut instinct telling you it's not right. Listen to it.

Original poster

Cherub1066 · 27/08/2014 09:00

It's on off because of various lifestyle choices he wants which I can't accommodate but I thought I could a the start of the relationship.

OP posts:

QueenQueenie · 27/08/2014 09:01

Who cares about analysing the minutiae of who said what to whom first and why etc etc. He's messing with your head and sounds a complete arse. Who needs to be in a "relationship" with someone who behaves likes this?
Thank God you didn't agree to him moving in with you. What do you suppose your dcs will learn about relationships if you continue with this nonsense? You can do better. Disengage.

Original poster

Cherub1066 · 27/08/2014 09:04

Thanks guys, it's a definite cycle where his moods push me away and then he feels I'm distant, why am I no longer loved up? I've changed, he wants the fun-girl back. When his mood is over, all the nasty things he says are meant to be swept under the carpet. I'm told I'm holding a grudge and living in the past when I explain that I just can't let my guard down again.

OP posts:

Artistic · 27/08/2014 09:04

Why are you wasting your time on him? There are many good people in the world with whom you can have a fulfilling, satisfying & mature 'partnership'. He needs to be dumped ASAP whether or not you think you've already broken up.

QueenQueenie · 27/08/2014 09:05

I can only imagine what sort of lifestyle choices he might have in mind...

Have you had difficult / abusive relationships in the past op? I'm asking because I'm wondering whether your boundaries about what is appropriate / acceptable are a bit skew wiff? Not sure why you feel you have to put up with this man's nonsense..

Original poster

Cherub1066 · 27/08/2014 09:05

I'm finding it really hard to disengage.

OP posts:

QueenQueenie · 27/08/2014 09:07

Why? Tell us about what feels hard about disengaging. Is the on / off rollercoaster nature of this exciting or is it that he has messed around until you don't know which way is up? Or something else entirely?

Badvoc123 · 27/08/2014 09:08

Lifestyle choices?
Doing that ever the hell he wants when he wants, you mean?...

Squidstirfry · 27/08/2014 09:15

He must be very handsome... Or WTF,
Your poor DC! You are wasting a lot of energy on this twat.

YvyB · 27/08/2014 09:15

For what it's worth, I now have a very useful rule of thumb: if I wouldn't be proud of my ds if he turned out like whoever it is I was seeing, I would walk away. Took me 40 yrs to have this lightbulb moment, mind! If you have a dd, you could apply it too - if you wouldn't be pleased for her to be with someone like that, you shouldn't be with them either.

I've found this a very useful way to get to the real crux of the matter as it's so easy to become distracted by individual scenarios. Hope it helps you too.

FolkGirl · 27/08/2014 09:15

Are you finding it difficult to disengage because he won't 'let' you?

Is this part of the leaving the past in the past?

PecanNut · 27/08/2014 09:15

He sounds awful. Why are with this guy? Is there anything good about him?

Personally I wouldn't want to be in that kind of relationship.

Original poster

Cherub1066 · 27/08/2014 09:20

He always makes me feel like his intentions are good and he's put all the effort into the ldr, which he has. He wants marriage, commitment, something to hold onto after 2 years of me stringing him along. He wanted a child. I have recently said definitely no, due to my age, financial situation, ages of my children.

I told him this so he could make a decision. We broke up for months and then got back together with him saying he totally accepted the situation. But then he makes remarks about it, like I've forced him to give up the rights to a family and then won't even text goodnight. Or I "tricked" him into the relationship at the start when he told me he wanted a child and I thought we could if things worked out and discussed the possibility with him.

I have said in no uncertain terms that if he feels resentment towards me about not having a child then it's never going to be healthy for anyone involved. He would say this is me "controlling" his thoughts. Not appreciating what he has given up for me. That I feel "entitled" etc

He feels I freeze him out and it frustrates him and it leads to resentment. In fact I "create a world of resentment"

OP posts:

EarthWindFire · 27/08/2014 09:21

Have you cheated on him or is that an assumption that he has made?

I would take it that your relationship is over.

I can only imagine what sort of lifestyle choices he might have in mind...

The OP hasn't said what it is.. It could be anything. There is no point I assuming the worse

Original poster

Cherub1066 · 27/08/2014 09:21

Great lightbulb moment YvyB, thanks for sharing

OP posts:

EarthWindFire · 27/08/2014 09:23

If he wants children and you don't then really are polls apart. It isn't really a compromise thing. It is black and white.

It boils down to you wanting different things from life.

Original poster

Cherub1066 · 27/08/2014 09:37

I cheated on him many years ago. Met someone else who seemed, in every way, perfect. I felt a strong bond with my "moody" partner, as I do now but I used this new relationship with a guy who pursued me etc, to jump ship. I went on to have a family with this man who turned out to be a very dangerous white collar narc and have taken years of court orders to get rid. This guy was loaded, which was incidental actually, he seemed very, very kind for a long time.

The cheating I don't defend. I would never ever do this again and have learned many life lessons. I took a year of being "punished" for this. I have since defended my right to a fresh start. To not have my nose rubbed in it constantly. I no longer feel I "deserve" to be hauled over the coals and called nasty names every few weeks.

I've been told I deserved all the abuse from the ex as I chose it. I wanted the rich lifestyle. I brought it on my family and that I am a button pusher.

It seems to me that since I put my foot down and said using the ex was not acceptable, he has moved onto using me saying no to a baby as a new stick. I feel if we lived together, which would involve him leaving a new job, relocating, and pretty much having to make a financial commitment to the household, he would find more.

I guess the other side of it must be, I am a bad person, I brought this all on myself. He is a fantastic guy for wanting to be with me and love me in spite of what a fuck up I have most definitely been.

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 27/08/2014 09:38

He sounds rather manipulative and emotionally immature.

If you give him the facts about how you feel, and he then makes a decision based on those facts, he can't then hold it against you. It doesn't make sense.

Original poster

Cherub1066 · 27/08/2014 09:39

Earth wind I agree. So we split, but he came back saying he wanted us to have a child, not just a child so if I won't have one he'll never have one. In that way I am "taking away his choice" and it's my way or the highway apparently

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 27/08/2014 09:41

Ok xpost.

You shouldn't have cheated. You did.
He shouldn't have taken you back. He did.

And now you're both (all) paying the price.

FolkGirl · 27/08/2014 09:43

He sounds as though he's still very hurt by what you did, and I'm not surprised. I would be too. But he shouldn't be punishing you like this. He needs to get past it or dump you once and for all.

But you can walk away too. Still don't understand why you haven't...

kaykayblue · 27/08/2014 09:45

Anyone that says that YOU have to take responsibility for them being a moody fucktard, because you CAUSE their moods....

should be ejected immediately from your life with some sort of cannon.

He is trying to blame you for his own behaviour, which is childish at best and abusive at worst.

I would recommend telling him:

"You are a vindictive, spiteful piece of shit, and I don't want your hideous moods or vile accusations colouring my life any more. I'm not responsible for you being a bastard - that's ALL down to you. Unlike you, I don't threaten break up in order to try and bring you to heel. I am breaking up with you because you are a horrible person and I've had enough. I will give your things to X person to hand over to you. I'm changing my phone number and II don't want to hear from you".

Original poster

Cherub1066 · 27/08/2014 09:46

I suppose because like you say, of course I shouldn't have cheated. I am responsible for this. Not him. And I feel like I need to make it right because he has stood by me.

OP posts:

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