Reality check

[Cherub1066]

I'm in a somewhat on off relationship where partner wants more commitment and to move in with me. This hasn't happened as we have had several nasty break ups . He often seems to hate me and goes into a cycle of nastiness which he justifies as he has something from my past which he has used again and again.

Most recently we were on holiday together and had a row. The upshot was he told me there was no point being with me, I was a liar and a cheat and would never change, I had conned him into a relationship by telling him what he wanted to hear, I didn't want the things he wanted and If I got into another relationship I should inform the person that I had no time for them as a single mum. He then left, just walked off the holiday.

I texted and called saying this is silly and offered to pick him up at the station. He replied I was an entitled asshole and he didn't want to hear from me.

What I want to check is that, in the above circumstances, would you feel that you had been dumped? Because a few days later he started communicating normally and complaining I hadn't been in touch as I was "punishing" him and I was pathetic. He went on to tell me I was entitled etc and by taking offence at being told so, I am not "allowing" him an opinion.

I feel like he split up with me (again) and now is playing the injured party. He also totally justified everything he said. I am a button-pusher I had "gone on" at him to get a reaction and then I got one. He is moody and says I must take responsibility for his moods as I cause them with my lack of communication.

He continued this train and I refused to take responsibility or back down in any way, playing hard ball until he said i should stop wasting our lives and dump him, so I did.

Immediate capitulation, he takes full responsibility for everything he said and is very sorry.

Basically, everything gets so mixed up I want to get it straight in my head starting from the point, if someone walks off you holiday after that conversation, would you feel they had ended the relationship?

[Cabrinha]

You should print out your OP and take it to a counsellor.
Seriously. This is totally fucked up.
I mean that kindly.
You've dumped him, please let this be the time he stays dumped.
You don't need to have a talk.
Good relationships are not on/off or so drama laden. All you need to say is "we are not making each other happy, there is no point in going over it". Once. Then you can say once " I've said all I have to say, please don't contact me again". Ignore anything further. And if he persists, one last " I have asked you not to contact me again - once more and I will speak to the police ". And do it.

[Cherub1066]

I'm not picking up as I just don't feel like getting into it all tonight. I have just texted to say more or less what Cabrinha suggested so thanks for that

[tipsytrifle]

Wow, I'm proud of you for ending it. It's imperative now that you have nothing more to do with him. He will probably harass you for a bit but you know, harassment is a crime these days and you should go to the police as soon as he gets shitty.

At the time of your last posts it was way too late to be on the phone in any case, you have kids and don't need to be talking to anyone so late at night, certainly not your abuser!

Good going, Cherub!

[arsenaltilidie]

It would be interesting to read his side of the story.
It doesn't sound like you love or respect him either.
Why are you even with him?
He sounds very very hurt and I suspect a lot of posters would behave in the same way.
Eg. A man cheats, has children with OW, comes back saying we can have children, then changes his mind. Most would leave but some would stay with the hope he will change.

The advice I would give if you were the man is just let her go.
Stop stringing him alobg, even if he comes begging; for his own sake let him go.
If he's a decent man he won't be single for ever.

[eddielizzard]

well done. stay strong because being in a relationship with someone who treats you so badly is absolutely no good for you.

[Cherub1066]

Well arsen, he chose to come back into a relationship. I didn't hide the children under the bed. When I was with him the first time round he was very troubled and apparently blaming me. I had trouble leaving him because of his issues and I am not proud I cheated on him. This is almost a decade


later and I haven't strung him along.

Based on age I have had to tell him I wouldn't be ready to have children for a longer time than we have, due to the volatile nature of the relationship.

It hasn't been a case where it's all a bed of roses and I'm stringing him along. I really don't think that.

[Cherub1066]

But I agree I want him to be happy and really wish I hadn't caused him anymore negativity because he's gap had enough in his life. I just don't want him to feel bitter and angry and I do agree the original mess is my fault.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Wow - what a turn around.
Stay strong OP.
You know you deserve better as do your DC.

[Meerka]

errrr you didn't cause him any more negativity.

He did.

No it's not your fault for heaven's sake. You were hungry, wanted food and wanted to stay in the queue. That's just ... normal. It's not a fault in any way.

If you want to stay with him despite what happened, say so. But don't hide behind 'it was my fault really' to make yourself feel backhandedly better. Because it wasn't, it was his.

[Cherub1066]

Well it's like arsen said, from his perspective I'm stringing him along and that's why he gets angry but I still agree it's in everyone's best interests to stay apart

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

He will only use a talk to engage in more head fuckery. Don't do it, it's over now so move on. You sound like you've been involved in a couple of crap relationships that have left your self esteem on the floor. Put it all behind you now and put you and your kids first from now on.

[Meerka]

ahme coughs im very sorry cherub i managed to confuse two posts together. my bad

[Cherub1066]

I thought you were talking metaphorically and I was missing the point Meerka

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi Cherub

You keep mentioning this stringing along issue, but it's him that keeps pulling you back in, you've been honest with him for some reason he keeps allowing himself to be strung along.

He's had ample time to go and find someone else to have kids with but he hasn't so why not? Is it perhaps because he has so much fun punishing you, let's face it no one else would out up with his shit, maybe deep down he knows this. He is a very damaged man he needs to go and get some help but he never will, you will never make him happy lovely, his kind of happy is damaging you he is feeding off of your stress and worry.

[AbbieHoffmansAfro]

Why did he come back to you? Why has he stayed?

Because he's got something on you. The cheating. A stick to beat you with forevermore. He'd rather have the chance to punish you than go off and try to build a relationship with someone else.

Nothing is a licence to abuse, not even cheating. Glad you've ended it, don't weaken, don't talk to him, don't feel too guilty.

[AnyFucker]

he's keeps coming back just to stick the boot in a bit more to make himself feel like Mr Big Knob. You are not "stringing him along". he has free will, and he is using it to keep poking and abbing at you

cut him loose

[AnyFucker]

*jabbing

[Foolishlady]

In fairness he could keep coming back because he loves her and because he is a damaged person can't see how unhealthy a situation this is - Jesus this is really one of those threads were the woman has behaved appallingly yet it is the man who is the abuser. I think you are really doing the right thing by breaking up because he doesn't seem to have the cop on to realise that he just can't handle the situation - and as you have said there are children involved. I'm not sure if I could be a big enough person to take on the children of the person my oh cheated on me with- most people couldn't. This guy's mistake is that he has tried, for whatever reason. I think it's possible that deep down he does hate you, as well as love you - definitely doesn't sound the most secure of individuals! But nobody has behaved well here.

[ouryve]

The reality is that you don't have to put up with that crap. So what if you have less than a perfect past. A loving partner wouldn't constantly use it to keep you in your place.

Just get rid.

[AnyFucker]

he "loves her" ?

no, he doesn't, he hates her. You don't treat you "love" like this

currently, OP is a conveniently safe emotional punching bag

[AnyFucker]

people you love

[Cherub1066]

I don't deny he has tried. Our relationship years ago was dating btw. He ended it with me then wanted me back when I was with someone else. I went from one to the other then made a break and tried to make a go off it.

I think we have both tried. I took a year of being told I had deserved the abuse and in fact probably caused it.

We moved on from that dialogue and then started going round in a different circle.

[Cherub1066]

Go of*

[QueenQueenie]

The more you tell us about him the shittier and more fucked up he sounds. You let him tell you for a year or more that you DESERVED to be abused by your previous partner?? That you MADE him abuse you??
You really don't have to put up with this crap you know. The fact that you have and do suggests to me that you need some help if you are to have a good chance of forming healthier relationships in the future and passing on to your children the right messages about relationships. This stuff is important you know if they are to end up with decent partners of their own...
Please stop joining in with his drama. Please get some counselling / help.

[Cherub1066]

I do know and I don't think I want another relationship to be honest. Thanks for reading it all and your comments