Reality check

[Cherub1066]

I'm in a somewhat on off relationship where partner wants more commitment and to move in with me. This hasn't happened as we have had several nasty break ups . He often seems to hate me and goes into a cycle of nastiness which he justifies as he has something from my past which he has used again and again.

Most recently we were on holiday together and had a row. The upshot was he told me there was no point being with me, I was a liar and a cheat and would never change, I had conned him into a relationship by telling him what he wanted to hear, I didn't want the things he wanted and If I got into another relationship I should inform the person that I had no time for them as a single mum. He then left, just walked off the holiday.

I texted and called saying this is silly and offered to pick him up at the station. He replied I was an entitled asshole and he didn't want to hear from me.

What I want to check is that, in the above circumstances, would you feel that you had been dumped? Because a few days later he started communicating normally and complaining I hadn't been in touch as I was "punishing" him and I was pathetic. He went on to tell me I was entitled etc and by taking offence at being told so, I am not "allowing" him an opinion.

I feel like he split up with me (again) and now is playing the injured party. He also totally justified everything he said. I am a button-pusher I had "gone on" at him to get a reaction and then I got one. He is moody and says I must take responsibility for his moods as I cause them with my lack of communication.

He continued this train and I refused to take responsibility or back down in any way, playing hard ball until he said i should stop wasting our lives and dump him, so I did.

Immediate capitulation, he takes full responsibility for everything he said and is very sorry.

Basically, everything gets so mixed up I want to get it straight in my head starting from the point, if someone walks off you holiday after that conversation, would you feel they had ended the relationship?

[FolkGirl]

But he hasn't stood by you if he behaves like this.

Put it like this. I wouldn't stand by someone who cheated on me under any circumstances. And I didn't. Partly because I deserve better and partly because I suspect I'd behave as your 'boyfriend'is doing. And that's wrong.

[Castlemilk]

Oh FGS, get rid!!!

He hasn't 'stood by you', he's given you a dog's life, by the sound of it.

Yes you did very wrong to cheat.

This relationship is poisoned completely, if you can call it a relationship at all.

Those two sentences may or may not be connected. I'd say not, from his appalling behaviour - he seems a thoroughly cuntish chappie. But let's be generous, and say that he may well be a good old egg who has been utterly destroyed by your behaviour. Let's Just Say.

The result is the same. This is a nasty, ugly, thoroughly poisoned situation which is dragging down everyone within it - including your children, I'm sure.

So just GET OUT. You aren't happy. He clearly isn't happy. There is NO POINT, unless you relish the idea of a miserable life!

Work on that disengaging.

[Cherub1066]

I have to go now but I will be back later and will appreciate your thoughts and/or judgements. Thank you

[EarthWindFire]

It does sounds like he is still hurting from the cheating.

It isn't something that is easily resolved and the hurt doesn't have a time limit.

Ultimately it doesn't seem as if you are comparable and you both need to walk away.

[springlamb]

Actually no, I don't think you should feel responsible for what happened in what must seem like another life, and No, I don't think you should be worrying about putting it right with him.
It sounds like a very destructive relationship where baggage from years past will never be put aside and to continue puts your dc onto the roller coaster as well.
Call it quits,

[whattodoforthebest2]

Life's too short to be dealing with all this shitty behaviour - your DC are witnessing it and they see you putting up with being treated terribly. For yourself and your DC, it's time to move on. Leave him to fester and raise the bar on your next relationship.

[Meerka]

you may have cheated but my god, you apologised sincerely, you learned, you've given him time. You can't undo the cheating, you've taken responsibility for it and regretted it but all you can do now is live with it and not do it again, sometimes we just can't make things up.

But I'm not at all convinced this is about that.

^ We broke up for months and then got back together with him saying he totally accepted the situation. But then he makes remarks about it, like I've forced him to give up the rights to a family and then won't even text goodnight. Or I "tricked" him into the relationship at the start when he told me he wanted a child and I thought we could if things worked out and discussed the possibility with him.

I have said in no uncertain terms that if he feels resentment towards me about not having a child then it's never going to be healthy for anyone involved. He would say this is me "controlling" his thoughts. Not appreciating what he has given up for me. That I feel "entitled" etc&

This isnt about anything other than punishment, punishment, punishment of you. And then he wonders why you're not as much fun as you were.

To put it at its bluntest, do you enjoy being on the receiving end of this? If not, get rid. It'll only get worse.

[Greenrememberedhills]

Listen Cherub- you are finding it hard to disengage because of the drama in the relationship. This often happens in poor quality relationships like this. You sort of get addicted to it. It messes with your head.

Please get rid. Think about that lightbulb moment scenario. Because if you stay with him your children may well turn our like him or looking for someone like him, because through seeing you together it will have normalised it for them.

Please get rid. Do you all a favour.

[Meerka]

A decent man, if he had "totally" accepted the situation wouldnt keep making remarks about it and start accusing you of tricking him.

You know, I rather think he hates you at some level.

[FolkGirl]

I agree. He hates you on some level and is punishing you for what you have done.

He can't see that he punishing himself too.

He's doing what a lot of women do, which is wanting you to be something you're not, and he is punishing you for that.

End it.

[AnyFucker]

You need to stop subjecting your kids to the shitty high drama of this fucked up situation

Do it for them if you can't do it for yourself

This all sounds toxic and damaging for everybody involved

Get rid of him, for good this time

And then I suggest you have a good long break from men, get some counselling to find out why you keep stepping back on that roller coaster, and give your kids some proper stability

[tipsytrifle]

Cherub - your situation is appalling. You crash-landed badly between two abusive psychos. I don't care what labels can be found for them, nothing legitimises:

he has something from my past which he has used again and again

as the basis for a relationship. You're being owned by the ghost of ex and this current unspeakably vile entity.

Please please consider going it alone. You are not safe where you are.

[YvyB]

You're getting distracted by stuff, Cherub! Seriously, use the rule of thumb!
if you're proud to be with him and would be proud to have a son like him then there's your answer: make him a commitment and discuss the concept of dc because a decent man deserves the opportunity.
OR... if you would be disappointed to have a son or son-in-law who behaves like him, end it.

I'm not sensing much pride or respect for him here. The past simply isn't the issue now, it's just a distraction that pulls various strings between the two of you. It really, honestly does boil down to whether or not you admire and respect him and would want any son of yours to be like him as an adult. The fact that you dont want to commit (for very good reasons, I imagine - and yes, gut instinct alone is enough of a reason) says to me that it's time for you to make the choice for yourself and walk away.

[tallwivglasses]

Good god, I'm exhausted reading this. Life's too short. Get rid of the moany bastard.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Please do the Freedom Progamme.
You can do it on-line.
This might open your eyes to what you are putting yourself and your children through!
It sounds exhausting and life is waaaay to short for this shite.
Get rid.
Get to know yourself again away from abusive horrible men.
Concentrate on you and your DC.
Stop pandering to a 'man'!!!

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi op

I'm surprised you have got time for a family life with your kids with all this game playing and head fuckery.

You have swapped one abusive arsehole for another, except this one believe it or not is slightly more subtler. He is punishing you I doubt very much he loves you, I doubt he even consciously likes women at all. He as mummy issues he is a huge entitled walking Oedipus complex.

Seriously your going to need counselling after all this head fuckery, and life's hard enough without some idiot like him giving you so much grief, he will never forgive you for supposedly throwing him aside, it's a shame the father of your kids wasn't a decent bloke, because it would have meant you had dodged this bullet, sadly that didn't happen and your right back in his path.

Please save yourself months of therapy and get rid of him and cut all contact, he is toxic and ruining your life and in the end will impact on your kids. Should you ever let him in they are his next target, because they are a product of another man, and you have denied him his progeny ( in his mind)

It's time to pull up your big girl pants and get serious about sorting this crap put, it unhealthy and ridiculous, call him a cab and tell him to get to fuck.

[thestamp]

Oh my god. there is no point. please just get rid. you don't owe him an explanation, if you find yourself explaining why it is ok for you to dump him, just stop talking, tell him to go, call the police if you have to, and then get yourself into a therapist's chair ASAP.

[tipsytrifle]

Not to mention your post which says :

It's on off because of various lifestyle choices he wants which I can't accommodate but I thought I could at the start of the relationship.

I hope you can see what others here are seeing and responding to.

You really really need to think about the lifestyle choice you are making if you stay with this abusive nutter. My intuitive opinion, of course. I fear for you, actually.

[Cherub1066]

Hi, thanks all. I have been unable to comment as I had a dormant account and both were locked until I had one deleted. I'm surprised he sounds so bad given the "mitigating" circumstances. Saying that I am aware it's not ok to have a relationship where such circumstances are factored.

I read another thread earlier about someone with a sick child and a sulky man. I couldn't log in to comment on that thread but wanted to say that was the exact scenario that lead to the holiday row. A sick child, a day of inactivity and a bored moody man who was in such a sulk that he refused to ask me how the child was although he insists he asked her himself.

It was a full day mood and I called him on it and it escalated into a row. It still angers me to think he walked off when she was ill, I had 3 others to care for and he didn't even ask how she was until 2 days later. He says he didn't ask sooner as he "was still raging."

[AnyFucker]

You are intent on going forward with this man ?

[Cherub1066]

No I have said by text it's over and agreed to talk later tonight but not looking forward to it.

[TrueToMyWord]

Why aren't you protecting your DC from this situation?

[pasanda]

Good, but by God please stick with it. Don't' let 'the talk' sway how you are feeling now.

What a complete wanker he is. He is bringing nothing good to your life at all. Abusive arse.

[Cherub1066]

Boundaries, comfort zones, learned behaviour, guilt, being an enabler? Combination of above?

[Cherub1066]

I don't want to have the talk to be honest, feel I should