Baby of 3 months and husband wants to leave as I'm not the same person

[Busypeony]

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet so forgive me if acronyms not right.
I have been married for just over a year and have a DS of 3 months. My DH started a new job when our son was 1 month old and was working away a lot. This caused a lot if strain especially as DS had silent reflux and u wasn't getting any sleep. I also have a DD from previous relationship and DH had always taken her on as his own. He has been more and more detached from me and after me screaming to know what was going on (is he having an affair etc) he announced we were broken, couldn't be fixed and he was leaving. I've begged him to stay and go for counselling. Lots of my friends have told me he's emotionally abused me but I love him and want to make it work. I don't know what to do now it's all such a shock. I can't make him love me but how do I protect my children especially DD who worships him and do I have to let my baby go and stay with him? Feeling very alone and scared. Any help much appreciated

Hi bumble

I got a but more sleep but was all nightmares again. :-(.

Anyway re the silent reflux ingot there when DS was about 9 /10 weeks. He got the right medicine and then the screaming stopped. Ive read before about tongue tie bring misdiagnosed. I hope it gets easier for you now.

Thanks for your message re stbxh . You're right, he's no good being like that. He can dress it up any way he likes but he's selfish. If our lively family can't make him happy nothing will. When he came home and I don't get up off the sofa because I was in a bad mood he should have come over and hugged me and seem if I was ok, he shouldn't have sulked for 3 days. It was just too stressful for him being away so much with a newborn.

He will probably want DS when he is walking, talking and toilet trained as that when he fell in love with me and my DD. Maybe he'll get on well with DS but he's always going to think- my dad left me at 3 months!

What's his relationship like with his father?

I mean stbexh and his father

A bit of a mess. His parents argued a lot and they divorced when he was in his 20s. He blames his dad for their divorce but knowing both if them I can see the faults on both sides. He went four years without contact with him in his 20s except to turn up to his grandfather's funeral in his motorbike to annoy his dad. He had counselling about their relationship. I only met his father 3 years into our relationship. He lives abroad now. We went to see him and they got on well but they have quite basic phone conversations each week, no feelings are shared. His dad has called me lots since this happened checking I'm ok. His other son has cut him off in the last few years and wants nothing to do with him - his dad can be an idiot and knowing his brother and dad I can see why they don't get on. However the ability to cut someone out of their lives comes from their mum who's really good at that. Stbxh has been keen to prove his success to his dad and still harbours on about things his dad did when they were young which anyone else would have got over. His mother won't have anything to do with his dad and I believe says really inappropriate things about him to her sons. They shouldn't have to feel like they can't mention him in front of her. His dad told me he was prepared to lose him over what he's done as he's so ashamed and said he doesn't want to lose contact with the grandchildren.

The bloody awful agony. Keep thinking of when we went away on our wedding anniversary and had such a fun time. It was only weeks ago. How could he treat me like this? My poor kids. Can't stand these emotions

Hi are there any MN out there who can help me right now. Just had by normal nightmare that my DH is leaving me and then wake up and realise he has gone and u am left with his baby and my DD and he hates me. I've done nothing to him other than be hormonal after having a baby.

Spoke to a good friend last night whose ex h treated her in the same way but her children were older. They had exactly the same behavioural patterns - didn't really make me feel much better as her ex is crap and doesn't help her out.

It's DDs birthday today. He is ringing to speak to her and i know that he will ask her about DS rather than ask me. He is just burying his head in the sand that he has a son and a family and I can't believe how badly he's shat on me. Why me? Why twice? He's made me feel so rubbish about myself and yet I still love the old him who I married only last year. He's rewriting history to justify leaving saying he was never happy and that really hurts me.

Does he have any grounds to divorce me? Can unreasonable behaviour really be being hormonal after having a baby?

Also can he start going to court to try and get me to sell the house if he doesn't have grounds for divorce . I know the whole process could take a year before a judge seems I have to sell but if I don't have a court order in place about spousal maintenance I wknt be able to get another house. I know all he wants is his money out so can a judge say I have to rent as that'd be more expensive than buying.

As my mum said either he's ill or he's the worst person in the world because of the way he's treated me and the children

I'm just checking in tonight, and I see you've posted recently.... Hi! Isn't it just sh#* that we get such bad thoughts just when we're most tired and weak? You really do need your sleep to get your strength back up for the next day... Have you ever figured out a bedtime routine that helps you sleep?

Also, for me, and I think lots of other posters on MN, getting solid information about what can happen in divorce is really helpful. Have you been to a solicitor's yet? Try for the free half-hour and see who you'd like to work with, but try also to get some of your questions answered in the free time.... your question about selling the house is one that should be answered from a professional viewpoint. Knowledge can be powerful, and could set your mind at ease.

I'm loving your Mum!! "either he's ill or he's the worst person in the world because of the way he's treated me and the children" Yes, Yes to what she said here. No decent man leaves his wife with such a young child to care for... No decent human being does that.

Thanks whitsernam. I'm ok at going to bed but the nightmares get me each night.

I am still trying to process what he's done. I believed since he started this that it was my fault and now I realise he's just a massive ahole!

I get it. It's just so hard to believe that anyone could look at a new mother and her baby, and not want to be helpful!! That one will take time to process.... and it's like you're living in a nightmare, so you really don't need them happening at night. Is there a chance your GP could offer something that would help you to sleep better?

You actually sound pretty strong and capable to me. Would it work to tell yourself that you will manage with whatever the outcome is with the house? You don't need much while children are small; not as much as when they're older anyway. And maybe your family will be helpful. But you will make it; others do. I used to sometimes have to tell myself that literally millions of others manage to get through this... whatever the thing was I had trouble with. And if they can do it, then I can too. We're all stronger than we think we are. we don't want to be in some situations, but we can cope when we have to. Plus, there is a lot of help out there for single mums.....you're definitely not alone.

Re the solicitor I did go for nearly 2 hours (the guy only charged me for an hour as I think he felt sorry for me!). He said if Stbxh takes me to court to sell that's not good as the costs will come out of the equity. What in worried about is if I sell before the divorce is granted then I won't be able to get a mortgage as I need a court order to do so. I've only got stat mat leave money as income so need his assistance.

I can't wait for Stbxh to go to a solicitor and tell his side of things. However he has built up in his head a picture where he offered to stay and help (after my mum screeched at him about how was I meant to cope). How was that possibly viable given the way he was treating me. It was mental torture and would have made me ill. Also his complete lack of interest in his son is amazing - 2 texts in 10 days! He has been more interested in DD and has at least spoken to her. I haven't even had a phone call.

When I stand back from the situation it just glares (to me) 'I ran away because I couldn't cope with the impact of a baby'. He was so happy/ ecstatic in fact when he was born and then when reality kicked in it all changed. He's an intelligent man and he wouldn't have married me last year to ditch me this year without good reason and I've fine nothing other then be bloody hormonal (yes I've been a nightmare).

How will his son ever get his head round this?

I've been a single mum before but DD was. 20 months then so was easier and it made childcare easier as didn't have school holidays to worry about. When it comes to the house the only reason I don't want to rush things is because I don't know what I want next yet. I've got enough going on with a baby...

I'm really glad you saw a solicitor already. (we must have both been typing at the same time...) and your comment about him that "I ran away because I couldn't cope with the impact of a baby" is spot on. Keep telling yourself that!!

How will your son get his head round this? Thankfully, you don't have to answer that one right now.... you don't need more worries, so please try to put that one aside for now. You can think about that when you're walking him home from school some day. There will be an answer you can give your son that won't be destructive - maybe not totally true, with all the details, but something on his level that he accepts.

Now how are you going to get back to sleep? It's about time for me to get some sleep myself, and I'm 6 hours behind you!!!

You DO have enough going on with such a young baby! I can easily see the house move taking a good bit of time, but I am not in the UK so don't really know...... sorry.

Hello, love - I am an abandoned spouse (4 months ago and counting) in the middle of a very acrimonious divorce so probably can give you some insight into a few things.

Firstly, I am not the parent of a newborn baby, sleep deprived and exhausted. Otherwise, the thing we have in common is the men we choose to love are twats.

However, the first few weeks after being abandoned are 'manic and panic'. You're heartbroken, devastated, bewildered, in shock and shit scared of the future.

The first few months after giving birth: you're exhausted, stressed and under great pressure.

So you with the double whammy: stop giving yourself a hard time!

The dreams, when you do sleep, are horrendous. It's not easy to sleep when you have a new baby. It's not easy to sleep when you are having a really traumatic time. You're not going mad - you're suffering. Forgive yourself a little! Sleep is no respite right now but do sleep and eat when you can.

it's scary how Stbxh could spank the equity on our house on legal fees to spite me and then I'm left with nothing

No, he can't. I don't know why your solicitor told you this. In divorce, each spouse bears their own costs except in very unusual circumstances. He is unusual but not worthy of getting special privileges. The costs of solicitors is horrific, and has to be paid for. Only use them if you know that what you stand to gain is more than the cost of legal advice. A solicitor led divorce, costs between 5 - 10K each. So you need to gain between 6 - 11K, I'm afraid to justify having one. So, he may end up squandering HIS share of the equity from the house on expensive lawyers. It's still HIS share - not your share.

You do, however, want to avoid using solicitor-led divorces if money is tight but that means getting your head around as best you can how divorce works. I recommend Gordon & Slater: Family Law Made Simple to explain the different options.

Does he have any grounds to divorce me? Can unreasonable behaviour really be being hormonal after having a baby?

Yes he does. As soon as one person wants out of the marriage, the marriage is over. It's harsh but true. In the absence of adultery, Unreasonable Behaviour is the quickest route to divorce. Don't even bother contesting - it'll cost you £££ and get you nowhere (For the record I am being divorce for The Petitioner bought a sex pills...which did not please the petitioner. My STBXH is the petitioner!!! So don't worry, it's a means to an end.

Divorce is about agreeing the arrangements for the children and agreeing how to divide the family assets and when. Divorce is not about who did what to whom and why. UB Divorce requires you to accept your husband found you intolerable. So what? Glad I made the fucker miserable, with hindsight.

At Month 4, I want to be divorced too. I certainly didn't in the early days. I'm sad my marriage failed, it was a lovely relationship for many years, but I do not want to be married to this pig of a man that I am currently married to. There is nothing attractive about him.

So don't worry, you'll feel differently soon enough!

Also can he start going to court to try and get me to sell the house if he doesn't have grounds for divorce

Nope. First he must start the divorce process. He can't force you to sell the house at this stage. Arrangements for the children come first, second and third in divorce. His wants come a long way down the list of priorities. You may end up selling the house as part of the Financial Order, you may end up with a 'Mesher Order' e.g. you stay in the house til the youngest leaves home. There are a ton of considerations and possible solutions here so get legal advice on that.

It costs a fortune to go to court to force anything. If he can afford expensive legal advice, it is going to look very odd that he can't afford to pay for your children/the mortgage in the interim. Very questionable indeed.

If I don't have a court order in place about spousal maintenance

Spousal Maintenance is different from Child maintenance. The latter he is forced to pay (CSA or whatever it is called these days). SM is more about affordability: can he afford to pay you it, after his immediate needs are met? This comes down to his income, if it's an average-ish income, it's very limited. A good solicitor will look at your numbers and let you know whether it's worth pursuing - but this is why we have a benefit system, people left high and dry by shit husbands/partners require and deserve support. Go to the CAB to check you're getting everything you're entitled to. Taking him to court for SM can be a waste of time - if the court orders you to pay x hundred per month, but it's cost you 3K to get him there (It did me) then you've effectively lost money. I fortunately, got costs awarded - but that was because I really am married to a twat, who behaved as a twat, and judged as a twat in extremis and willingly was in contempt of the law! Rarely does that happen.

I know all he wants is his money.

His wants are exactly that - something to whistle for. A judge will not 'say' anything unless you go all the way through to a Final Hearing (which you are a long way from at the moment). You and he, via your solicitors if you can afford them, will negotiate the arrangements for the children, where they live, with whom, what he can afford to pay you, etc, etc. The onus is on the two of you to find agreement.

But first he needs to file for divorce. The good thing about being the respondent, is he has to pay the court fees (not your legal fees). Your divorce will not be made absolute until the arrangements for the children are agreed.

I know this is scary times, and it's going to take some time to resolve (that's divorce for you) but use the CAB to claim as many benefits as you are entitled to, try not to panic about him. And DO NOT get involved with your STBXH. Divorce is a nasty horrible time, it brings out the worst in people. Ignore him and anything he does to provoke you. Focus on you and the children, and the sooner you can do that the sooner your heart will heal.

It's truly dreadful what you're going through - but stop making it about him, and make it about YOU and the KIDS. You're the only people worth it - he can just fuck off.

Thank you wellwhoknew that's all really helpful stuff. Especially the last line 'he can just fuck off'! He is going to have to pay me SM as he earns well (but no longer wants to support his family!). I also want to work though for my own sanity so have to decide if I want to be dependent on him. I'd never be surprised if he jacked his job in though to spite me as he's behaving so unusually. Re paying the fees that's good news- he can do it and file for divorce and at least I can hold my head up to my DS that I tried.

He is a wanker at the moment but I do need to communicate with him for the sake of DS so I am going to insist he comes to mediation/ counselling with me. He hates me and won't talk to me but we can't be good parents like that and he knows it. At the end of the day I'm scared of him and worry about what he'll do next after pushing me etc so he needs to address that. He's so unstable and he has to sort himself out. Not sure what he'll say to that...

You don't need to communicate with him for the sake of DS! Your DS is a babe in arms at the minute and has no awareness of the presence or the absence of his father. Any contact right now would be solely for the benefit of STBX rather than your son. I would say that regular contact is a long way down the road yet. A wanker such as you have described wouldn't have the first inkling of how to look after a tiny baby properly and very likely has no interest either.

Rather than contact with children your more immediate concerns I reckon are financial. Perhaps instead of getting ahead of yourself fretting about ownership of the house in the long-term you have a think about extracting a minimum of 15% of his take-home pay for child-support

Thanks Bitter. The reason I want to go down the route of talking is because I am scared of him and I don't want to continue being like that and I think if he doesn't seek help now he will quite happily not talk to me for years- yes that might seem better in some ways but I know that it's better to have a good relationship like I do with father of DD. He definitely needs to address his anger issues with me.

He's agreed to the child maintenance payments, but he thinks he's getting the house sold asap and I won't be able to cope financially as can't work FT yet and I don't have a ft job to go to anyway. The bloke's an arse yet I still dream of him coming back to me and being how he was pre baby. I can't process it all at the moment

Feeling at the moment like Stbxh never loved me or else how he could do this? How could any man do this?! He emailed me yesterday about something he wanted from the house and was ridiculously formal to the point of being rude. He asked about DD but still not about DS. What the hell is wrong with him. 2 questions about his baby in 2 weeks- surely that's not normal.

Dreading seeing him at the weekend so have gone for neutral territory.

Am so scared of seeing him and so scared of what the future holds. I hate spending my nights alone. I can't imagine loving anyone else :-(.

what's happened tonight as it hurts so much.

Stbxh contacted me a couple of days ago very formally asking for his v5c for his car and for it to be sent to his mum's. Yet again he didn't ask how DS was. I replied today stating that I'd sent it and said that I'd meet him in town at Starbucks this Saturday do he could see DS. I did not feel comfortable having him at home but didn't write that. He replied saying he wanted to see DS at home. I sought legal advice and was told that if Stbxh was being advised he'd be being told to take whatever contact I offered given that he'd left. I was also told to call the police if he tried to get into the house.

I decided to call him as years with father of DD have taught me about emails being misconstrued. Well that was a mistake as Stbxh ended up telling me exactly what he thought! There was lots of detail but the long and the short of it was that he said in a very mocking tone 'I left YOU not DS, I don't love YOU'. He said that he hadn't been in contact to give me space and that I was looking for problems when I stated he hadn't asked how DS was (standard retort I'm used to from him). When I suggested mediation/counselling to improve communication between us due to his recent change of behaviour he was reluctant, and so I said and also because he had been aggressive to which I got the reply 'don't start that f*ing charade'. Sorry but it's not normal to thinking treating someone like that is ok. He then agreed to go to mediation. BUT he then said maybe I should think about MY behaviour over the last 18 months and apologise for that (i.e. miscarrying, being pregnant, having to sit at home with a blood clot, getting anxiety and depression, losing my uncle and having a baby). I asked him are you seriously saying you don't want to be with me because I've been like that because last week it was because you shouldn't have married me and I made you have DS to which he said 'you're right I never should have married you'. I pointed out that some of his behaviour hadn't been great to which he said that meant we weren't suited.

I offered to meet him at my mum's rather than Starbucks and he said 'I'm not sitting around drinking tea with YOU'. He then got nasty about my parents and I said how can you after they've done so much for you like doing your house up - both this one and the last. He replied like a child and said 'I didn't ask them to'.

So I have deduced that I am better off without a man who can't forgive me for being hormonal. However I don't think that's why he left. Yes me being a nightmare didn't help but I think when we went on holiday he felt trapped and hated not having as much money lately. He went on about money tonight saying about how he had paid the bills this month and I hadn't said thank you. I retorted with - well you haven't said thank you for looking after your son! Ultimately he's selfish and controlling. It doesn't mean that I haven't sobbed at his cruelty- how could any man leave his wife for going through a difficult time?

My parents keep telling me that I've been abused but all I feel is worthless.

Lovely, we all got left following difficult times: illness, financial worries, new responsibilities, not being able to keep them in their 'rightful' place on the pedestal.

Truth is most of us got left because they find something that wasn't what we were.

Cowards, no matter what you want to call them, are just that. Cowards.

He can want what he likes - until you go through the divorce procedure, his wants are just something to whistle for.

You offered Starbucks, he said 'no'. You got into a row.

Lesson to be learnt for next time - you offer Starbucks, he says 'no'. You accept 'no'. His loss.

You and your needs come first from now on. You've a very little baby to take care of: he wants to spend time with the baby, mum comes too. He left the marital home - so off he fucks.

Incidentally, I got the 'I need the V5 document story' as well. I ignored that email as that it didn't feature on my priority list of things to do this year. In fact, I'm not sure it even registered on my things to do in my lifetime.

My solicitor got a 2,000 word page essay on my 'difficultness'. She wrote back and said she didn't want to get involved in minor matters.

Quite a put-down that one.

When they fuck off, they fuck off. Their choice.

If he wants a relationship with the baby, then he needs to fight for it, and he needs to accept there is a mother as part of that story. The sooner that simple message gets through to him, the better.

I know it hurts, love, and I know it's scary times. Time to start controlling your own life don't you think?

And you're not worthless - you're dog-tired and utterly abused. Your children value you beyond words: shame he won't ever experience that.

He is a selfish man-child. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

But that doesn't sound too good down the pub does it? So instead of facing up to his own inadequacies he is turning all of his anger on to you.

But you don't have to accept it. He has left you. You don't need to listen to him. And you don't need to continue conversations when he is angry - you can simply put the phone down, you know? He is essentially a stranger to you now.

I think you should do a couple of things:

Go no contact for a while. I know you are desperate to facilitate relationships for the sake of the DCs, but esp for DS that isn't the priority. Do not engage. Don't call, text or email and don't respond to him.

Go shopping for a solicitor. I'm not sure the one you saw was particularly great.

Read the thread called 'dear stbxh' on here for tips on the above, also read anything wellwhoknew has ever written, and the book she recommends.

Get rl support from friends.

But the most important thing is to withdraw. Engaging with him is both fuelling his denial and feeding your anxiety. Pull back. Just think about you and the kids. If the thoughts come whirling, right them down in a notebook or here. But don't worry about solving them today.

Thank you some very useful advice. I can see that in a way calling him was my way of trying to diffuse him as I'm SO used to doing that. I am also mainly concerned about him fighting for overnight access to DS. He knows how much that would hurt me (from all the issues I had with DD) as does his mum so I've been trying to be reasonable about him seeing DS so that doesn't become an issue.

Lonny - you're right about writing things down on here. I think I'd have gone mad had I not done so. It's my lifeline. Re solicitors I've seen 2. One was much more of a people person and interested in my story and how to handle a man like him. The second was a more expensive firm who was very straight down the line 'divorce him' but didn't seem to take into account my needs financially as much and emotional ones (older guy could see him thinking how hard can it be). I will read the posts suggested re looking for someone else.

He has subsequently apologised for his behaviour on text 'Sorry for giving you such a hard time, I was just very sad and frustrated by your email. I know it must be incredibly hard for you and I'm sorry for that too. I do want to find a way for us to be able to communicate and interact civilly.' I'm sure this is for his benefit in the future. He's seen the issues re father of DD and knows how to play it. Also he has no fucking idea how hard it is for me!

Wellwhoknew- I'm considering filing for divorce just to give me control back. But I don't want him to be able to say to DS 'we'll it was your mother who divorced me' when he's older. His mother is manipulative like that and I'm sure he'd be the same especially given he's living with her.

My parents have suggested moving in with them to give me some emotional support when the moving process is going through. They have been brilliant and live nearby. Stbxh couldn't get enough of their help when it suited him and now hates them for challenging him about leaving. My dad said he's being horrible about them as another way to get at me as I have been following his lead so much in the past. Jeez I told my parents last night about our sex life and my dad was horrified that Stbxh was so controlling even in bed and the fact that he just couldn't be bothered. That made me really think considering my dad had said it. Sometimes stbxh would be great in bed but that's only been once since DS and when I tried to initiate things 2 days later he knocked me back so my confidence was shattered again. The man didn't even want a blow job on a Sunday morning- talk about make me feel worthless.

Anyway my point was I think only with time will I see if it was abuse as I just feel like I nagged him into submission re marriage, baby etc. I feel like architect of my downfall as if I had done as he asked and waited to get married (he didn't even have a date in mind) and have a baby we'd still be together. However I said well you've proposed so why can't we get married. In fact when he got a bonus he even text me and was pleased because it meant we could pay for the wedding. Oh for goodness sake I'm going round and round with this and it has to stop. He did propose and he did have a baby with me. He may regret that now but I know he did those things because he loved me. He's now being a selfish coward who can't admit that when he got a taste of staying away from home and probably adored by some girl at work he thought 'fuck going home to that all the time. I'm off and I'll see my son as much as I do now but without the aggravation of a wife and without the financial hardship of big mortgage I can go back to doing as I want'. Seen this with father of DD and he now regrets things.

So what to do? Do I divorce him? Do I wait for him to see a solicitor and realise that money won't be split 50/50. (He is def up for spousal maintenance as both solicitors believe that). Also should I let him see DS regularly for longer periods of time (he's suggesting in the week too) so that he can't say to him that I stopped him being involved. However until he goes to mediation I'm not happy about that. He always said it was better for DD to see her dad rather than her be cross with me in the future and that's ringing in my ears. But I am scared of Stbxh due to his filthy temper witnessed yesterday so wouldn't leave him on his own with him. He is expecting to have DS on his own so he can take him to see relatives at Christmas. If he goes through mediation and controls his temper can he do that. Am I just so unbelievably hurt that he's rejected me at the one time I needed him that I don't want him to get the glory? But I still come back to the fact that how will he know I what to do if he doesn't see DS daily? Or in the eyes of the law is that irrelevant with a baby. I don't want a situation of an order re contact with DS as I know from DD that it works better us being amiable as we both get what suits us.

Main worry is him fighting for more access to DS while he's so young.

Also emotionally he's still messing with me so I agree no contact between visits. What I didn't say yesterday was that he forwarded me an email to prove he was trying to get expenses paid at work and he was openly flirting with a member of HR. He had no need to forward the proof so consciously or otherwise he was proving that he can be the utter charmer to another woman (like he used to with me) and to make me feel crap. How evil when I feel at my most vulnerable. I know he'll have a new girlfriend soon (but what will he do take them to his mum's?!) and that's so hard to take as he's rejected me. No one will want me and yes i am the sort of person who wants a man (yes just for fun NO intention of a replacement and I'm not someone who'd introduce the kids).

My self worth is just in tatters. I was such a nightmare that my husband could barely stuck around for 3 months after his son was born. Or is it as I believe that he got a taste of freedom staying away with work, a feeling of importance in his new job and he thought it was better than being with nagging wife and her daughter who were draining what he saw as his money. I'm SO hurt and all I ever wanted was for him to be nice and he has shat on me. Did I allow myself to be abused as was too needy- as he said im not the strong woman he met and I certainly don't look like her at the moment. He always said to stop going on about weight as it bored him but coming home to me looking rough can't have helped. But other men don't fuck off. I remember one friend saying to me that I shouldn't nag him whilst he was working away about how I felt and now I wish is taken her advice. He'd still be here had I shut up more and hadn't insisted on spending money on some things round the house as we'd have more money and then he wouldn't have felt that pressure. I know his mum was unimpressed to come round and see that I'd been out for lunch and that our cleaner (lucky I know but he insisted on that) had been in - it was the only time is done this. I'm sure she'll have been feeding that info to him. But but but when he first said he was leaving he said 'I never wanted all of this' gesturing to house and family life so at one point or another would he have gone. Oh bloody hell why can't I stop thinking if only I'd kept a lid on my moods more since DS came along he'd still be here? Things would have got better again. I yet again am feeling very dark thoughts as if only I'd behaves differently I'd have the man I loved

OP, I just wanted to say how much the pushing you and grabbing the baby struck a chord with me. My dd's ExP did that to her when dgd was 2 months old and he had to leave. He did love the baby so came back for a few hours at a time to spend time with dgd under my supervision. He was lovely with her but then on dgd's first birthday he was again violent to my dd and we haven't seen him since.

I mean, to me all the other stuff in your relationship is extraneous, you can't have domestic violence, especially when there are children involved. It took a couple of weeks for my two-month-old dgd to stop being angry after being involved in a situation exactly like you have described.

Fortunately you sound strong to me and with good RL support.

Thanks Mexican. I mustn't lose sight of what he did and the fact that he said 'don't start that fucking charade' when I spoke about it. He obviously believes it to be ok and it's just not. I hoe your dd and dgd are ok now

Wellwhoknew- been reading your posts-fantastic. I realised it's ok to be upset as been feeling that I just have to be strong all the time but I do mourn our future together. We may not have been together as long as you were but I have him everything (including giving up my independence) and must importantly trusting him with my DD. I will never forgive myself for that. When he wobbled 2 and a half years ago I gave him his exit( I actually opened the door) so when he stayed I believed we'd always be ok. I just can't bear it that I married a man who says I gave him bad times interspersed with good which weren't that good. I know how happy he was even in July. Reality of crying wife and baby was just too much. Will forever hate myself for whining so much and expecting him to be about more as when he was about he was generally helpful. He did see DS as a problem to be solved though (he approaches life like that) and just thought I needed to get on with it and have my parents help more (they have their own life). Oh FFS I just want to run over a cliff I feel so useless for having another failed marriage.