Baby of 3 months and husband wants to leave as I'm not the same person

[Busypeony]

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet so forgive me if acronyms not right.
I have been married for just over a year and have a DS of 3 months. My DH started a new job when our son was 1 month old and was working away a lot. This caused a lot if strain especially as DS had silent reflux and u wasn't getting any sleep. I also have a DD from previous relationship and DH had always taken her on as his own. He has been more and more detached from me and after me screaming to know what was going on (is he having an affair etc) he announced we were broken, couldn't be fixed and he was leaving. I've begged him to stay and go for counselling. Lots of my friends have told me he's emotionally abused me but I love him and want to make it work. I don't know what to do now it's all such a shock. I can't make him love me but how do I protect my children especially DD who worships him and do I have to let my baby go and stay with him? Feeling very alone and scared. Any help much appreciated

It's been so good to feel support from MN and know that people survive. I am shaking so much I can't sleep and do I get him to help with DS (he could sleep downstairs) so that I can have a break sometimes it should I just try and cope alone. If he can see me coping maybe he'll want me back but think I'll get so resentful if he just leaves completely now. If he stays it'll be confusing for DD and stops me moving forward with my life though. Just can't help think why let him just walk from the responsibility when he's offered to stay and help . What do I do?

I'm so scared of night after night of loneliness once DC are in bed - well and exhaustion. Stbxh thinks I'll just find someone else but why would anyone else want me even if I felt up to looking. 2 young kids and 2 failed marriages - Stbxh has taunted me with that in the past. I live rurally and work in a small company so I don't meet men and my last stint of internet dating laws disastrous and that was when I was younger and didn't have 2 children but 1. I won't have / don't have money to go out anyway. Surely the world will just look at me as a disaster. I feel like such a failure to my DC and to myself because I found it difficult to trust him after the first wobble and if I hadn't gone on about another child we would still have been together and I wouldn't have caused another child more pain. I just can't see a way out of this nightmare at the moment. I am shaking so much I can't sleep. I miss the husband who was nice to me, which was the one I had until recently. Yes there were faults but everyone has those. But what person would not even give counselling a try. I'm a rambling wreck!

Someone tell me I won't lie awake shaking forever!
Do I accept Stbxh offer of help of looking after DS until he's a bit older it does he just leave now? I could do with the help obviously but also hate him for putting me through this.

I really don't have the answer to your last question, but I'm awake as I'm in the States, and I'll listen as long as you need....

My feeling is you'll figure this out in a day or two, as you see how you feel and get just a bit more information. Things do have a way of becoming clearer with time.

Maybe write down how you feel, so you can let go of it and try to sleep? Take a warm bath?

You need to take care of yourself, if you've got two Cs to take care of.

Busybee3
You are not a disaster and you are not a failure. You are a caring mum to two babies and you are currently going through a hard time. Your STBXH sounds really immature, and it’s disgraceful that he’s putting you through this now when your baby is so young and you are vulnerable and in need of support. His behaviour sounds rather abusive….

Just know that it does get better eventually. You will get through this phase too. Be kind to yourself.

I was going to bed but your message reads so sad...

He thinks he's being rational and said he get married hoping it would work but i saw his face when we did get married and he meant it. it seems like i was his trying to grow up experiment. I've been looking at houses and i wont be able to afford anything like i had before i sold my house to buy with him. i'll be going totally backwards. might seem like it's just material stuff but he will be able to buy somewhere great and he doesn't care where his son lives.
i cant take sleeping pills as have a baby and yet i cant sleep and i need to. i just cant believe he'd do this to me now. i just wish, wish, wish he'd see life gets better and easier as a baby gets older.

safariboots, so many people have said he's abusive to me when i've described what he does and says.

whitsernam, thanks for your message, nice to feel not so alone. i've written so much stuff down. ultimately i love him and want to make it work and just wish he'd give it a chance and give me a chance.

Busybee, it is up to him to work at it with you; you can't do this alone. But you do need to take care of yourself and your two little ones. I know what you mean about going backwards in terms of the house, etc. I now live in a smaller house than I had before I married, but it's mine and I do like it. You can only act on the information you have at the time, so you sold your home to buy one with him. You couldn't predict the future! But you also cannot predict the future now. You sound young to me, and have many years to see what happens next, and it could be much better than you think tonight.

Cogito had some great comments for you, and she's usually really right; please go back and re-read what she wrote.

He is the one who is failing here; not you, and pushing and throwing things, grabbing the baby from you - these are not the actions of a man who deserves to have a lovely family or who appreciates what he has.

For what it's worth, I know people who have found new love after two divorces!!

One last thought and then I'll wait and see if you write more. I'm hoping you're asleep now.

There's a famous quote: When you're going through Hell, keep going!

and it makes sense! You have to come out the other side if you keep going.

Thanks whitesernam, sage advice. i don't have a choice with two children to look after and provide for (father of DD pays me hardly anything). He has bullied confidence out of me but he can be a good person - he took on my DD completely both emotionally and financially, he's not totally awful. I have done things to him too. He's said before please can you just back off when I ask in arguments and talk later and I saw a counsellor who said it would be more productive than my constant pushing for answers - as you can always talk when calm. I haven't tried hard enough at keeping a lid on my outbursts and when it escalates he shouts and throws stuff and yet I know that will happen eventually so why do i do/did it?

You mention a counselor - can you go back to this person and get help figuring out how to get through this? I mean for YOU.

None of the bullies are bad guys all the time; they'd never have a relationship with any woman if they were!! So he has some good points, or has behaved well in the past; but he's not doing it right now.

Please try to sleep, it's almost morning even now.... and then see about talking with a lawyer, the counselor, family? Anyone who can help.... just don't stay alone with all this. And keep coming back here, because other people know a lot more than I do and they will help. for you...

Now you are getting sleepy, very sleepy, your eyes are heavy, close them and stop your mind.....

Lol whitsernam, the sleepy comment is the first thing that's made me laugh today! I will try to sleep, I want to just had a whirring mind. I am hopefully going to see a counsellor tomorrow. Thanks for the advice

So see! You're figuring it out yourself! Glad for the giggles, too. That seems healthy. You'll be ok. You really will.

I hope your mind is more peaceful now. Slow down your breathing, too.... blow it out very very slowly, then another breath, and your eyes need to close...

Good night. Talk again tomorrow.

Don't be so quick to assume that you will have to move and sell your home. It's often not the case.

You need to go snd see a solicitor. Also start and take copies of bank statements and insurance polices and payslips. Whilst you might think he'll play fair, the chances are he won't.

You need to be in a position where you can prove how much he earns.

also don't forget you will probably be entitled to m tax credits etc. entitled to.co.uk is possibly a good start, there is also a calculator on the csa website which will give you an idea of how much both ex's should be paying.

Thanks redtartanshoes, I better get copying I guess. I know we have to sell the house as I could never buy him out. I have only just got to an amicable stage with my first ex-unbelievable how crap everything is. I just feel like running away and hiding. I can't face the day or my future. I know I have 2 wonderful children but having dark thoughts and lots of anxiety.
Can hear DS having a wriggle in bed over monitor and thinking I can't believe I've got his sole responsibility now- scary. Stbxh will just go off and do as he pleases while day to day I do everything and will be working hard.

I'm glad you're sounding angrier with your STBXH than you were originally. As someone who has been a lone parent from birth I can empathise with your fears about how you will cope alone. However, your confidence has clearly been destroyed by this man's behaviour and I think you will find you have more resilience when he is not there, chipping away at your self-esteem. Personally speaking, I've found lone parenting challenging but there's been enough joy along the way that the bad times are quite forgotten.

As well as getting moral support from others, please get legal advice urgently as you're making a lot of assumptions about your home etc that I think you will find are incorrect. He is not in a position to make demands about anything at all. You are now an independent woman

I'd also suggest you talk to your GP. Anxiety and unhappiness is normal but if 'dark thoughts' means you are contemplating suicide then you need to speak to a professional.

Wow. Poor you.
He is narcissistic if he seriously thinks it's all about HIM just after the birth of a baby. He sounds just like my x who told me to shape out or ship out when dc was 3 weeks old.

I cant believe now that i tried to "shape up".

If somebody walks away from you....

Let them walk...

Having read the thread, about the pushing and thowing thinngs around, just let him go. If he's got his eye on somebody else at the moment, let him go knowing it was HIS idea to go. If that falls apart he might rfuse to let YOU go later down the line.

single parenthood can be hard but it is NOT as hard as life with a controlling abusive man. That I can promise you.

Take him to the cleaners. Someone who does this to his wife 3 months after the birth of their firstborn is a little sh*t and deserves hell. You have nothing to apologise for: you just came out of a long pregnancy, have been looking by yourself after a young child and a reflux baby, and you are in need of love and support. Any man who doesn't get that is a pathetic loser. Your mistake from now on would be to make excuses on his behalf.

Busybee, have you both put equal amounts of money into this house you bought together?

I know it is really hard now, but put your children first and protect your assets. Get the paperwork together.

The counsellor asked if there was someone else. That's pretty much my impression. You probably won't find that out until later, but I would advise for now to stop torturing yourself for being responsible for the break up if he has decided his growing up experiment has failed and he wants to move in with his carefree single bit on the side he met while working away.

Don't talk to him, don't let him put the blame on you. Whatever the back story, walking out on you and his 3 month old is awful.

Tell your friends, I bet they will be very supportive if they have already picked up on his abusive tendencies. You will need RL help now.

Don't think about what the world will think of you. Who cares? You are being a brilliant mum to both your children, that's what the world does think of you.

OP - Please stop blaming yourself for this. Your aren't responsible for the actions and behaviour of another person. You just aren't. There are hundreds of women who have huge problems after having a baby - whether it's because they have multiples, or PND, or complications during birth...whatever. And in the good relationships, the man doesn't just fuck off after three months. He understands that it's a hard time, and his wife needs him more than ever. It doesn't matter if she is "irrational" or a complete mess - Because pretty much EVERYONE is after giving birth.

To be honest your husband sounds INCREDIBLY immature. Sulking because the type of holiday you guys were on changed due to having a young baby? I mean, what the actual fuck.

There is no doubt in my mind that your husband is leaving because he simply cannot be fucked with the reality of having a baby - the responsibility, etc. And also that he won't accept you asking him to do things - Anything. He sounds like the sort of man who expects The Little Woman to do as the man says. That's why you feel like you have chased him away - because you could see how much he resented you asking him to do things. But that's not for you to worry about. That is entirely his problem.

And who gives a shit about what other people think? Considering so many marriages end in divorce it's not like you are going to be the only divorcee in the village. Jesus, my hometown has a population of about 200 people, and of the married couples, over half are on their second or third marriage.