Baby of 3 months and husband wants to leave as I'm not the same person

[Busypeony]

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet so forgive me if acronyms not right.
I have been married for just over a year and have a DS of 3 months. My DH started a new job when our son was 1 month old and was working away a lot. This caused a lot if strain especially as DS had silent reflux and u wasn't getting any sleep. I also have a DD from previous relationship and DH had always taken her on as his own. He has been more and more detached from me and after me screaming to know what was going on (is he having an affair etc) he announced we were broken, couldn't be fixed and he was leaving. I've begged him to stay and go for counselling. Lots of my friends have told me he's emotionally abused me but I love him and want to make it work. I don't know what to do now it's all such a shock. I can't make him love me but how do I protect my children especially DD who worships him and do I have to let my baby go and stay with him? Feeling very alone and scared. Any help much appreciated

My favourite motto as a lone parent is

"We're the parent that stayed"

That's a truth everyone should respect

OP, please believe us when we say: This isn't your fault. You didn't drive him away and neither did your children. He made the decision to behave like a fuckwit and that's not your responsibility. Your responsibility now is you and your children. You owe him nothing.

When you get a chance and perhaps are feeling a little stronger, have a read of this site. I think it'll help you process your feelings. chumplady.com/

Actually, OP forget the site I made a mistake posting it but my advice still stands. Sorry.

You don't have to buy him out while you still have children under 18.

Well I went quiet as I couldn't cope. Stbxh walked out on Friday morning with all his clothes. He broke my daughter's heart. I have never heard a child make such an awful noise as she did when he said he was leaving. He said it was because he didn't love me and that he'd still be there for her. She said 'my heart is telling me that this is the strangest thing that has ever happened'. She has cried so much and feels so rejected and she is worrying that he will get a new family and said 'but I'M his child'. We has called him once but he hasn't been in contact with me and seems to have forgotten that he walked out on us.

I contacted his mum and brother and said I think he needs help as this isn't normal behaviour but they've not replied. His best friend thinks I need to give him time. I am so heartbroken though and small things start me off crying (I don't cry in front of DD). As I've been here before I know I can cope and I will but it doesn't stop the pain and helplessness.

I've tried to distract DD as much as possible and at least school starts this week. My friends and family have been great but I am struggling with the rejection. Has anyone else taken pills? The doctor gave me some but I'm not sure about taking them. It's all so daunting.

My fighting instinct is back though and I'm damned if he'll turf me out like he'd like to. But ultimately I want my husband back- the nice one not the one I've had lately. Has anyone else dealt with male PND as that's what he seems to have?

If you've been prescribed a course of anti-depressants then please take them. They don't make the situation go away but they may enable you to function a little more normally short-term and enable you to eat & sleep etc

I'm going to be blunt now. You have to work on the assumption that this is the real him. Whatever he was in the past it has well and truly gone and you must deal with the person on face value as he is now, not as he used to be. You cannot safely say it's PND or stress or anything else medical. You are calling him a 'nice husband' but your friend thinks you have been emotionally abused. His family are clearly not worried about his mental health.

Bullies are very selfish, cruel people and they care nothing for anyone but themselves. You say it's not normal behaviour but it is very normal behaviour for a bully to drop those closest to them in the shit without a backward glance. He's not bothered enough about the DCs to be in touch. I'd go further and say be prepared for more shocks around the corner.

So I'm sorry you are having such a nasty experience and I'm sorry your DD is so upset. It's all normal, unfortunately. I'm glad your friends and family are getting behind you. Please look after yourself. He isn't worth your sympathy

Thanks Cogito, I am eating and sleeping. I think because when I went through this with the father of DD I didn't, and I know how important it is. Also I've been feeling a sense of relief funnily enough - at least I know where I am now. I've also booked to see a solicitor as I imagine he'll get nasty quite quickly. It's very odd not speaking to him, it's like he's died. Can't believe he hasn't asked about DC at least. So many friends have pointed out how selfish he was and has no understanding if what he's left me with. The scariest kind I've had from him when discussing why he shoved me across the room was 'but you weren't listening to me'. How can he say that in the cold light of day? It's good to be able to post in here it certainly helps with the feelings of isolation.

Hi MNs
I'm looking for some survival tips. Stbxh left on Friday and still hasn't asked about DS. He did speak to DD about going back to school and was completely normal with her. Maybe he blames DS deep down for problems?
He has given his Dad a different set of reasons to he gave me. He said it had been a stressful 18 months (miscarriage, difficult pregnancy, relative dying, me getting depression and a newborn) and that during that time I had not considered him enough and the effect it had on him- I even rang his dad back a day later to check is got it right. I know I don't need a man like that but it still bloody kills me that he didn't love me enough to try. He has played at happy families and when I wanted DS maybe I shouldn't have gone on so much but he didn't have to have sex with me! I remember with DDs dad that I just switched one day and thought this just doesn't work and that's what is being done to me now. I did go to counselling though and DDs dad has since said it was him who mucked up as he was spending all our money. I've been to see a solicitor and it's scary how Stbxh could spank the equity on our house on legal fees to spite me and then I'm left with nothing. I used to be independent 4 years ago and he's putting me worse off. I only had one child then and now I've got 2 to provide for and I'm terrified. Ex H is helping me with DD and has said he'll step up and finally be a dad to her.
I just want the pain of Stbxh rejecting me to stop. I can't help thinking 'what if' but even when I saw a counsellor he said as a man you just don't behave like that and was amazed he wasn't fighting to see his son (his get out is well I said I'd be guided by you- but I can't have him here with DD as she so confused). Should I be encouraging him to see DS more? Should he not want to see him more? His friend who I spoke to and his dad said just give him some cooling off time anyway but I know that in 10 days when I see him it'll be very hateful on his part as he even answered the phoeb that way when DD spoke to him. Is this all just karma for me ending my first marriage? Has anyone been through this and come out happier? I'm no shirker but I'm going to have to work bloody hard to put a roof over my kids head and it's sad when I used to see them more working part time.
Please practical and emotional advice much welcome as to how I handle DD, the Stbxh and how I retains a life for me. And are there success stories after 2 divorces and 2 children by different fathers. I'm so low and each minute is killing me

Oh Busybee, you sound so distressed and I cannot imagine how hard you must be finding this. I don't have much in the way of practical solutions I'm afraid, but just wanted to try to reassure you that yes, there are success stories after 2 divorces/ children with different fathers - I can think of two of my friends who went through this and are now happily settled in loving relationships with good men.
It must all seem totally impossible right now, and I am sure that the next weeks and months will be a struggle in many ways. But you will come through it, as will your children (who are very lucky to have you by the way). This must be a very upsetting time for your DD and I think that all you can do is to reassure her that you love her, will always be there for her, and that none of this is her fault. You are a great mum.

Thank you procastinating peacock. I went back to see the doctor this morning and he gave me some tablets that work straight away to make you feel better which is what I need. I could have easily veered in front of a lorry this morning on school run. He said that I was having such a nauseous reaction to the other antidepressants as I had so many toxic chemicals in my brain that needed to come out. In a way that didn't help as then I started off on a spiral of 'that's why he left me'. I ended up hysterical on the phone to my mum who said that I was anxious when I had DS - but I was trying to point out that wasn't anxiety just new baby stuff. I then had a row with her saying this wasn't all about her and ended up putting the phone down. I then felt even worse as I realised that's the kind of row I had with stbxh and it's what drove him mad about me....but I also realised he drove me mad and I didn't leave home like he did.
I’ve realised some real home truths about myself – like I always thought the grass would be greener when DD’s Dad and I split up and he said that karma would come and get me and it has as stbxh has done the same to me. (I’m being slightly deluded here as ex h used to lie and ran up credit card debts etc that I knew nothing about - champagne tastes on lemonade money and he’s still the same. When DD came along he didn’t exactly work hard). However, am I starting to realise I should have worked at it more – but I could never see myself growing old with him (mainly at the time because I thought we’ll never have any money) and now stbxh is saying the same to me but because I’m such hard work it’s been pretty harsh realising that. I have been anxious ever since he said he was going to leave 2 and half years ago (but equally he had panic attacks before we bought a house together). I guess I can’t keep blaming myself as he has walked out. I kept trying to get him to open up and I can see that I needed help to stop rows escalating but he needed help to stop throwing things and thinking it was ok to shove me and he was always grumpy.

My parents left me with the thought that I didn’t need a man who walked out 6 days ago and last asked about his son 5 days ago when he spoke to my DD. He would say - oh it’s because I told you I’d be guided by you on seeing him but surely he’d care enough to see how he’s doing. He knows from my DD that to be a better Dad it’d be better to be involved but I guess he thinks as DS is so young it make no difference. Can’t believe he’s left me with ALL the responsibility even down to when he should see his son. I’m just so gutted but having to keep clinging on to the fact that he said ‘ I never wanted all of this’ meaning family life. Pathetic thing is I still wish he’d come back.

I don't know why this man has walked out on you but I know for definite that it is not helping you in the slightest to torment yourself with ideas about karma/ natural justice and being 'hard work' & so forth. Please try not to go down those lines of thought because self-reproach really achieves nothing constructive and will only smash your confidence further.

The truth is that you are describing an angry, abusive and very selfish man who made you anxious and had you walking around on eggshells. If you've been living in those conditions for 2.5 years - believing it is your responsibility to make him happy and 'work at it more' - then you are bound to believe he left because you didn't make him happy. Truth is that it suits some people to appear never to be happy... or to say they 'never wanted this'... because that way you're always kept eager to please.

You want him back simply because you want the pain to stop and to resume some kind of normality. That's pretty standard I think. You're not experiencing the anger yet. You're not feeling 'how bloody dare he!!?!!'. That's when you'll start to feel better.

Wow you're good at this Cogito, thank you. You're the first person to point out that I want him back for the pain to stop (not to mention the shame I'm feeling) but he'd still be putting me through pain as he just didn't want to be here . I emailed him today and told him not to see DD on her birthday next week as it's too confusing for her (took advice from a counsellor on this and her dad is finally stepping up). He came straight back saying he was disappointed and hoped her first day back at school had gone well. Finally he then wrote 'all ok with DS?'. So that took 6 days to see how his son was

I can look back now and see that he was so flustered with me changing my mind about having children with him as he felt happy to fall in love with me as he didn't and at the time I didn't. However, no one made him propose 2 days after I miscarried. I should have picked up more on how flustered he got about getting married quickly - but no one put a gun to his head. He could have walked. But hey ho he didn't and instead he ran away when the going got tough. Not a man any woman needs. But bloody hell 2 divorces 2 children with 2 different dads. Not good for them or me!

Everyone is capable of making a bad choice of partner and, whilst it's a matter for regret, it's not a reason to beat yourself up. Your DS isn't old enough to care and your DD is probably quite pleased to have Mum all to herself. What has happened and why it happened is now very much water under the bridge. Mulling over it too much can keep you stuck in a depressive cycle which is why it's important to do whatever you can to look forward, stay busy and keep the past-chewing manageable.

Yes, the pain doesn't stop if they walk back. Keep working on locating your anger and indignation. Better to place the blame where it lies ... him... rather than turning it inwards. 'His loss'.

Thanks again Cogito. I am trying to sort things our practically now and keep coming back to the fact that whatever character flaws I have (many) they did not justify him pushing me across the room away from my son and saying 'what are you going to do about it have 2 divorces and 2 bastard children'. That shows true colours as he clearly believed he held all the control. Times ahead are daunting and I am terrified of seeing him and of him having a new partner (especially if he ended with someone with children as DD would be devastated) but nothing I did justified him walking out in his baby. Even that though he turns around and says 'oh I offered to stay and help' but he was so hateful towards me that just wasn't an option. He also would have been no real support as a lot of the time it's emotional support that you need. So many people are shocked that when DS was 4 weeks he decided he had to stay at his mums to make it easier for him to go to work and he kept saying he'd stay at home more when DS slept through -I deserved help. Hmm indignation starting to set in!

Any suggestions on what to do about grandparents and seeing DS? His parents are divorced and I get on well with his father but his mother has been pretty horrid already and hasn't asked about seeing DS therefore do I just leave it? I want to do the right thing by DS but also need to look after myself. I suppose I can leave that for a while.

As for actually seeing stbxh next week should I go to neutral territory with DS? He can't get cross then.

Re grandparents.... I think anyone and everyone else has to be put on the back burner for now. Your priorities are you and your DCs, and in that order. You need to be functioning as well as possible in order to cope and that means you don't need anyone in your life who isn't going to be 100% committed, supportive and bring something positive to the table. 'Doing the right thing by your DCs' means providing a calm, stable, reliable home. Certainly don't go out of your way to force people to be involved if they're not a) volunteering and b) fully on your side.... and that includes your ex and his family.

In my own family one of my grandmothers was a terrible, abusive woman. My DM rightly kept myself and my DB away from her. If she'd exposed me to this grandmother just because we happened to share a few bits of DNA, I wouldn't have regarded that as 'doing the right thing.

Slugseatlettuce you've made me laugh. You're right there is no real other reason for leaving. The only reason he's so angry with me is because if he hates me it makes him feel better about himself.

I have found out today that he told our mortgage broker before me that he was leaving and tried to get us out of our new mortgage! Charming.

Cogito you're right as usual. His mum can be poisonous so beat to steer clear until I am in a better place. She has text me but it wouldn't be difficult to call. His dad rings me every other day to check I'm ok and that the DCs are. It's pathetic she's even stopped putting kisses on her texts- honestly how old is she?!

Busy - I just came back to this today, and I am amazed how far you've come! You're sounding stronger and more clear about the situation, and even laughing once in a while. I'm loving the new you! KOKO and don't let yourself take in his criticisms. He's just trying to make himself feel better.

I'm so up and down whitsernam. I've just gone on here as feeling desperately lonely and my stomach aches with a longing to hear his voice and have a hug. I have him everything, loved him absolutely and so the rejection is horrific. I can tell myself so many times that he was mean but facing the weekend without him is so hard. It's DDs birthday party tomorrow and this time last year I was rushing off to the loo with morning sickness and I was so happy. This year everything is carp except for my children. I'm so tired that I've got no energy for them. I can't bear the thought of always feeling this lonely. So scary as well that I'm going to be so dependent in him financially for a while. Pain, pain go away :-(. I need the confidence to sit on my own but I'm such a social chatty person so I hate this. Bloody hell sorry for such a down post

You may be on your own right now but if you're a sociable and chatty person you won't be lonely for long. It is particularly hard when the person you would normally go to in a crisis is the person responsible for the crisis.

Busy, could you have some pampering this weekend? When the kids are in bed, run a hot bath and light a candle, or take a book into the bath with you... glass of wine? Music you love, watch a movie, There have to be things you have not done because of taking care of the kids, that you could do just a little for yourself. I'm sure you will make friends in many places; you just haven't been needing them so much so haven't looked for them, but when you do look you will notice people everywhere who seem friendly and might have common interests with you. It will happen.

I'm going to stay at my parents' tomorrow so I'm not alone and the problem with our house is that it's memories at every turn. We bought this as our family home and have done lots of work to it so even when I go in the bathroom I think of him. When I go to the DVDs I think about his way of ordering them and even that makes me sad. It's so annoying. In so many ways I want to never come back to our home but I'd kill my mum if we lived together (!) and I think it's best for DD to be at home. I'm so upset with him for throwing away a lovely life and so many happy times but ultimately I can't change his mind about wanting it. He was caring right up until DS turned up.

Two of my best friends have just offered to come over this evening and that has made me feel so much happier. I just need to get organised about seeing people. Even if stbxh is going out tonight I might be stuck at home but at least I have the children (tempted to turn up on Monday and hand him DS and tell him to get on with it as I don't fancy family life anymore!). It's odd that he's been getting in touch with old friends in the last 6 weeks. Like he's trying to go back in time and was setting himself up to see people when he left. I was annoyed with him when he was staying away with work and he started going out in the evening with old work colleagues as I thought well why don't you come home then. Would have taken him 90 mins to get home if he left at 7pm and could have been back to have helped- selfish selfish selfish.

So here I am again suddenly waking in the early hours in a panic. It's the most awful feeling in the world. It's like waking from a nightmare but I'm still in it and I feel suffocated.

I don't know how I got through DD's birthday party yesterday. Well I cried (away from her) at the sadness of how happy we were last year when I knew I was pregnant and had so many hopes for the future. Ironically father of DD and his partner were really helpful. It made me think about my relationship with him and why it broke down. I wanted more from life and had a drive that he didn't (the spending my money and lies etc from him were if I'm honest not the main reason I ended it as he could have worked on those issues). I remember thinking that there wasn't enough intellectually between us as once DD had gone we wouldn't know what to say to each other. Then it bloody hit me like a brick that Stbxh felt the same way about me. He couldn't deal with how I get in a flap about things. I remember DDs birthday the first year he was around. He was up early for work and was meant to be back earlier in the evening to see her. He was at a meeting that he chose to go to far away and wouldn't reschedule. In my mind I wanted the perfect family set up of him being there and it was so important to me as her dad wasn't on the scene at the time. We had such a row when he was stuck in traffic on the way home. I got in a right panic about something out of his control like the traffic. However it just sums up the difference in outlook - work for him and what he wanted was the priority. He wasn't prepared to say to someone that my DDs birthday was important to him because ultimately to him the desire of his own who was higher (the meeting was about a potential deal that I could see was going nowhere as I worked in the same industry at the time so that's why it really irritated me). But I imagine Stbxh would cite that as one of our major differences. I look back and wish I'd chilled out and hasn't got in a flap (about so many things). He always made things at school when he could so don't get me wrong about him. But when push came to shove he came first. That why when he could have been at home more when DS was small he didn't as to him the priority was getting a good night's sleep in a hotel as he wanted to succeed at work in his new job.

When he gesticulated the day he told me he was leaving and said 'I never wanted any of this' about family life, mortgage etc I thought what a joke you wanted a family home for your family to come to at Christmas etc but now I think oh I don't know what I think. As Cogito said I shouldn't go over it but sometimes when I feel like this writing helps.

I think what I'm trying to get at is with father of DD I knew we wanted two different things out of life. I wanted us both to work hard and as he said when I was on mat leave he was waiting for me to go back to work as I was the higher earner. When I was offered a promotion if I worked one day more a week he said - what's the point but I knew I needed my career too and it was a great opportunity for us as a family. For me it was a defining moment as he didn't push me and just wanted to coaat along. With Stbxh he obviously had the realisation when he was staying away and he had nagging wife on the phone in tears as she was so hormonal. The thing is I'll never forgive him for ditching me know when I really needed him (as well as his DC). He ultimately chose to be horrid to me to try to get me to kick him out. It's no diffenr to me having a quick fling when my relationship with father of DD ended. I needed to do something awful to make it end. The hung is father of DD was doing something awful which was spending all my mat bonus and lying about it and spanking credit cards I didn't even know he had. All I did to Stbxh was be hormonal after having a baby. Therefore he's an arse for not supporting me and DS. He may well have thought - nope we're just too different and want different things (like I did with father of DD) BUT he did not have to act on it at that time. He could have gone through the motions for a while longer. He didn't have to not talk to me for a whole day on holiday because I shouted like a washerwoman for DD (how many of us have done that?!). He could have seen that to be vile when I had a 3 month old was wrong. Ultimately he has behaved like a nasty but of work but the realisation that he won't be coming back is hard and it hurts that he doesn't miss me. Fucking hell though talk about mess with people's lives!
At least with father of DD I can say you were being an idiot spending money we didn't have and expecting me to work for it. Stbxh is being as angry with me because he thinks I duped him by changing my mind about wanting more children. It's a bit different! He thought he could go along with family life but when he wasn't able to be just who he wanted and have limitations as a result of us he left. Aomwone wise posted on here that I should stop thinking he was having a crisis as he wasn't he was just selfish and it's bloody true.

Phew I think I have my head a but straighter now. I will always miss the nice him as i really believed we would spend our lives together but the REAL him is a different person.

I text his mum a photo of DD at her party yesterday and 10 mins later he text asking how the party went. I think he misses her a lot but he won't be coming back as he can't compromise his ego anymore.

On a practical note anyone got any sleep tips when I'm like this as being so tired is not helping.

Also I am finding being in our gown really hard but my mum doesn't want me staying with her all the time so how do I get over that?! Being at home sends me into even more of a panic.

Also is it reasonable to ask to meet him on neutral ground to see DS next weekend? Don't know about all this as father of DD always just had her for weekends etc from the word go as she was older.

Thanks for advice

I've just read about stonewalling on MN. Like a huge revelation. That was Stbxh all over before he left. Another great trait of his!

Hi Busy

I have no experience of break-ups involving children/marriage so unfortunately I can't help you with questions about contact etc.
However I do have a 3m old ds who has been very colicky (diagnosed with silent reflux but turns out it was tongue tie all along) so I just wanted to post to say I think you are amazing for coping with all of this grief on top of sleep deprivation and exhaustion (and you are coping, your strength shines through in your posts). Your children are so lucky to have YOU, please remember that. I hope your ds is settling a bit more now, I'm finding mine is much happier now he has hit the 3m mark-though it's still bloody tough.
FWIW your stbxh does not sound very mature. I have been all the things you describe - hormonal/tired/cross/demanding/etc and being "nice" to my DH has not been a priority for me. He's a grown up and he can see that there are others in the house (we have an older dd too) who need our care and attention right now. Any man who cannot forget about his own needs for a while, esp in the newborn stage, needs to be kicked into touch. You will be so much stronger and better off without him. His loss, big time.

I hope you can get some sleep tonight.
And enjoy your ds and lots of cuddles with him. He needs you but you also need him,

Xxx