At what point do you become a shit wife?

[thinkineed2admit]

Love my husband to bits, proper soulmates. Have been married 5yrs and never ever ever thought about another man 'that way'. Nothing's changed, I still love him to bits.

Trouble is I'm a bit of a shagger....I just love sex, novelty, conquest, the thrill of the chase etc etc and everyone says women can't 'compartmentalise' like men and shag without a relationship in the end, but I'm not like that - I can, and have (PRE husband obvs). My husband is the opposite and needs a connection in order to shag. In the past I've behaved myself and felt smug about it but it seems thats over because I've met someone with a strong enough attraction tot hat it's actually broken through the wall. I feel a little alone right now because I'm feeling this temptation I'm currently experiencing but can't breathe a word to my husband about the struggle I'm having. It's NOT a reflection on him, or a lessening of our love...it's just me...leaopards, spots etc.

As a result of finally getting my dream job I met a nice man. Initially I thought he was just so nice to everyone, which he is, but I'm now pretty convinced we actually fancy each other :( We have friended on facebook ages ago, but we never contact each other via, and I don't have his phone number and never intend to get it. I have acted 'normally' around him, we have not done anything or discussed anything. But I do have to see him for work and i just CAN'T chuck away all the work I've put in and do an about turn on my dream career!!! And it's so niche, I cant transfer or anything like that.

But I'm having the temptation and feel shit about it. I've heard about 'EA's' and just wondering where the line is? texting? facebooking? hugging? or just having a good time together and knowing you'd like to shag each other? :S

Please be supportive and not shouty, I honestly haven't done anything so far!

Please dont do it you will ruin everything.

Tell your husband, break the spell.

Tell your husband you have a crush on a work colleague

In answer to your question I think it is when you act on the above. Thinking about it is one thing, doing something about it is another.

I would say anything other than thinking about it, is crossing the line. You have committed to your husband, cheating is cheating, however you want to dress it up. If you want to shag someone else, leave your husband first and give him a chance of finding someone else. If you want to stay with your husband, avoid this new admirer and keep your pants on. Easy.

oh god really? tell him? wont that crush him? whatever I say he'll feel totally shit that he wasnt enough to hold my interest 100% forever????

Think of your husband and your wedding vows..
Maybe you could talk to your husband and liven things up at home? Try and minimise contact with the guy at work.

What you have is a crush.

If it wasnt a crush and you truly wanted to have sex with this man then you would be posting about how it is justified.

I often get crushes, I too was a bit of a shagger in my younger days and I wonder if being a very sexual person makes you more aware of the opposite sex in that way. Just a theory. But they pass. I get that "OMG I cant stop thinking about him" feeling, I day dream, I fantisise and then....I get over it. Usually its when the object of my affections shows that they are just normal and human after all and not the God of Men that they have been in my fantasies!

Remind yourself, he farts in bed the same as everyone else!

In this particular set of circumstances, I recommend you tell your husband. Nothing like a dash of cold water to ruin the frisson.

I hope to god I will not act on it, I feel strong enough not to right now and would hate myself forever if I was so stupid and weak!!!!!!! (crying now)

...my question is, am I already rubbish for thinking it? Have I already crossed the line? Should I seriously blow this thing wide open and own up or just swallow it down and think 'sure it happens to everyone at some point'?

thanks bogeyface - yes I am reminding myself that this guy is 99% certain to be a total twat to live with, I KNOW for a fact I do NOT want 'a relationship' with him.

I'd sit tight for a month or so and see if he's still quite so wildly attractive when the novelty of working with an shaggable man has worn off. I agree it's a crush and you're maybe over-thinking it in view of your past - you're attaching more importance to it than you need to. Do nothing for now.

I hope to god I will not act on it, I feel strong enough not to right now and would hate myself forever if I was so stupid and weak!!!!!!!

There is no hope, there is no weak. Either you say yes or you say no (assuming he is interested and there is a fair chance he isnt you know!). If you say yes then you are making a conscious decision to cheat on your husband. That is not being weak, that is being cruel and selfish.

So say no, if it ever comes up, which I doubt tbh.

And no you are not a bad person for thinking about it. Crushes happen and they keep us amused for a while. If you spent your time plotting how you could spend time alone with this man, started having FB exchanges or text messages that you dont want your husband to see etc then yes that would be crossing a line.

Look. It kills you inside when you find out that your supposed 'soulmate' fucks someone else. Don't do it to your husband, or indeed this other guy's wife.

Think of the fallout after he has his way then it's over, my now ex wife did exactly the same , even not wanting a 'relationship' they had an 'arrangement' ...it all goes wrong with lots of victims especially the children...it's not worth it , do the decent thing end your marriage ..THEN start shagging around it's much easier that way for everyone involved..

Other guy is single, but realise that does not make it ANY better, and also agree he may not like me that way!! But like to feel prepared about things and know we will be working together. I have to be ready to say NO if it does come up.

Also perhaps you need to alter your mindset.

Attraction has always meant sex for you I am guessing? So whenever you liked someone you went all out to shag them?

You say that you loved the chase and the feeling of conquest, it makes me wonder if you get your self esteem from being wanted, chased and found attractive. From "winning" a man, were any of your conquests other womens partners by any chance? Not judging at all, just trying to understand where you are coming from.

It's quite simple if and when it comes up, say no because I married my soulmate and I am not prepared to cheat on him...if you do you then become 'a shit wife' sorry but it is as simple as that.

Do not act, it will pass. I've been here a few times too. Don't beat yourself up, it's still more fantasy than reality unless you cross that line.

OP and Bogeyface, like you two, I was a bit of a shagger and found it easy to compartmentalise, very easy. After 10 years of being with DH I'm currently experiencing my first crush and it's makes my head twirl but I personally wouldn't tell my DH as I know that this feeling will pass without me acting on it and that DH would be totally heartbroken, as would I be if the tables were turned.

Enjoy the fantasy in your head and just wait out the passion in your pants. It's actually not worth it.

I'm in a similar position, only a few weeks on. I took the next step of texting - I think the youngsters these days call it sexting - which was an amazing adrenalin rush for the 5 weeks it lasted but has now come to an end and I think I feel worse for it.

I convinced myself, that as we both said it was purely mental and not going to happen physically, it was ok. But, low and behold emotions found their way in and we had no choice but to end it. NOTHING happened physically, all over text. But in a way was more disruptive as my every waking thought was about him.

Now I feel like some love sick teenager, obviously can't confide in my DH, so a picking my way through my emotions. If I hD the chance to do it a again tho, I would. Which in itself speak volumes.

If you have a chance if get out before anything happens then I would say do that. If you're already in......I would have a very careful think about what your subconscious can cope with. Turns ours mine couldn't cope with as much as I would have liked.

I wouldn't tell btw. It will hurt your husband and there is no need. Most people get crushes at some time or another.

Yes bogey, very much so, attraction = sex and I love to feel wanted. I have slept with other women's partners but would not say I sought them out and obviously feel VERY bad about it now. I'm no angel, I have a very dodgy past but thought I'd put it all behind me now :'( I have secrets I can't tell my husband from my past, not because I'm a coward but because of how I know it would hurt him to hear it, and he worships me and we have such a perfect life together really, and a daughter, and it feels worse to plant a nuclear bomb in the middle of that vs. me just keeping my mouth shut and behaving myself. :( I've squared this with myself because it was all pre-him and the past is the past and I'm a different person now.

...or am I!? :'( This crush has really shaken that belief.

Been there. Don't tell your DH, ffs. You'll destroy him! It is a crush, it will pass. Hide him on facebook and keep all contact professional. In a few months, you'll remember this and wonder what the fuss was about.

thanks angel :)