At what point do you become a shit wife?

[thinkineed2admit]

Love my husband to bits, proper soulmates. Have been married 5yrs and never ever ever thought about another man 'that way'. Nothing's changed, I still love him to bits.

Trouble is I'm a bit of a shagger....I just love sex, novelty, conquest, the thrill of the chase etc etc and everyone says women can't 'compartmentalise' like men and shag without a relationship in the end, but I'm not like that - I can, and have (PRE husband obvs). My husband is the opposite and needs a connection in order to shag. In the past I've behaved myself and felt smug about it but it seems thats over because I've met someone with a strong enough attraction tot hat it's actually broken through the wall. I feel a little alone right now because I'm feeling this temptation I'm currently experiencing but can't breathe a word to my husband about the struggle I'm having. It's NOT a reflection on him, or a lessening of our love...it's just me...leaopards, spots etc.

As a result of finally getting my dream job I met a nice man. Initially I thought he was just so nice to everyone, which he is, but I'm now pretty convinced we actually fancy each other :( We have friended on facebook ages ago, but we never contact each other via, and I don't have his phone number and never intend to get it. I have acted 'normally' around him, we have not done anything or discussed anything. But I do have to see him for work and i just CAN'T chuck away all the work I've put in and do an about turn on my dream career!!! And it's so niche, I cant transfer or anything like that.

But I'm having the temptation and feel shit about it. I've heard about 'EA's' and just wondering where the line is? texting? facebooking? hugging? or just having a good time together and knowing you'd like to shag each other? :S

Please be supportive and not shouty, I honestly haven't done anything so far!

EXACTLY what quietlysuggests says. I'll bet you've lost a bit of weight too and bought some new clothes and feel like a million dollars.

Dream Job? You are considering having a fling in the office with all the risk that will entail. Are you completely mad? Do you want to be known as the slapper/office bike/adulterous new colleague? Don't for a second think you will get away with it and you will forever be worried that on the next work trip which your husband can attend, someone will allude to you two getting cozy/totally wasted on the last trip and your husband will get suspicious. It's not worth it and it will ruin your new job for you.

DO NOT tell your husband about your crush. It will fade.

Could well be something in that theory! I was mulling over earlier exactly what it is I like about him and pretty much could only come up with that 'he's good at what I'm good at and we're so great haha yay dream job'!

And god no, I really don't want to be the office bike!!!!

He's single and has nothing to lose. He will talk especially if you are attractive, just to wind up married men you work with

5 yrs married - together for how long beforehand? Are you in classic 7 yr itch territory in danger of becoming a cliche?

Do you have children? Now think about trying to manage them as a single parent AND your dream job. How much harder is that going to be?

Think about your DH meeting someone else, and that woman being the person your children spend weekends with.

WAKE UP.

[sorry to be a complete b*tch but from the comment about crying - you sound like you need a real wake up call]

and I'm a different person now....or am I!?

We're the same person all our life but i think we get better at it as we learn our shiny side and our darkness. The spiky stuff is choosing which side to be on in any event, you know, angel or demon type scenario?

I think this is where you get to activate your knowledge of yourself and your compulsions. If you're black belt at "being you" then it's possible to enjoy the high of these feelings whilst remaining "innocent" ... nothing wrong with a bit of cloud 9 walking.

Maybe this is a reminder of how strong you are rather than a cackling demon whispering bad bad thoughts ...

I also think this is part of your journey, need, rather than your DH's.

I have confidence in you!

I'm not out of control, honestly,

Then why were you saying that you were frightened of yourself?

If you felt you had complete control, there would be no problem.

You are saying, in essence that you are frightened that you will have sex with this man despite not wanting to.

That doesn't sound like control.

(And yes, the attraction might be tied up with ideas about dream jobs or brown hair or nice hands or whatever, but the attraction isn't your problem, your apparent fear that you can't control the attraction is)

I don't think you are honestly analyzing the situation.

Thinkineed - Just wondering whether there might be an element of the self-destructive here? This guy has the potential to ruin your work life and your married life, and yet you're attracted to him, but you can't think why you like him... You're also putting yourself down a bit in some of your posts.

I'm just wondering whether you feel deep down as if you're not good enough to deserve the "dream job" and the man you're married to, and that you might be subconsciously looking for a way to wreck everything for yourself...

Just ignore me if that doesn't make sense, I just thought it might be worth considering.

Nothing wrong with having a bit of a crush now and then as long as you don't act on it.

I got myself in a right state one about dh's mates oa few years ago, he was (physically) just my type. Had some fab fantasies for a while but I love dh and I wouldn't hurt him by messing with his mate, that would be horrible. It wore off after a few weeks.

I would never tell dh. That would be incredibly hurtful.

To be perfectly honest I'm glad I'm in the type of relationship where my DP can tell me if he's attracted to someone/worried about developing a connection.

I would hate to think he was secretly lusting over the woman next door and couldn't tell me about it.

I'm unsure as to why people think telling the DH is a bad idea.

*once

I have been in your position - DO NOT tell your husband, you may get over this one, but it will lead him to question his trust in you in so many other situations.

I like to rationalise it by telling myself that sexual attraction is a chemical reaction, it is my body/phermones reacting to someone elses, it is out of my control. But I am married, what is in my control is how I act.

I have been married for 19yrs and with my OH for 23 - I have felt like this 4 times over the years - I have enjoyed that "warm & fuzzy" feeling you get from mutual attraction, but have never acted on it.

BTW, I feel like a shit wife sometimes too!!!

I guess I felt a bit out of control yesterday having just got back from a trip with that team and having felt so attracted to him and been a teensy bit flirtier than I usually am and feeling a bit more returning from him than usual and thinking "oh shit!" bad, bad, bad. But having been told that even non-shaggers get crushes from time to time, I maybe haven't crossed any lines after all and can easily get this thing back under control and I just feel stronger for having that knowledge!

Could be a bit of self destruction going on too, I'm no psychiatrist (or whatever the appropriate term is) but I know that all through childhood it seemed like whatever, wherever or whoever I came to love got whipped away from me. Nothing remained stable for any length of time. Maybe it does all feel a bit too perfect right now? I do feel undeserving of DHs love sometimes :(

Normal with long term relationships for you to from time to time get crushes on other people (physical or emotional or both).

All normal human feelings. I would not feel guilty about it or anything.

If you are behaving yourself about it then no need to tell other half.

I would say when it comes to sex you have decribed me and my hubby. (Prefer not to call myself a bit of a shagger though )
It can be very hard having a different sex drive and emotional sexuality than your other half. I do think that may end up being the make or break of your relationship. Not a some other bloke. After 11 years we have finally changed with age and met some where in the middle. However there was a time when I was not sure if I could cope with us being so different about sex.

Luckily I'm very happy with my sex life with DH, I think we have similar drives thank goodness, but just a different 'philosophy' IYSWIM? This is what makes me feel particularly bad - there is no problem with our marriage, it's great, I can't think of a single thing to improve it except maybe our workloads but that should get better soon. It's an outside problem really, not a problem with 'us'.

I only used the term bit of a shagger for lack of a better phrase!

I have been good, MIQ posted on fb today, and I completely ignored it, not even a like 8) lol

Oh don't whip your own happiness away from yourself, your husband, your dream job.

whatever, wherever or whoever I came to love got whipped away from me

I totally get this. 3 loves lost to death and plenty of other loss that felt like death does affect the urge to cling to (and seek out) whatever smells of Life ... (i did some crazy reprehensible stuff too)

You are your Life ... live it well ...

thanks tipsy :)