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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

At what point do you become a shit wife?

93 replies

thinkineed2admit · 26/08/2014 20:18

Love my husband to bits, proper soulmates. Have been married 5yrs and never ever ever thought about another man 'that way'. Nothing's changed, I still love him to bits.

Trouble is I'm a bit of a shagger....I just love sex, novelty, conquest, the thrill of the chase etc etc and everyone says women can't 'compartmentalise' like men and shag without a relationship in the end, but I'm not like that - I can, and have (PRE husband obvs). My husband is the opposite and needs a connection in order to shag. In the past I've behaved myself and felt smug about it but it seems thats over because I've met someone with a strong enough attraction tot hat it's actually broken through the wall. I feel a little alone right now because I'm feeling this temptation I'm currently experiencing but can't breathe a word to my husband about the struggle I'm having. It's NOT a reflection on him, or a lessening of our love...it's just me...leaopards, spots etc.

As a result of finally getting my dream job I met a nice man. Initially I thought he was just so nice to everyone, which he is, but I'm now pretty convinced we actually fancy each other :( We have friended on facebook ages ago, but we never contact each other via, and I don't have his phone number and never intend to get it. I have acted 'normally' around him, we have not done anything or discussed anything. But I do have to see him for work and i just CAN'T chuck away all the work I've put in and do an about turn on my dream career!!! And it's so niche, I cant transfer or anything like that.

But I'm having the temptation and feel shit about it. I've heard about 'EA's' and just wondering where the line is? texting? facebooking? hugging? or just having a good time together and knowing you'd like to shag each other? :S

Please be supportive and not shouty, I honestly haven't done anything so far!

OP posts:

WildBillfemale · 26/08/2014 20:44

Me and H laugh about our latest crushes - a little flirting is healthy as long as you inject the friskiness it creates back into your marriage.......

AnyFucker · 26/08/2014 20:46

OP, you actually sound frightened of yourself

Original poster

thinkineed2admit · 26/08/2014 20:48

i think I am AF. which sounds fucking ridiculous to actually say - what the hell does that mean? I do straight talking, not drama queening.

OP posts:

Original poster

thinkineed2admit · 26/08/2014 20:50

going to have to go, my crying is upsetting my daughter and DH is due back with takeaway any minute and what the hell do I tell him about random sobbing?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/08/2014 20:51

Hence my suggestion to talk it over with your husband. Not in a "I feel like shagging the bloke at work" way but in a "I am feeling a bit unsafe just now and can we do some stuff to reconnect" kinda way.

AnyFucker · 26/08/2014 20:52

Woah ! It's not worth this, love ! If you don't want to talk this over with your H...a trusted friend ?

Castlemilk · 26/08/2014 20:55

You've just got a crush.

Everyone gets them!

Don't try and weave a picture of yourself as someone different to explain it - that way danger lies. It's not that you are a 'shagger', 'the rare woman who can compartmentalise' - don't go there, don't start making excuses which will end with 'But I couldn't resist - it's in my chemistry!'

No. Everyone feels like this. The clever people see it for what it is and rightly dismiss it, have a laugh at themselves. The not so clever people end up in a right old mess.

Be clever!

Viviennemary · 26/08/2014 20:55

I think it would be a completely mad idea to tell your DH. This could ruin your relationship. IMHO. You've done nothing wrong. YET. You've been tempted by an attractive man but love your husband. So let that be the end of it.

strawberryangel · 26/08/2014 20:55

You sound like you have shockingly low self esteem. That needs looking at.

Do you find it difficult to imagine that this 'nice man' at work might just like you as a person and want to be your friend, not as a sex object?

You're obviously a fabulous wife, or you wouldn't have such a lovely husband. Be kind to yourself.

LEMmingaround · 26/08/2014 20:55

Don't tell your dh ffs. He will be devastated. That would be selfish. Just sit on your hands when you are alone with the guy you have a crush on. I have done this. No harm done. But then im pig ugly so nothing would come of anything.

strawberryangel · 26/08/2014 20:56

LEM! I saw a picture of you and that is NOT true.

Castlemilk · 26/08/2014 20:58

Gosh your updates! I'm sorry you're feeling so upset OP and hope the above doesn't add to it - Come on! You clearly ARE an intelligent woman. Stop this. You're not some crazed bad influence. You're a clever woman and a mum, and a person currently maintaining a good, honest relationship.

Dry your eyes, stop thinking about this for a moment. Laugh at something silly. When you come back to this, break it down. You are in the grip of a crush. Pretty strong stuff they can be too. But look, here you are posting. You are being honest, and true, and thinking about your DHs feelings. You'll be fine. It may not feel like it, but it's JUST A CRUSH.

ArsenicyOldFace · 26/08/2014 20:59

Don't tell your dh ffs. He will be devastated.

Devastated that she's got a crush LEM? Have I missed something?

Crushes are pretty normal. If OP treats it as such she is defusing the grenade.

Cabrinha · 26/08/2014 20:59

All this wailing and handwringing.
It is very very simple.
You decide you will not act on it - and you don't.

No crap about temptation and weakness and compartmentalising.
You just don't do it.
You're not an animal.

LEMmingaround · 26/08/2014 21:01

Strawberry thats nice of you to say but ive never put a picture up on here!

strawberryangel · 26/08/2014 21:04

No! I'm sure you did!! For like, an hour, years ago! You were asking advice on something...or something...and someone said we needed to see what you looked like! I'm sure that was you!!

Fairyliz · 26/08/2014 21:05

Blimey op you sound abit over dramatic. I am the very opposite of a shagger, but over the years I have had a few crushes (Im in my mid 50s now). Never did anything about them and eventually they fade away. In the meantime just enjoy it as abit of a fantasy on a dull work day.
Nothing wrong with daydreaming as long as you don't do anything about it.

ArsenicyOldFace · 26/08/2014 21:07

Oh I see. OP you don't have to tell him the whole shebang of your thoughts, just a light-ish 'i've got a ridiculous crush on xxx, hopefully i'll soon be rid of it'. Then the mystery/secrecy/excitement/temptation gets defused.

Itsfab · 26/08/2014 21:08

Seems to me you need to grow up a bit, OP.

FinnsMum19 · 26/08/2014 21:48

Imagine that feeling you'll get after you shag new bloke. The shame, sickening regret and fear. Imagine your husbands face when he finds out you've shagged some bloke at work. Imagine having to divide your things and move out of your home, or imagine facing your friends, family and colleagues when they find out what you did.

Still think it'll be worth it?

OneSkinnyChip · 26/08/2014 22:48

I think crushes are a very normal part of being married but no one warns you about them It's like the great taboo. I agree with not talking to your husband about the actual crush but trying to be close in a more general way. Have you a good friend you can confide in? Sharing on here is helpful but it would be really good if you could sit down with someone who knows you well and pour it all out over a bottle of wine.

Reading that I wish it could be your DH but I would be devastated if DH told me about a crush. It would make me feel insecure. I would much rather he just got over it quietly without any fuss!

cerealqueen · 26/08/2014 23:51

You have a crush, and can be adult enough to deal with it. And hey, maybe this guy is honourable and won't try it on with a married woman. Or maybe you are not totally irresistable? (sp) God advice from Finnsmum19.

cerealqueen · 26/08/2014 23:51

Good, that is.

Canyouforgiveher · 26/08/2014 23:52

My advice is tell your husband you really like this guy. Saying that alone will take all the secrecy and half the glamour out of the crush. Tell him in a jokey way. Or not, but mention it and the guy. If you don't you will be in severe danger of acting on that crush. If you tell him half the magic will go out of the crush.

I am married more than 20 years and if you think you will each hold each other's entire interest 100 percent for ever I think you are in for a bit of a surprise. People spot other people as attractive. People look and think god I'd like that. Even your devoted husband will probably do it. Where fidelity kicks in is you don't act on the crush and you take active steps to make sure you don't.

Mind you, the other guy might have zero interest in you so it could all be moot.

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 00:01

Where fidelity kicks in is you don't act on the crush

This.

If being faithful was easy then it wouldnt be a vow that must be made in order to make a marriage legal. Adultery wouldnt be a reason for divorce either.

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