At what point do you become a shit wife?

[thinkineed2admit]

Love my husband to bits, proper soulmates. Have been married 5yrs and never ever ever thought about another man 'that way'. Nothing's changed, I still love him to bits.

Trouble is I'm a bit of a shagger....I just love sex, novelty, conquest, the thrill of the chase etc etc and everyone says women can't 'compartmentalise' like men and shag without a relationship in the end, but I'm not like that - I can, and have (PRE husband obvs). My husband is the opposite and needs a connection in order to shag. In the past I've behaved myself and felt smug about it but it seems thats over because I've met someone with a strong enough attraction tot hat it's actually broken through the wall. I feel a little alone right now because I'm feeling this temptation I'm currently experiencing but can't breathe a word to my husband about the struggle I'm having. It's NOT a reflection on him, or a lessening of our love...it's just me...leaopards, spots etc.

As a result of finally getting my dream job I met a nice man. Initially I thought he was just so nice to everyone, which he is, but I'm now pretty convinced we actually fancy each other :( We have friended on facebook ages ago, but we never contact each other via, and I don't have his phone number and never intend to get it. I have acted 'normally' around him, we have not done anything or discussed anything. But I do have to see him for work and i just CAN'T chuck away all the work I've put in and do an about turn on my dream career!!! And it's so niche, I cant transfer or anything like that.

But I'm having the temptation and feel shit about it. I've heard about 'EA's' and just wondering where the line is? texting? facebooking? hugging? or just having a good time together and knowing you'd like to shag each other? :S

Please be supportive and not shouty, I honestly haven't done anything so far!

Tell your husband. It is absolutely imperative.

It is human and normal to fancy someone. I've been in your situation, I told my DP and it meant I was completely able to rain check the situation and stay away from the man in question and thus the crush disappeared. Yes it may hurt his ego but it will hurt 100X more if you bottle these feelings and end up acting on them.

People fancy other people outside the marriage, I 100% believe that telling your partner helps the situation not to escalate.

If I hadn't told my partner I'd probably still be crushing on the MIQ, my DP made me see sense.

OP the grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshit.

To further add, telling my DP meant that I wasn't able to "excuse" going for coffee with the MIQ, or cosy meals out or flirty texts. The situation therefore wasn't allowed to develop, I lost interest and realised he's actually not all that. If I'd kept it hidden from my DP the "thrill" May well have got to me.

My best advice to you is to build yourself a mental picture of this new man, sitting on the loo with skidmarked pants round his ankles, greasy hair and a spot or two, picking his nose with one hand and tugging on his limp dick with the other. Every time you start thinking lustful thoughts, bring up that mental picture and add more off-putting details to it. That's the advice I give to anyone who is lusting after someone who has dumped them or is not interested as well as someone who is not available to them for other reasons.

Once that's starting to work, it might be worth considering a couple of sessions of counselling, if you can afford it and find a good one near you. You sound so upset that it's probably a good idea to take another look at what's making you so miserable and/or learn some coping strategies. Monogamy is not natural, and it's unfortunate that so many people insist on it as the norm and that those who reject it or find it difficult are 'bad'. It may be that your current H is not your lifetime partner; it may be that you would be happier single, or with someone else - but it's better to explore your feellings with someone outside your circle of family and friends before doing anything drastic.

Dolly, that was very sensible and very astute of you to do that. Good for you.

What would you think if you saw your post and it was your DH asking the question???

Those saying "Tell your DH", have you considered whether the DH can handle it?

He may be of the mindset of "crushes happen, they go, so what?" or he may be utterly crushed by the thought that the OP has had her head turned by another man.

Its not fair to tell him! The OP has said that she has always seen her attractiveness in terms of sex, being wanted, etc. Why should she use her DH as her defence against her own issues?

She needs to think about why she gets her self esteem from being desired, chased etc instead of from the fact that her husband loves her enough to pldege his whole life to her. Telling him would be cruel and would not stop the OP feeling as she does.

I firmly believe that secrets destroy a marriage. Yes the DH may be very hurt but I truly think that they need to work through this together as a partnership.

YY to SGB. A year down the line when I see the MIQ picking his nose in the lunch queue the only thing I think is "thank god I didn't ruin my great relationship for a quick shag with him"

Bogey it just sounds like an OP and relationship under immense pressure from too many secrets and too much duality.

If she can't tell him, I'd be worried about why not. If he's over 18 and would be 'utterly crushed' by a crush then there is a problem anyway.

I don't think these pedestal/playacting relationships last unless they mature into something more realistic TBH.

I'm fully aware there are probably times where my DP thinks "cor she's quite attractive, I fancy a bit of her", but then I hope he also thinks "but you know, I have a great relationship and a life with dolly" and walks away. I know that's what I think.

OP if you've read these relationship boards you will know there's an awful lot of shits out there, if you have a good man who you love, please do not do something irrevocable on impulse. I promise the crush will pass.

Can you honestly say that if your OH came home and said "I have a crush on X, cant stop thinking about her but I wont do anything about it, I know it will pass" that it wouldnt hurt to your very core?!

It would upset me, but the second thought my head would be 'why is he telling me this?' and the answer to that has to be positive, no?

second thought through my head...

if he put it like that, yes.

if he hid it from me, beat himself up to the point that OP is doing and thought he was a doomed fuckface of a man anyway so I might as well shag her and be done with it, I would be a hell of lot more hurt though

I'm fully aware there are probably times where my DP thinks "cor she's quite attractive, I fancy a bit of her", but then I hope he also thinks "but you know, I have a great relationship and a life with dolly" and walks away. I know that's what I think.

And this^^

I think in a realistic atmosphere (for example where you would laugh rather than explode if you caught your DP checking someone out) these clandestine feelings don't build so easily.

What Arsenicy said. I'd far prefer my DP told me then let those thoughts take over in secret. Telling your partner takes the mystery and "power" of the situation away.

But she isnt at the "Oh well, might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb" stage is she?

She is aware of her weaknesses and is worried that due to her self esteem issues and past behaviour that she may end up at that stage. THe fact that she even mentioned her worries shows that she doesnt want to go down that road, she wants reassurance that being "a shagger" in a past life doesnt mean she will be a cheater in her current life. I think that that shows amazing self awareness, the sort of self awareness that prevents affairs.

What she is asking is does her thinking about shagging another man make her a bad person. No it doesnt. I would wager that there isnt a single person on this thread that hasnt had those thoughts or fantasies, including about famous people because those thoughts count too.

I am questioning the wisdom of her telling her OH. This is a crush that will pass and if the OP is aware of that and will weather the storm then all is well. HOwever, if she tells her OH how she feels then who knows how he will react? It could create trust issues in their marriage that really dont need to be there.

I don't know about stages. She sounds as though she feels out of control.

I think telling her DH (calmly)

a) restores some control (external)

b) brings some reality to the relationship

BF, I think she sounded rather "on the edge" to me. It's just one option of course, but I don't see how it could be worse to look for some support from her husband.

However OP knows her own relationship, her own husband and (fortunately or unfortunately) herself best of all so I am sure she will weigh up her different options accordingly.

Maybe I just can't fully think myself into the idea that having a crush should be a verboten subject. It doesn't sound healthy.

I'm not out of control, honestly, I think if I was I'd already be texting etc etc as I have known this man 2yrs. And if I felt I was I really would tell DH. I appreciate all the advice, it's good to know that a crush is actually normal, as was said upthread it's kind of a taboo subject - this is my first marriage, I don't know how to do it, I wasnt even expecting to get married at all!

I think DH knows I am a flirty person, and is fine with that, and knows I might find other people attractive and is fine with that too. But if I attached so much importance to someone that I felt I had to 'fess up to him...he would be devastated, quietly. He's a very cool, calm and collected person but that wouldn't mean he wouldn't be stabbed through the heart by it.

I think if the boot was on the other foot I would be a bit more like people described: 'crushes happen, thanks for telling me that took balls, what can we do to get round this?' But it's not really relevant.

And for those mentioning how the 'MIQ' probably just wants to be a friend etc. - probably so, but HIS feelings aren't what's disturbing for me! I don't give a stuff who does or doesn't want me, it's what I start doing/thinking/feeling in response that's the problem!

well. business trip together at the weekend (with others though!) and DH was supposed to be coming too so we could have a little bit of a holiday around it, but he had to cancel due to work commitments last night. I feel fine though because this thread has given me confidence - I'm not shit if I think about it, I'll get over that, but shit if I do anything about it (including texting etc of course), so I feel normal and prepared now! Thanks ladies!

oh, and the men here too!