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Original poster

Upsetting behaviour

147 replies

Alteredlabel · 26/08/2014 11:43

Been with bf 2.5 yrs, have a baby together. Went to the Edinburgh fringe for the weekend just the two of us. We have both been to the city once before separately, so not very familiar with the city. We were having fun, drinking and catching shows etc. I wanted some food from one of the food stands, we were waiting but other people were getting served before us (there was a poorly communicated queuing system that the staff were sticking to but customers were unaware of) my bf got pissed off (he hates queuing and has a short fuse in such situations) and walked off. I knew that he had had enough and would not want to return to this queue. I was really hungry and really wanted the food so stayed where I was, in the queue.

I heard him shout me a few times but I knew he would be wanting to go elsewhere and I wanted this food that I had already been waiting for, so I didn't turn around. After I got the food and moved away from the stall, my bf was nowhere to be seen.

I sat and ate the food, no sign of bf. I waited there for 45 mins. He didn't have his phone with him (he had my mobile number written down in his pocket) and my phone was very low on battery power. He didn't contact me, or come back.

It began raining. He had my waterproof with him when he disappeared. Eventually my phone died and I decided to go back to the hotel to recharge it and get my umbrella.

I felt really upset that he had basically abandoned me in an unfamiliar city and not returned or contacted me.

A couple of minutes after I got back to the hotel, he got back. He claimed that he hadn't gone off in a strop/anger, he had just gone to get some cash. I pointed out that if that was the case he could have told me, returned to the same spot or tried to call me. Eventually he apologised and we headed out again.

Later on when we got back to the hotel, we had sex, he was quite rough and seemed a bit angry. He didn't climax and said "you will have to suck me off" which I was a bit taken aback by. I didn't want to go down on him until he had had a wash but he kept asking me to. Eventually he had a wash and I gave him a blow job. He kept trying to feel my bottom and vagina, I asked him not to because I didn't want him to. He kept ignoring me and putting his hands down there which irritated and upset me.

When I started giving him the blow job he asked me to take it deep. I said it would make me gag, to which he replied "you will have to gag then". I ignored this and laughed it off as I was a bit drunk. He put his hand on the back of my head and was quite forceful, it made me gag a few times and I pulled my head away. He said "come on!" And when I gagged again he called me "pathetic" I am really upset and angry with him and feel like he treated me really badly. He has apologised because he knows he's upset me but the next day I was too upset to talk about it in detail and I'm not sure he remembers.

I don't know what to do now. This was very out of character for him. He has been very respectful in the past. I have post natal depression and can't think straight. I don't know if this was just a horrible one off incident that we could somehow get past or if it shows that underneath his loveliness he is really a nasty person?

OP posts:
Lweji · 28/08/2014 20:00

Also, you don't have to see him for him to see the baby.

And most certainly not allow him in your home.

If he wants to see the baby he should arrange for a contact centre or for someone else to hand over the baby to him (or be there during contact) - if he's to be bothered.

PuppyMouse · 28/08/2014 20:59

I could have written your post 15 years ago OP. I took it because I thought nobody else would want me and it was better than being alone. I have mentioned on another thread some of the sexual abuse and my acceptance of it. It's hard to get over it the longer it goes on.

I am so in awe of your strength and determination to show him how unacceptable this is and to ask him to leave. Stand firm, nobody should have to put up with someone like that. Flowers

bellasuewow · 28/08/2014 22:28

How is it going lovely brave woman, how are you feeling, has dickhead gone yet?

wendle70 · 28/08/2014 22:50

Just wanted to check how you are OP. Let us know. I can really imagine how you are feeling and that you just want this not to have happened so you dont have to deal with it. All i wanted to say was 1. I personally think he just sounds like someone who is not a decent guy and dont you want to spend your life with a decent one? (You will find someone again i'd bet money on it). 2. Contrary and probably i will get shot down for this but i dont see him as a dangerous rapist. I think there is behaviour there that is very concerning though. 3. All in all, i think you are well rid of him but can see why that's hugely scary especially with a child together. I'd be tempted to take some time out..6 months or a year (easier said than done with kids involved) and maybe that will give you perspective. Sadly i think perhaps the only thing that will really convince you is when u do meet a decent one and then you'll think why the hell did i put up with that?! If you think of it as time out that might seem less scary? I'm going to read your first post again but my reaction was ' bit of a nutjob well rid' x

wendle70 · 28/08/2014 22:58

Ok i re read it. Tbh i think you both acted a bit weird about the food stall (prob a few drinks down). I can also see perhaps some of the behaviour is jokey albeit poor taste. The one bit i find v abhorrent is that he calls you pathetic after you dont give him what he wanted. Ungentlemanly at best. At worst... Cant find a word for it but pretty unforgiveable and i do think it speaks to his character. As other posters have said, my OH would never dream of this behaviour. Take time out to digest and talk to people who know you both and preferably a counsellor. X

StevesBollockAnalogy · 28/08/2014 23:13

Not an expert in these things but I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus saying how brave and resilient you are. I cannot imagine how hard this must be and you are handling it with such determination. There are no words for how well you are doing, you deserve so much better than this arsehole. He is trying to manipulate you, we can see right through his actions and I hope will make it as easy as possible for you to get rid of him.
Flowers

Original poster
Alteredlabel · 29/08/2014 05:26

I'm not brave or resilient. I miss him and part of me wants him to apologise properly and prove he loves me and that it was all a misunderstanding so we can carry on as normal. Sad

OP posts:
Vivacia · 29/08/2014 06:48

I know what you mean Altered but please hold strong. I think his behaviour is very, very worrying.

The reasons I disagree with wendle, as she predicted(!)

  • leaving you confused and without your phone in a strange city. Ok, he was angry with you for not doing as you were told (ahem), but he could have explained he needed some time alone.
  • rough sex after a falling out in order to punish you.
  • telling you would "have to" to give him a blow job.
  • humiliating you by refusing to wash first, holding your head down, making you gag and berating you when you protest and tell him he's hurting you.
  • touching you sexually when you have told him not to.

I'm sorry, but this is sexual assault. Does any of this sound like a healthy sexual relationship?

  • going in to your house when you specifically asked him not to.

All of the time he is pushing your boundaries and moving them so that you lose sight of what is ok and what isn't.

I am worried for you, and was relieved to read your post this morning, even if I couldn't reply straight away.

CiderwithBuda · 29/08/2014 10:02

Of course you miss him. That's understandable. And you might not feel brave but standing up for yourself is brave. And the resilience will come.

Realising that you have enough self respect to say to him that what he did was wrong is brave. You should be very proud of yourself for that.

It's not easy to split with someone you love especially when you have children together. But staying would be harder. Because if you stayed with him you give him the message that you are ok with what he did. And if he thinks you are ok with it will become more regular. And then that won't be enough for him. He will escalate. Sex will become more degrading for you. It won't be sex as part of a loving relationship. It will be sex as part of controlling you.

Someone up the thread said you might start to see other behaviours through the relationship as similar to what happened. Have you?

hellsbellsmelons · 29/08/2014 10:53

ouryve wrote this on page 3

That wasn't "pushing boundaries", it was demolishing the entire wall and ripping out the foundations. He sexually assaults you and then minimises the whole thing, the next day. That's some seriously warped thinking

Please remeber this when you have a wobble.
In fact, read the whole thread again and again.
None of what he did is OK.
So what if he apologises? Will it ever be the same again for you?
Of course it won't.

Lweji · 29/08/2014 12:40

I miss him and part of me wants him to apologise properly and prove he loves me and that it was all a misunderstanding so we can carry on as normal.

You are missing the image he presented before - that's normal.
You want him to apologise - because that's what good people do, but he is not a good person.

I understand you love the person you thought he was, but, crucially, he does not love you. He has shown he has no love, respect or consideration for you when he behaved that way. That was him pushing boundaries, yes, and you kept yours firmly in place. Good for you. Because he'd keep pushing those boundaries until even more serious sexual assaults and who knows what.

Original poster
Alteredlabel · 29/08/2014 22:20

Thank you lovely mumsnet people.

Without this site I would be minimising and accepting everything.

I have changed the locks.

I am scared that he might turn up tomorrow when he knows I will be here with all three DC. He knows I won't want to cause a scene in front of them. What do I do?

He will have very clever "reasons" for needing to come in.

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/08/2014 22:22

Remember that you won't be causing a scene. He will.

You only need to call the police.
His DC is a baby and he won't be traumatised.

If he rings or texts saying he will go to you, tell him to stay out if he doesn't want to be reported for sexual assault (or simply for harassment).

Original poster
Alteredlabel · 29/08/2014 22:30

My two other DC will be here though.

OP posts:
wendle70 · 29/08/2014 22:44

Hmmn i'd suggest you say something calm like you really need some time apart, you understand he will want to see his kids and will sort out an arrangement re that asap (could a family member help be the middle man there?) but you will not be letting him in. And if he doesnt respect your request then you will be forced to take further action. I'd try and frame it as reasonably as possible (and be as amicable and reasonable as you can for the kids sake)

Lweji · 29/08/2014 22:46

The problem is that if you do let him in, what they witness may be a lot worse than whatever scene outside.

Original poster
Alteredlabel · 29/08/2014 22:50

True, it's best he doesn't come in. There is a member of his family I could use for contact.

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/08/2014 22:53

That sounds good. :)
Because you really don't need to see him.

bellasuewow · 29/08/2014 23:07

Well done altered the brave for changing the locks. What wendle said, it sounds like you know him really well altered, perhaps try to forward plan for these little excuses and even practice the responses to give you more confidence and to get prepared. Wishing you strength and thinking of you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/08/2014 23:21

I'm glad you've acted promptly and are planning to keep him away. It's clear he isn't taking any of this seriously so you are going to need to stay strong and be decisive. I may have missed it but have you confided in anyone IRL?

HanselandGretel · 29/08/2014 23:57

OP, this is horrendous for you. As regards what to do when he turns up tomorrow, I would inform the police in the morning using the non emergency number and forewarn them that you fear your OH may be about to cause a scene and seek their advice, this is not overreacting and they will take it very seriously. If he thinks he can smoke you out by making a scene then you need to be prepared, also it gives you instant backup should the worst happen, it will all be on record.

Original poster
Alteredlabel · 30/08/2014 06:43

I have confided in people IRL and I have show two people this thread.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 30/08/2014 07:13

Hope today goes well Altered and you have a lovely time with your children.

I am pleased you've confided in people and that you have someone who can be around today if needs be.

rainbowsmiles · 30/08/2014 09:38

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Awks · 30/08/2014 09:48

Ignore all that shite above ^. It's nonsense.