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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ex just hit me

109 replies

4littleducks · 25/08/2014 21:49

I don't really know what to do.

Ex is the father to my two eldest DDs (19 and 16) We got together when. I was 14 had DD1 at 15 and married at 16. Ex would do nothing with the DCs and became emotionally towards the end. I left him 15 years ago.He refused any contact and maintenance payments were all over the place. He got back in touch when my DDs were young teens I have remarried and I have two other DCs. The eldest two call my DH dad. The DDs arrange to meet ex through Facebook and they refer to him as father. They see him about 4 times a year.

So the DDs had been out with him today. They said they would be back by 6 at 6 DD1 text me to say they were held up and they were going for food. I said fine DH went to work and I put the other DCs to bed.

Ex and the DDs turned up at 8:30 and DD1 looked nervous and DD2 had been crying. Ex was watching us from the top of the garden path. I asked DD2 what was wrong and the DDs told me that ex had asked about DH and DD1 had said that "dad would be in work" ex had shouted at her saying he was their only dad and DD1 had looked upset so DD2 said it wasn't their fault that DH was the only dad they knew for years. Ex had shouted at her saying she was a stupid girl and just for that he wouldn't pay for her to go through college. (Even though he isn't) I told her not to worry as me and DH were paying for college.

Ex started to walk towards us shouting saying that it didn't happen like that and it was my fault for letting the DDs call another man dad. I sent the DDs inside and told him to calm down as he was scaring the DCs. He kept saying that he fucking wasn't. Then my neighbour came out and asked if we were okay. Ex told him to fuck off and neighbour said he would call the police if ex carried on.

Ex punched me in the face and my head hit the corner of the door. Neighbour shouted and ran over to help and ex pushed him away and ran. Neighbour brought me inside and said he would call the police if I wanted I said no,And he left but said he would keep an eye out and when I was ready to go to A&E with DH he would come and watch the DCs. I calmed the DDs enough so that they have fallen asleep.

Now I am just waiting for DH to come home he won't be back for another 20 minutes at best and I am suddenly really worried about being alone and my head hurts and my DDs are scared and it feels like such a mess and I am hoping that typing all this will help calm me down.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2014 12:35

That's got to be ABH (or worse) then.... I sincerely hope they put the nasty little shit in a prison cell with a particularly big bloke who takes a fancy to him...

Inertia · 26/08/2014 12:35

None of you are to blame- you were assaulted by a violent thug.

Relieved to hear that you've had the medical help you need- it sounds like a brutal attack, no wonder you are in shock. And it must be a relief to hear that the police have him in custody.

Your neighbour sounds lovely by the way.

Vivacia · 26/08/2014 13:03

Isn't it strange (with us not knowing each other), but I feel so, so proud of you.

BlackeyedSusan · 26/08/2014 13:15

the shock of being punched will take a while to get over, different to another head injury. give yourself time to recover from that as well.

thankfully he is already your ex.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 26/08/2014 13:23

What an arsehole. You poor thing. Glad the Police have him.

Castlemilk · 26/08/2014 13:34

Jesus Christ.

Please try your best to encourage your DDs to stay the fuck away from him.

They are lucky to have a 'real dad' in your DH.

I appreciate that they are young to make big decisions - but actually look at that the other way around - are they big enough to make the decision to keep opening their lives to a violent man who, let's face it, does not have the slightest possibilty of caring for them with anything approaching the unconditional love a parent gives? They aren't safe with him because he's not their dad and doesn't really feel like one - his actions towards them before the punch say that. He will almost certainly be abusive towards them too, and I would seriously want to protect them now from any further exposure to him.

They've just witnessed a man violently attacking and injuring their mother. You could have been killed, incidentally - a punch to the head, and hitting something going backwards? People have died from similar attacks.

Do you honestly think it would be a good thing for two young women to be encouraged to look at a man's violence and rationalise it away, and to respond to it by continuing to spend time with him, probably now making sure they 'walk on eggshells' to make sure that both they and their mum now don't run the risk of further violence? Really? I certainly don't, and I'd make sure I voiced to them as clearly as I could that violence is unacceptable within and outside of ANY relationship, and that the best way to deal with a violent person is to value yourself enough to walk right away, straight away.

todayisnottheday · 26/08/2014 13:45

Goodness what a night. So glad you got yourself sorted for your injuries and that the police were straight on to it. I do hope they ensure your ex is left in no doubt about his actions. Have they spoken to you about restraining or non molestation orders? I don't know the process but it may be worth having the conversation so you can make a decision when you're ready?

Vivacia · 26/08/2014 13:45

That sounds a bit hostile towards the OP Castlemilk

todayisnottheday · 26/08/2014 13:48

Castlemilk the op hasn't said anything about encouraging them to see him has she? You're coming over strongly considering the situation.

kentishgirl · 26/08/2014 14:03

Hi Op

Well done on how you've dealt with this situation, I can't imagine how you must all be feeling. Your poor DDs.

Follow the advice from the police, and best wishes to you all.

lunar1 · 26/08/2014 14:06

Glad you are doing ok ducks, you have done the right thing contacting the police.

HavanaSlife · 26/08/2014 15:36

Castle they are 19 and 16, it's not the ops choice if they see him, it's theirs. Chances are they won't want to now

HavanaSlife · 26/08/2014 15:38

Also phoning the police is the op showing them in no uncertain terms that his behaviour was unacceptable

yoyo27 · 26/08/2014 16:05

Wow. Well done. Very proud of you!! X

HumblePieMonster · 26/08/2014 16:17

well done. it had to be done, no matter how hard, and you did it.

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/08/2014 16:22

Well done, and glad your DH is with you today.

thewomaninwhite · 26/08/2014 16:23

I have only just read this but you have done the right thing with the police. I hope that your ex is prosecuted and that things become calmer for you all. It must have been such a shock for you all.

Castlemilk · 26/08/2014 17:27

Yes it does come across harshly reading it back. It wasn't meant to, apologies OP. My last para was speaking in the abstract, but it comes across as straight 'to you' - it wasn't meant to be.

The last post I'd read before mine was Latte's one commenting 'If the girls don't want to see him, he only has himself to blame. However, I wouldn't put any pressure on them to drop contact, I'd leave it totally up to them.'

I disagree totally with that and was in a sense replying by trying to point out that at their ages - adult, but young, especially the younger - it might be a misguided approach to make it clear that it's entirely up to them, ie we're not going to get involved. Not only might they conclude that they're too scared to stick their heads out and say 'no contact' without clear support, but they might also get the idea that what's happened isn't that bad - 'Well Mum said she would understand if we wanted to keep seeing him'. If it were me, I'd think it best all round to make it crystal clear that while it was their decision, I hoped very much that they would stay away from him as that's whiat I believed would be safer for them both.

I agree that there's NO suggestion that OP hasn't done exactly that, and I'm sorry again OP if I came across as aggressive! I certainly feel aggressive and extremely angered - but most definitely not at you!

I hope you're recovering ok and that your girls are all right.

myroomisatip · 26/08/2014 19:01

Cogito.... always you give such sound advice and I respect you immensely and am amazed at the amount of time and effort to give to help people out and I know this is a dreadful situation but your post :

That's got to be ABH (or worse) then.... I sincerely hope they put the nasty little shit in a prison cell with a particularly big bloke who takes a fancy to him...

just made me choke on my wine! Well said! Grin

myroomisatip · 26/08/2014 19:04

OP I hope you are okay. Thank goodness you were brave enough to involve the police.

I agree with pps in hoping that your DDs will have nothing more to do with him.

Take care Flowers

Original poster
4littleducks · 26/08/2014 20:13

Thank you so much for your advice and support it is so helpful and I can't convey how much it means to me.

We saw the police today and we are pressing charges.
The DDs are still upset but we had a long talk about why it was not okay and what might happen legally. They say they never what to talk to him again.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 26/08/2014 20:20

You say your DH feels bad that he wasnt there, but ex only kicked off because he knew that your H wouldnt be there. Typical coward.

In a weird way, maybe its good that he has done this now. He was clearly going to attack you or one of the girls at some point, so at least now you have clear grounds for a non molestation order for both you and them.

I know that sounds wrong, but I know what I mean! I mean that now you and they have a legitimate reason for cutting him off rather than "he upsets the girls" which, although true and damaging for them, sounds a bit wishy washy when you come to tell people.

Jux · 26/08/2014 22:16

Exactly what Bogeyface said. Your ex knew dh wasn't there, so he knew he was 'safe' to hit you. If dh had been there, ex would have made himself scarce.

And again, as Bogeyface says, it does sound like this was something he would have done another time if he hadn't done it this time. Non-mol is the way to go.

I hope your nose and head don't hurt too much; and that your dds are OK. Your dh sounds great, btw.

MrsJoeDolan · 26/08/2014 23:15

he broke your nose? God. I'm really really glad you called the police.

recoverycoach · 26/08/2014 23:32

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