he just revealed that he had a mistress and five years old daughter

[MaMaof04]

the affair started when we were moving countries and he lodges at her house- romance started- he said that he believed it would be for just a week but he kept coming back and forth and lodging at her house and helped her- and she kept wanting him to come and help her with her problems- until the day she asked him to help her
have a baby as she was close to her fourties- he said that pregnancy came straight away- he is a good dad to his love child- all the time he was having fun
i was struglling with my 4 kids- to adjust the eldest to new education systems and to help the two little ones who had many problems including adhd and speech problems because they were born premature- they were toddlers during his affair. he told me about it all only two weeks ago- i feel a bit stupid disgusted and like if i am with a stranger- my eldest daughters and I always cherished him because what we thought was his integrity and inability to lie- we forgave him his awful inflexibility-
All my kids are doing OK (in fact very good) at school and emotionally- my daughters are not affected by the affair- I was honest with them- the little ones do not know- i checked what they could accept and no it would be too hard for them to have a perfect brand new sister-
I look very good and very attractive for my age- but hey I am approaching my mid fiftiesand I still have a lot to do to keep my 4 kids mentally and emotionally healthy.
my little ones want us to stay together- i said we will but separated but they are not that happy-
Mister say that he loves me he never wanted to split he told her it would be short but it was a process and when she told him she wants achild because she approaches her 40 he said ok let have full intercourse during ovulation so convinced that this will just please her and not make her pregnant given the numerous ivfs treatments i did to have my little ones- he even says that she is not that attractive to him- now he wants to continue to be a good dad to his other child and he wants that we continue to be together- the little ones want us to stay together- the eldest ones give us to sort out our problems- please just say something- now I am discovering little things- such as trips with the daughter and the other woman etc etc what to do???? just throw your opinions- i will welcome any-

Could you ever trust him? I don't think I could and what is a relationship if there is no trust. I would hate him for what he has done, I couldn't even look at him. Don't stay together just because of the kids, you deserve better and your kids will get used to him not being there.

No one can tell you what to do but please make the choice on what you want rather than what the children want.

thank you- keep commenting- it helps-

Do what you feel in your heart - it shouldn't be for anyone else to tell you what to do. He's come clean and admitted the lie he's been living for the past 6 years or so - why has he told you now? He must have realised that you may choose to end it. Could you trust this man? I think there's a difference in scenarios between an affair that's discovered accidentally and one where the guilty party owns up voluntarily.
This is about your choices, your mental state, your hopes for the future, your children's lives. It's not easy suddenly being single in your mid fifties - you need to decide what you want from this. Good luck op

he really thought this could be ok?
really?

agree with marne

Hugs to you. You need a break. Time to reflect

So it was an act of philanthropy? Really?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Sorry, I hope you find a way to get some distance / perspective that will help you work out what you want to do. That and the strength to do it.xx

How old are your children and why are you involving them in all this?

So was he having an affair or just sleeping with her once to help her have a baby? I think surely this is an affair and he slept with her more than once?

I think he may be making up stories about 'helping her' to make it seem less selfish of him to have sex with another woman.

I don't think you will be able to stay together now as surely, you have no respect for him.

Is he the father of your DCs?

There was a family local to me and after he suddenly died it was discovered that he had two families and two lots of DCs. It was a massive shock for his DW and the older DCs.

Obviously he's made a terrible mistake and you are terribly hurt and it would take a lot of effort (and therapy?) to learn to forgive him. I assume he's very sorry, you have an otherwise good friendship and he's not planning on seeing the other woman and willing to work to reassure you then I'd try to work through it to invest the time in repairing the family youve worked so hard for. You'd still need to go through a healing process if you leave him and you learn to move on to someone else. If he's gone through ivf he probably understands the overwhelming desire to have a child better than most . " the best we can hope for is to end up with the right regrets" so maybe give counselling a shot. Might not be your style but have you seen sex and the city _ I'm thinking of the Miranda and Steve storyline where they have sessions and then they both have to go to a certain point at a certain time if they want to start afresh.

i will answer to your questions about trust- just some info now:
1- my daughters are in their early twenties and fully support me and call him dad r*d who stupiditly wrecked his life- he had everything they say- especially a wonderful woman at his side and great successful kids and ...
however they tell me if i want to keep him they will also support me-
2- the boys do need him- they are now around ten - they love him-
even if they are used not to have him around a lot- i did not tell them the story but i told them that we will be in the same house but not as a couple just as parents- but my little jack is very sensitive and want me to be nice to his dad-separating from him and having him around is physically and mentally painful- i hope time is agood healer- i hope he will eventually understand that it our intimacy is just a souvenir painful to me)
3- he revealed his parallel life when we were on vacation in France- so I just left him with the boys to continue their holidays and returned home- my eldest daughter had to join us instead she took the flight just to come and see that I am Ok before going off to her friends- she needs to talk about the situation as well- my other daughter is with me and has already told everything to her good friend- it is ok by me- - i do not want to emotionally abuse my daughters. i encourage them to speak it with their friends but to be careful about it not reaching the boys and not spreading to the village- i tell them i am ok and not to worry about me because in this story i held my head up- and i will be ok if they will be ok and not see all men in a negative light. anyway the story has many aspects to it- yeah most are painfully to me but hey...
4- i have other broad family problems and have to be careful how it will influence them-to whom in the family to tell and what to tell-
5- i want him to write a will with a predetermined amount to the other child- so that if i increase our helth through clever managing i will not work for his other family-

yes I have to be carefully not to forget that a family cell is also an economy entrepise and with some strength I can help a lot my kids especially my little ones who are very vulnerable- my daughters are already doing ok and will be ok- they tell me that I can throw him if I want they will help with the boys- moneywise and mentally-.
6- i already et up my profile in a dating site- my gosh i am disgusted: so many married dad are out there looking for romance with married women-
my alien and r**d husband just found her ready to love him whilst he looked for a lodgement-
7- about trust: I still trust him on few things- even on what he tells me about the affair- but no oh no i do not want him to touch me or come close to me- i am quite disgusted by it all as at now

thank you for reading me

Please consider what you will be teaching your boys if you let him stay ( that is ok to cheat on a woman?), yes they will find it hard to begin with but they can still have regular contact, he can still be a good dad to them without being with you.

You can't stay with a man because he wants to or because your children want to.
What do you want? Do you think you can be happy with this man again?

You can take your time to resolve this. Don't let anyone pressure you into forgiving him or in splitting up.
He needs to give you the time and the respect to walk away if you decide to split.
He also should need to come clean 100% and you shouldn't be discovering things along the line.

For me, though, everything he has said is bullshit and I don't think I'd ever trust him.

oh yes he did sleep with her over a long period of time when he was far from home for his job- and yes he continued to sleep after she gave birth-

And please don't use the word 'r**d' to describe a cheating pig., it won't go down well on here.

If you operate on the premise that everything that comes out of his mouth is a filthy downright and calculated lie. All of it, then you won't go far wrong.

I can only tell you what I think I would do under such circumstances, and I have no direct experience of anything similar, and that is to leave him/throw him out and apply for a divorce.

Years and years of outright dishonesty and subterfuge doesn't deserve to be rewarded by life going on just the same as it always has.

hat is exactly what i think- hat do i teach my boys this is why i do not want them to know anything about the other child- and this is why i am making it clear to them that we are just parent their parents for ever not a man and a woman- we will have diferent rooms- w will not always go on same holidays etc etc kids must not take sides or pay for the foolishness of their r**d dad

Why has he told you now?
How long were they having sex for, or are they still having sex? (probably)

Please don't hide this from your boys. They will find out later and won't thank you for it.

Mamaoaf, you are obviously very upset and understandably so, but do you know what r***d means?

I think you need to give yourself some space to process this; you've had an awful shock. Don't make any decisions now.

I'm sure you're all over the place, I think you may have named one of your children in a previous post.

I couldn't move on from this myself, he's lied and lied and lied.

The children can still have a father, just not living with their mother.

yes marne2 i agree- my little ones were almost described as such-'r*ds' it did upset me- - i did not love them less- on the contrary- i love how special they are the little ones described as such- so sorry- it is just that i thought that calling a dad rd is not the same as calling a child rd- and i must say that i suspect that the Mr has some kind of autism and does not understand how much he can easily hurt and how the way he views life differently from the way the majority view it- it might surprise many to learn that he iss always gentle and grateful to his exes who adore him and confide into him and he always respected women- really at that time many women in their 40s around us struggled to have babies or were sorry to leave it too late- so yes it sounds silly to say he felt philantropic about it but he might have as well- he also like taking risks based on stats and probability so he went for it...and now he feels that he is responsible for that child. i know he felt responsible for his niece and provided her with the best start in life because his sister started mentally dwindling. about sex he tries to explain to me that for men it does not mean much especially when they are testosterone fuelled because of stress big jobs well done etc...and as i told you i just subscribed to a dating site and so many married are after me looking for some fun- it is just a disgrace-

I suspect he's only told you now because the Other Woman has threatened to do it herself, so he's gone for the pre-emptive strike. Choosing to end your relationship with him could be taken out of your hands as he may have taken the decision to leave you already or why would he have told you about all this now, so very long after the fact?

What you can be absolutely certain of is that there is a pretty good reason on his part for this disclosure and it's definitely not shame at his pure dishonesty and vile betrayal all this time.