he just revealed that he had a mistress and five years old daughter

[MaMaof04]

the affair started when we were moving countries and he lodges at her house- romance started- he said that he believed it would be for just a week but he kept coming back and forth and lodging at her house and helped her- and she kept wanting him to come and help her with her problems- until the day she asked him to help her
have a baby as she was close to her fourties- he said that pregnancy came straight away- he is a good dad to his love child- all the time he was having fun
i was struglling with my 4 kids- to adjust the eldest to new education systems and to help the two little ones who had many problems including adhd and speech problems because they were born premature- they were toddlers during his affair. he told me about it all only two weeks ago- i feel a bit stupid disgusted and like if i am with a stranger- my eldest daughters and I always cherished him because what we thought was his integrity and inability to lie- we forgave him his awful inflexibility-
All my kids are doing OK (in fact very good) at school and emotionally- my daughters are not affected by the affair- I was honest with them- the little ones do not know- i checked what they could accept and no it would be too hard for them to have a perfect brand new sister-
I look very good and very attractive for my age- but hey I am approaching my mid fiftiesand I still have a lot to do to keep my 4 kids mentally and emotionally healthy.
my little ones want us to stay together- i said we will but separated but they are not that happy-
Mister say that he loves me he never wanted to split he told her it would be short but it was a process and when she told him she wants achild because she approaches her 40 he said ok let have full intercourse during ovulation so convinced that this will just please her and not make her pregnant given the numerous ivfs treatments i did to have my little ones- he even says that she is not that attractive to him- now he wants to continue to be a good dad to his other child and he wants that we continue to be together- the little ones want us to stay together- the eldest ones give us to sort out our problems- please just say something- now I am discovering little things- such as trips with the daughter and the other woman etc etc what to do???? just throw your opinions- i will welcome any-

so rite libertine- a dad and a mum might not have to share the same space- we shlll see-

OP - I am so sorry that you find yourself in this awful situation.

Your partner sounds like absolute scum. Even the way he is portraying himself is as a victim - she begged him to have a child with her? He felt like it was a charitable thing to do?

So it wasn't a case of him wanting to shag around then? (yeah, right). And having a woman with another child was a "charitable good guy" act - as opposed to remaining faithful to his wife, and not bringing a child into this world that is going to grow up in this awful situation?

I could never understand, even for a second, anyone who would decide to continue with that.

And as for your boys - I know this is hard on them, but this is something your PARTNER has done. Does he REALLY expect that he can admit to a long term affair, a love child, and you will smile sweetly, welcome him back into the family home, whilst openly allowing him to continue with his second family? Because that is what he is asking you to do. The sheer nerve of the man is borderline justifiable homicide (I'm joking, obviously).

Your partner is the only one responsible for this. If he loved his children so much then he would have NEVER put them in this position.

And you two staying in the same house together - even if you try and explain to them that mummy and daddy aren't together anymore, they aren't going to understand that. How can they? They will grow up thinking that is what marriage is. A loveless, cold relationship between two people. That's an awful image to give to children.

And it does put forward the message that men can treat women like absolute scum, and the woman will - to a large degree - tolerate it.

I am not trying to say this is all your responsibility - of course it isn't. This is entirely your husband's fault. But I think you are deluding yourself if you think that living in the same house with this man is going to be somehow "protecting" your children. It really, really isn't.

You've signed up to a dating website?! When?

right so: the timing came because of the age of the other child and he wanted to start bringing her to us so that she can mingle with my kids and get a good influence from me-
besides he wants to legalise more the situation and strengthen his guardian rights on her by paying child maintenance- yes he chose the moment - not because of threats but because of some kind of skewed vision of fairness to the child and me- why hurt me if he does not have to? and no he does not see her anymore as a lover-
love continue to comment- i got to go and sleep i did not sleep for some 24 hours now- thank you women- i love you- i am just waiting for my friend to come from holidays to tell her all- i will let you their reavtions-

And you two staying in the same house together - even if you try and explain to them that mummy and daddy aren't together anymore, they aren't going to understand that. How can they? They will grow up thinking that is what marriage is. A loveless, cold relationship between two people. That's an awful image to give to children.

This, a million times this.

You must be in such an awful place right now and it's natural that your first instinct is to protect your children - however, I would gently point out that this is not the way to do it.

These things always come out sooner or later, and it's best to be honest as much as you can be with them - what will happen if their half sister gets in touch at a later date and they know nothing about it? In these days of social media, it's very easily done.

kaykayblue- you are very uplifting-no irony- thank you- my youngest daughter says exactly the same-

yeah libertines i did sign up to a dating site- sad? maybe- it keeps me busy-

you are right Clash City Rocker- it will catch up with them- and they will know it before- i promise- now about being together in a cold relationship my little jack asked me whether i will still prepare for dad meals he likes- and you know what? I said yes- i do not want cold relationship i just do not want sex- he will want- he will have to look for someone else- and i have to find a way to divide the house such that he has his corner- my daughters say that he should just go around and find where to shag his ladies it is none of our problem- I am going to try and sleep- and think it through-
girls we have been for more than 27 years together- it is not easy- especialy that we are the ones who manage the best in our families and help a lot- so yes finances do worry me- i got to go to sleep- thank you for your voices girls- i am so proud to be a woman among women- shall I call the other woman a woman- you know what i am not upset at her even if i discovered that she obsessed about our life- it is him and only him that i held responsible- and what with this little girl he fathered? she is just a chid- no i do not want her in my cell- my daughters do not want either- it is his life and his sole responsibility-
many things can be learnt: to start with stress is a cancer to life- and girls that it is how I see the situation- he was very stressed and is still under big stress- and my family has some form of active cancer- i have to burn the sick cells and protect the healthy ones-
girls all together we will sort it out- thanks girls- and good night

HE WANTS TO INTRODUCE HIS FIVE YEAR-OLD LOVE-CHILD TO YOUR FAMILY?

What. The. Actual. Fucking. Fuck?

Is there any more vile cruelty he can think up? I'm at a complete loss to think of any.

i love you and hope you are with a healthy normal bloke- yes it is twisted- i told im s- he will keep them out of sight-

Hi all,
We have been through the thread and starred out a word that breaches our guidelines about disablist language, giving the OP the benefit of the doubt for the moment. However, if it is used again the whole thread will go, it's just not on to toss words like that around and it cannot be tolerated, whatever the circumstances. Thanks to all who pointed it out.

This is all so sad
My thought was that op has ESL
I hope this is the case and the word isn't used again. Op.. no more please and nice for you to be given the benefit of the doubt by mn

Thank you HelenMumsnet

MaMa, I do think it would be less confusing for all if your husband moved out, rather than keeping a "corner" of the family home for him to inhabit. The younger children in particular will need clear, firm boundaries, imo.

Oh, and make sure that you and your husband understand that PR and maintenance paid are not linked. It is not pay-to-view as it were.

Truly, is this thread for real????

Autistic people whether Adults or children are not that word, i am very

I assumed the OP was a french speaker due to using "souvenir" instead of "memory", but I could be wrong.

OP - The situation you are describing sounds like absolute hell on earth.

You are basically agreeing to be this man's maid, nanny, cook and house keeper. That's an awful situation to willingly put yourself in.

Why don't you just tell him to get out? To go to his other woman (if she will have him), or to sod off on his own?

He can still be a father to his children - there is absolutely no way that you should accept a situation like this. You are letting him have his cake and eat it too - a nice family life, sex on the side with whomever he pleases (you said yourself he would have to get it elsewhere), and absolutely no consequences to his, frankly catastrophic behaviour.

Again, your younger children will look at your situation and assume this is what a marriage is supposed to be. There is a chance your sons will grow up with the view that the wife is for the home, and other women are for romance and sex.

And I cannot even begin to comprehend you accepting that his love child be "brought into the fold" in your own household. How on EARTH are your children going to understand that? How will that child understand that?

You said something about him wanting you to be a good influence on the child - what the fuck? That is what that child's mother is there for.

It doesn't even match his original excuse - that he agreed to father a child with her out of "good will". You don't see surrogate mothers or sperm donors taking the kids out for trips afterwards do you?

Look, I'm sorry but the cold hard truth seems to be that your partner has been leading a double life - bigamy in all but a ring.

Now he is thinking he can just tell you and you will allow him to bring all his disgusting behaviour under one roof, still cook his food for him and generally act like his keeper. And heartbreakingly, you seem to think that this arrangement is your way of showing him your disgust.

It really isn't.

It's just letting him get away with absolutely everything.

You tell us a lot about what OH wants, what the children want etc.

Think about what YOU want.

Bobbins

hello everyone, i am H my mums second daughter, she just introduced me to this amusing chat site thing she has been using to vent today. just wanted to assure you that the 5 year old girl shall not be entering our house :) nor shall my dad if i have any say in it. glad to see my mum is getting so much support from you nice kind people whilst i was away at work! keep cheering her up, your comments are accurate and amusing!

hi, still H here,
english is not my mums first language,
french is her first language,
i read there is alot of confusion surrounding her odd way of saying things..
you get used to it after a while..
:)

glad to be of help. Are we really amusing?

H, I hope you are encouraging your Mum to separate her life from her husband, for the sake of your young brothers, if nothing else.

TheHouseatWhoCorner- i told my mum she can do what she wants, completely her decision, anything she decides is okay, whatever makes her happy.
I personally want nothing to do with him anymore.