May I just start with a warning - you will need some time to read this, it is long but I just wanted to include as many details as possible, to show how things are. I really need support...:(
My story is so typical and so cliche that sometimes I cannot believe it is MY problem as I always perceived myself as a down to earth woman, resistant to soap opera type of romance... but here I am, in the middle of something that changed my life.
I am a 36 year old woman, separated 2 years ago after 10 years of marriage (drinking husband), one DD. I had 2 serious relationships in my life and always very strong morals – never even had the temptation to cheat, always very careful and very sensible with men. So far I have slept with 4 man, never had a one night stand. Never ever I would imagine im my life that I can fall for a married man...
4 years ago I met a guy, he was employed by my company. He is 39 now, really nice guy, I liked from the beginning but just as a friend. It wasn’t anything special or intense, just a work colleague who I’ve always liked talking to. He is married with two little kids. His little girls has some sort of disability but I do not know how serious it is, she looks quite normal and healthy.
Once, at the party when the company was celebrating the big success he kissed me. He wanted to have sex and asked if he could come to mine later in the week. I liked it but obviously refused, bearing in mind his family and my rules. We talked about it later and both agreed it was a mistake, he apologised and explained that he was just wasted and I said the same. We never discussed that since.
It happened about 2 years ago and for the next couple of months our contact was just friendly, we were just work colleagues, there were days at work when we didn’t even talk and everything seemed to be normal and healthy. But I started to notice that there is something in the air and started feeling some sort of bond with that man. I tried to look at it realistically and kept thinking that he is just unavailable but I couldn’t deny that I like him more and more and he seemed to behave as if he felt similar. Hundreds of longing looks, smiles, little chats, all the obvious signs of body language. Everything very discreet because I felt so guilty about the fact that I fancy a married man and didn’t want people at work to notice anything and gossip and so on. Finally we started texting but these text messages were just friendly and not regular, a couple of texts maybe 2-3 times a month. I started texting him because the only logical explanation of his behaviour for me was the idea that he is a middle aged man, bored in marriage who probably wants sex and he hasn’t got any serious feelings towards me. I thought that if that’s the case – then I will be able to look at him as yet another jerk/bored in marriage guy, maybe dislike him and I will finally be able to move on from that situation. It all started to affect my work in a way as I couldn’t stop thinking about him and this odd situation, so I just wanted some confrontation.
In the meantime I found out that his wife works a lot, that he spends lots of time on his own with the kids, that his wife doesn’t give him too much freedom and he does a lot to please her. All these bits were coming from mutual friends naturally, I wasn’t asking about him, he was never complaining. We have never met outside work.
One day, after work, he just left the letter of resignation at our manager’s desk. Everybody was shocked that he did it because he is very successful at work and much liked and respected. People kept gossiping what happened, how come he could have left such a good job. The official version was that he wants to slow down his career for a while and focus on family, they sold the house and decided to move away to a different county. From what I’ve heard his new job is less paid and less challenging, people at work kept talking that he is making a massive mistake. However, he has never discussed that with anyone and when I asked him about it he just smiled in a bizarre way and said that he is looking forward to starting a new chapter, but I felt like it was just a polite answer to let me know he just doesn’t want to discuss that.
I was very upset when I found out that he’s leaving. I realised I will miss him and I just couldn’t imagine the company without him and , myself not being able to see him and chat to him. I had to admit that I like so much about that man - his intelligence, the fact that he is so composed, so diplomatic, always knows what to say and how to behave, not mentioning his sense of humour. There is and always was that natural flow when we talk, and we just feel so comfortable together. Still, I felt so guilty about being this way as I do not have the right to feel anything to a man who is married and with kids. His appearance is not my usual ‘type’ but I feel so strongly attracted to him, I just love both his looks and his personality. Obviously I was fantasizing about sex with him and felt both great and horrible doing it.
His leaving party was one of the most horrible experiences in my life. We all went to the same place that we kissed 2 years ago and the history, in a way, did repeat but without anything physical this time. We just talked, he was upset and stressed. I found the courage to tell him how I feel about him. I told him I have feelings for him and I feel both wonderful and horrible about it, and mostly guilty. I told him that I never wanted just sex so I would like him just to be honest with me and tell me that he just likes me as a friend and maybe has the hots for me, so I could move on. He was shocked, just told me that I know he has a family and cannot do anything against them.
I gave him a hug and went back home and cried half of the night. And then he started texting... we both started writing about how we feel about each other, how we dreamed and fantasized about each other. I felt like a slapper but I agreed to meet with him next day... but we never met. He had second thoughts and so had I. We spoke on the phone and texted again and he said that he had imagined our life together, he was thinking how it would be if we could live together, have children and make love every day. I was shocked, I would have never thought that he can see it all and feel it all in the same way, and so much intense as I do. I always saw him as a composed and rather reserved person, so for me it was so unexpected in a way, as if he finally let himself open to me and tell what really is in his head and suddenly he just stopped texting as if he just realised he said too much and/or he just cannot/shouldn’t feel this way.
On the next day he sent me a long message saying that we cannot carry on, that if we do, it will end in pain and misery for too many people, that there are children involved. He said that he takes full responsibility and apologises for it all and hopes that I can forgive him. I asked him again if it was all just fun/lust for him and he confirmed that in different circumstances he would want to be in a relationship with me.
He promised to meet with me once again, just to talk, in public place but it never happened, either. He just stopped texting, calling. I texted him a couple of times, emailed him and phoned him twice. All within 3 weeks, so I do not feel like I am stalking him. No response. All I wanted was to say goodbye, didn’t want him to change his mind, didn’t want to drag him to bed, no matter how much I want him.
I do not know what to do with myself. It has been nearly two months and I just cannot cope with all these emptiness, I miss him so much, I’d just like to see him or talk to him. On the other hand I know I have no right to do it, that I shouldn’t be even a friend to him as I do not believe in true and clear friendship between man and woman, it always leads to something. Married men should have close female friends, especially if they have marriage problems...
I know that he has been in a way unfaithful to his wife already... he haven’t had sex but our contact, these text messages and confessions are in a way like an emotional cheating. And for me, as a woman, that would be even worse... I do feel guilty, I keep beating myself about it all but still my feelings towards him are stronger than this guilt. I can refrain from sleeping with him and I try my best not to contacts with him anymore. But I cannot stop feeling the way I feel about him.
I am more than aware that if he would ever want to do anything with me, he should sort out his life and problems first. I would never want to be the other woman and I’d never want his wife or family to suffer. If he told me that he still loves his wife and want to try to save their marriage – I’d understand and wouldn’t leave him alone. I know I cannot be even friends with him but I just want some kind of closure to be able to sort it all out in my head.
I do not know what to do with feeling towards him, with all the longing, all the sense of guilt. For some reason and against all the logic I feel like I might have lost somebody who could be my true love... I am so unhappy and such a mess now...