In love with a married man :( - loads of romantic crap, but still it's my life...

[dear1darling]

May I just start with a warning - you will need some time to read this, it is long but I just wanted to include as many details as possible, to show how things are. I really need support...:(

My story is so typical and so cliche that sometimes I cannot believe it is MY problem as I always perceived myself as a down to earth woman, resistant to soap opera type of romance... but here I am, in the middle of something that changed my life.

I am a 36 year old woman, separated 2 years ago after 10 years of marriage (drinking husband), one DD. I had 2 serious relationships in my life and always very strong morals – never even had the temptation to cheat, always very careful and very sensible with men. So far I have slept with 4 man, never had a one night stand. Never ever I would imagine im my life that I can fall for a married man...
4 years ago I met a guy, he was employed by my company. He is 39 now, really nice guy, I liked from the beginning but just as a friend. It wasn’t anything special or intense, just a work colleague who I’ve always liked talking to. He is married with two little kids. His little girls has some sort of disability but I do not know how serious it is, she looks quite normal and healthy.
Once, at the party when the company was celebrating the big success he kissed me. He wanted to have sex and asked if he could come to mine later in the week. I liked it but obviously refused, bearing in mind his family and my rules. We talked about it later and both agreed it was a mistake, he apologised and explained that he was just wasted and I said the same. We never discussed that since.

It happened about 2 years ago and for the next couple of months our contact was just friendly, we were just work colleagues, there were days at work when we didn’t even talk and everything seemed to be normal and healthy. But I started to notice that there is something in the air and started feeling some sort of bond with that man. I tried to look at it realistically and kept thinking that he is just unavailable but I couldn’t deny that I like him more and more and he seemed to behave as if he felt similar. Hundreds of longing looks, smiles, little chats, all the obvious signs of body language. Everything very discreet because I felt so guilty about the fact that I fancy a married man and didn’t want people at work to notice anything and gossip and so on. Finally we started texting but these text messages were just friendly and not regular, a couple of texts maybe 2-3 times a month. I started texting him because the only logical explanation of his behaviour for me was the idea that he is a middle aged man, bored in marriage who probably wants sex and he hasn’t got any serious feelings towards me. I thought that if that’s the case – then I will be able to look at him as yet another jerk/bored in marriage guy, maybe dislike him and I will finally be able to move on from that situation. It all started to affect my work in a way as I couldn’t stop thinking about him and this odd situation, so I just wanted some confrontation.

In the meantime I found out that his wife works a lot, that he spends lots of time on his own with the kids, that his wife doesn’t give him too much freedom and he does a lot to please her. All these bits were coming from mutual friends naturally, I wasn’t asking about him, he was never complaining. We have never met outside work.
One day, after work, he just left the letter of resignation at our manager’s desk. Everybody was shocked that he did it because he is very successful at work and much liked and respected. People kept gossiping what happened, how come he could have left such a good job. The official version was that he wants to slow down his career for a while and focus on family, they sold the house and decided to move away to a different county. From what I’ve heard his new job is less paid and less challenging, people at work kept talking that he is making a massive mistake. However, he has never discussed that with anyone and when I asked him about it he just smiled in a bizarre way and said that he is looking forward to starting a new chapter, but I felt like it was just a polite answer to let me know he just doesn’t want to discuss that.
I was very upset when I found out that he’s leaving. I realised I will miss him and I just couldn’t imagine the company without him and , myself not being able to see him and chat to him. I had to admit that I like so much about that man - his intelligence, the fact that he is so composed, so diplomatic, always knows what to say and how to behave, not mentioning his sense of humour. There is and always was that natural flow when we talk, and we just feel so comfortable together. Still, I felt so guilty about being this way as I do not have the right to feel anything to a man who is married and with kids. His appearance is not my usual ‘type’ but I feel so strongly attracted to him, I just love both his looks and his personality. Obviously I was fantasizing about sex with him and felt both great and horrible doing it.
His leaving party was one of the most horrible experiences in my life. We all went to the same place that we kissed 2 years ago and the history, in a way, did repeat but without anything physical this time. We just talked, he was upset and stressed. I found the courage to tell him how I feel about him. I told him I have feelings for him and I feel both wonderful and horrible about it, and mostly guilty. I told him that I never wanted just sex so I would like him just to be honest with me and tell me that he just likes me as a friend and maybe has the hots for me, so I could move on. He was shocked, just told me that I know he has a family and cannot do anything against them.

I gave him a hug and went back home and cried half of the night. And then he started texting... we both started writing about how we feel about each other, how we dreamed and fantasized about each other. I felt like a slapper but I agreed to meet with him next day... but we never met. He had second thoughts and so had I. We spoke on the phone and texted again and he said that he had imagined our life together, he was thinking how it would be if we could live together, have children and make love every day. I was shocked, I would have never thought that he can see it all and feel it all in the same way, and so much intense as I do. I always saw him as a composed and rather reserved person, so for me it was so unexpected in a way, as if he finally let himself open to me and tell what really is in his head and suddenly he just stopped texting as if he just realised he said too much and/or he just cannot/shouldn’t feel this way.
On the next day he sent me a long message saying that we cannot carry on, that if we do, it will end in pain and misery for too many people, that there are children involved. He said that he takes full responsibility and apologises for it all and hopes that I can forgive him. I asked him again if it was all just fun/lust for him and he confirmed that in different circumstances he would want to be in a relationship with me.
He promised to meet with me once again, just to talk, in public place but it never happened, either. He just stopped texting, calling. I texted him a couple of times, emailed him and phoned him twice. All within 3 weeks, so I do not feel like I am stalking him. No response. All I wanted was to say goodbye, didn’t want him to change his mind, didn’t want to drag him to bed, no matter how much I want him.
I do not know what to do with myself. It has been nearly two months and I just cannot cope with all these emptiness, I miss him so much, I’d just like to see him or talk to him. On the other hand I know I have no right to do it, that I shouldn’t be even a friend to him as I do not believe in true and clear friendship between man and woman, it always leads to something. Married men should have close female friends, especially if they have marriage problems...
I know that he has been in a way unfaithful to his wife already... he haven’t had sex but our contact, these text messages and confessions are in a way like an emotional cheating. And for me, as a woman, that would be even worse... I do feel guilty, I keep beating myself about it all but still my feelings towards him are stronger than this guilt. I can refrain from sleeping with him and I try my best not to contacts with him anymore. But I cannot stop feeling the way I feel about him.
I am more than aware that if he would ever want to do anything with me, he should sort out his life and problems first. I would never want to be the other woman and I’d never want his wife or family to suffer. If he told me that he still loves his wife and want to try to save their marriage – I’d understand and wouldn’t leave him alone. I know I cannot be even friends with him but I just want some kind of closure to be able to sort it all out in my head.

I do not know what to do with feeling towards him, with all the longing, all the sense of guilt. For some reason and against all the logic I feel like I might have lost somebody who could be my true love... I am so unhappy and such a mess now...

He doesn't sound like a good catch and you sound too desperate and needy. Stop pursuing him. No good can come for anyone.

I just keep thinking why is this happening to me.

It is happening because you let it and because now you are dwelling on it as some 'grand romance nipped in the bud'. Yes, you may have 'cut contact' but it is obvious that you are somewhat fixated on him and 'what could have been'. Your posts are full of 'what ifs' and justifications and reasons he was 'interested' in you other than as a quick shag. You are letting yourself build up a whole fantasy scenario around the situation and that is unhealthy.

If you are unable to get the thoughts of him out of your head by yourself, I suggest, along with others, that you seek counseling.

Actually, I've just re-read your last post and I do believe that counselling would benefit you, to help you deal with all the pain in your life, not just this fixation.

You need to find other positives in your life, focus on them, create new positives, do new things; you may benefit from the Freedom programme to help you get away from unhealthy relationships (this one is clearly different from your last one, but still unhealthy!) and spend some time learning to heal your own pain from within, if you see what I mean.

When you are in a better place yourself, good things may come to you - I know it's trite, and it may not happen, but all the while you fixate on what "might have been" you close yourself off to what might be - so open up!

I've had a similar situation several years ago. He wasn't married, in fact he lied and said he was single initially, and no kids. But we did plan our lives together and kissed, no sex thank god. He talked about his unhappy relationship, how they were deeply incompatible and he wanted to end it. Except he's now married to her with at least one kid so has either made a martyr of himself for this girl or he was bullshitting. I was utterly heart broken when it ended - she did find out, big drama and flip flopping all over the place from this guy, he even said he was worried about ending up alone if he left her and wouldn't get regular sex, so I just cut it off. He downplayed the events massively to her. I wouldn't say I had much closure, I couldn't believe answers to any questions anyway. It gave me the motivation to change my life and move away, I've done so much I'd have missed out on by settling with him. Plus I have the clarity of hindsight and can see what a stupid fucking tosser he is and what a lucky escape I had - at the time I believed he was a good guy in a bad situation but he was a lying, cowardly tossbag.

So forget him, as tough as that sounds right now. Do amazing stuff for yourself and your DD, go out and meet new people or old friends. Take up a new hobby. You will see in a few months or so that he was an absolute toad to kiss you and string you along, realise he's made a choice, perhaps the easy one for the right or wrong reasons but this doesn't matter because it's his decision and his business and you need to concentrate on yourself instead. Even if he made contact it is the wrong thing to do. Unless he has left his wife for the right reasons and is single don't respond to any contact. Respect his choice and accept there is no closure, even with a final call there would be questions. And be relieved you didn't sleep with him, you will be in the months and years to come.

He was briefly tempted and then changed his mind. He chose his wife and family over you. That's it. Move on. Shore up your own life.

I have an enormous amount of empathy for the feelings you have described with such honesty.

From the detail and length of your posts comes a sense of someone with an enormous amount of pent up emotion. When one strips away much of what you have written, what you are asking here, to my eyes, is, on the surface, quite a simple question: how do I move on?

It's absolutely obvious that the interaction between yourself and this man has been a two-way street. Your description of him pouring his feelings out reinforce your other remarks that the feelings between the two of you were quite mutual. I'm not in the least bit surprised that you feel as though you have been emotionally pulled in and now you are fearful about how you can navigate out of this without it causing hurt to yourself.

Where I do agree with other contributors, and you have acknowledged it yourself, is that to chase this rainbow for a moment longer will only cause you more pain. People don't choose who they are attracted to or who they fall for, but at the same time you have a responsibility to yourself and for your own well being to accept that the pain will continue for as long as you continue to a) speculate over his motives - now or then, b) fantasise over what was and what might have been, c) carry on attempting to make any kind of communication with this man, as sorely tempting as this feels, d) focus on his absence now he has gone. When one considers all of these points and their actions they all amount to wasted and futile energy which you could be putting back into yourself to help you to move forward.

Letting go means just that, and we all know from last relationships whether they are requited or unrequited that it takes time. The needless energy that you are expending on guilt (guilt is only appropriate if one has done something that warrants remorse and you haven't done anything more wrong than emotionally fall for someone.) Many people would not have thought twice about jumping in the sack, but you didn't do this, and this says much about your good character. All of this time and energy is being needlessly wasted when it should be utilised to get you moving on with your life. This isn't a slight against the man concerned, but he moved on with his - little by little you need to move on with yours.

When I lost my first husband I thought I would never, ever be able to love again or move on. But very, very gradually I came out of the darkness and eventually found love again, much to my utter surprise. Your posts show that these are really very recent events, relatively speaking. Don't let your emotions fool you into thinking that he was the "only one" or other such things. I would not dream of making any moral judgments regarding the situation - just practical ones - that had the relationship been pursued it would have been extraordinarily stressful when the bomb eventually exploded and it's easy to forget that love is often not enough in itself. For him to have bounced from one relationship straight into your arms would have meant him dragging huge quantities of emotional baggage and mess from his old life in to your potential relationship.

We often idealise things when we can not have direct and full access to them - a bit like we might see a wonderful house and think how happy we would be if we could live in it. But once we are lumbered with a gigantic debt in the form of a mortgage, the reality doesn't quite match the dream. Had you taken this situation to its ultimate conclusion and begun a fully blown relationship with this man, you would not only be incurring your own emotional debts due to the guilt caused by the breakdown of his relationship, but you would be taking on his emotional debts too.

It feels to me that you really are trying to get answers in how you can find a way forward without this man, but the endless pontificating over his current marriage and your own interactions with this man have to stop first before any healing can occur for you. I think everyone of us here has an understanding of what it feels like to grieve for someone's absence or if a situation is just so impossible to start with it could only ever have been a fantasy for it to have been happy. Chasing this rainbow will exhaust you if you continue, and there is no pot of happiness to be found at the end of it. You must find happiness within yourself by letting go and really drawing a line in the sand. We all deserve to be happy and happiness will arrive if you focus on your well being first. By doing this, almost without fail the good things in life start to fall into place quite unexpectedly.

Best wishes

Lettice

You have never been in a relationship with this man and you haven't been in contact for two months. I think you have to be harsh with yourself and do what you can to distract yourself and keep busy. He has told you he doesn't want to be with you. You have no choice but to accept it.

He seduced you emotionally; then, when he realised he wasn't going to get some extramarital sex, he dumped you. Yes, he may have got emotionally involved with you up to a point, but his offer to meet you for a mid-week shag located him precisely. He has played you, darling. Some men people see a broken bird a mile off and you are clearly vulnerable ( you may feel you kept your vulnerability a secret and presented a good/strong public face, but people aren't fooled).

But maybe you've fooled yourself that you are on top of things, that having strong morals brings order to the world - it doesn't, people in general aren't moral (at least not to the point you are). Life can be chaotic and frightening. He has got you by the ankle, tipped you upside down and shaken you about - and he will be telling himself it's just one if those things (if he's telling himself anything at all, which I doubt). He hasn't thought about the impact on you.

You can't force the world to be ordered and fair - getting some kind of closure from him is unrealistic: he took his chances, it didn't work [he didn't get a delicious parallel-universe/fantasy shag], he fled. He may well have changed jobs because he was in danger with you (I wonder how he's explained away his demotion to his wife? She must have gone along with the move) but he's also probably running away from what a skank he's been. He's not going to be engaged in an autopsy with you about 'Your Relationship' because that would be continuing your relationship, and he's firmly chosen not to.

Point is, you are vulnerable at present. Shitty relationships don't come from nowhere, there is probably a history (ie pre alcoholic ex) and it would help to do some detective work with a therapist to find out what that is - which would give you, in a way, the order you need to feel stable.

Dust yourself off, lovely. We're all fucked up, one way or another. You deserve better than the crumbs from someone's table. You can't guarantee a trouble-free life - and to aim for it often invites trouble - by you can protect and enjoy what is yours ie what is in your remit to control xx.

Hasn't he moved abroad by now?
Maybe his wife found all the messages you sent him. Maybe he deleted the email account and got a new phone number. He's made his decision and will continue to live his life without you. Why should that haunt you?

You got involved with someone else's emotional issues and thought you could do something about it, but it actually had nothing to do with you. It didn't matter that you had/have feelings for him - what if it was someone else in the office who had feelings for him? He would still have left and put his family first.
Now he's moved on. That's what you have to accept to move on as well.

He doesn't want to be with you.

Stop with the self indulgent fantasy life you have created - just stop.

He acted badly, but eventually saw sense and moved away. Leave him alone. For his sake, and yours.

How? Whatever floats your boat, meet other people, take up origami, whatever it takes to occupy your over active imagination! Just put your Big Girl Pants on and do it.

He owes you no explanation, all his loyalty is towards his wife and children. Leave him alone, stop texting him. He was having an emotional affair but he stopped it from becoming physical because he loved his wife. He wants to fix his marriage which is why he has cut all contact from you.

Great post from Lettice.

I actually think you are in a cycle of 'what if' behaviour and this cycle needs to be broken. Do you think he is spending as much time thinking about you? I think not. He had an emotional moment with you - I have no idea of his motives - but he will have moved on, and you owe it to yourself, to move on too.

I think you may well be wrong on your summing up of what this guy is like - love (if it is love) is blind, after all. I honestly think he is not thinking like you are - let's imagine, he were to read your original post. What do you think he would say about it? I imagine you think he would say 'I am so emotional that dear1darling feels like this about me, because I feel the same'.

When in fact, he is probably thinking 'shit, I didn't realise she felt quite so much about me, this is scary'.

Sorry to be harsh but I think you have built this up into something that really is more than it is. Also, I just get the feeling that whatever any MNers say about this guy, you are convinced he is a good 'un with honourable thoughts and feelings, when that really might not be the case.

It surely can be no coincidence that your marriage broke up 2 years ago and the offer of sex from this man happened 2 years ago too - was he the catalyst to break up your marriage?

To spend 4 years wasting brain space on this man is just ridiculous and I'm sure you are worth more than that.

Forget the closure - if only we could all get closure on the very many things that happen in our lives, but it just does not happen. You have to learn to live with non closure and stop the what ifs. I think you want to hear from him just one more time and for him to say that you are the love of his life but he is going to do the honourable thing and stay with his wife. Well... it ain't gonna happen and who knows, he might barely have given you a second thought these last couple of months.

One last thing and I really don't want to sound harsh but I feel very strongly about this bit. Texting him a couple of times (was it really just a couple?), emailing him, phoning him twice in the space of 3 weeks when you got on response whatsoever... I'm sorry but that is stalkery behaviour. He stopped texting and the most you should have done is text once and if you had no reply, that was your answer. You say you haven't had contact for two months. Good. Don't even think of contacting him again because I promise you, you will regret it big time.

Regarding LatteLoverLovesLatte's observation that the OP was being "self indulgent." With respect, I didn't see anything in her posts that was self indulgent. The situation was mutually reciprocated in both directions and the man involved had as much of a part to play in creating the situation the OP now finds herself in.

Perhaps not everyone deals with things in the same. What might take one person a short amount of time to get over and move on from can take another person many months or years. By labelling the OP as self indulgent there's a risk of simply dismissing whatever it is that she is clearly still struggling with. This man clearly has a considerable hold over her emotional state. There is nothing weird or immature about this. I'm sure if she could just simply put her "Big Girl's Pants" on this morning, snap her fingers and make it all go away like a magic trick she would do. Maybe emotions are a bit more complicated than that?

As most of the other posters have said, the situation was doomed to failure, but we don't choose who we fall for.

Your advice for the OP was extremely thoughtful and thought provoking Roussette - particularly your observation that four years of the OP's life has, in effect, been sucked away through turmoil and emotional upheaval.

It can be easy for people to knee-jerk and perhaps not offer empathetic advice when the subject of potential affairs or affairs involving married parties are concerned. Matters of the heart are rarely straightforward though.

Lettice.

I don't recall asking for your opinion of my opinion Lettice nor why you are trying to dominate this thread!?

Re-read the OP. They kissed, he drunkenly suggested sex. She said no, they both agreed it was a mistake. That should have been the end of it (well, it shouldn't have even happened, but as it did, that should have been the end of it).

But NO. She kept on persuing him. Yes, it would appear that at one stage he did overstep the line and talk to her about 'what he would like if he was free' - but on the whole, he kept stepping back, saying no, saying he was married, saying he wasn't free... clearly he wasn't being listened to, so he MOVED AWAY. He took a lesser job to get away.

Even that wasn't enough.

I'd just like to hear from him, personally, that I need to leave him alone

HE MOVED AWAY

How much more clear does his message need to be?

She is wanting/pushing for more contact - FFS it is self indulgent fantasising and she needs to stop it.

Great posts from Lettice and Rousette.

Sorry to hear of your turmoil OP, you fell for someone unavailable and whilst it may have been mutual for a while he has now broken contact so it has ended.
Closure in nice neat explanations ime only happens on American TV series/films so I wouldn't torture yourself trying to get this from him by contacting him.

As other posters have pointed out we don't choose who we fall for, be kind to yourself and then heed the following advice from another poster.

You must find happiness within yourself by letting go and really drawing a line in the sand. We all deserve to be happy and happiness will arrive if you focus on your well being first. By doing this, almost without fail the good things in life start to fall into place quite unexpectedly.

Best wishes
x

He is married and has chosen his wife. If he had wanted to be with you he would have left her. But he didn't because you didn't mean anything to him in the long run. He moved away and you did persue him. You have your answer. He choose his wife.

With all due respect Latte, Lettice is not dominating the thread, she is offering an opinion, just like others.

I just think the OP is in a cycle here and it could get worse if she doesn't give herself a good talking to and realise she is worth more than this wasted angst on something that is just not going to work. I am concerned there is a small part of her that imagines he will come back to her. And if that's the case, it will be impossible for her to move on in her head. OP try and think the worst of this bloke, not the best, which is what I think you are doing. Get angry, not sad.

How could you be so selfish. You are sad after one kiss how would his family feel after years.

Leaving aside the married man aspect, which has been well covered by others, basically what this comes down to is you having to move on and recover from the emotional blow. That is just going to take a lot of time, a lot of distraction and a lot of kindness to yourself.

You have to move forward and stop always looking back over your shoulder. As was previously said, if he wanted to be with you, he would. He isn't.

You will feel better. Give it time.

Two years ago I had a very painful breakup and found it incredibly hard to move on. There is no secret about how to do it and I wallowed shamelessly for a long time. Time is all that helped in the end. You will be ok eventually and will be able to think back to this with a different perspective. This was not the relationship for you. There will be another, better one.

I hope you feel better soon.

Dear LatteLoverLovesLattes

Thank you for your reply and your constructive criticism. It was very enlightening. We perhaps have a different take on the situation - I do hope it is alright to agree to differ?

At the same time, it would be rather stifling if one couldn't debate an issue with other members? More importantly, the OP's well being & happiness are what really matter. I don't think she has warranted some of the uncaring observations that have been sent her way, and like you do, I only wish her the very best for her future happiness.

Very best wishes,

Lettice.

Lettuce, I thought yours was a great post.

Lettice, sorry.

Thank you Cupacakethankooo - I must apologise because only joined this evening and I have not properly worked out how to reply to a person individually within a thread. I have been bowled over by the thoughtfulness of the commenting on various threads including this one.