In love with a married man :( - loads of romantic crap, but still it's my life...

[dear1darling]

May I just start with a warning - you will need some time to read this, it is long but I just wanted to include as many details as possible, to show how things are. I really need support...:(

My story is so typical and so cliche that sometimes I cannot believe it is MY problem as I always perceived myself as a down to earth woman, resistant to soap opera type of romance... but here I am, in the middle of something that changed my life.

I am a 36 year old woman, separated 2 years ago after 10 years of marriage (drinking husband), one DD. I had 2 serious relationships in my life and always very strong morals – never even had the temptation to cheat, always very careful and very sensible with men. So far I have slept with 4 man, never had a one night stand. Never ever I would imagine im my life that I can fall for a married man...
4 years ago I met a guy, he was employed by my company. He is 39 now, really nice guy, I liked from the beginning but just as a friend. It wasn’t anything special or intense, just a work colleague who I’ve always liked talking to. He is married with two little kids. His little girls has some sort of disability but I do not know how serious it is, she looks quite normal and healthy.
Once, at the party when the company was celebrating the big success he kissed me. He wanted to have sex and asked if he could come to mine later in the week. I liked it but obviously refused, bearing in mind his family and my rules. We talked about it later and both agreed it was a mistake, he apologised and explained that he was just wasted and I said the same. We never discussed that since.

It happened about 2 years ago and for the next couple of months our contact was just friendly, we were just work colleagues, there were days at work when we didn’t even talk and everything seemed to be normal and healthy. But I started to notice that there is something in the air and started feeling some sort of bond with that man. I tried to look at it realistically and kept thinking that he is just unavailable but I couldn’t deny that I like him more and more and he seemed to behave as if he felt similar. Hundreds of longing looks, smiles, little chats, all the obvious signs of body language. Everything very discreet because I felt so guilty about the fact that I fancy a married man and didn’t want people at work to notice anything and gossip and so on. Finally we started texting but these text messages were just friendly and not regular, a couple of texts maybe 2-3 times a month. I started texting him because the only logical explanation of his behaviour for me was the idea that he is a middle aged man, bored in marriage who probably wants sex and he hasn’t got any serious feelings towards me. I thought that if that’s the case – then I will be able to look at him as yet another jerk/bored in marriage guy, maybe dislike him and I will finally be able to move on from that situation. It all started to affect my work in a way as I couldn’t stop thinking about him and this odd situation, so I just wanted some confrontation.

In the meantime I found out that his wife works a lot, that he spends lots of time on his own with the kids, that his wife doesn’t give him too much freedom and he does a lot to please her. All these bits were coming from mutual friends naturally, I wasn’t asking about him, he was never complaining. We have never met outside work.
One day, after work, he just left the letter of resignation at our manager’s desk. Everybody was shocked that he did it because he is very successful at work and much liked and respected. People kept gossiping what happened, how come he could have left such a good job. The official version was that he wants to slow down his career for a while and focus on family, they sold the house and decided to move away to a different county. From what I’ve heard his new job is less paid and less challenging, people at work kept talking that he is making a massive mistake. However, he has never discussed that with anyone and when I asked him about it he just smiled in a bizarre way and said that he is looking forward to starting a new chapter, but I felt like it was just a polite answer to let me know he just doesn’t want to discuss that.
I was very upset when I found out that he’s leaving. I realised I will miss him and I just couldn’t imagine the company without him and , myself not being able to see him and chat to him. I had to admit that I like so much about that man - his intelligence, the fact that he is so composed, so diplomatic, always knows what to say and how to behave, not mentioning his sense of humour. There is and always was that natural flow when we talk, and we just feel so comfortable together. Still, I felt so guilty about being this way as I do not have the right to feel anything to a man who is married and with kids. His appearance is not my usual ‘type’ but I feel so strongly attracted to him, I just love both his looks and his personality. Obviously I was fantasizing about sex with him and felt both great and horrible doing it.
His leaving party was one of the most horrible experiences in my life. We all went to the same place that we kissed 2 years ago and the history, in a way, did repeat but without anything physical this time. We just talked, he was upset and stressed. I found the courage to tell him how I feel about him. I told him I have feelings for him and I feel both wonderful and horrible about it, and mostly guilty. I told him that I never wanted just sex so I would like him just to be honest with me and tell me that he just likes me as a friend and maybe has the hots for me, so I could move on. He was shocked, just told me that I know he has a family and cannot do anything against them.

I gave him a hug and went back home and cried half of the night. And then he started texting... we both started writing about how we feel about each other, how we dreamed and fantasized about each other. I felt like a slapper but I agreed to meet with him next day... but we never met. He had second thoughts and so had I. We spoke on the phone and texted again and he said that he had imagined our life together, he was thinking how it would be if we could live together, have children and make love every day. I was shocked, I would have never thought that he can see it all and feel it all in the same way, and so much intense as I do. I always saw him as a composed and rather reserved person, so for me it was so unexpected in a way, as if he finally let himself open to me and tell what really is in his head and suddenly he just stopped texting as if he just realised he said too much and/or he just cannot/shouldn’t feel this way.
On the next day he sent me a long message saying that we cannot carry on, that if we do, it will end in pain and misery for too many people, that there are children involved. He said that he takes full responsibility and apologises for it all and hopes that I can forgive him. I asked him again if it was all just fun/lust for him and he confirmed that in different circumstances he would want to be in a relationship with me.
He promised to meet with me once again, just to talk, in public place but it never happened, either. He just stopped texting, calling. I texted him a couple of times, emailed him and phoned him twice. All within 3 weeks, so I do not feel like I am stalking him. No response. All I wanted was to say goodbye, didn’t want him to change his mind, didn’t want to drag him to bed, no matter how much I want him.
I do not know what to do with myself. It has been nearly two months and I just cannot cope with all these emptiness, I miss him so much, I’d just like to see him or talk to him. On the other hand I know I have no right to do it, that I shouldn’t be even a friend to him as I do not believe in true and clear friendship between man and woman, it always leads to something. Married men should have close female friends, especially if they have marriage problems...
I know that he has been in a way unfaithful to his wife already... he haven’t had sex but our contact, these text messages and confessions are in a way like an emotional cheating. And for me, as a woman, that would be even worse... I do feel guilty, I keep beating myself about it all but still my feelings towards him are stronger than this guilt. I can refrain from sleeping with him and I try my best not to contacts with him anymore. But I cannot stop feeling the way I feel about him.
I am more than aware that if he would ever want to do anything with me, he should sort out his life and problems first. I would never want to be the other woman and I’d never want his wife or family to suffer. If he told me that he still loves his wife and want to try to save their marriage – I’d understand and wouldn’t leave him alone. I know I cannot be even friends with him but I just want some kind of closure to be able to sort it all out in my head.

I do not know what to do with feeling towards him, with all the longing, all the sense of guilt. For some reason and against all the logic I feel like I might have lost somebody who could be my true love... I am so unhappy and such a mess now...

[SierpinskiNumber]

I thought the OP sounds very self indulgent too.

[Sylvana]

He never wanted anything more from you than no-strings sex OP (despite what he said) his actions have proved that. He just wanted to use you. He is nothing but a player, start getting angry about that!

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

I am genuinely sorry if I made you feel worse than you already did. That was not my intention. My intention was to highlight to you that this is a man with a family who need him. And even if your feelings were reciprocated, even a tiny bit, he has chosen to stay with his family. That is your closure. Wishing his wife and children away, minimising their needs, their claim on his love and affection does you no favours, will not help you move on. I hope one day you will see that and that dismissing their needs (and diminishing his DD's disability to help you do that) is something that will only lead to more pain.

He is theirs. He has made that clear by his later actions (if not his earlier ones). You were a moment of madness, he's moved on and you must do that too.

[alphabook]

This isn't love. This is an emotional distraction from all the other pain you've been through with the break up of your marriage.

You say you know him, but at the same time you've implied that you didn't even talk that much when you were working together. You've decided he must have an unhappy marriage, yet that "information" has come from your own guesswork and gossip from other people. You have both built up a fantasy in your heads of each other (making love every day? Please!) which is in no way based on reality.

He has made it clear he is not interested, and the way for you to move on from this is to address your own loneliness and depression issues.

[dear1darling]

Once again I would like to say thank you to everybody who made an effort to write in my thread. I do appreciate all the comments, I think I need as many objective views as as possible.

Just to clarify on a couple of inaccuracies:
-I have separated with my husband before anything happened with the other man. Ex moved out about 6 months before the kiss with the other man happened and I was actually quite content and in relatively good mental shape then. So I should have said before that I've been separated for about 2,5 years with my husband, meaning living apart but realistically we lived separate lives for much longer. During that period i have never had any fling, any romance with anyone.
-I have always liked that man and found him attractive but never though about him romantically/sexually as I knew he was unavailable. When we kissed I felt horrible, knew it was wrong. But still, in some odd way I liked it, and yes, I did feel flattered not humiliated, maybe because I knew him before and always though highly of him.
At that time I just started dating another man, from outside work environment, who is really funny and attractive but he made it clear that he just wants to be friends with benefits only. We are still in touch and while I told him we can be only friends with no benefits, he still has hopes we'll end up as lovers.
To be honest, if I was to compare who made me feel more like a sex object, it would be the other man, not my work crush, or however I might call him.
-I wasn't pursuing him. I can tell with all honesty that out of all men from work he was the one I kept distant, always making sure our contact is transprent. I wasn't encouraging him. Even the text messages we had were not flirty, not sexualised in any way, just general chats about work and life.
If he wanted just sex from me, he could easily create opportunities to be alone with me, and so could I, and there would be no problem with hiding it all. None of us did it though.
On the surface everything was innocent and just friendly. I know that, in a way, nothing really happened. But still emotions were there, they appeared slowly and I have been denying them for such a long time, nearly 2 years.
In that time I had a partner for a couple of months, somebody I have known for 12 years, great honest and totally available guy, somebody who wants to be with me, but it didn't work as I just couldn't love him. We talk a lot, went on dates, had satisfying sex but there is just no deeper emotions on my side. I wish I could feel about him as I do about the other guy... but I just don't.

I am aware that all my feelings stem from the fact that I might me emotionally hungry, lonely and just long for deep and passionate love with someone, similar I first had with my husband. I know that I probably do idealise the guy from work and life with him wouldn't be all rosy.
I honestly do understand that he chose his family and cannot even be disappointed about it, he made the only right choice in current circumstances.

On the other hand I think I have always been sensible enough and realistic enough to be able to see things clearly and to be quite right about people. I do see his weak sides, his faults but it has never been something to put me off from him because I always believed that you can truly like/love somebody if you see their faults and are able to accept the person with them, as a whole. In other words, however my vision of him may sound as a fantasy one, I think I've know him well enough to be able to decide that I like him the way he is, with his assets and faults.

So, to sum up, I know it is all over, that nothing really happened in a way and nothing should happen, based on circumstances. I know it's better this way. I have no intention of chasing him. The only logical explanation to me, why I keep longing for him in a way, and why it all still hurts so much is that it must be love from my side. Simply, sentimentally and pathetically for some of you maybe, but this is how I see it.
I have asked for counselling and I am currently on the waiting list but I think I will have to find the money to start it earlier. Just to be able to speed up my 'healing process' because it all eats me just too much.

And one more bit to the people who say I am overindulgent and its all about me me and me. Funny you say that, as I was always told by my friends and two ex counsellors that I need to learn to notice my needs, express them and start putting myself first, not just please all the others around me all the time. It seems like I have made progress in this department...

[MerryMarigold]

Hi dear1. I know you must really be feeling awful at the moment. I don't think it's love though. I think you got caught up in something and it's all become bigger in fantasy than reality (years of longing looks, imagining being with him, memory of the kiss etc.). This can create powerful feelings (infatuation) but they are not based on any much which is real. I think he's well and truly ended this 'relationship', though, so of course there is an element of loss and grief for you. You will get over it, but I think it would help if :
a. You acknowledge that you have created a lot of this fantasy and therefore these feelings, so you are just letting go of something you made yourself. It hurts but you did this to yourself, you chose this.
b. You are much better off than the mess which could have been. Dealing with the mess which would have been - not the fantasy which would have been for 1 night or possibly a month (at most). You are free of that. You are free to find someone where there isn't a huge mess and who will love you properly, and who you can love properly. This is all possible in time.
c. You are free of men for the time being. The first kiss with this guy came soon after your separation, which I'm sure you were not fully over. Here is a time to find yourself, not defined by other men or feelings for other men, or how other men feel about you.

You do not need to find value in yourself in fantasy land, but in reality. In who YOU are. You will find this, and then perhaps you will find someone who falls in love with that person.

[lilywidget]

dear1darling only time will change how you feel.

During that time you can either try to ignore your feelings and distract, distract, distract. This may make them diminish sooner. I don't know.

Or, you can just live through it the best way you can. I didn't actively try to distract myself. If I wanted to think about him or wonder what he was thinking or feeling I did. If I wanted to wonder how it would be if we met again or if he was free, I did.

After three months I found a big change in the intensity of my feelings, by six months an even bigger change had taken place and now nine months on I still think of him but far, far less often and I'm moving on.

The key though is no contact.

If he were to appear in front of me now then I believe physically the attraction would be intense but, emotionally? I don't think so.

You just have to make it through an hour at a time, a day at a time, a week at a time, a month at a time in whatever way you can. Your pain is real, you just have to feel it and get on with your life anyway.

If you need an outlet then keep posting. Better to do that than contact him.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

This isn't about 'your needs' though, OP. You are or have been pursuing this man and you're now saying that you need him to categorically tell you to stop so that you can.

What on earth is wrong with your esteem that you cannot pick up on clues, hints, outright gentle refusal?

It sounds very much to me as if you will wait for the brutal brush-off so that you don't have to take any action right now. This is crazy and you know it.

I know that affairs can happen with a slip-slide of 100 paces but you seem to have 'forced' or at least 'pushed hard' for each one. Does that not tell you anything? I know that you think you haven't but you have, I can read it in your posts.

Leave this man alone; he isn't going to pursue you. Let him be with his family without you trying to distract him. This isn't good for YOU and you're wasting your time and further damaging your self-esteem. Just stop.

[MarshaBrady]

I do feel for you, you sound in emotional turmoil.

He has moved on, and now you've got to try and to the same.

Keep moving, eating, sleeping as well as you can. Try and feel calm, it'll be ok and each day it should hurt less.

But no more contact.

[sonjadog]

I don't think it is love. I think it is inflatuation. I have done something similar to this with men from time to time. It always happens at a time when I am feeling low, am bored and need some stimulation. The times when I feel good about myself, it doesn't happen.

What has happened with me is that I have gotten caught up in the fantasy of the person, of the fulfilling romance we would have, of the interesting life we would lead, of how we would meet and overcome challenges together. Sometimes it becomes so real to me that I forget a little of the reality. I think it comes from having an overactive imagination. In this state it is easy to read extra significance into every comment, glance, text message.

But the reality is different. This man has rejected you several times. He is not with you, he is with his family. He is not running after you. You are not going to get the perfect ending you have in your dreams. All the energy you are wasting on him could be used on a man who is crazy about you, who wants to be with you, who you don't have to chase.

I think the solution is to start looking at this with a clear head. Forget the glances and comments and everything that happened in the past. They are gone and are not coming back. The reality is that he has not chosen you and he does not want contact. This is over and what you had with him is over. You do not need to see or speak to him to gain closure, that's just part of the fantasy. His silence is all the closure you should need.

Then think about what you are missing in your life that has made you get so hung up on this guy and work on changing whatever that is so that you feel more fulfilled in yourself and you don't have to live in this fantasy any more.

[Paloma12]

Good post from sonjadog. I used to be a bit like this, too. I really recommend the book "he's just not that into you". Genuinely changed my life!

[MerryMarigold]

You do not need to see or speak to him to gain closure, that's just part of the fantasy.

Then think about what you are missing in your life that has made you get so hung up on this guy and work on changing whatever that is so that you feel more fulfilled in yourself

Totally agree. Great post, Sonjadog.

[Viviennemary]

It's hard for you. But he's a married man that does not want to stay in contact with you and doesn't want to have an affair. No amount of self delusion is going to alter that. If you think that by carrying on chasing after him sending texts and so on will change things well that's up to you. But really he has said no and that should be the end of it.

[rainbowfeet]

I'd say put yourself in his wife's shoes for just a second... Maybe their marriage wasn't perfect at the time of the kiss & flirting but hey the pressure of having a child with SN can do that to a couple..(speaking with experience)!! He may have for a short time been looking for some escapism (also speaking from experience) but when it came to the wire he chose his wife & children.

As 'heartbroken' as you think you feel would be no comparison to how his wife & children would feel... This man is out of bounds... He was from the start & even more out of bounds now.

Get your dignity in order, pick yourself up & dust yourself down & move on... Lots of us have or are feeling unrequited love but the only way to get over it is to stop moping & mooning over the person.

[scarletforya]

I asked him again if it was all just fun/lust for him and he confirmed that in different circumstances he would want to be in a relationship with me

Ahh come on Op. What did you expect him to say? He told you what you wanted to hear. Can't you see that?

You have him built up as this noble hero. He sounds like just an ordinary man put in an embarrassing situation. He wrongly encouraged you a bit but then backtracked. Sorry but you sound naive. I know you haven't had much experience with men, don't be rewriting it all into some epic romance starring longing but thwarted lovers. It was just a regretted snog and a flurry of ill advised texts.

Forget it and move on.

[trackrBird]

The longing and feeling of lost love is real enough to you: but that doesn't mean it was 'true love' or anything else like that, even though it feels like it now. It's just attachment, limerence or whatever term you prefer, and many people have experienced it thinking it meant more than it did. It's a very strong and sometimes intoxicating experience.

So.....You're now experiencing breakup pain from a relationship that Never Was. I don't think kicking yourself is going to help. I'd recommend putting your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Just write, allow yourself to cry if you want to, listen to music, whatever - but do not, on any account, try to pursue this man in any way. Do this at night, or whenever these overwhelming feelings creep up on you.

More constructively, during the day, do whatever you can to fill your life and make yourself happy. It won't be easy to start with. Keep trying. One day at a time, these thoughts will release their hold on you, and you'll start to emerge into a better, real life.

[Pinkfrocks]

Married men should have close female friends, especially if they have marriage problems...


But not OP close female friends who have the hots for them and want them to run off with them.

Stop being so silly.

For once a married man has done the right thing: looked temptation straight in the eye and turned his back on it.

Now it's your turn to walk away- emotionally.

Find someone single and stop living a Mills & Boon life.

[sonjadog]

I'm a bit curious about that comment.

Why is it so important that men who have marriage problems should have female friends?

[IrianofWay]

I understand why you feel the need for some sort of closure (hate that word but it does the trick). You want him to be honest enough to stand in front of you and say 'this is what I want and this is what I feel'. The sad and frustrating thing is that he won't and even if he did it wouldn't really help. If he said 'yes I loved you but I am not leaving my marriage' you might feel validated but still sad and frustrated. If he said 'I never cared for you' you would be hurt and confused. The only thing that would help you is 'Yes I love you and I am leaving her' - but he has already said that isn't happening.

Let it go. Mourn the loss of the man you fell for and leave their marriage to them.

[IrianofWay]

BTW I had an emotional affair many many years ago. I was married and he was with a serious gf. We got too close and became infatuated with each other - the word is limerence and shit that stuff is hot!! THe feeling that you should be together, that everything else is thin and paltry stuff is comparison, that you were MADE for each other. Weird thing was that I was still in love with my DH and this was just playing to my mind. Sadly he didn't think so and left his gf and fully expected me to do the same but was prepared to wait as long as it took for my divorce!! He didn't see me for dust.

If he has asked me whether I really felt something for him I am not sure I would have known what to say. I am absurdly polite and try to be kind to people - I think I would have told him that of course I did but I had no choice.

FWIW I missed him like mad when I left my job. I missed the feelings he inspired in me. I missed the walking on air. But guess what? It was my DH who was there morning and night, who helped me worm the cat, who was with me in the supermarket doing the shopping, who took the car for it's MOT. THAT is proper grown-up love even if it doesn't make you feel like you've swallowed entinox all the time.

And I got my commupance 2 years ago when DH did the same thing. Ouch!

Affairs are shit.

[MerryMarigold]

Sonja, I assumed it was a typo and meant to say 'shouldn't'.

Curious about this 'limerance' word. Off to google. Is it different from infatuation?

[sonjadog]

Oh, do you think so? I didn't think of that. That would make more sense, certainly.

[Pinkfrocks]

No- should is right because the quote in bold from me was taken from the OP who said...married men should have close female friends.

The question is : why should they??

[MerryMarigold]

Yes pinkfrocks, assumed the OP was a typo as she had quite a lot

[Pinkfrocks]

OP closure doesn't always come packaged as we / you /one would like it.

We have to create our own closure.

I know you want it all neat and tidy so you can draw a line under it, but this guy has effectively run for the hills now and is not looking back.

He's told you there is no way forward. You might want it presented differently as if your depth of feelings deserve more, but the reality is that you crossed a line and now it's all gone belly up.

What you need to focus on is the devastation this relationship would have caused to others had it moved forward. You need to stop fantasising about him being ' the one' and accept that he is already that to another woman.

He behaved badly to let it get that far with you, and so did you.
What you can take from this is a lesson- ask yourself what that lesson is and then make peace with yourself.