In love with a married man :( - loads of romantic crap, but still it's my life...

[dear1darling]

May I just start with a warning - you will need some time to read this, it is long but I just wanted to include as many details as possible, to show how things are. I really need support...:(

My story is so typical and so cliche that sometimes I cannot believe it is MY problem as I always perceived myself as a down to earth woman, resistant to soap opera type of romance... but here I am, in the middle of something that changed my life.

I am a 36 year old woman, separated 2 years ago after 10 years of marriage (drinking husband), one DD. I had 2 serious relationships in my life and always very strong morals – never even had the temptation to cheat, always very careful and very sensible with men. So far I have slept with 4 man, never had a one night stand. Never ever I would imagine im my life that I can fall for a married man...
4 years ago I met a guy, he was employed by my company. He is 39 now, really nice guy, I liked from the beginning but just as a friend. It wasn’t anything special or intense, just a work colleague who I’ve always liked talking to. He is married with two little kids. His little girls has some sort of disability but I do not know how serious it is, she looks quite normal and healthy.
Once, at the party when the company was celebrating the big success he kissed me. He wanted to have sex and asked if he could come to mine later in the week. I liked it but obviously refused, bearing in mind his family and my rules. We talked about it later and both agreed it was a mistake, he apologised and explained that he was just wasted and I said the same. We never discussed that since.

It happened about 2 years ago and for the next couple of months our contact was just friendly, we were just work colleagues, there were days at work when we didn’t even talk and everything seemed to be normal and healthy. But I started to notice that there is something in the air and started feeling some sort of bond with that man. I tried to look at it realistically and kept thinking that he is just unavailable but I couldn’t deny that I like him more and more and he seemed to behave as if he felt similar. Hundreds of longing looks, smiles, little chats, all the obvious signs of body language. Everything very discreet because I felt so guilty about the fact that I fancy a married man and didn’t want people at work to notice anything and gossip and so on. Finally we started texting but these text messages were just friendly and not regular, a couple of texts maybe 2-3 times a month. I started texting him because the only logical explanation of his behaviour for me was the idea that he is a middle aged man, bored in marriage who probably wants sex and he hasn’t got any serious feelings towards me. I thought that if that’s the case – then I will be able to look at him as yet another jerk/bored in marriage guy, maybe dislike him and I will finally be able to move on from that situation. It all started to affect my work in a way as I couldn’t stop thinking about him and this odd situation, so I just wanted some confrontation.

In the meantime I found out that his wife works a lot, that he spends lots of time on his own with the kids, that his wife doesn’t give him too much freedom and he does a lot to please her. All these bits were coming from mutual friends naturally, I wasn’t asking about him, he was never complaining. We have never met outside work.
One day, after work, he just left the letter of resignation at our manager’s desk. Everybody was shocked that he did it because he is very successful at work and much liked and respected. People kept gossiping what happened, how come he could have left such a good job. The official version was that he wants to slow down his career for a while and focus on family, they sold the house and decided to move away to a different county. From what I’ve heard his new job is less paid and less challenging, people at work kept talking that he is making a massive mistake. However, he has never discussed that with anyone and when I asked him about it he just smiled in a bizarre way and said that he is looking forward to starting a new chapter, but I felt like it was just a polite answer to let me know he just doesn’t want to discuss that.
I was very upset when I found out that he’s leaving. I realised I will miss him and I just couldn’t imagine the company without him and , myself not being able to see him and chat to him. I had to admit that I like so much about that man - his intelligence, the fact that he is so composed, so diplomatic, always knows what to say and how to behave, not mentioning his sense of humour. There is and always was that natural flow when we talk, and we just feel so comfortable together. Still, I felt so guilty about being this way as I do not have the right to feel anything to a man who is married and with kids. His appearance is not my usual ‘type’ but I feel so strongly attracted to him, I just love both his looks and his personality. Obviously I was fantasizing about sex with him and felt both great and horrible doing it.
His leaving party was one of the most horrible experiences in my life. We all went to the same place that we kissed 2 years ago and the history, in a way, did repeat but without anything physical this time. We just talked, he was upset and stressed. I found the courage to tell him how I feel about him. I told him I have feelings for him and I feel both wonderful and horrible about it, and mostly guilty. I told him that I never wanted just sex so I would like him just to be honest with me and tell me that he just likes me as a friend and maybe has the hots for me, so I could move on. He was shocked, just told me that I know he has a family and cannot do anything against them.

I gave him a hug and went back home and cried half of the night. And then he started texting... we both started writing about how we feel about each other, how we dreamed and fantasized about each other. I felt like a slapper but I agreed to meet with him next day... but we never met. He had second thoughts and so had I. We spoke on the phone and texted again and he said that he had imagined our life together, he was thinking how it would be if we could live together, have children and make love every day. I was shocked, I would have never thought that he can see it all and feel it all in the same way, and so much intense as I do. I always saw him as a composed and rather reserved person, so for me it was so unexpected in a way, as if he finally let himself open to me and tell what really is in his head and suddenly he just stopped texting as if he just realised he said too much and/or he just cannot/shouldn’t feel this way.
On the next day he sent me a long message saying that we cannot carry on, that if we do, it will end in pain and misery for too many people, that there are children involved. He said that he takes full responsibility and apologises for it all and hopes that I can forgive him. I asked him again if it was all just fun/lust for him and he confirmed that in different circumstances he would want to be in a relationship with me.
He promised to meet with me once again, just to talk, in public place but it never happened, either. He just stopped texting, calling. I texted him a couple of times, emailed him and phoned him twice. All within 3 weeks, so I do not feel like I am stalking him. No response. All I wanted was to say goodbye, didn’t want him to change his mind, didn’t want to drag him to bed, no matter how much I want him.
I do not know what to do with myself. It has been nearly two months and I just cannot cope with all these emptiness, I miss him so much, I’d just like to see him or talk to him. On the other hand I know I have no right to do it, that I shouldn’t be even a friend to him as I do not believe in true and clear friendship between man and woman, it always leads to something. Married men should have close female friends, especially if they have marriage problems...
I know that he has been in a way unfaithful to his wife already... he haven’t had sex but our contact, these text messages and confessions are in a way like an emotional cheating. And for me, as a woman, that would be even worse... I do feel guilty, I keep beating myself about it all but still my feelings towards him are stronger than this guilt. I can refrain from sleeping with him and I try my best not to contacts with him anymore. But I cannot stop feeling the way I feel about him.
I am more than aware that if he would ever want to do anything with me, he should sort out his life and problems first. I would never want to be the other woman and I’d never want his wife or family to suffer. If he told me that he still loves his wife and want to try to save their marriage – I’d understand and wouldn’t leave him alone. I know I cannot be even friends with him but I just want some kind of closure to be able to sort it all out in my head.

I do not know what to do with feeling towards him, with all the longing, all the sense of guilt. For some reason and against all the logic I feel like I might have lost somebody who could be my true love... I am so unhappy and such a mess now...

[CharlotteCollins]

Your first mistake was to think that you could never fall for a married man. Well, of course you can. Feelings happen.

Your second, now, is to believe that there is a way to make the feelings stop. A little routine to follow which'll make it all end and you can walk away with no ill effects.

Be honest with yourself: you're enjoying those feelings too much, at the moment, to want them to stop. It's all romantic and lovesick and - makes you feel special.

Closure needs to come from you. If you pine for months, you are more likely to do something silly. Best thing to do, is stop thinking about him as soon as you realise you are doing it. Distract yourself; choose something better.

Because tbh it sounds like you are a woman of high morals... but only if it's easy. Only if there are no tough decisions to make.

[AwakeCantSleep]

dear I have been in your position. Madly in love with a married man (me being single). Except we were engaged in a brief affair. There were feelings involved on both sides. Breaking it off was the hardest thing I have ever done (and I believe it was the same for him). I never got closure. Yes, the affair was wrong of course, he cheated on his wife and I was complicit. But that doesn't invalidate our feelings.

All I can say is it will get better. I am almost 10 months on now from breaking it off. At first I couldn't think of anything else. I was ill, confused and desperately sad. These days I still think of him but the pain has gone. We have had no contact at all which has helped (although it was incredibly hard in the beginning).

Don't hold out for closure - you won't get it. All this thinking through various scenarios - what is their marriage like, are they just staying together for the kids, what would he do if he was free to pursue me, why did he change his job, was it because he loves me and needed to get away, ... Really not helpful. Allow yourself to heal. It will take however long it takes but you will get there and you'll look back on this period in your life and say to yourself "what was I thinking?!???". Good luck.

[pictish]

He just stopped texting, calling. I texted him a couple of times, emailed him and phoned him twice. All within 3 weeks, so I do not feel like I am stalking him. No response.

That's your answer. He told he wasn't going to pursue things with you, then gave you radio silence. He could not have been any clearer.

Perhaps he did have a fancy for you...but then he decided on measure that he valued his wife and family far more than that, and cried off.

Finito.

Now dust yourself off and try to move on. All this speculation and yearning is not good for you at all.

[Reepits]

I never read your post, but I congratulate you for using paragraphs.

[badbaldingballerina123]

he's been very clear what he thinks about you. He communicated this clearly to you at the first party where he asked you if he could come over later in the week for a fuck. You were flattered by this when you should have been offended.

It sounds like there's been very little input from his side , apart from the offer of sex , and a few fantasy grow old together type messages that were probably only said in the expectation of sexual conversations. Harsh but probably true.

It sounds like you've built this up into some sort of fantasy. Is something else going on in your life at the moment ?

[scottishmummy]

You flattered him,he reciprocated to a degree.and then got cold feet.hence the silence
So dust yourself down,stop mooning about like a giddy teen about the one
Change jobs.Go date a single man,some who's freely able to date and reciprocate

[MillyDots]

He left this job to leave you. I guess he must love his wife as he has chosen to stay with her and their children.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

He's not into you. You have your closure.

And thank fuck for that because your attitude to his 'disabled but normal looking child' - the child you would like to become a stepmother to - is questionable to say the least.

[dear1darling]

You have no idea about my attitude to his children or any children, special needs or perfectly healthy. Don't pick on the word normal - obviously you must have a problem with this particular word. I will not go into guessing why, although I might have some theory about people who are obsessed with that word for various reasons.
Yes, maybe I should have used inverted commas, I just wanted to say that his daughter has a problem of physical sort but it cannot be very serious as she is no different to an average child of her age, mentally I know she is perfectly healthy.

[MillyDots]

His wife may already know about the texts and contact and that is why he has left his job and gone no contact with you. She may see all the emails and texts you send.

[scottishmummy]

He moved job,moved country.that speaks volumes.
Stop mooning about the one.it wasnt an open equitable relationship.it was a secret fling
The one relationships,aren't secretive,or angst with someone else husband

[Thumbwitch]

I have to say that I agree - he has told you pretty clearly that he doesn't want to continue with contact. He's stood you up, effectively, a couple of times - can you really not see that he doesn't want to meet you alone?

It really doesn't matter why. There is no good outcome from him meeting you. You say you don't want him to be unfaithful, so what the fuck DO you want from him? You clearly can't be "just friends" with all this frissoning going on, so you're going to spend the rest of your days fantasising over what could have been, either with him there or with him not there?! What kind of life is that?

Get over him, get out and meet more people and forget about this one. He has done the honourable thing (after his first completely dishonourable suggestion!) and left a potentially damaging situation - leave him alone now.

[MillyDots]

You are being a bunny boiler.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Yeah, I might have some theory about people who deliberately target other peoples partners too.

You have no idea about the severity of his child's condition. You have - what? A few hot and heavy texts and an offer of midweek sex. Maybe a photo or two in a desk. You are not in this man's life. And you need to move on.

[dear1darling]

Seriously???
Is sending a guy 3 texts and an email within 3 weeks after he promised to meet and asked me to wait for him to get in touch making me a bunny bolier?
I stopped any form of contact with him a month ago, I've already said that.
I just still feel tormented by it all, this is why I am looking for some sort of support on anonymus discussion board...
Just to clarify...
He has moved to a different county, not country.
He left job before he knew about me having feelings for him. He could suspect that I do like him but wasn't sure. I was avoiding him at work and he even asked why I was doing it. I didn't want to temptation to take over. If I wanted to sleep with him or 'get close to him I would be able to create hundred of opportunities to do it for the past 2 years. I wouldn't even stay in the same room with him alone for longer...
His wife doesn't know, he deleted everything and we only texted when she was at work...

[Thumbwitch]

There really is nothing to torment yourself with, because there is no good outcome for this situation re. you and him.
Either you end up having the affair, which makes him a cheat;
or he leaves his wife and children, including the disabled-but-not-so's-you'd-notice DD, which makes him pretty low;
or something ghastly happens to his family so that he is free to be with you but would be broken by the loss of his family.

Which one are you after?

[dear1darling]

Deliberately target.
You just read and see what you want...
I really wish that it was all that simple and black and white in terms of emotions involved as it is for some people commenting in this tread.
I appreciate most of the comments, the harsh ones and the supportive ones but I do not understand the ones that add nothing to the thread, apart from pouring someones frustrated and angry visions over my head.
I honestly congratulate you LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett for being successfull at making me feel even more crap now. Hope that satisfies you.

[dear1darling]

Thumbwitch I know that every outcome is rubbish. I know that whatever happens, there is pain included for someone, or for everybody. I do now I need to let it go, but it all keeps coming back to me with the question why, why me, why this way, what if, when will I finally have something that works out in my life...
I just keep thinking why is this happening to me... I have had so much pain in my own marriage yet I always tried to be fair on my ex and on people in general. I have been on antidepressants for a couple of years, had financial problems, have issues with health and with my own child's upbringing as well. And eventually, in the middle of it all, I had to fall for someone who cannot give me anything,m yet I seem being unable to fall out of this. I just dont' feel sometimes like I can handle much more pain and disappointment anymore.

[SierpinskiNumber]

You should delete all his contact details and all the messages that he ever sent you. There is no need for you to have them now that you know he doesn't want any contact.

I think sending more than one or two texts is a bit OTT but what is done is done.

Give yourself some time to enjoy your kids and your own company. You have only been separated for two years, there is no rush to find a man.

Good luck

[MissMalonex2]

I think you are humiliating yourself and will look back in this in a couple of years and cringe at your attempts to get together with an unavailable married man. Maybe you should get some counselling? You are kidding yourself about what is possible here. Move on, leave him alone and work on improving yourself

[badbaldingballerina123]

Look , you didn't have a relationship. It was a fantasy , and nothing really happened between you. You don't know the real reasons why he left work and you don't know what his wife does or doesn't know. It really does sound like you've built this up into something it isn't. A man who suggests coming over for a fuck is going to tell lies.

I understand its hurtful and confusing that you've had these conversations and he's said he's got feelings ect. But whether they were real feelings or not doesn't really matter. What does matter is that you got involved emotionally with someone who wasn't emotionally available to you , and in doing so you've made yourself vulnerable. Also talk of morals is no good when it is literally just talk.

As with the end of any relationship or friendship , you need to move on.I think the first step would be to look at the bigger picture , why you got involved with him in the first place. Are you happy with your seperation ? Are you happy with life in general ? I often wonder if there is a reason people get involved with people who aren't available.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Hurt people hurt people. Things sound tough for you. Maybe the thought of you and him was a welcome distraction , an escape of sorts , from the other things that are going on.

[Sylvana]

I agree with others who said he was only ever interested in casual sex. He didn't get it and backed off. Now you have revealed your true feelings he has backed off completely and doesn't want to know. You have no option but to forget about him, however painful that is going to be.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Op I've just noticed that you've been separated for two years but have known this guy for four years. Did your feelings about this guy have any bearing on your separation ?

[Thumbwitch]

Ok, I understand that. (sorry, got interrupted so this is going to be a late response now!)

You need to break the train of thoughts of "what if" and stop thinking about him somehow - if that takes counselling, then that might be what you need to do. I don't believe in "the one" - I had a friend who kept thinking she'd found "the one" and there were several of them! None of them were "the one" though.