I have no idea what to do about my ex-DH and DDs

[LoafersOrLouboutins]

I was with my (now ex) DH for 13 years, we met at uni and divorced last year. ExDH is Iranian, I'm white British. Cultural differences were never an issue for us and ExDH wasn't a practising Muslim by any means; he drinks alcohol and we lived together for years before getting married. He loves Iranian food and music so it was more the Iranian culture which was a part of our lives than DH family's religious beliefs. We have two DDs together (ages 5 and 2) and we were very happy, DH was very supportive of my choice to go back to work full time 3months after each DD was born and I was fine with him working away often. Then when DD2 was 7months old he just broke down and said he couldn't carry on with the way things were, it felt wrong to him and he felt like he was failing our DDs. I tried my best to get to the heart of the matter but a week of blazing arguments followed, I left our home in London with our DDs to stay with my parents in the countryside for the weekend. I would often do this when DH was working away and I told him it was to get away from the arguments but we would all be back on the Monday. I did return on the Monday to find DH had packed his things and gone to Iran. He rang me a few weeks later and spoke to our DDs on the phone, we were raising DD1 to be bi-lingual so he spoke to her in Farsi, I'm not sure what he said and she has never told me (although I'm not sure if she remembers it now). ExDH has since inundated me with emails of his love whilst divorcing me(!) and rings me at all hours to cry about how he misses our DDs. DD2 doesn't remember him but DD1 does and misses him a lot, she goes to a weekend Farsi club and we still do Iranian cultural things but she wants her daddy. I KNOW it would be hugely unsafe and irresponsible of me to take them to Iran, which is what my exDH begs me to do as he says we could start a new life there, (Betty Mahmoody comes to mind) but I feel like I'm failing my DDs. They're missing out on their father, who still loves him and a part of their identity. I'm so angry with my exDH but I also don't know what to do. I'm really struggling with being a single parent and I feel torn in three directions; my parents, myDDs and my exDH. Sorry if that was a rant and possibly should have been posted on the relationships board. Any advice?

If he wants to see his dds that much then he will come back here.

I'm someone that would love to visit Iran and having close Iranian friends I know a fair bit about their culture, and I like it a lot.

Even though you say you know it would be unwise to take your dds to Iran, I will just reiterate how very very unwise that would be. You will have absolutely no protection out there. Unless you had a Muslim wedding ceremony you won't even be recognised as his wife, and at the very least you and your children would be forced, by law, into wearing headscarves all the time.

I think it would be a much bigger failing for you dds if you were to take them away from a free and tolerant society into one where they will be oppressed. From what you have said it seems quiet obvious that your ex wants you to bring the dds to him so that he can have them, because if he's divorcing you, he doesn't want you.

Anyway, it's not you that's failing your dds, you aren't the one that's abandoned them.

All you can do is keep going and trying to build a new life for yourself here where you are all safe. Single parenthood will get easier as your children get older. It really will.

He abandoned you and your girls and now he is crying he misses them? What's stopping him returning and being a father to them?

Wild horses would not induce me to take my children to Iran in your shoes and I'm speaking as a Muslim woman.

You need to gather support here and get thro this divorce, he doesn't want to be married to you anymore and is being very mentally abusive. You and your girls are your priority now. Forget him and don't read his emails or take his calls, tell him to call at a specific time if he wants to talk to the girls and only pick up then, get a friend/family member to filter emails and only deal with queries regarding the children and the divorce and do it at a set time per week, not everyday to save your sanity.

There isn't anything stopping him from returning and being a father :(. I've offered for him to come and see us in London, I even said he could stay with us if he wants to get the most time as possible with our DDs. He refused so I offered to meet him in a different country, but not Iran. I thought Berlin would be a good meeting ground as my dad works there quite often so my DDs would have their grandfather too of things got too emotional for them. He doesn't want me, it's like something in him just switched off but, realistically, he must have been feeling this way about me for months before he broke down. I've heard so many horror stories of people taking their children to Iran and they go straight to the custody of their father, it is deportation for the mother and I would only be able to leave the country with my exDH's permission. Most of my friends are childless so they don't really understand how it feels to have a child cry for their father or the sheer pain of being left by a husband, my friends who do have children are still with their partners so I feel bad for my DDs whenever we meet up with them. The filtering emails an phone calls is a great idea, thank you. How do I explain to my DDs that they're not going to see daddy? I'm cautious of putting too much blame on him (although if the bastard would just visit us in London we wouldn't have this problem) but I don't want them to resent me? I live in fear they may 'rebel' by going to Iran alone when they're older, but it really isn't safe to take them as children either. We didn't have a Muslim wedding ceremony and he said when he first left me that 'I left you, not our children' so I KNOW he doesn't want me, he just wants to have our DDs in Iran, but if he truly loved them he would never have left them, surely? Thank you for the advice, my parents are fabulous grandparents and very supportive but they tend to worry more than actually being practical.

Do not go there! If you do, he gets custody and you're deported and the children cry for you, would he return them?!!

You are not failing them - you are doing your best to rebuild your life and include their father's culture in their's.

Declarations of love whilst divorcing and the phone calls; declarations of love to the children whilst leaving them - definitely get contact on to a more formal footing, and keep on with what you are doing.

Do NOT give in to this emotional blackmail. He left his daughters, there's nothing stopping him coming back and behaving like a father to them.

Just tell your girls that daddy lives in Iran now.

Your girls will rally round and be fine, kids adapt, start creating happy memories for yourselves do fun things together especially ones you couldn't whilst he was around. Be happy and your girls will be too. I know it sounds tough but its not impossible.

If he were a good loving father he would never have abandoned his children, he did leave his children the day he walked out on both you and your girls. Would you do that in his shoes? I bet not!

I agree with all the above posters - I can see exactly hat he's doing. Trying to make you feel guilty so that you'll take the dc's there and you'll end up leaving Iran without them.
Build a better life here in the uk without him. Being a single parent really isn't that bad!

Just to agree with PP - do not go and give your children to this man who is emotionally blackmailing you.

HE CHOSE TO LEAVE YOU

Let him go. Arrange phonecalls at a certain time on certain days of the week and establish contact with him and the children via phone/skype.

If he wants to see them in person, then he can come and visit you IN THE UK.

Good luck with the Divorce. Try Gingerbread for advice on being a single parent and they also have local meet ups for single parents to make friends/support/get out of the house.

I appreciate that it can't be easy, but you are doing the right thing.

Do you think there's a risk that he's insisting your DD's go to Iran so he can take them from you and keep them there?

He left the UK and left them behind, if he's missing them that much he can come back to see them.

Unless you're prepared to recreate Betty Mahmoody's story, possibly without the happy ending, I really wouldn't go. You've offered London, you've offered Berlin. If he won't meet in the middle he can't be that desperate to see them.

Do not go there.

Talk to Reunite www.reunite.org/

Make sure you follow their advice.

I'm seven years in Court down the line with this, at all costs you need to keep all proceedings in the UK, that means he visits here.

Don't believe a word he says. He is manipulating you.
If he loved his DDs he would come to visit them, he would not have left.
do not, under any circumstances, take them to Iran.
Make sure you have their passports securely hidden.

It's already been said and you already know it. But please don't take your children to Iran. My best friend is Iranian and married but not in a Muslim ceremony and she won't take her kids to Iran. She's worried they'll be taken away because they're not legally married.

If your girls have passports, I'd be keeping them well hidden as well. There are just too many horror stories.

It sounds to me like you've given your ex plenty of options and opportunities to see your dd's and he's not willing to do any of them.

Do not be swayed by the guilt trip!

If h e really loved his children and wanted to see them, he would visit. Under no circumstances should you take them to Iran. Honestly? It sounds like he's trying to wear you down with the emotional black mail and sob stories until you give in and take them, and then I would bet my house that you would either never seen them again, or not be allowed to leave yourself.

Kids are not stupid, at some point they will realise that daddy had the option of visiting them, and he chose not to.

Could you take the children's passports and put then in a safety deposit box at the bank so that he can't find if he comes to the UK.

You know not to take the children to Iran under any circumstances.

1. Do not under any circumstances allow DDs to visit him in Iran.

1. Apply for their passports and keep them locked away.

1. Carry on doing what you can to protect your children, perhaps just tell them that daddy had to go back to Iran to work.

He truly doesn't care about your children's welfare. If he did he wouldn't have left as he did. If he wanted to them he could come back to their home. He doesn't want to do that, he wants to get you and the children in a country where you have no rights.

You are not failing your children . You are protecting them.

You would be failing them if you knowingly put them in a situation which would results in them being forcibly taken from their mother.

Does he have an extended family in Iran? I wouldn't be at all surprised if they are also pressurising him to get his daughters over to Iran so they can be "brought up properly by the family" or similar bollocks. No way would I take them there and I say this as someone married to a North African muslim who does take the DC to his home country. Iran is a different situation.

Just musing really, but if OP locks the passports away and then the sad applies for new passports saying they're lost (assuming he has photos) -what would happen?

Loafers, I read your OP and your other reply.

I wanted to respond as fast as possible so I haven't read any of the replies yet, sorry if I am repeating anything here (I am sure I am)

Firstly, I beg you, please please please do not under any circumstances, take your children to Iran. Do not take them out of this country to meet him. Under ANY circumstances. If he cared a jot, he would come to them.

Okay, I think I made myself clear on that one.

This story is very close to my heart. My story is similar, except I was the DD2. My father pretty much did this to us.

For the record, my mum used the excuse that he was "working" abroad, and I just accepted that. Really, I knew they were divorced, as I had found the papers when I was really little. I understood that they were not together and it did not bother me. My older sister, like your DD1 was effected more at the time, as she was closer to him. But we just accepted it and in the main, forgot about him. My mum would warn us occasionally, that if we ever saw him near our home, never to go anywhere with him. She was terrified of abduction.

Anyway fast forward 20 odd years, my mum, my sister and I are so very very close. Us sisters have never blamed our mother, ever. We have nothing but respect for her. We know that if our father really cared for us, he would have come back to us.

And the same is true in this case. What is stopping him from coming back here? Do not trust this man. He up and left without any warning - to another country! He abandoned his own children. Can you really trust him? Is he paying money towards their keep?

Sorry, I hope this message makes sense.

There isn't anything stopping him from returning and being a father

Well there you are then. That's your answer. you are certainly not stopping him. He is crying and begging to make you feel guilty. If you go to Iran to supposedly try again on your marriage you risk being parted from your children forever. You KNOW that. why are you even wasting time listening to this nonsense?

He had a life here in the UK with you, for THIRTEEN years. nothing is separating him from his children but his won choices. If his urge to return to Iran was stronger than his urge to stay with his children then that's his problem, not yours. He knows where they are if he wants them.

I imagine he is having his head filled with all sorts of nonsense from his parents about getting the children there, and then it will be Bye Bye Loafers his way or the highway.

Don't be stupid.

Agree with PP, he is manipulating you.

You are doing the right thing. I can speak from experience. We had a wonderful childhood, full of happy memories. My mum was (and still is) the best mother and father rolled into one that I could ever ask for. It was hard for her, yes, but she did a wonderful job with us

He used to have fleeting visits, and these visits are the bad memories from my childhood.

Anyway, please stay strong, you can do it.

Don't let those children out of your sight!!

How transparent and what an absolute shit

Do your DDs have passports? Keep them in a lockbox at a trusted family members house along with their birth certs. Keep saying in a bored tone or preferably in writing, sorry can't come to Iran, come to London. Don't get drawn into any arguments or love declarations, 'that's nice dear' in a bored tone will suffice. Don't give him bullets to shoot you with.

XH is from Asia and when we first split he made some threats to take DS somewhere I would never be allowed to take him from dick. Anyway I freaked out majorly, and this is what I was advised to do. So this is what we have always done. They were idle threats and made while he was under the influence in the heat of the moment but the consequences are he is not allowed to take DS on holiday or have access to his documents, and has to stay at my mums with him the 2 or 3 days a week he sees him. He understands it's his own making so doesn't kick up a fuss.

I hope this all works out for you. He chose to leave you and his daughters and go to another country. That was his choice, it's not your problem.

The passport thing is a good point.

I'd have thought that it would be important to apply for passports if the children don't already have them, so that they come to you and he can't apply for them without your knowledge.

I've no idea what would happen if he applied for new passports if they already have them, but I'd think it would be easier to apply for first passports rather than replacements. There's a chance he has already applied for Iranian ones.