I have no idea what to do about my ex-DH and DDs

[LoafersOrLouboutins]

I was with my (now ex) DH for 13 years, we met at uni and divorced last year. ExDH is Iranian, I'm white British. Cultural differences were never an issue for us and ExDH wasn't a practising Muslim by any means; he drinks alcohol and we lived together for years before getting married. He loves Iranian food and music so it was more the Iranian culture which was a part of our lives than DH family's religious beliefs. We have two DDs together (ages 5 and 2) and we were very happy, DH was very supportive of my choice to go back to work full time 3months after each DD was born and I was fine with him working away often. Then when DD2 was 7months old he just broke down and said he couldn't carry on with the way things were, it felt wrong to him and he felt like he was failing our DDs. I tried my best to get to the heart of the matter but a week of blazing arguments followed, I left our home in London with our DDs to stay with my parents in the countryside for the weekend. I would often do this when DH was working away and I told him it was to get away from the arguments but we would all be back on the Monday. I did return on the Monday to find DH had packed his things and gone to Iran. He rang me a few weeks later and spoke to our DDs on the phone, we were raising DD1 to be bi-lingual so he spoke to her in Farsi, I'm not sure what he said and she has never told me (although I'm not sure if she remembers it now). ExDH has since inundated me with emails of his love whilst divorcing me(!) and rings me at all hours to cry about how he misses our DDs. DD2 doesn't remember him but DD1 does and misses him a lot, she goes to a weekend Farsi club and we still do Iranian cultural things but she wants her daddy. I KNOW it would be hugely unsafe and irresponsible of me to take them to Iran, which is what my exDH begs me to do as he says we could start a new life there, (Betty Mahmoody comes to mind) but I feel like I'm failing my DDs. They're missing out on their father, who still loves him and a part of their identity. I'm so angry with my exDH but I also don't know what to do. I'm really struggling with being a single parent and I feel torn in three directions; my parents, myDDs and my exDH. Sorry if that was a rant and possibly should have been posted on the relationships board. Any advice?

Just chiming in to say that while I think it is a good thing that you are moving, please don't assume the cost of living will be lower in Devon - transport costs are high in rural areas and the housing - while certainly cheaper than London - can still be expensive as it is a desirable area.

All that said, I would give my eye teeth to live down there again so enjoy!

Another idea, OP - if in the short term your DH kicks off about Devon and you want another 'reassuring' thing to say to keep him quiet - how about you say something like: 'I would think you would understand me wanting to be nearer my parents now we are alone, and thought also that you would be pleased that the DDs are now living in a safer, more traditional, more rural area, near one set of their grandparents - I would have thought that you would approve of such a thing as in keeping with your own ideas for how they should be raised.'

That might be a VERY useful sentence to have emailed him that you could pull out of the hat at some point in the future.