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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friends staying with GF baby - driving me insane!

114 replies

fp · 26/03/2002 20:43

We have some friends staying with us since Sunday for a week. They have a 7 month baby boy who is VERY strictly on the CLB routine. My children are 2yrs+2 months and 8 weeks. Needless to say things are a bit hectic and unpredictable in our house at the moment. And I'm fairly laid back, let my kids find their own routine and its not as if they are up all night, in fact they both sleep well.
First of all our friends asked if we have blackout curtains (after they arrived) and were a bit put out when we said we didnt have any. Their son has woken up at 6 both mornings. We cant go out when we want in case their son falls asleep in the car and sleeps at the wrong time, my daughter missed playgroup today as a result. They asked to come and we said yes as we thought it would be fun with all the babies and at least we have a granny flat so they are staying there and eating and spending the day in our house (no granny right now!).
They are insisting we follow these routines down to the nearest 5 mins. I had never seen this in action and it is going to drive me mad by the end of the week (they are here till Saturday). I am already on the verge of wanting them to leave as they are being all preachy about this and trying to make me di it with my baby who is sleeping really well, they say it would make him happier but I dont want to.
Should I tell them they are driving me mad, and ask them to lay off, or grin and bear it. Needless to say I am driving my dh insane going on about it. They are REALLY good friends and we have known ewch other for 15 years, I dont want to ruin the friendship but if they dont stop telling me how to bring up my kids I dont think I will ever want to see them again!

OP posts:
Pupuce · 04/04/2002 15:37

Enjoy the flowers... you might think of sending them the From Contented baby to confident child by Gina Ford !!!

sis · 04/04/2002 15:40

sorry, fp, but I think it's really funny! it just shows that you did the right thing by letting off steam on mumsnet and were the hostess with the mostest with your guests.
Enjoy the flowers

fp · 05/04/2002 20:31

And can you beleive it - through the post today, a CLBB AND the newer one about programming your toddler or whatever. Being facetious sorry! I'd read the CLBB before so didn't look at it, scanned the other one which looked worse (I'd LOVE to have her in my house with my toddler for just 5 mins!!!!) and we have just had a ritual burning in the fireplace (dh's idea) and it felt SOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOD!!! Even if you are into this, never send it to someone who's not interested. It's a waste of good trees.
Hope none of you who are happy with the book are offended. But we had a lot of fun!!

OP posts:
JJ · 05/04/2002 22:08

Now, now.. I'm sure she meant well. Because the flowers were the thank you gift, though, I think that you probably need to send her something back. Since you're a little upset, I've had a look and have a couple of suggestions: maybe this ? Or for the kids, this ? Those should be appropriate; staying with the spirit of self and child improvement (with the latter suggestion, she'll need it as it obviously doesn't come naturally to her).

I'm so sorry for your ordeal. My husband and I thought the burning of the books was hilarious, though. Keep us updated if anything else happens. You handled it all very admirably, I think.

tigermoth · 05/04/2002 22:08

fp, I'm glad you've kept your sense of humour. I'm sure it will help see you through this difficult patch with your friend. I think it's a credit to you both that you are still on good terms, despite your different approaches to routines etc.

Years ago, I happened to share a flat with a committed anarchist couple. After a messy break up with a boyfriend, they took to leaving meaningful anarchist women-orientated pamphlets around the living room. I knew they meant well, but I so wished our flat had been blessed with a working fireplace to deposit their thoughtful literature

PS your dh sounds wonderful!

WideWebWitch · 06/04/2002 10:02

JJ, very funny book suggestions!

Rozzy · 06/04/2002 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

susanmt · 06/04/2002 12:06

ROFL jj!!!!! !!!
Wish I had the guts to do it!! But I think I do have to stay friends with them. I am tempted to try them with the Continuum Concept or 3 ina bed, but I have more manners than that!! What should I say if she asks me what I thought of the books!
And my dh IS amazing!! In every way

Rioja · 06/04/2002 13:28

Tell her you burnt them - which I think is just as weird as trying to encourage a friend to use a baby care book. Then you'll be even.

JoAnne427 · 06/04/2002 13:29

OMG! I can't believe she actually sent you the books! Wow. I really really really think you should send them JJ's suggestion - most definitely the first one!

SueW · 06/04/2002 15:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

bossykate · 06/04/2002 15:13

susanmt, are you also fp? just looks like you are replying to JJ's post to fp... little sleep last night maybe i'm just confused!

Rozzy, Zoe - thanks for sharing your positive experiences. what a relief to know it doesn't always go horribly wrong!

susanmt · 06/04/2002 15:24

Kate - no I'm not! But I was following the thread with great interest as a friend of mine has gone on and on at me about the book and I can't meet her at certain times because of it etc .... and she sent me a copy of it this week too! I think in MY sleep deprived state (7 weeker on a growth spurt, no sleep last night as toddler coughed all night) that I thought it was for me!! Sorry to cause any confusion.

susanmt · 06/04/2002 15:25

Maybe I should burn my copy of it too though? Was it that much fun, fp?

susanmt · 06/04/2002 15:26

Can you be two people at once? That WOULD be fun!

bossykate · 06/04/2002 16:49

i have also been following this thread with interest - but from 180 degree opposite perspective! we are pro gf and what i have to contend with are lots of anti comments bordering on the downright offensive, e.g. "fascist", "nazi" to name but a couple. the obvious inference is that i am a "fascist" or "nazi" - sheesh! i am amazed by people's tactlessness (if that's what it is!).

i find it totally surprising that people have that much energy to worry about other people's parenting styles (whether pro or anti gf) to the extent that they are actively pressing a certain book/theory or whatever in the face of another mother's indifference or antipathy. i suppose as has been mentioned on this thread it comes from insecurity!

with respect to fp's issue, i think it must be very difficult to spend a week with another family without various parenting related friction arising, whether it be gf, bedtimes, TV, manners or whatever. hence my concern about our forthcoming group holiday - thanks to rozzy and zoe for allaying my fears somewhat!

needless to say i will not be a gf proselytiser on holiday - i wouldn't dream of trying to force it on anyone - but i will be feeding my baby when he is hungry, putting him down when he is tired and generally trying to minimise disruption and discomfort to him. i think the fact that he established his routine with reference to gf rather than developing it himself is irrelevant at this stage!

fp - not meant to be a dig at you, clearly you had a miserable week, and i think your friend was out of line to keep commenting on your mothering. i suppose i wanted to make the point that not all gf'ers are fanatical about it and that sometimes it is they who are on the receiving end of the constant comments!

susanmt - sleep deprivation is a terrible thing! i think you can post under more than one nickname, people have sometimes referred to doing this on the site, didn't mean to accuse you of any deviousness - i am SO tired today!

well, glad i got that off my chest! thanks for listening.

Enid · 06/04/2002 16:52

come on susanmt, you can come clean to us, we won't mind!!

CAM · 06/04/2002 18:59

How can people call themselves pro-gf or anti-gf re parenting? Aren't all parents just pro-their own children? Personally I have never followed a baby "guru" in my life and have barely read any baby books beyond what happens physically during pregnancy and labour, etc. Also have asked my mother what she used to do with us. However good luck to people who feel they have found something which gives them good guidance.

bossykate · 06/04/2002 19:16

come off it, cam! words like "fascist" and "nazi" sound pretty anti to me. what about the title of this thread? not to mention the extensive discussion on this site... of course i am pro my ds!

i will never forgive myself if i start yet another discussion on this topic! must have been a sudden rush of blood to the head! or sleep deprivation... i notice the fact of the day today is that we spend 26 years of our lives asleep. how many years do you think it is for mums!

Marina · 06/04/2002 20:33

bossykate, I hope you have a really nice time, you sound like you are ripe for soaking up some relaxing mediterranean rays after a very tiring day!
I am not a fan of the GF books simply because I think they are easy to take too seriously and follow too slavishly. I think impressionable people, maybe lacking confidence and support, can over-interpret the GF method, like I guess fp's friends might have done.
There are lots of people on Mumsnet who are articulate and discerning users of GF, and it is always interesting to read their posts - and in my honest opinion, I think GF's authority and credence is hugely strengthened and improved by people like you, Bloss and Pupuce "placing" her method in the real world as lived by real parents. I think her books should come with amendment slip saying, see also...Mumsnet.
Buon vacanze in Italia!

Pupuce · 06/04/2002 22:30

Well Thank you Marina - could not have said better myself

jasper · 07/04/2002 00:04

Marina, have to agree with you here.

I bought the GF books because of the debates on mumsnet and because I was so impressed with some of the highly sensible things those who had followed GF were saying ( Pupuce, Bloss, Bossykate spring to mind)
Having read the books I think some of her ideas are far better explained by Pupuce et al than by GF herself! GF has a somewhat Po-faced style of delivery which I feel may detract from some of what she is trying to get across.
It also seems from reading mumsnet that you can be quite a bit more flexible than GF lets on and still have success with some of her methods, should you decide her ideas suit you and your family in the first place.

Enid · 07/04/2002 09:08

In the guest's defence, GF does bang on about how you must stick to the routine as much as possible or all will be lost! In hindsight it is easy to see that that isn't always the case, but when you are 'in the zone' - first time mum, unconfident, given a huge lifeline by the success of the GF routine - then sticking to it can seem more important than anything else.

fp, personally I can understand why you had such a difficult time - but second time mum or no, I think having such a young baby yourself probably made you more vulnerable to it. Its a shame you felt you had to burn the books - you could have given them away. Anyway, hopefully you will stay friends although I get the impression you may never quite get over that hellish week!

fp · 07/04/2002 15:11

Enid - I know I am more vulnerable with a small baby, but how would you feel if someone came to your house and spent the whole week telling you that you weren't looking after your baby properly? It's one thing to be doing it yourself, its something else not only to bang on about it but actually to tell someone they aren't doing things right.
I burnt the books (1) Because I needed to vent the anger I was feeling at her cheek and (2) because I dont like the ideas in the book, they are not part of my parenting philosophy and I wouldn't give them to someone else because of this. I'm not saying everyone should do this (susanmt for example - might be worth hanging on to if it siuts your style more than mine, or if you want to give it to someone - certainly read it because you cant compare ways of doing things if you havent at least found out about it), but I needed rid of them in a final way for my own sanity I guess!!

OP posts:
Mel · 07/04/2002 17:26

fp - well done!!! You did the right thing!!! DON'T justify what you did - you had great reasons!