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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

looks like I've been dumped by text

127 replies

mypetdragon · 17/08/2014 12:04

Why are men such cowards?

Been with DP 4 months. Not long I know but we are both in our 40s, divorced and ready for a relationship. He has been divorced for 2 years, been on several dating sites and had virtually given up on finding 'the one' - I have had 2 relationships following my divorce 10 years ago and knew what I was looking for, so we quickly established ourselves as a couple.

We both have children (his younger than mine which worked well - also they are absolutely lovely and seem to like me too!) and both sets of children have accepted our new partners. I have stayed at his place when his children have been there for their weekends and we have recently all been away together (his children, him and me - my kids are university age).

So, 5 days ago, on my return from our summer holiday with his children, I receive a text saying he hadn't thought the holiday went well, that he wasn't prepared to make 'compromises' in his relationship and everything was 'too complicated' and that he needed a 'couple of days' to think things through.

Until this point, everything had been fantastic - we've never argued, we're very affectionate and loving, see each other every weekend and a couple of times in the week as well. We've been away for a week together in May and we both agreed that we had found 'the one'.

His text came completely out of the blue - the only indication I got that he wasn't happy was the last day of the holiday when he couldn't sleep; the following day he was distant and then on my return, the text.

I last heard from him on Wednesday. I'm guessing he's already made his mind up.

Any thoughts? Sorry for long post. Thanks.x

OP posts:

GrapefruitILoveIt · 18/08/2014 12:25

yes, i agree, this 'type' pulls back at 3-4 months. Before that guy charm naught to sixty in under five seconds dumped me with a character assassination,he'd been saying something i'd only half understood at the time about the "implied commitment of having been together for a few months" and I didn't really understand what he was saying. We were happy NOW weren't we, so whaaaaaat?? I thought confused. Next thing I knew, I was being dumped with a character assassination and he emerged as the good guy with too much integrity to continue dating somebody with my character flaw. I was devastated at the time but now I see him for the cock he was.

AlexVause82 · 18/08/2014 14:55

I do hope that he hasn't introduced his children to these "100 dates"

You sound better off without btw.

Spend time with friends, get out and do stuff, he will soon be a distant memory

Twinklestein · 18/08/2014 15:28

He sounds absolutely ghastly from start to finish OP.

I'd have been off at '100 dates'.

Original poster

mypetdragon · 18/08/2014 23:00

Looking back on what he has told me I have been blinkered. He knows he is a nice looking man and very charming with it. He likes a beautiful woman on his arm and he gets a kick out of the whole image thing. He's (by his own admittance) driven by good looks and sexiness and I think his ego is just too big, bolstered by the fact that he finds it easy to get dates. Easier to multiple date than have a LTR, clearly!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 18/08/2014 23:05

Strange how none of 'em stick around, eh

skyeskyeskye · 18/08/2014 23:11

I was seeing a bloke for six months til July and he ended it by simply not showing up again. No discussion, no explanation! Just didn't return my calls and stopping coming round.

So think yourself lucky you to a text OP AND an email

Some men are just cowards who can't face up to what they are doing. He too was really full on very early on.

In his defence he told my DB that he hadn't ended it, he was just very busy. Four weeks on, I can take a hint.....

Next time, if I can be bothered with a next time, I will do things very differently.

Lucky escape OP and better luck next time.

pictish · 19/08/2014 00:39

he DID used to like effort being made - he used to say 'wear something sexy' - liked me to dress up rather than down.... In contrast, my favourite items of clothing are jeans and t shirts.

Just keep re-reading that. Imagine his demands for 'wearing something sexy' on a cold November Wednesday night, when you've had a shit day at work, the kids are driving you mental, and you're period is in full swing.
You want to eat Chinese in your dressing gown, he wants you to make the effort.
Imagine that same scenario as a regular thing, followed by accusations of letting yourself go, not being the woman he thought you were, not being flattered by his attentions, not realising how lucky you are to have him, not making the effort to please him etc etc etc

Cos that's where you were headed lady! Full steam ahead.

pictish · 19/08/2014 00:42

*your

ffs

NormaCore · 19/08/2014 00:47

Did you reply to his text, OP?

GrapefruitILoveIt · 19/08/2014 00:55

Yeh that scenario sounds too much like work (and no "pay")

BlueBrightBlue · 19/08/2014 01:09

Don't let this pillock take up any more head space. Return his stuff sans slap, look like a pile of shit: joggers holey t shirt. Act like you really don't give a flying fuck. He sounds like a total prick.
So things moved along pretty fast, so what?
Mr dreamboat turns out to be Mr vacuous airhead; how were you to know?
Move on girl; you win some you lose some.
Don't waste any time mulling over why it didn't work out; it will only serve to drain you of your sense of self worth.
Life is a gamble, you didn't draw the ace card this time but there are 51 more in the pack.

JustDontWantToSay · 19/08/2014 01:10

Gosh, I've done far more, far quicker and it's turned out brilliantly. Equally done far more, far quicker and it was a bloody nightmare. Sounds like you trusted what you had (fair enough) and unbeknown to you he wasn't sure. Not your fault, nasty shock OP

Original poster

mypetdragon · 19/08/2014 09:52

You lot are really great, thank you. This morning I was feeling like sh*t, then I look at these messages and I think, "flipping heck, I probably would have seen sense at some point anyway".

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 19/08/2014 10:24

Of course you would. Can't beat a nudge in the right direction though, MN stylee

TalisaMaegyr · 19/08/2014 19:32

How are you feeling now? You're dealing with this brilliantly.

I had someone like this a few years ago - absolutely fucked with my head, probably for the first time ever - and I was 40! It was the brilliant women on here that gave me the strength to sort me out, or I would have been rocking in a corner. Keep on keeping on

Original poster

mypetdragon · 20/08/2014 22:16

Hi TalisaMaegyr I'm doing good, thanks to everyone on here. I've rejoined the dating site (too soon I know but want him to see) and have had some messages (haven't opened them yet though - 1 step at a time).

It's a confidence boost and I'm trying to keep busy. In my head I have envisaged a metal shutter being dropped very suddenly in front of my 'vision' of him so whenever he pops into my head, I imagine the shutter, and bam he's gone again.

Good eh?

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 20/08/2014 22:18

Imagine the shutter dropping on his knob and you're done.

aylesburyduck · 20/08/2014 22:33

Why do you want him to see that you're back on the dating site? Don't worry about him, he's history girlfriend!

Rejoin when you're ready and don't let him enter your head

repeat after me... "he's a dick, I am well rid"

TapWellies · 20/08/2014 22:45

Twinklestein you have such a way with words.

hoboken · 20/08/2014 23:06

Be on your own for a while. Independence is a wonderful thing! What an absolute waster, and so in love with himself! Good riddance and onward and upward!

AnyFucker · 21/08/2014 00:24

Erm, wanting him to see you back on the dating site is the same as dropping his stuff off glammed up to the eyeballs. It demeans you.

Let it go.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2014 00:27

Sorry to be a bit rude, but I also think you should stop the online dating for a while. You got stitched up like a kipper on this one and you are still trying to "show" him stuff.

I think you need a bit of "me" time or you will end up diving straight in with the next Mr Fuck 'Em In The head.

NickiFury · 21/08/2014 04:49

I got dumped by text. I won't lie, it really stung, I really liked him. After a day or two, I texted back:-

"Well to be honest I had my doubts from the start but wanted to give it a bit of time. At least we had some fun. A word of advice though, don't end things by text, it's a bit spineless don't you think? Take care "

Within hours I had mutual friends (who had introduced us) ringing me to tell me how "upset" he was I had called him spineless. 6 months later he was still ranting about it

A year on and he called and said he though he'd made a mistake and how about getting together? I passed.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/08/2014 05:21

IM (sadly extensive) E, 3-4 months is a very typical length of time for this sort of bloke to start pulling back.

OP it's not you, it's him. Just take this as a lesson; the quicker and more intensely they fall for you, the quicker they'll go off you.

I honestly don't think it's particularly that they're arseholes; I think they tend to be very emotionally immature and genuinely think they've found the one. Like your average 14 year old girl they're in love with the idea of love.

Truer words were never spoken!!! (Err, typed.) If in doubt, read this, then read it again and remember that you've lost nothing.

NewEraNewMindset · 21/08/2014 09:43

Nicki that's hilarious

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