looks like I've been dumped by text

[mypetdragon]

Why are men such cowards?

Been with DP 4 months. Not long I know but we are both in our 40s, divorced and ready for a relationship. He has been divorced for 2 years, been on several dating sites and had virtually given up on finding 'the one' - I have had 2 relationships following my divorce 10 years ago and knew what I was looking for, so we quickly established ourselves as a couple.

We both have children (his younger than mine which worked well - also they are absolutely lovely and seem to like me too!) and both sets of children have accepted our new partners. I have stayed at his place when his children have been there for their weekends and we have recently all been away together (his children, him and me - my kids are university age).

So, 5 days ago, on my return from our summer holiday with his children, I receive a text saying he hadn't thought the holiday went well, that he wasn't prepared to make 'compromises' in his relationship and everything was 'too complicated' and that he needed a 'couple of days' to think things through.

Until this point, everything had been fantastic - we've never argued, we're very affectionate and loving, see each other every weekend and a couple of times in the week as well. We've been away for a week together in May and we both agreed that we had found 'the one'.

His text came completely out of the blue - the only indication I got that he wasn't happy was the last day of the holiday when he couldn't sleep; the following day he was distant and then on my return, the text.

I last heard from him on Wednesday. I'm guessing he's already made his mind up.

Any thoughts? Sorry for long post. Thanks.x

ha ha whatsgoingoneh I am planning on looking FABULOUS when I drop his stuff round. His pet hate is shabby women so I will ensure I am looking drop dead gorgeous, do the stuff swap, not sure I'm the sort of person to say mean things to him but hey ho, that's why I'm the proverbial doormat.

I've lost loads of weight this week through fretting over him so something good has come of it - I'm back in the size 10 dresses he loved me wearing so think I might be sporting one of those when I pop round.

Sounds like he may have dragged the relationship out just to have 'help' with the kids on holiday.

Don't waste your time dwelling on him, he's just paved the way for someone who will really appreciate you to enter your life.

Gutless twat as well, if he thought anything for you he would have done it to your face and not by text & email.

His pet hate is shabby women

Three words...dodged, a and bullet.
Trust me.

Whatever you do, be upbeat. He'll hate that. Look like he's done you a favour. Just say I don't think so if he starts with crap about staying friends. It'll only be because he wants somewhere to park his dd. Good luck, I hope you find someone worthwhile in the future.

Yes...be breezy whatever you do...cheerful even.

tbh he sounds like a complete arse, sorry OP. The bragging about how many dates he's been on makes him sound like a knobber, and dumping you by text after 4 months is really unkind - it would be bad enough if you'd been in a more casual relationship for that amount of time (meeting up once a week, all quite low key etc) but to do that despite the fact he's been on 2 holidays with you, let you spend a fair amount of time with his DC etc, is pretty awful.

FWIW, the rushing in stuff...I think tbh this guy liked the idea of having a girlfriend and help with his DC, but is too selfish to manage an actual relationship - if you'd waited til 6 months to meet the kids, I predict it would still have been a similar outcome, just a few months hence. Least this way you're rid of him without wasting too much time on a man who clearly doesn't deserve you!

So he doesn't like shabby women and you think you will be empowering yourself to "pop round"in your best size ten dress. Are you hoping he will want you back? Seriously. Just go round there in your everyday clothes. Don't do the dance of the dumped woman.

Totally agree. I did write a post about not glamming up for his benefit, but deleted it.

Don't go down the tawdry make-him-see-what-he's-missing road. Please. Nothing says 'I care' more than making the effort.

Go in joggers and a ponytail, sporting the most beautific smile you have. x

what LEM said

don't dance to his ridiculous "pet hate is shabby women" tune

ordinary clothes, breezy attitude the end

"Don't go down the tawdry make-him-see-what-he's-missing road. Please. Nothing says 'I care' more than making the effort"

^^ This. Also, I'd personally avoid any talk of "I agree the holiday was rubbish and we shouldn't be together", "we weren't great together sexually anyway" type BS. It's so obvious and anyone who says stuff like that to me screams of "I miss you". Just keep you chin up, talk to a minimum, get you stuff and keep your dignity.

Agree with livid.

Any man whose pet hate is 'shabby women' is a waste of time. No exceptions.

He's a vacuous arsehole who thinks women exist to fulfil their decorative obligations to men.

Can you imagine if you'd stayed with him? So much ongoing effort to avoid becoming his pet hate eh?
Fuck off.

seconded

Agree with Anyfucker and pictish et al, just go natural (not in the biblical sense!)

I feel he was desperate to be in a relationship and wanted that 'in love' feeling so laid it on thick at the beginning, then when the novelty wore off he pulls a stunt like this. I don't care how 'honest' he has been, what he has done is the worse kind of behaviour as it draws you in but then goes stone cold leaving you scratching your head going 'wtf just happened here??'.

Good luck OP.

his pet hate is shabby women?? he said that!!??

i agree with livid in london. turn up in your sweaty exercise gear with a pony tail and a red face.

My x has very high expectations for women (lower for men funnily enough) and I felt more empowered doing hand overs in jeans I knew made me look a bit fat.

The man who hurt me the most, in my 20s, was like this, The Charm from naught to sixty in five seconds. Dumped me after three months with a character assassination. I was so devastated that I ended up in an abusive relationship (with the above mentioned x). I don't blame The Charm 0-60 for that but it was for me a direct chain of events.

I'm sorry you are hurting

But, if you think about it later on, you will probably be able to see the writing was on the wall from the beginning really. His 'pet hate' is 'shabby women' Really Oh Really. so he's as shallow as a muddly puddle then. You were 'The One' before he even knew you (mind you, you're not covered in glory from that POV either!) s actually he just wanted someone, not YOU... need we go on?

I would be most disappointed in you if you 'dressed up' to take his stuff back/get yours, wear ordinary clothes - don't look as if you have made an effort for this twat.

Urgh.

wise words. I will go round in jeans - flying visit, minimal conversation. Done. Move on. Thanks everyone.x

Just get back on the horse and start dating again, do not give him the satisfaction of seeing you on your own whilst he has some new bird on his arm. Agree with the breezy attitude and do not try and talk him round, he has shown you who he is early on, thank god!, he has saved you so much future heart ache.

Agreed don't turn up hoping you'll make him regret his decision. You don't need that. You're well rid. Dress as you normally dress and go at a time when you have something on after so you can't get dragged into chatting. Gotta go, sorry, thanks for the stuff. Done.

Ooh I always used to attract blokes like this for some reason!

Getting all carried away, declarations of love far too soon for it to be real, that sort of thing.

One bloke I was seeing was like a fucking limpet on the Thursday, all "I love you so much, I can't believe how compatible we are, I've never felt like this" blah blah blah... on the Friday we went away for the weekend, he gradually went off the boil and by Sunday evening in the car on the way home he was honking dolefully about how he didn't feel the same and did I think he had any chance of getting back the deposit he'd paid on a holiday we'd planned for later on in the year? FFS!

IM (sadly extensive) E, 3-4 months is a very typical length of time for this sort of bloke to start pulling back.

OP it's not you, it's him. Just take this as a lesson; the quicker and more intensely they fall for you, the quicker they'll go off you.

I honestly don't think it's particularly that they're arseholes; I think they tend to be very emotionally immature and genuinely think they've found the one. Like your average 14 year old girl they're in love with the idea of love.

He's a sad little specimen really. I agree with those who say don't dress up; that will give him immense satisfaction. Just wear what you normally would.

FWIW he never actually quoted 'shabby women' - but he DID used to like effort being made - he used to say 'wear something sexy' - liked me to dress up rather than down.... In contrast, my favourite items of clothing are jeans and t shirts.

Oh my DH loves it if I make a bit of effort but crucially, he's just as loving and attentive if I look like a road accident.

Totally agree with not dressing up.
He will think that you did it for HIS benefit. Don't be over the top breezy, just polite . Get your stuff and thank heavens that you didn't get in any deeper .