Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu to lock my husband out of the house?

102 replies

Rebecca2014 · 16/08/2014 09:57

I am fed up with his bullshit and lies.

In the last few months he has bothered to go out with me and our dd once, just once and I had the pleasure of paying for it out of my child tax credit money. He works constantly, he has one full time job and 2 part time jobs but still complains he is skint after paying all the bills. He is at work 6/7 days a week and doesn't come home on the weekends at all, he tells me sleeps in his car at night. When he is at home his in a bad mood and doesn't want to do anything.

He never helps with childcare, I have to always ask my family for help. He has 2 days a week off from his main job, on one of those days I wanted to get my hair done but he said no as his chosen to work on that day. I am fed up with having to keep depending on my poor family to babysit because my twat of a husband won't take a day off work.

He told me on Sunday he had to go to a meeting in the evening, okay I found that a bit strange but went along with it. I checked his email this morning as I have the password and he lied, it is a work party with dinner and drinks and he could bring his partner along. So he has lied to me again, god knows how many lies he has told me.

I am so angry and when he comes back home on Monday I want to lock him out of the house. I am afraid legally I don't have a leg to stand on due fact we rent and both our names are on the tenancy.

OP posts:
Pastperfect · 16/08/2014 11:54

For some reason my last post was massively delayed. But anyway there it is the OPs DH is financially abusive

DiaDuit · 16/08/2014 11:58

Ffs! OP is at home 24/7 alone looking after their child, it is not being entitled to want a couple of hours on her own to get her hair done when he DH was going to be off work. he then decided to work instead of having the baby for a couple of hours to give her a break.

OP i agree you would be better off as a single parent. And he'd owe quite a bit of child support from the income from 3 jobs.

Missunreasonable · 16/08/2014 11:59

I suspect there is more to this than the thread gives away judging by pastperfects posts.

For the hairdresser issue though: I started using a mobile hairdresser when my kids were younger. Favourite DVD and a plate of snacks when the hairdresser came resolved the issue of childcare.

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/08/2014 12:00

Op can I suggest you get this moved to relationships otherwise you might get upset with some of the posters on here, this is way past being unreasonable. Thanks

LadyLuck10 · 16/08/2014 12:10

Given your update op I change what I said. You are being treated very badly, I agree that something else is going on.
I don't think it's about the hairdresser being the issue, that's just the tip of what the problems are. Sorry op I also suggest moving to relationships.

Pastperfect · 16/08/2014 12:12

miss I don't know if there is a backstory here, but many years on MN has taught me that a huge proportion of women who describe the child benefits as "theirs" do so because they have no access to any other money.

Then by the time I had posted that the OP had been back to confirm she has no access to family money Sad

To be honest OP the fact that your DH sleeps in the car is a huge flag and barbarian has it spot on: he's a saint or a cheat. And there is nothing in the OP that supports "saint"

itsnormalforbridgwater · 16/08/2014 12:15

Don't lock him out it's not going to solve anything. If there's a problem you need to talk and sort it out or at least try to.

Id feel awful if I did that to my DH and he had a mess he was too frightened/ashamed to talk about.

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2014 12:22

Taking what the OP has said at face value, I highly doubt her husband is either ashamed or too frightened to speak about their problems.

She not only has no access to family money, she has no idea how much there is or how much he earns.

She doesn't want childcare as such, she wants partnership and a family and she's getting neither.

And do you really think he will sit down and talk about all this? I don't.

OP - you definitely need to get this moved to Relationships. Then listen and follow the advice you will get.

LEMmingaround · 16/08/2014 12:25

The child benefit in this house is my money. Sometimes I spend it on dd sometimes I spend it on me. Trust me she doesn't go without.

I am actually disgusted that on a thread where at best the op's dh is taking her for a mug and at worse financially abusing her people are telling the op that child benefit is family money Hmm.

We are pretty skint and im a sahm. The child benefit is the only money I have. That works for us. Every family budgets differently.

DaisyFlowerChain · 16/08/2014 12:29

I think CB is the child's money but that's by and by.

If the OP is happy to let her OH pay for their every need, then yes the CB should go in the communal pot. Different if you have separate finances but you can't demand one salary is family money then keep anything you have yourself as your own.

It doesn't sound like this is a partnership though and goes beyond the CB.

fifi669 · 16/08/2014 12:36

One of you is a dick.

Without knowing whether he is working 3 jobs to keep the family afloat, with an angry unsupportive wife on his case so he lied about the work do to get some time off....

Or he's gambling/cheating etc, using the family money to do so, neglecting the family to do so.... None of us can really tell you what to do.

You need to speak to him, not lock him out. Lay it on the line that the marriage is at breaking point and you need to know where the money goes, what you want to happen going forward, how you already feel a single parent and want to make things work (assuming you do). Let him know that the discussion is non negotiable, you need answers to move forward with or without him.

ilovesooty · 16/08/2014 12:38

You have no access to family finances. He won't discuss anything with you. He doesn't respect you and understandably you don't seem to like him much. You're resorting to checking his emails as there's zero communication.

It sounds as though you'd be better off on your own.

itsnormalforbridgwater · 16/08/2014 12:39

She should find out the facts first before she takes action, that's all I'm saying!

CarbeDiem · 16/08/2014 12:45

OP do get this moved to relationships.

It does all sound very dodgy and it's not really going to do anything by locking him out. Why would anyone choose to sleep in a car regularly when there's a bed at home.
Are you still sleeping with him when he does come home?

Original poster
Rebecca2014 · 16/08/2014 14:00

How can I get this moved to relationship board? can a mod just move it.

I just confronted him about Sunday evening and he just took the piss out of me, he doesn't care at all. He enjoys all of this. I feel like crying, I feel so stuck. I just want him to leave but he stays just to torment me, he has all the control and I got nothing.

To be with a man who doesn't care about you but refuses to leave is soul destroying.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 16/08/2014 14:10

What is your stuation? Renting? Home owners? Private landlord? If I were you id seek legal advice and get him out. Vile controlling pig.

HauntedNoddyCar · 16/08/2014 14:11

Well if he won't give you any control or won't leave and you are this unhappy, you could take control and leave yourself. I think you've had this suggested on another thread though?

What do you want to happen? If you want him to be nice and supportive and a partner then you are almost certain to be disappointed.

LEMmingaround · 16/08/2014 14:11

You can report your post and ask it to be moved. I have reported for you so hopefully mnhq will move it x

hashtagwhatever · 16/08/2014 14:12

Could you leave and stay with family for a while? Until you can sort something more permanent.

bronya · 16/08/2014 14:16

Leave, move in with family if you can. Get benefits sorted then somewhere to live and look for work. He has to be having an affair/second family.

NamesNick · 16/08/2014 14:22

not RTFT but on the OP...

mobile hairdresser perhaps?

NamesNick · 16/08/2014 14:24

also 'sleeping in his car'

double life perhaps. I would be inclined to think he was runniny two households.

I have experience with this im afraid to say

Original poster
Rebecca2014 · 16/08/2014 14:25

I can't leave, I did leave before but my parents wouldn't allow me and dd to stay there long due to lack of room. The ymca housing advice also said I should go back as I won't get any help with council as I am already renting a property. He has to go but I don't believe he ever will.

We rent and both our names are on the tenancy. I can't handle this for much longer, I am getting tempted to leave our daughter with him and me leave so he is fucked with childcare. I am always the one hurting while he goes out and does whatever the fuck he likes.

If I was him I be long gone, I do not get what he is getting out of staying here? he complains about having to support us, does not give a shit about me so why.

OP posts:
ThisFenceIsComfy · 16/08/2014 14:27

Three jobs? Sleeping in his car at weekends?

Sorry all sounds a bit dodgy tbh

Original poster
Rebecca2014 · 16/08/2014 14:27

I wouldn't be surprised if he had a girlfriend on the side. Nothing would shock me anymore, longer we are together the more lies I have found out. It would explain a lot actually.

We rarely have sex too so all adding up.

OP posts: