Adult only weddings - views

[kaykayblue]

Sorry if this is the wrong section to be asking this in, but I couldn't of anywhere more relevant to put it!

Basically I'm interested to know people's views on adult only weddings.

We are a relatively young couple, and don't have any children yet. Nor do any of our immediate family. A tiny minority of our close friends do, and we have already given them a heads up - they seemed more than happy to come alone and have some adult company away from the kids.

We are slightly worried about how our wider families will take it though, as there are about 15 or so kids in that group.

Aside from not wanting our wedding to essentially turn into a creche, we do have some objective reasons for not having young children there:

• The entire thing is going to be indoors in a relatively small venue, so there is no space for the kids to run around playing out of everyone's way

• The vast majority of guests don't have young children.

• Our caterer doesn't have different prices for children, so we would be paying full price for a plate of food that is basically going to be wasted

• The venue is not particularly child friendly - there is a balcony which will be accessible throughout the whole day/night, and there will be open fires.

• The venue has quite limited space (especially since we both have big families), so having children would mean not being able to invite that many of our friends.

• The kids that I know are relatively well behaved as far as children go, but they are obviously still children - there's always the odd screaming fit, things get smashed, they'll come running up to you and demand that you play with them...etc. All that is normal and I get that. It's just that we want the day to be totally chill. There is also a high chance that I would spend the whole day worrying that one of the kids would get chocolate or whatever on my dress.

If people don't want to come because they can't bring their children, then we would totally understand. But I'm a little worried that by inviting only "adults" (we are having some older children - younger teenagers), people might take it as some kind of personal insult to their children.

Am I worrying over nothing?

You're not worrying over nothing but I understand why you're concerned.

I'm in a similar position myself!

I'd have an honest and open chat with the guests who have small children and see what they think - you might be surprised to find a lot of them would prefer to leave their wee ones with a relative or babysitter and let their hair down!

x

I think you should contact people and ask them direct what their thoughts would be, or explain why you aren't inviting young children.

If you are inviting some children then I think that may well get people's backs up. I also think that if the family are close enough to be invited then for me that should also include DC. So I wouldn't be bothered if I wasn't invited to my second cousins wedding due to numbers, but I may be a bit miffed if I was invited and the DC weren't, unless it was explained to me. I wouldn't want to feel I had been invited out of obligation iyswim?

I think explaining that there are open fires, water, balcony etc are good reasons and I would lead with that and the lack of space. But I do think the key is to actually speak to the people concerned, not send it out on an invite.

Sorry I mean if you are inviting your/dp's family you may need to be more careful than with friends.

Your wedding, your rules. If you don't want children, then that is fair enough. However it may mean you lose some guests that you really would like to share your day or it may mean by inviting children you may not be able to invite some because you are limited by cost or numbers.

For me, a wedding is a family party. Old and young. It isn't a proper wedding until the kids are sliding on their knees along the dance floor. But then, that's just me.

Whatever you decide, enjoy your day.

I think ultimately it's your choice and you've obviously given this a lot of thought. If you explain nicely (but clearly) that the event is not suitably for younger children than I'm sure people will understand that it's your day.

I'm sure that on the day if there were children there you would be far too busy (and happy) to worry about getting chocolate on your dress etc. and really it is their parents' responsibility to make sure that they don't go shooting off balconies and into fires - however it is your day.

Doubtless if people have issues about it you will find out through the family grapevine anyway...

I think a wedding is a happy occasion for everyone to participate in giving the newlyweds congratulations and luck for a good start to their lives together and I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to include the children of the families and friends in that.

Its always seemed a bit mean and egotistical to exclude the children from a happy celebration. But that's just me.

Totally agree with ThirdPoliceman. It's completely up to you. However, if we would be your friends we wouldn't be able to attend the wedding - small child and no family nearby.

I couldn't image having a wedding without children. It's supposed to be a celebration of love, why wouldn't children be included in that?

We had one in similar circumstances and I have no regrets whatsoever. Now, as a parent, I vastly prefer childfree weddings, but logistics do sometimes mean we have to decline.

I think having clear exceptions (eg only B&G's nieces and nephews, or only babes in arms, or only 13+) is fair. You do have to make sure your invitation is unequivocal ("kaykay and MrBlue invite Jane and John Smith" and perhaps an explicit insert for those with uninvited children saying that because of the kind of party you unfortunately can't invite their cherubs, only tiny babies, but you really hope they'll be able to make it) and you have to be ready for people to decline.

You say it is "wider family" children - are they local? Are there uninvited family from the other side who could be called upon, eg your cousin and his wife, so his mother-in-law could have the children?

I think it's fine to have adult only weddings.

You need to make it very clear. And not make exceptions. People get very narked if they arrive without their precious DC and then see you've allowed others to take theirs.

You also need to accept some people won't go. They may have trouble getting childcare, or they simply won't like the idea such as Uri above.

Personally, I like weddings and don't care too much if they include children or not.

It's your wedding, and totally your call.

Have read other posts now.

I think whether children go to weddings or not is cultural. I went to my first wedding at 19 and the vast majority I've been to have had no or nearly no children (eg 6/80, being godchildren, nephews and a first cousin). Many weddings are grown-up affairs and the better for it.

No problem at all. I have a 2 year old but wouldn't be put out if she wasn't included in a wedding invitation. People with children do remember what it's like to inhabit an adult-only world! Have whatever type of wedding you want!

Having said that, don't hand pick a few children who are allowed to attend. Happy to sort out babysitters etc, but it's annoying when a few other people didn't have to.

Also don't take it personally if guests with small children don't attend.

Don't let anyone tell you that you need kids clogging up the dance floor in order for it to be a 'proper' wedding, because it's just not true.

Some of the best knees-ups weddings I've ever been to have been child-free.

Enjoy your day. :)

I've been to several adult only weddings, and several weddings where only older children were invited. I'm not aware of anyone being horribly offended by this - but you have to have a clear and logical cut off point. Either by relationship level - so you invite nieces and nephews but not cousins/great nieces/great nephews etc, or by age, so no under 12s for example. The only problem you get with the age cut off is if it excludes one child in a family, say there's a family with children age 15, 12 and 11, it's a bit unfair on the 11 year old. If this won't happen, and you can make a clear cut off without this happening, I think it's a good way to handle it.

It's fine if it's just your preference, you don't have to justify yourself, but the fact that you can say the venue is unsafe for under 10s or whatever, makes it easier for you.

Personally, I don't really enjoy weddings so much when there are loads of little kids around. A small handful, ok, but when there's a horde of them it changes the whole event. I give up trying to dance when there's little kids all over the dance floor and I'm scared of trampling them - it always ends up with the little kids plus a few grandmas dancing away to Macarena type music all night, and that's no fun for anyone else. They stick their fingers in all the food. They grab piles of all the best bits of the food. Everywhere ends up a mess. And these are not badly behaved kids, just kids in a large group. It's like having a primary classroom full of over-excited kids on the loose. Hard to manage.

I much prefer adult or older child only weddings. And that included when I had young kid of my own. Good excuse for a child-free night out - yes please!

I have 3 generally very well behaved DC's, had children at our wedding (including out eldest) but I jump at the chance to go to child free weddings
Your wedding, your budget, your rules. As long as you give people enough notice and are specific about exceptions such as bf babies I don't see a problem.

I think that when you do an adults only wedding, you have to visualise those parents not attending. Some parents are lucky enough to have grandparents who'll take the kids for the night, but many don't.

So basically if they were not to come, would you be gutted?

You have to toss up how much you want the parents to be there. If it would really alter the dynamic of the wedding if such-and-such wasn't there, then I would just invite kids and to hell with it. In my experience the bride and groom are too busy to really notice kids during the reception.

Your wedding, your day, your call.

However, agree with sentiments expressed above re. small kids sliding on knees, whole-family celebrations, etc.

Also, my cousin's wedding was no kids for v. similar reasons to yours and it cost us an absolute bomb to attend, as we are in a different country, had to organise my sister to come and babysit for the weekend and pay for her hotel room also. We are a v. small family, so really had to (and wanted to!) be there.

Having said that, it was rather nice to not have kids pulling on our sleeves and being able to conduct entire conversations without interruption!

It's your day so you do what you want.

But... Like pp have said I personally think a wedding is a celebration of family and all the generations attending is part of that.

You have said the children are well behaved. Tell the parents what the venue is like and the situation wrt the food, then they have a heads up.

Choc on wedding dress - how likely is that to happen ? And most wedding dresses get ripped or dirty at the bottom if they are long I think ?

The only child free wedding I went to was flat and depressing, children bring fun and joy to the party. Watching them dance on dance floor is lovely .

Have a lovely day whatever you decide to do .

I think that unless it's a very small wedding (i.e. not the extended family you mention) than it's going to cause difficulties. Some people seem to have extreme views on this as though the decision is a big statement about the meaning of marriage (which it may well be).

What's the youngest guest you would allow? What about the couple who say their 6 week old will sleep through the whole thing and be fine in their car seat and nobody will even know she's there?

It's fine, however, when explaining don't cite cost or children's behaviour. If you mention cost, some people might offer to pay, if you cite behaviour, most people will be offended. Don't suggest you are doing them a favour or say "so we can all enjoy our day".

Say "unfortunately, the venue is not suitable for small children and we have space limitations, so will not be able to invite children."

Child free weddings are great. I have a nearly three year old, and can't think of anything worse than having to keep her quiet and/or entertained all day, when in all likelihood she'll be bored and wanting to run around. Plus, you any really drink when you're in charge of a child

My dsis had a child free wedding due to budget reasons. She could only have 50 people at the day reception - if everyone's children were to come she would have had to double her budget.
She hired a big hall for the evening reception and everyone and their kids were invited to it so the children didn't have to miss out on the best bit of the celebration.
Who is anyone to dictate to a bride and groom what their wedding budget should be and who should be invited? They are guests - they can accept or decline. Complaining and dictating is not on.

It's up to you your day. Don't know if this has been said but consider if someone is breast feeding. This usually causes a headache if they want to come but feel torn about BF or leaving their baby.

Also understand that if folk can't get sitters they might not be able to make it.

All the best weddings I've been to have been childfree, the ones before our group of friends started having dcs, so were drunken silly affairs, everyone dancing til 3am, no leaving early to take tired children to bed, no leaving at 11:45 as the babysitter was only booked until midnight, no negotiation who would be dealing with the dcs for breakfast so one half of a couple not drinking, proper catching up in the day, not saying a snatched hello to a uni friend while running after a toddler... And there's always a group of parents walking round and round the carpark of a wedding venue with a baby in a buggy who isn't signed up to the "oh, they'll sleep in the buggy in the corner, so we can enjoy ourselves" plan! (Me a few times now).

Childfree, some won't come, those who do will have a better time. (But don't say that, it'll make you look an arse)

I had a child free wedding with the exception of my 4 week old niece. It was lovely only 1 family member refused due to no kids .
We did invite the kids to the evening, most of our friends wanted to drink lots so didn't want to bring the kids anyway, but I did invite extended family who were babysitting during the day to the evening with the kids which they really enjoyed.
It's your wedding do what you like !