Adult only weddings - views

[kaykayblue]

Sorry if this is the wrong section to be asking this in, but I couldn't of anywhere more relevant to put it!

Basically I'm interested to know people's views on adult only weddings.

We are a relatively young couple, and don't have any children yet. Nor do any of our immediate family. A tiny minority of our close friends do, and we have already given them a heads up - they seemed more than happy to come alone and have some adult company away from the kids.

We are slightly worried about how our wider families will take it though, as there are about 15 or so kids in that group.

Aside from not wanting our wedding to essentially turn into a creche, we do have some objective reasons for not having young children there:

• The entire thing is going to be indoors in a relatively small venue, so there is no space for the kids to run around playing out of everyone's way

• The vast majority of guests don't have young children.

• Our caterer doesn't have different prices for children, so we would be paying full price for a plate of food that is basically going to be wasted

• The venue is not particularly child friendly - there is a balcony which will be accessible throughout the whole day/night, and there will be open fires.

• The venue has quite limited space (especially since we both have big families), so having children would mean not being able to invite that many of our friends.

• The kids that I know are relatively well behaved as far as children go, but they are obviously still children - there's always the odd screaming fit, things get smashed, they'll come running up to you and demand that you play with them...etc. All that is normal and I get that. It's just that we want the day to be totally chill. There is also a high chance that I would spend the whole day worrying that one of the kids would get chocolate or whatever on my dress.

If people don't want to come because they can't bring their children, then we would totally understand. But I'm a little worried that by inviting only "adults" (we are having some older children - younger teenagers), people might take it as some kind of personal insult to their children.

Am I worrying over nothing?

One child got purple fruit shoot on my dress. It never came out.

We are going to a relatively large wedding in about a years time.

Kids have been invited, they will be 11 months and 29 months.

Not a chance in hell am I bringing them. I want to have fun, and chasing a toddler and a possibly mobile baby is not my idea of fun. Still love them though!

I have been to both sorts of weddings many types without batting an eyelid, but just for your information, in case it's useful, one where I was very annoyed my dc weren't invited. DHs very good friend was groom, first we had a Hindu wedding travelled a long way to be in time for ceremony starting at 10am, dc very much invited and dd asked to sprinkle petals when bride and groom arrived, not preplanned just 10 mins before so not a bridesmaid as not that sort of ceremony. Long day but dc (8 & 10) very well behaved etc. 6 months later Christian church wedding DH best man (and chauffeur as had flash car) so lots of time involved in rehearsals and general organisational stuff, stag do etc. We were told no children, I was a bit miffed as dc would have loved to see DH speech etc and as DH on top table I would be sat without partner but thought hey ho not much to be done, their choice. At the wedding it turned out to be not so much no children as not everyone's children, another couple in our circle of friends said to me as soon as we sat down for the meal I thought they said no kids? They had to travel for 3 hours each way, arrange overnight childcare etc and were as annoyed as I was! Sorry that's a bit long but OP I think the moral is be clear, be fair! Have a great wedding

Sorry, a bit of my last post got missed out:

"And I think those of you who would be able to look a five year old in the face when they've been brought along to your wedding, say because babysitting arrangements fell through at the last minute, and tell them/their family to do one, are really quite strange."

If you like people enough to invite them to your wedding, surely you should assume they wouldn't bring the kids to a kids-free wedding unless they were really desperate, rather than just bad mannered? If someone brought along their child unexpectedly I wouldn't be able to turn them away, although I would say that I couldn't feed them of course.

Yep, fairness is vital. As is not getting arsey with anyone who refuses because you haven't invited their children, as you almost certainly wouldn't.

Making it totally clear that children are not invited on the invitations is also vital and, if there are safety reasons, like open fires, definitely spell this out.

The thought that someone might bring along their toddler because they didn't realise they weren't invited and the child might fall in an open fire (because you only have to take your eye off them for a second as we all know) is unbearable.

Elephantsandmiasmas - the thing is, if babysitting arrangements fell through, I would expect them to call to check rather than just turning up with their children.

Simply showing up would put me and my partner in a horrendously awkward position - it would cause problems with other people who had arranged childcare, or whose children were actually (even tenuously) related to me yet weren't there. I would completely understand if someone had to drop out at the last second because their child was ill, or arrangements fell through, but I would be angry at them for simply showing up with kids in tow with no prior communication.

It's also part of the "fairness" issue that people are talking about. That's actually a big deal for me. I would rather offend everybody equally than single out just a few people to REALLY offend.

I can't see how people could be offended with "no kids". But I can easily see how people would be offended by "not YOUR kids".

Could you have a close family wedding and exclude all the wider circle? Then have a later reception from 8pm when children would not obviously be invited?

We had an adults only wedding and everyone we invited attended, as far as I know there were no ill feelings and we all had a great time.

It's your wedding, your day - your way.

I don't see the big deal. I wouldn't be offended if my children weren't invited at all. I'd quite welcome an evening out without them. If I couldn't find a babysitter I wouldn't be moping all day about missing the big day.

I generally hate weddings though.

When I got married, it was a child free zone and all the better for it.

Do what you want to do - everyone always wants to make someone else's big day about them and what they want. It really pisses me off.

It is only on MN that I have ever seen this cause any angst. People I know have chosen to leave their children at home so as to better enjoy the day. I have babysat them, even had them overnight. It is SO not a big deal in RL.

elephantandmiasmas Surely if babysitting arrangements fall through at the last minute you don't go and send your apologies. Otherwise you're really fucking rude.

We had a childfree wedding. Well, almost. My niece was a bridesmaid and was picked up after the meal. Husband's nephew and niece would have been invited but their parents asked us not to.

All this 'weddings are for family, children are family' handwringing doesn't take into account that often they are not. We got married in our 30s. Most of our friends have a couple of kids and therefore to invite the one friend you actually want would have meant inviting a family of four. This would have meant more people than our chosen and much loved venue could accommodate.

Fuck.

That.

Anyway it was bloody brilliant. Everyone had a great time and were more than happy to have a night away from their children.

Now I have a child myself I'm not even remotely arsed if he isn't invited to a wedding. Unless he was particularly close to the bride and groom I wouldn't take him if he was. It's no fun for him and no fun for us chasing him round/trying to entertain him. If that meant we couldn't go then so be it - whichever one of us was friends with the bride and groom would go.

Anybody who badmouths you for not wanting their children at your wedding isn't worth inviting anyway OP. Have a lovely day xx

I had an adult only wedding

It was an elegant garden party type affair and tbh I didn't want to end up looking after all the kids as I usually do (I was a nanny at the time) I wanted to completely shut off from work/kids.

I'm sure there were mutterings and my grandfather actually asked what the point of getting married was if there weren't kids there.

Oh well

I do remember saying 'what part of no children are invited don't you understand?' to a couple of insistent people

It's absolutely fine to say "no children" but a)that has to mean all children, or you at least have to be very limited eg only your nieces and nephews, and b)you'll have to accept that there will be people who won't be able to attend or who won't want to attend, and it's important that you don't push them. One of DH's cousins was getting married up north - there was no-one (literally) that we could have left the 3 DCs with from the Friday afternoon to the Sunday afternoon, and she was not happy. DH didn't fancy going on his own, and I don't blame him.

I am all for child free weddings. Mine was child free, basically because we were among the first in our friendship groups to get married and no one actually had any kids!!

However, it never occurred to me to be hurt that mine weren't invited to subsequent weddings - it was a great opportunity for a night away leaving the kdis with grandparents. Looking after a small child at a wedding is just hard work for parents. It is not fun for the child either.

I have to say, going by the scientific sample that is this thread, the pro-child-free types, seem like way more craic.

Child-free weddings are fine - it should be completely you and your fiancés choice. If people aren't happy they can always decline the invitation! However, as mentioned up thread babes-in-arms should be allowed - we're off to a child-free wedding on Saturday and have got a babysitter for 7 year old ds, but 6 month old bf dd will be coming with us.
A friends brother recently took his three day old baby (with the mum too of course) to a wedding 2 hours away, so maybe don't discount your friends who will have a young baby yet

my twopenceworth: I think it's entirely up to you.

I suppose the idea about inviting children is about allowing them to create amazing memories. my childhood memories of big family weddings with all my cousins together having great fun and drunken uncles giving you tenners to buy sweets and aunties making you laugh and teaching you dance moves, the inevitable area just for seeing who can slide the furthest and just the general tomfoolery of a big family wedding well its priceless really.

I personally love a good wedding with or without kids. But there is something really heartwarming about watching the cycle repeating and something a bit joyous about kids at a wedding.

Thanks for everyone's further thoughts and views! It seems like the overwhelming majority of people on the thread either actively like child free weddings, or don't have a particular preference either way.

I'm relieved that only a minority seem to take absolute personal offence.

rainbowsmiles - maybe it's because I never went to weddings like that when I was younger! I've never been to a "huge" wedding (more than 100 or so people) in my entire life, and when I was a child all I remember is feeling bored and wanting to go home.

I wouldn't mind being invited to an adult only wedding so long a I was told with the invite or well in advance so I could sort childcare as we only really have my dad who could babysit.

I think most people have a problem with adult only weddings is if there is travel involved, all their usual babysitters are going to the wedding, they have a newborn, turn up and theres loads of kids not related to the couple, or get told at the last minute that children aren't invited.

Giving a heads up to those with children and not being upset if they can't get babysitters is about all you can do really.