Adult only weddings - views

[kaykayblue]

Sorry if this is the wrong section to be asking this in, but I couldn't of anywhere more relevant to put it!

Basically I'm interested to know people's views on adult only weddings.

We are a relatively young couple, and don't have any children yet. Nor do any of our immediate family. A tiny minority of our close friends do, and we have already given them a heads up - they seemed more than happy to come alone and have some adult company away from the kids.

We are slightly worried about how our wider families will take it though, as there are about 15 or so kids in that group.

Aside from not wanting our wedding to essentially turn into a creche, we do have some objective reasons for not having young children there:

• The entire thing is going to be indoors in a relatively small venue, so there is no space for the kids to run around playing out of everyone's way

• The vast majority of guests don't have young children.

• Our caterer doesn't have different prices for children, so we would be paying full price for a plate of food that is basically going to be wasted

• The venue is not particularly child friendly - there is a balcony which will be accessible throughout the whole day/night, and there will be open fires.

• The venue has quite limited space (especially since we both have big families), so having children would mean not being able to invite that many of our friends.

• The kids that I know are relatively well behaved as far as children go, but they are obviously still children - there's always the odd screaming fit, things get smashed, they'll come running up to you and demand that you play with them...etc. All that is normal and I get that. It's just that we want the day to be totally chill. There is also a high chance that I would spend the whole day worrying that one of the kids would get chocolate or whatever on my dress.

If people don't want to come because they can't bring their children, then we would totally understand. But I'm a little worried that by inviting only "adults" (we are having some older children - younger teenagers), people might take it as some kind of personal insult to their children.

Am I worrying over nothing?

Your day, your rules. End of. As long as you accept some people may not be able to come and do so with good grace.

Personally I don't understand when people say things like "It's supposed to be a celebration of love, why wouldn't children be included in that?" Or that "Weddings are about families". They aren't, at least not any more in terms of dowries and marrying into a family to protect landowning. A wedding is about two people who want to get married and share their life together. That life may not, through choice or circumstance, include children. There's no rule that if you are in love you must procreate.

Wow, thanks for all the responses so far!! I'm relieved that no-one is calling me some bitter child hating harpy!

I have already spoken to my very close friends who have children (none are still bfing), and they didn't mind at all. It is easier for them as the wedding is pretty much local to where they live. In my wider family, I would obviously prefer that they came without the kids - especially since I know for a fact that they have family (not on my side) very near by who could take the kids, and who they are very close to - but at the end of the day, if they don't want to for whatever reason, then that is completely their choice, and I wouldn't resent them for it.

For my wider family there would be limited travel involved, but no more than 45 minutes.

We decided to go for no children under a certain age (10 or 11), as that ruled out the vast majority - all the other "non adults" would be 10,11,14,16, etc.

Thing is, I do have a relative with four children, only one of which is over the age limit. I was going to invite the older child with them but not the younger ones (who are all under 5). Maybe that would be more awkward?

It's a little more difficult on my partner's side as they are travelling much further. Then again, the people it would actually affect are family members that he hasn't seen in years anyway. So he would be happy to see them, but no big deal if they don't fancy travelling, if you see what I mean. The rest of the children in his family are over the "age limit".

I wanted to avoid the "only close family can bring their kids" as I don't have any immediate family with children anyway, and I didn't want anyone to resent the fact that they were told they couldn't bring their children, but Sally-Jo could bring hers, iyswim.

I can understand when people say that weddings are supposed to bring all the generations together, but I also think that's quite a traditional way of looking at weddings (not that there's anything wrong with that). Maybe I would feel differently if I saw these children all the time, but I've only ever met them a handful of times anyway.

I've been to weddings with and without children - they definitely have a very different atmosphere, but I've definitely noticed that people seem more...relaxed (?) if they aren't in parent mode.

Up to you completely. I don't understand child free weddings. To me, it's a family event and children are family. I also don't like the way children are viewed as lesser people (money wasted because you've provided them with a meal?). Your reasons are odd even for someone who doesn't have children. I'm Irish with a big family so have been to shedloads of weddings and I've never ever heard of a bride getting chocolate on her dress from a child, anything getting smashed or of the children pestering her to play...? You must know some strange people. It all sounds a bit silly.

Having said all that, it's totally up to you of course, it's your wedding. And if people don't like it then they don't come, simple as that.

I had a child free wedding. I didn't give explanations, didn't realise I had to! Everyone had a great time! No crying, upset children = no harassed parents!

Shelagh - It's not that by paying for a child to eat I am "wasting money" - it's the fact that we are having a seated meal, and the caterer doesn't do smaller versions for children. I'm pretty sure that a five year old isn't going to be able to eat an adult sized portion of venison (or even like venison!!), which means that well over half of that meal is simply going to be thrown away.

We aren't exactly swimming in cash, and sadly, the cold truth is that we would be paying an extra £420 for children to eat only half of that amount. It would also mean an additional cost by having to have a different food option for the children (like I said - know any kids that like venison?).

Or should we just not provide any food for them?? Or change our entire dinner plans to a buffet just to accommodate the kids?! Or not invite some of our much loved friends, because someone else has five kids that we've only met twice in our life?

Re: things getting smashed. The last event I went to a kid was playing under a table and pulled down the table cloth to make some kind of forte (as kids do). They brought down an entire box of champagne glasses.

Entirely up to you and your DH-to-be.
Personally, I much preferred child free weddings when mine were small, and totally understand if we are invited as a couple only, even now they are teens. When given the option, I chose to go child-free at a couple of weddings. Just lovely to have a day/night out with dh to both be able to relax and enjoy ourselves.
Only on MN have I ever heard of any angst over this decision - in RL, people understand the reasons and, if they choose not to go because of it, well that's up to them.
I wouldn't invite 1 child from a family though - I think that's a bit odd, unless you've chatted it over with the parents first, and they think they'd like it.

Your wedding, your day although I would say the proviso is that if you have any friends/wider family with v small/BF babies they won't be able to come.

Go with what you want.

There may be a couple of people who don't understand and get offended. Well, tough on them.

It's weird. Everyone I know who prefers childfree weddings also accepts that weddings with children are preferred by others and that it is also a valid and happy choice for a wedding. No one says 'OMG, a wedding with children, that's not a proper wedding'. But it happens the other way round, people getting judgy about weddings without children. Odd, that, I wonder what it says about those people? They think their way is the only valid way and every other way is just plain wrong? How very self-important of them. I wouldn't miss them at my wedding.

I think child free weddings are absolutely fine if that's what you prefer, provided you obey 2 fundamental principles:

1. If you decide to make any exceptions to the general child-free rule then apply them fairly. If you decide that you will have children over the age of 10, then no 9 year olds can come. If you decide that Cousin X's children will be invited, then you have to also invite the children of Cousins Y and Z. You have to be completely fair and transparent about which children are in and which are out.

1. Don't get arsey (or let your mother get arsey!) if people decline because their children aren't invited. It might be a point of principle, it might be that they don't have any childcare, it might be a number of other reasons - but respect their decision.

Congratulations on your nuptials!

I have two opinions on this.

1. I think a wedding with children is lovely, if a bit chaotic at times. To exclude family children is even more sad.

2. It's the bride and groom's wedding. If they wish to have a child free wedding, then that is entirely up to them and guests should respect that. The couple should also respect that some couples will not be able to attend as a result.

IMHO, if I get an invite that says "Tommy & DH", I assume that the children haven't been invited and either go to the wedding just with DH or alone if we can't find childcare.

What I really don't like (and think is rude on an invitation) is putting "No children" in any guise. Just put the names of the people you want to invite on the invitation and then everyone knows.

My children are more often than not invited to parties that I am not invited to so I don't assume they should be invited to all the parties I go to!

I hate them.

A wedding is a celebration of the traditional idea of families past, present and future.

Oh - but for a childfree wedding I would make an exception for babes in arms. It's hard to leave little ones, hard to get babysitters, and they might be breastfed. And they don't have a seat/meal/run around the dancefloor so don't change the event. I can't see anyone feeling disgruntled about that exception.

I agree that putting "no children" on a wedding invite sounds a bit harsh. It's better to talk personally (or email personally) to those who have kids and explain.

Personally I prefer a childfree wedding, especially with the travelling. I've been to a few this summer and left the toddler with grandparents. There were brief moments during the day when I thought "oh, DD would love this food/dancing/great big garden" - but nowhere near as often as I thought "isn't this nice not having to worry about DD"! But then I like the rare opportunities to see my friends and talk properly without chasing after DD, enjoying a meal out while it is still hot, having a few drinks, being able to stay up late, and having a lie in in the morning.

If it was a local family wedding where there would be plenty of people to share childcare during the day, it might be nice to take DD. If it is a friend's wedding that I have to travel too, I prefer some quality adult time.

As you've said, it does mean a few people might not be able to come, but the same might happen if people have to travel any distance anyway. There can be loads of reasons why people can't make it to a wedding, not just childcare.

The worst wedding I went to recently was actually a ridiculously child-friendly wedding. It seemed such a nice idea (B&G had a young toddler too) but it actually meant that no one could focus on having a decent conversation and it just ended up feeling like an extended play-date to which you ridiculously wore heels and a dress, with the Pimms tempting you from the bar!

'A wedding is a celebration of the traditional idea of families past, present and future.'

No Elephant, that is your idea of a wedding, not everyone's.

OP, if you don't want and can't accommodate children, that's absolutely fine. It's your wedding, you are paying for it, and you have every right to limit the guest list. I wouldn't even make a big song and dance about it and fall over yourself to explain why. I'd just say, sorry no children. Some weddings I have been to have had a sort of two tier system where close family could bring their kids, but no one else could. I'd avoid that. It doesn't sit well.

I have a toddler, and to be honest I am more than happy to leave her at home, because if she attends my focus would have to be on making sure she was happy, quiet, fed, not bothering anyone, and I'd have to leave early. The last wedding I went to PILs looked after her. If they hadn't been able to I wouldn't have been able to go. I wouldn't have been terribly upset though. You probably aren't old enough to have gone through the phase where practically every weekend over the summer, and all your spending money is used up going to other people's weddings. It gets annoying. Ducking out of the odd one is actually quite nice! Kids are regularly used as an excuse

Just be aware that whatever you do someone will be upset about something. That is the nature of weddings. You can't please everyone all of the time, so my advice is please yourself.

For the invitations, we decided not to put "adults only" or anything like that. We just wrote specific names on the envelope, and on the rsvp's we wrote something like:

"We are able to attend"
"We are unable to attend"
"Total number of attendees: one//two"

We assumed that made it clear.

For families with older children, we simply had more numbers available on the rsvp's.

Ah, there is only one "babes in arms", but I'm hoping that they probably won't want to come anyway, considering the baby will only be a few weeks old, and it would be a three or four hour journey for them.

I've never met this person anyway, and we weren't invited to her wedding a few years back.

Elephantsneverforgive - that's fair enough. My question to you would be this: Presumably if you were invited to a child free wedding, you wouldn't go out of principle. But would you in turn get pissy and bad mouth the bride and groom?

Like I said, I don't mind if people decide not to come if their kids aren't invited, but I would be annoyed if that resulted in subsequent bad mouthing over our choice.

I had a child free wedding, there was no drama with regards to people who had kids not being able to bring them. I had one ask but I explained that it's adults only and it applied to everyone.

To be honest I like children but I wanted a certain theme, very old hollywood with people dancing and a pianist etc so it wasn't one of those family type of weddings. Could I have had kids there? Sure, but I didn't want them as it wasn't my vision.

We had a child free wedding (except for DD and two very small babies). We clearly addressed the invitations to the adults only and included a sentence on the insert which said something like " Unfortunately, due to the sheer number of our family and friends who've had children over the last few years we're only able to extend this invitation to small babies. We hope you can still make it".

We only had two people decline as a result of that rule and only one of them kicked up a fuss which just made her look a bit bonkers.

A wedding is a celebration of the traditional idea of families past, present and future.

In your opinion.

Enjoy your day OP! x

I would go along with the "your wedding, your rules" view as expressed earlier.

Went to an 'adults only' wedding last week - It was fantastic!! We are invited to a 'wedding with hoards of kiddies' next weekend, we are dreading it!!

It's your wedding. You are completely entitled to restrict the number of small potentially unruly chocolate covered guests. In the same way as you can avoid inviting adults who are often drunk and disorderly, or who you find offensive in some way. It's your perogative.

Don't explain anything. Be very explicit on the invitation as to who is invited.
If friends or family have a "babe in arms" closer to the date, then by all means contact them and extend the invitation.

The problem is, it's all subjective. You don't think the venue is suitable for small children and it probably isn't. A parent who wants to attend but doesn't want the cost or hassle of childcare will beg to differ and inviting an older child while leaving out the younger siblings will open up that question. A 7-8 yr old is more than capable of eating a reasonable sized meal, not running into the street and having fun on the dance floor until midnight

Bear in mind that at circa 10 per hour, to attend a "grown up wedding" for a day will add 100+ to the cost of attending your wedding. Even more so if an overnight stay is required. People will decline invitations due to hidden costs like this. Clothing children decently for a wedding will cost considerably more but this always seems to be forgotten about on MN It's just part and parcel of being a parent - you prioritise.