Adult only weddings - views

[kaykayblue]

Sorry if this is the wrong section to be asking this in, but I couldn't of anywhere more relevant to put it!

Basically I'm interested to know people's views on adult only weddings.

We are a relatively young couple, and don't have any children yet. Nor do any of our immediate family. A tiny minority of our close friends do, and we have already given them a heads up - they seemed more than happy to come alone and have some adult company away from the kids.

We are slightly worried about how our wider families will take it though, as there are about 15 or so kids in that group.

Aside from not wanting our wedding to essentially turn into a creche, we do have some objective reasons for not having young children there:

• The entire thing is going to be indoors in a relatively small venue, so there is no space for the kids to run around playing out of everyone's way

• The vast majority of guests don't have young children.

• Our caterer doesn't have different prices for children, so we would be paying full price for a plate of food that is basically going to be wasted

• The venue is not particularly child friendly - there is a balcony which will be accessible throughout the whole day/night, and there will be open fires.

• The venue has quite limited space (especially since we both have big families), so having children would mean not being able to invite that many of our friends.

• The kids that I know are relatively well behaved as far as children go, but they are obviously still children - there's always the odd screaming fit, things get smashed, they'll come running up to you and demand that you play with them...etc. All that is normal and I get that. It's just that we want the day to be totally chill. There is also a high chance that I would spend the whole day worrying that one of the kids would get chocolate or whatever on my dress.

If people don't want to come because they can't bring their children, then we would totally understand. But I'm a little worried that by inviting only "adults" (we are having some older children - younger teenagers), people might take it as some kind of personal insult to their children.

Am I worrying over nothing?

Elephants - you said "A wedding is a celebration of the traditional idea of families past, present and future."

So, what about people who don't have kids but have dogs and regard them as part of their family? Or people who do have kids and dogs and similarly regard them as part of their family?

I've never heard of people kicking off because their dog wasn't invited. Ah, but then you used the word traditional. So, that presumably means only weddings that take place in churches, because, you know, having a wedding in the grounds of a house isn't traditional.

In other words, what YOU see as a wedding is not the same as MY idea of a wedding. Or the OP's. Quite honestly, it's is absolutely no one's business who is invited or not invited or what the meal is or where it is held other than the bride or groom. If you, as an invitee, don't like the fact that your kids aren't invited or free transport isn't laid on, that is your choice and you decide not to go. But to slag off or bad mouth people for daring to choose what they want for their own wedding is really pretty low.

A wedding is a celebration of the traditional idea of families past, present and future

My heart always sinks when I hear the word "traditional".

Generally means that a person doesn't see anything else bar a 2.4, male-female, married couple as quite a proper family...

Haha - exactly Thurlow - a (lovely) friend of mine can't stand children. She was pretty vocal about not wanting kids at her wedding on her invitations in a very tongue in cheek way - it was like it or lump it and everyone apart from one very over-sensitive yummy mummy was totally fine and made other arrangements for their kids.

We had a child-free wedding.. The venue for after dinner was a mediaeval hall and had a large open fire in the middle with a metal guard round it which wouldn't have prevented any toddler or small child falling into it. We stated this on the invitations as the (genuine) reason for ours being a child-free wedding.

As it so happened none of our family had children (except a couple of teenagers) at the time and we discussed it with some of our friends who did. No one complained, some said they were pleased and were looking forward to some child-free time. I wasn't on Mumsnet then and no idea about the angst child free weddings can cause. Most of the ones I had been to by then were largely or totally adult-only affairs. I still like both types of wedding but, if I am honest, probably enjoy child-free ones slightly more now that we have DD to look after as they are not easy events to keep a small child entertained at.

That said, we have only been to family ones in the last few years and given that our family are not in the UK, it was a bit more logistically complicated when one of them was child-free. In the end, we all went for a long weekend, DH looked after DD during the day and after the dinner my parents went back to the house we were staying at and DH joined us for a drink and a dance (and some buffet). Everyone had a good time, although, bless him, he had a bit of catching up to do.

I would say use the safety issues as a reason not have children under a certain age and try to pick an age which doesn't bi-sect families if you can.

We were recently invited to DP's friend's wedding (who is also DS's godfather) which was 100 miles away from where the bride and groom (and us) actually live, and they specified childfree (including family children). It got closer to the time and we, sadly, were very low on funds (and had another local, child-friendly wedding the following week) so had to decline, which he was totally fine with.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is - on the day, turns out that his young nieces and nephews went along with parents dressed as flower girls, page boys, etc, and guests brought their children regardless of the specified no-children invitation. It happens. People sometimes ignore the invite and bring 'em anyway.

Hmmm. How do I avoid people bringing them anyway? That would sit incredibly badly with me, as I would consider it obnoxiously rude.

I would hope that people we are inviting would have the good manners to respect our wishes, rather than imposing their children on us when we will have no seats, no space, and no food for them. I was hoping to avoid having to ring around and specify that children weren't invited, as I thought it seemed a bit rude to make a call specifically to ram the point home.

But at the same time, if people might turn up with children, then I'm going to have to ask the ushers to turn them away. I can't think of any other way of dealing with it. Why should I "punish" people who did actually respect our wishes and arrange childcare, but allowing people who didn't to stay?

I honestly believe that no-one in our families would be rude enough to do that by the way, but now I have a seed of doubt in my head that's been sown!

I think you should have the wedding you want and if some of your invitees choose to get the hump then that's their prerogative but you shouldn't let it override your choices.

I think you really should specify on the invitation though as, even if you do, some people will try and ignore it - and if you don't, some people will just assume that of course you meant their children as well.
So I recommend that you specify that the venue is unsafe for children because of the reasons you've stated above; possibly even say that the venue is not insured to have children younger than X.

I don't think I know anyone who would be so incredibly rude, either KayKay - I certainly don't think it's typical behaviour amongst anyone I know.
If anyone were so rude - and I really can't imagine it - then I'd have no qualms about asking them what they thought they were doing, and explaining to them that the dc weren't invited, so therefore wouldn't be able to follow on to the Reception.

I didn't think they thought anyone would be so rude, either. But he didn't ring round beforehand and specify that no children were invited. It was just assumed through the invites. DP specifically asked, which is how we definitely know. I'd suggest it would definitely be worth letting people know so that no one can tell you they didn't realise.

Thanks Backforgood - we aren't getting married in a church (Cue some epic pearl clutching from some of the "traditionalists"), so the ceremony and reception are all in the same place.

I think it is wrong to not invite peoples children tbh.
I went to one recently where had they had no dc some of the guests who travelled and stayed over night would have been without their dc for a full 24 hours, thank God the B&G weren't arses and thought of this.
Then you are expected to but a present for somebody who doesn't want your kids, fuck that.
If its about you fuck off and get married with no f&f, if its about sharring with f&f then don't leave half of the family out.

How is being honest and upfront being an 'arse'?!

Really little kids don't care/won't remember and people should be able to be parted with their little darling for a few hours... it's healthy not to be joined at the hip.

Blimey, morethan, are you having a bad day today?

What about people who really don't mind being without their kids for more than 24 hours or in fact actually look forward to it?

Its up to you. There is no right or wrong. If your venue and budget and the general logistics of your wedding wont allow for children, thats fair enough and you should just communicate that to the guests with children upfront - if they don't understand, tough.

I never understand why people kick off ver this issue. I am a mum, but love child-free weddings (if I can get the childcare!). Both DH and I come from big families where weddings are raucous and there are tons of kids running around, which is lovely, but the best wedding I ever went to was an adults-only evening wedding. It was wonderful.

Agree with those who say child free weddings are fab. Most of my friends prefer them too.

I agree for some people it might be hard re childcare (it was for some friends at ours and one couple had to leave early, which I totally understood - it was a shame they couldnt stay, but then it had been their 3 kids that had shouted through the vows with no attempt to silence them by the parents at a wedding the previous year which had hardened my resolve to have no children).

We did have immediate family children (nieces, nephews).

Theres no right or wrong answer to this one. If someone wants to take the hump rather than just a no sorry we cant attend then I think that says more about them that it does about you.

don't have any problem with child-free weddings, as long as the b&g aren't arses if people can't attend because of it. My DD is very involved in our lives, we do very little without her, so a big night out with friends but no DC makes a nice change.

the whole 'families past present and future' - what about those couples who don't want DC? Or who may know already that they aren't able to have them? No wedding for them, I suppose .

morethan - I didn't realise that once a person became a parent, they had a device implanted inside of them which meant that they died if they were without their children for more than 23 hours. For the vast majority of people who this would affect, they would be no more than 45 minutes away from home, should the separation from their children for a few hours be too unbearable for them.

Why should the world of someone without children revolve around yours? Why should we have to pay hundreds of pounds extra just to accommodate other people's children, in a venue which isn't particularly suitable to children anyway?

This might be a strange concept for you, but I actually consider my friends and family as people in their own right. If someone has a child I still consider them as - yes - a parent, which doesn't have much to do with me, but also the person they are individually, separately to their children.

If someone invited you to a restaurant for their birthday party where they were paying for an open bar and paying for your meal, would you expect your children to be invited too? Would you consider that they have some sort of inalienable right to be there, and to be catered for, simply because they share your DNA? Would you refuse to go, or go and refuse to buy them even a token gift because your children weren't invited?

If the answer to that question is yes, then I sort of feel sorry for you.

You can do what you want. But I've been sad to see some friends with small children who have attended weddings recently, where one half of the couple is forced to spend the day/evening plodding around the park then sitting in a hotel room on their own with the baby, while their spouse is having fun up the road. Family time is really important for these young families where they work during the week and the weekend is the only time to see each other, and while it may be "healthy" and "fun" in some people's views for them to spend time apart, it seems harsh to make that decision for them. And of course, no-one is forcing them to attend, but when it's a close friend or family member, I think it's sad to make things harder rather than easier for them to attend.

And I think those of you who would be able to look a five year old in the face when they've been brought along to your wedding, say because do one, are really quite strange.

We didn't have any children at our wedding. Just because I didn't want them there. It was fine. Everyone came, even breast feeding mums, and there was no animosity.

Weddings are a nightmare to take children to imo. We're going to one next week and I am not looking forward to keeping my very hyper active ds still through the service, the meal, the speeches etc. and then I know he's going to collapse about 9pm, which means I'll be stuck in the hotel room while he sleeps listening to the noise from the evening party.
Dh is best man, so he he's not even sitting with us.

The only child friendly(ish) weddings tend to be the ones where the B&G have children of their own.

I went to one wedding where the only child allowed was the goddaughter of one of the couple, and she was a bridesmaid/flower girl. A bf'ing baby was grudgingly accepted as well but the mum was told in no uncertain terms that baby was to be taken out immediately if crying started (fair enough). I felt sorry for the goddaughter though - the only child at the wedding - they'd have been better off having no children there at all.

'And I think those of you who would be able to look a five year old in the face when they've been brought along to your wedding, say because do one, are really quite strange.'

I think that thinking anyone would go up to a five year old and tell them to do one, is really quite strange in itself. Who said they would do that?

Actually OP, if you go with childfree, I'm afraid there will be entitled parents who decide to bring their children anyway, or clueless parents who didn't realise that the fact that their children's names weren't on the invitation meant they weren't invited. I've been to weddings where it was spelled out on the invitation 'no children' and people have brought theirs.

What to do if that happens? I don't know. I suppose you could have someone on the door refusing entry (which isn't the same thing as telling a 5 year old to go do one) to the parents. If the kids are upset, it's the parents faults, not any one elses.

but usually people let them in. And every one else there mutters about how rude the parents are, or wonders if they can't they read.

Your day, your rules. Surely it's not the end of the world to be separated from your kids for a few hours?

I won't go to childfree weddings, whether family or friends. My time with DD is important to me and I don't feel the need to spend any time away from her. I like to see children at weddings, and I've never been to one where children were a problem. Being sarcastic about parents who wont/can't be seperated from their children would make you sound like an arse.

I had one Bridezilla get really foot stampy with me because I declined and one family member suddenly ask DD to be a Flowergirl when I declined her invite, but that's it. Otherwise everyone has been fine. Oh and it's not just weddings, it's pretty much any event that happens at a weekend - from birthday parties to BBQs. Even NYE is spent partying with DD, it's fun

I don't really get the angst on either part. Put out the invites, tell people it's adults only. Some will accept, some won't. Be gracious to both.