How do I handle BIL...after what he said?

[whiteblossom]

The last time I saw my BIL was two years ago. Ive refused to have him in the house since. DH keeps in touch (barely). BIL lives 2.5 hours drive away (but gets free flights & paid accommodation/food allowance but stayed with us)

The last time BIL stayed with us, the following morning he said that we don't make him feel welcome and that our lives continues as if he's not there...I pulled him up on it and gave examples of when we have supported him and welcomed him and he started back tracking but the damage had been done.

Before BIL comes, I clean the house from top to bottom, collect him from the airport/station, Cook meals I know he likes, table set all pretty with candles etc, get booze in, set up guest bed and make sure he is comfy, chat about his/our lives..I honestly don't know what more we could do? Ive even offered our home as a bolt hole when things get tough for him (relationship break down)

We have a ds who was 5/6 yr old when he said it, so by our lives going on yes ds has a rountine, goes to school/eats etc. We sometimes have the tv on in the background but no one takes any notice of it, no one sits watching it and ignoring him, we sit chatting to him at the dining table.

He's never offered to help clear up or help us with anything, He's never so much as brought a bottle of wine, he's never invited us over to his house...yet he's gets paid by work while at ours, so he makes money on it.

and yet dh invited him to stay again this week for a night...

Yes I'm curious about the NC with your husband's parents too.

Not to justify no contact.

She's going to be 'civil', but not make up a bed. Nice. She's going to be 'civil' but make him feel unwelcome.

She sounds incredibly controlling.

I think the massive amount of stirring he did when the OP and her DH fell out with the ILs covers it however. This is not AIBU. The OP has asked for advice. She doesn't have to justify a thing.

I hope all went OK, OP.

Come to think of it, my SIL would go to great lengths to ready a guest room for me. She might even put flowers in there. She'd still make me feel unwelcome.

Anyway, OP. You've got what you wanted. another baby. You can now go back on your promise to resume contact with your BIL. After all, your DP can't go back on his promise to give you a baby.

You know the reason I hate this section of MN. Because of the hysteria and posters giving the Spanish Inquisition and just generally judging, rather than being constructive.

It no one else's bloody business why the OP is NC and I find it pretty disgusting that someone comes along accusing her of 'instigating' etc.

If the OP is being rude in anyway to her BIL on this visit by not making a bed and only wanting to be civil, then I don't see whats wrong with that. I'm also 37 weeks pregnant and frankly, doing anything more than the bare minimum is as much as I can do right now. I would not want ANY guess right now because of the stress. Not even the people I care about the most!

I think more than a couple of posters on this thread have been well out of line and exceptionally rude. As Whocansay points out, this is NOT AIBU, and this section is supposed to be supportive.

If you think the OP is in the wrong, thats fine, but you need to learn how to phrase that a lot more tactfully and in a constructive and support manner, rather than frankly being utterly bitchy about it.

Thank You Red, I was thinking the same about the lack of support by a few.

I am not a regular poster and was quietly wondering to myself if I was in the correct board.

More (((((((((((((((((((((Hugs OP))))))))))))))))))))))))

I shall be civil from now on.

Dh has made up bed
Dh went to shop for food etc, has set table etc
It is his brother so he can do it. Where does it say that I have to do it?!
Bil still has the same level of 'hosting' only its dh doing the leg work.
Bil knows no difference. I have been more than civil, even cracked a few smiles and laughes.

Dh has NOT been nc with his db, as far as I am concerned he can see him whenever he likes. I have never stopped dh seeing anyone I wouldn't dream of it nor could I if I wanted too!

Thank you red and ginger, I suspect you have both experienced something similar in your lifes.

My parents are very level fair headed people and they totally understand why we are nc with il's in fact my mum has been close to writing to them herself as she is so shocked and angered by their behaviour.

Being nc with mil and fil has no relevance and was completely justified. Ive mentioned other members of dh family have suffered and at present they too are not talking to them.

Umm OK. Thanks

maybe your SIL has a reason for making you feel unwelcome, however. People who make snide bitchy comments don't find themselves generally popular.

the BIL sounds a complete shit, if you read the followup posts. Made a bad situation 100 times worse.

OP, I hope you've survived. It sounds like this situation with your husband is now the real problem. I hope you can somehow sit down and talk calmly about it because his behaviour, specially at this point, is really not on.

Best of luck with the pregnancy and birth, I do hope you can concentrate on your little one and this unpleasantness hasn't spoiled it.

I think it's quite normal to weigh up family dynamics when getting to know in-laws over time. And if you think your DH gets a raw deal you stand up for him.

Presumably this couple went nc with PILs because the relationship deteriorated. It doesn't automatically mean OP is an abrasive perdonality or came in like a whirlwind and unilaterally declared hostilities. BIL pushed OP's buttons once too often.

Don't quite get how the "Be nice to DB and we can have another baby" deal was brokered but DH felt OP had reneged on it and was on the warpath.

So close to your due date whiteblossom it seemed extremely unlucky timing BIL required an overnight stay for a wedding. I don't think DH is too hard done by since his brother has rolled up (empty handed or bearing at least something for DS?) and is at present being catered to. Good luck.

((((((((((((((Hugs OP)))))))))))))

My reply was to However, Not you

OP ((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))) yes I have BTDT.

Got the t-shirt

You know you DH best. at teh end of this, when his bro disses him. How will he think on that issue again. Will he just go. Meh, thats who my bro is, or will he finally see your point ?

Donkey, your kidding right. Of course he came empty handed.
Dh and I did not broker a deal, baby/bil thats daft it was part of a final convo to have 2nd child and it made dh think about the relationship with his family. Dh was adamant that we wanted to maintain a r/ship with his brother. Given my feelings I said I would make an effort with bil. There was no talk of forgiving and forgetting. I felt I owed dh that much given that he had agreed to a second (it meant far more to me than him). No trade off just how I feel. It seams dh felt that way too Given his ccomment.

WhiteBlossom, Does your Hubs have Friends? loyal friends? many friends? or is he a loner.

My Hubs was able to talk through his bro probs with a friend over many bears

I didnt have to say 'cut off Bil' because his friends already told him to say to his bro where to stick it

*Bil isnt actually CUt off. but he isnt welcome either

Bears ??????????????

I meant Beers lol

Ginger, 'hubs' is banned on MN.

And rightly so ;)

Sorry, but this has got to be the biggest over-reaction I've possibly ever read on MN. OK, so your BIL was an ungrateful pratt two years ago. You should have called him on it at the time, not let it fester and forced your husband into dramatic "him or me" choices.

"Heart-broken after all my efforts." Really?

The kindest thing to do is to put it down to pregnancy hormones and move on. No, your dh shouldn't have shouted and got cross about it, but tbh, I sympathise with him. This whole state of affairs is ridiculous. You've made your point; BIL didn't appreciate your efforts last time, so you don't want to bother again. You didn't. Your dh prepared everything. Job done.

Hope the baby arrives safely - agree that you should get your blood pressure checked and take it easy until your due date.

Oppps Sorry didnt know.

As I said upthread, Im not a regular here. Why is it banned ?

more ((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) OP

Because Hubs, Hubby, Hun, lil man and the like set the collective MN teeth on edge, and it will have several hundred MNers recoiling from their screens in horror.

Didn't intend to sound bossy.

What clam said.

And I say and type 'hubby' and don't give a tiny toot what the mn collective thinks about it.

BerylStreep Sat 16-Aug-14 09:09:21
Because Hubs, Hubby, Hun, lil man and the like set the collective MN teeth on edge, and it will have several hundred MNers recoiling from their screens in horror.

Didn't intend to sound bossy.

no, thats fine, I really didnt know, I guess my personal nic for my DH being 'the Hubster' is also out

More ((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) Op. Any Update ?

Better than my DH's personal NN for me, which is the Chubster!

Beryl

LTB