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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I handle BIL...after what he said?

128 replies

whiteblossom · 11/08/2014 14:55

The last time I saw my BIL was two years ago. Ive refused to have him in the house since. DH keeps in touch (barely). BIL lives 2.5 hours drive away (but gets free flights & paid accommodation/food allowance but stayed with us)

The last time BIL stayed with us, the following morning he said that we don't make him feel welcome and that our lives continues as if he's not there...I pulled him up on it and gave examples of when we have supported him and welcomed him and he started back tracking but the damage had been done.

Before BIL comes, I clean the house from top to bottom, collect him from the airport/station, Cook meals I know he likes, table set all pretty with candles etc, get booze in, set up guest bed and make sure he is comfy, chat about his/our lives..I honestly don't know what more we could do? Ive even offered our home as a bolt hole when things get tough for him (relationship break down)

We have a ds who was 5/6 yr old when he said it, so by our lives going on yes ds has a rountine, goes to school/eats etc. We sometimes have the tv on in the background but no one takes any notice of it, no one sits watching it and ignoring him, we sit chatting to him at the dining table.

He's never offered to help clear up or help us with anything, He's never so much as brought a bottle of wine, he's never invited us over to his house...yet he's gets paid by work while at ours, so he makes money on it.

and yet dh invited him to stay again this week for a night...

OP posts:
Charley50 · 14/08/2014 12:55

I agree with Pictish. OP you could be seen as being controlling and unforgiving. It's only one night. Loads of us aren't that keen on family or in-laws. Dunno why people are psychoanalysing it to the max. He's a bit tight, you've got very high expectations of people. Just get over it and let your DH enjoy the visit. Maybe try accepting Bil for who he is and you might enjoy it too.

GingerBlondecat · 14/08/2014 13:05

Im psychoanalysing it to the max because I
ve been in a similar position. But I didn't give in.

And honestly It was the best for my relationship. I finally got listened to and some respect. Now that I Know im listened to I can relax my stance. In my own timeline.

For the OP to 'Forgive her Bil, first she has to feel she has been 'heard/listened to.

She needs to feel validated.

GingerBlondecat · 14/08/2014 13:05

Ps, we celelbreate our 30th wedding anni this year :)

Cabrinha · 14/08/2014 13:10

So, you agreed to him coming.

It sounds to me like your H was getting the outpouring that perhaps would have been better placed on here!
You wanted support maybe for your feelings, maybe recognition that you're right to leave him to it ?

If I thought this was dealt with, I would be pissed off that you were - in my eyes - still going on about it.

I'm not a shouter. One of my sisters is though, and she'd shout "FFS will you ever just STFU about this now?"
For me, I will not tolerate being shouted at, but I have friends who are shouters. Even though I understand why you went out, tbh I'd be more angry at you going out for hours than I would at someone shouting. But being ignored is v hard for me

I get arguing over him coming. I don't get arguments over moving on / forgiving. He can't MAKE you do that. A better response would be to say "how can WE move on?"

If it was all agreed about you not doing anything, why bring it up?

Look, you've just thrown in that his family ruined having your first baby. So is this reaction more because it's thrown all that up again?

You keep saying he has never been like this. If that is true, the pair of you should get to counselling to work out what the real issue here is.

It just seems a massive over reaction from you both, so there must be something else? And whilst you're rowing about a non event that is sorted now - you're distracting yourselves from the cause of the resentment that you need to fix.

BerylStreep · 14/08/2014 13:10

I would have cracked up if my DH invited someone like this without discussing it with me.

He sounds like an entitled knob. To steal the words of an American president, you should say to him 'ask not what we can do for you, but what you do for us?'.

It does't sound like he does anything for you at all, completely dismisses the effort you go to, and feels entitled enough to complain about it.

It really would be better all round if he stayed at a hotel. After all, his company pay for it.

Charley50 · 14/08/2014 13:36

You could also be seen as attempting to isolate him from his family. Just playing devil's advocate here...

BerylStreep · 14/08/2014 13:42

Sorry, hadn't read the full thread before I posted my last post.

I think you need to see your GP and get your blood pressure checked. The whole environment of him shouting, giving you silent treatment, and you crying, doesn't seem very healthy for you or your baby, regardless of the rights or wrongs of the situation.

When is BIL coming to stay?

If it were me I would be inclined to either stay at my Mum's for a night, feigning illness, or greet your BIL sweetly, then go to bed, feigning illness.

OnlyLovers · 14/08/2014 14:00

Christ, your DH is a piece of work, isn't he?

I think your BIL is a tosser and your DH enables him.

I wouldn't have BIL in the house after the comment he made. I don't care if people think that makes me a grudge-bearer. If you're a guest, particularly a frequent one, you are grateful for whatever your hosts do for you (and it sounds as though you went way beyond with cleaning, cooking and hosting).

You certainly bring the odd bottle of wine or offer to chip in or do some of the food shops.

If my DP invited someone to stay without consulting me, I'd be less than impressed even if I liked them. And if he ordered me Hmm to do anything, I'd consider asking him to pack his bags.

In your shoes I'd tell your DH 1) you do not scream and shout at me, 2) it is not OK to invite someone to stay without asking me, 3) your brother is not welcome here after the ongoing ingratitude he's shown and 4) if he comes to stay I will leave for the night and you can look after him and our child alone.

Beeyump · 14/08/2014 14:10

Seriously?

OnlyLovers · 14/08/2014 14:22

What, me?

BIL's attitude aside, just the partner phoning up to scream and shout, then coming home to scream and shout some more, and ordering his partner about, would be unacceptable on its own for me.

madamemuddle · 14/08/2014 14:26

Totally agree with OnlyLovers.

I'd be gong to my parents for the night I think.

Joysmum · 14/08/2014 14:47

Family tolerates things that friendships don't.

You don't seem to appreciate that. You're the one who escalated this.

Your the one who thinks DH relationship with his brother should be permanently compromised because of such a petty exchange 2 years ago. This is about you supporting your DH's wishes and not playing the martyr.

GingerBlondecat · 14/08/2014 14:51

Joysmum Thu 14-Aug-14 14:47:15
Family tolerates things that friendships don't.

Family means LOVE. You are meant to treat your Family BETTER than Friends/Strangers, not the other way around

She treated her Bil like a KING and got trodden on for it.

Treat me bad once, meh.

Treat me bad continuously. Hell NO

Nomama · 14/08/2014 14:51

Absolutely agree, Joysmum. And as I have already said, I detest my BIL, utterly and for far, far worse behaviour than OPs BIL.

DH knows I will be civil but also knows that, if possible, I'd prefer not to be in a position geographically closer than 5 miles, hence my previous advice Smile

OnlyLovers · 14/08/2014 14:59

I don't think the OP wants her DH to have a compromised relationship with his brother, just that SHE doesn't want a relationship with him if he can't behave a bit less badly.

As far as I can see, both the BIL and the DH have been acting like arses, throwing their weight around. Pairs of twats. Why put up with that?

GingerBlondecat · 14/08/2014 15:05

If this was just a case of OP being civil to her Bil. I agree, she can do that. and should do that.

But she is being required (by DH) to bring on all the lavish Hosting she is known for. And that is asking too much, for someone that treats one like Dirt.

OnlyLovers · 14/08/2014 15:09

Quite, Ginger*.

On another note, Nomama, I've been meaning for ages to say to this: I pinned him to a wall by his throat and told him if he ever raised a hand to me again I would tear his head off!

All RIGHT!!! Grin

Original poster
whiteblossom · 14/08/2014 15:41

joysmum- I have said dh can see his bil any bloody time just not in our house. Ive never stopped him. DH could go to his house- Oh no bil has never invited him-for those that shout you don't need an invite, hes family, well in dh family you do and you need to book about 6 months in advance.

As for isolation- well we have seen two sets of auntys/uncles and his grandmother just a few months/weeks ago. They invited us, in fact the rest of dh family is lovely and some reached out to us when we when nc with inlaws to say they understood and they too have been on the receiving end of nastiness and they too have emails to prove it.

Thanks ginger, I did treat him like a king and all he did was
as stab us in the back (as yes their is more back story!!) I treated bil better than my own family!!! That's because that's what they expect and dh upholds it. Yet this is NEVER returned.

v.short b/story. BIL refused to be a sympathetic ear to dh when things imploded with IL's. He didn't want to talk/hear about it or get involved in any way. When he came to stay two yrs ago, while I was in the shower he started to talk about the situation with dh (their parents has put bil up to it). I overheard heated voices and came to get ds1 out of the room. BIL admits he started the convo and said he agreed and understood why we had fallen out with IL's he even stated that should dh & I not have had a convo with IL's- that at some point in the future he and his (now) wife would have to have it... He then went back to FIL and said that our convo "was a complete and utter character assignation of mum" (meaning MIL).

So rather than listen, support or just talk issues through he made things a million times worse. I'd over looked this along with everything else over the years but the comment about our hosting took the biscuit. It was the last straw for me.

for what its worth Ive had two spare room offers thanks, Ill stay and see how things pan out. BIL kindly confirmed last night that he will def; be staying tonight- after thinking about it for three days or so. I wont be lifting a finger as dh is aware.

OP posts:
GingerBlondecat · 14/08/2014 15:52

More (((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) and Good Luck for tonight.

BerylStreep · 14/08/2014 19:01

Yes, good luck.

Even without the whole BIL backstory thing going on, you are 37 weeks pregnant! I wouldn't have been hosting even my nearest & dearest then.

Nomama · 14/08/2014 20:47

OnlyLovers thanks Smile

I had lots of witnesses too Grin

Nomama · 14/08/2014 20:47

whiteblossom

I hope all is calm with you. It will soon be morning...

BerylStreep · 15/08/2014 08:32

Hope all went well last night.

however · 15/08/2014 08:49

I keep reading the OP and trying to find justification for going NC with BIL for 2 years. I can't find it.

I'd love to know why you're NC with his parents. Did you instigate that as well?

BerylStreep · 15/08/2014 08:58

however OP has given plenty of examples in her posts.

I wouldn't welcome someone like that into my home.

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