Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I handle BIL...after what he said?

128 replies

whiteblossom · 11/08/2014 14:55

The last time I saw my BIL was two years ago. Ive refused to have him in the house since. DH keeps in touch (barely). BIL lives 2.5 hours drive away (but gets free flights & paid accommodation/food allowance but stayed with us)

The last time BIL stayed with us, the following morning he said that we don't make him feel welcome and that our lives continues as if he's not there...I pulled him up on it and gave examples of when we have supported him and welcomed him and he started back tracking but the damage had been done.

Before BIL comes, I clean the house from top to bottom, collect him from the airport/station, Cook meals I know he likes, table set all pretty with candles etc, get booze in, set up guest bed and make sure he is comfy, chat about his/our lives..I honestly don't know what more we could do? Ive even offered our home as a bolt hole when things get tough for him (relationship break down)

We have a ds who was 5/6 yr old when he said it, so by our lives going on yes ds has a rountine, goes to school/eats etc. We sometimes have the tv on in the background but no one takes any notice of it, no one sits watching it and ignoring him, we sit chatting to him at the dining table.

He's never offered to help clear up or help us with anything, He's never so much as brought a bottle of wine, he's never invited us over to his house...yet he's gets paid by work while at ours, so he makes money on it.

and yet dh invited him to stay again this week for a night...

OP posts:
Whocansay · 14/08/2014 08:19

If someone spoke to me like that at 37 weeks pregnant, I'd get in my car and go to a place of security. What a nasty bully your 'd'h is. He's got his own way, so is happy to carry on as before.

I'm not saying LTB, but can you stay with your mum until after BIL has been. I think you will continue to find this stressful and that's something you should avoid right now.

Vivacia · 14/08/2014 08:25

(You could engineer an excuse on your mum's part as a reason to stay there, or spend a lot of time there).

pictish · 14/08/2014 08:27

How is the dh a nasty bully? Because he shouted? Or because he expects his brother to be welcome in his own home?

If my dh tried to interfere with my family relationships by refusing entry because one of them said something once he didn't like - I'd shout too.

And so the fuck would you.

Vivacia · 14/08/2014 08:31

That's a bit strong pictish.

Original poster
whiteblossom · 14/08/2014 08:32

cabrina, not an exchange but I felt I owed dh to try with his brother, to me that meant him allowed back in our home and putting a smile on my face which wasn't good enough for dh when push came to shove. candles Grin that made me laugh-yes candles, we have to pull out ALL the stops for DH's family. Im just waiting for delivery of a red carpet for the driveway. Oh and the ONLY thing we argue about is his family. See attilas response.

Lairy, four days of crying over how my dh has treated me, He has ignored me, given me the silent treatment, seethed- all of which are things he never does. He has shouted, screamed, demanded and not cared one single bit about how upset I am and that Im pg and felt forced out of the house due to his mood- banging and slamming things, again something he dosent usually do. NOT over his fucking brother, I wouldn't waste my energy over him.

I would like to point out I had ALREADY agreed to his brother coming, I had ALREADY agreed to be civil to him. The argument was that I had to forgive and forget, move on and pretend it never happened. That dh figures it ok for bil to slate our (my) hosting and then come back for more- hypocrite! (yet never once having been to any of his homes, oh yes he has one overseas too)

Attila, totally agree with what your saying as I often do. However I don't think DH ever will.

Funky, dh is doing everything, shopping, bed whatever else. I will just be here.

Ptumbi, that's my concern too. DH's family totally ruined having our first child and this time I figured they are out of our lives...no chance they will rear their heads again. Even dh expressed concern over that yesterday.

Ill shut up now I could fill pages.

OP posts:
pictish · 14/08/2014 08:36

Seriously...turn this around so it's the OP's sibling coming to stay, two years after expressing an ill conceived but ultimately ignorable comment, that pissed the dh off. Imagine it was the dh making this fuss about his dw's sibling's visit.

You'd all be telling her how controlling he is, wouldn't you?

Original poster
whiteblossom · 14/08/2014 08:36

once again would like to point out I HAD ALREADY AGREED TO BIL COMING AND STAYING AND BEING CIVIL. this was ALL prior to dh screaming and shouting, it started because said I wont go out of my way for him, ie cleaning cooking, making bed etc. so DH said I had to drop it.

Is that any clearer Grin

OP posts:
FragileBrittleStar · 14/08/2014 08:43

I think you need to take a step back- was what your BIL said that bad or is it the overall relationship that is your issue?
on the visiting side- it depends whether BIL is there as a guest- ie he's come to see you -in which case I would have expected you to make him feel welcome-it may be that you did everything that you would normally do for a guest and he just didn't appreciate it -or it may be that you as a family could have done more- or maybe it was clear that he wasn't welcome? It may be though that you didn't view him as your guest -just someone using your house as a convenience in which case I wouldn't expect you to treat him as a guest- change your lives- but did he agree which one it is?
Re DH-it sounds like you both want your own way and are trying to insist that the other one has to agree-compromise? you say he doesn't care how upset you are- do you care how upset he is? i am guessing the agreement to let BIL visit made 9 months ago didn't mean that you had to elt him in the house while seething with resentment but was supposed to let bygones be bygones

HappySunflower · 14/08/2014 08:57

Why are you staying there?

I would go and stay somewhere else whilst BIL is there, and probably way beyond that period of time after the way your husband has treated you.
How bloody dare he!

pictish · 14/08/2014 09:13

Yes you agreed to it, but you are clearly not happy about it, and are determined to keep your resentment going, before during and after his one-night-in-two-years visit.

If my dh did this, I'd think him an absolute git.

Oh and oh my God - my brother says inappropriate/blunt shit a lot! He's an unempathetic asshat, but he's still my brother, he's not a complete cretin, and my dh puts up with him on his rare visits to our home, with good grace and makes him welcome.

Similarly, dh's brother is a twat as well. He's a spoiled, trouble making know-it-all who has given me cause to be furious in the past.

But he's dh's brother, and our door will always be open to him and we will always welcome either of the knobby brothers as family.
It's no skin off our noses...neither of them feature in our daily lives, so it's not an issue to bounce back and have harmony rather than discord the aim of the game.

he said that we don't make him feel welcome and that our lives continues as if he's not there...I pulled him up on it and gave examples of when we have supported him and welcomed him and he started back tracking but the damage had been done

If your bil had said something terrible to you, I'd sympathise more, but his comments in the first instance were pretty inane really, and when he realised you were offended, he quickly tried to right his gaff.
You said the damage was done....and unless there's some grave back story I don't know about, I think you were being melodramatic...just like you are now.

Nishky · 14/08/2014 09:22

A few pages back you said you were staying in dh's parents house for a holiday but were NC with dh's parents. How does that work?Confused

Original poster
whiteblossom · 14/08/2014 09:37

nishky that was about 10 years ago, we have been nc for three years.

pictish Im wondering if your my dh. Im sure there is plenty of back history but I have ALWAYS made bil welcome. Perhaps this is why it smarts so much. But then if I say something that has upset someone I don't ignore it and them for two years then act as if nothing has happened I hold my hands up and apologise but then I guess your a bigger and better person than me.

OP posts:
pictish · 14/08/2014 09:47

You seem to hold on to resentment intensely, where I wouldn't, and don't.
I have plenty of flaws of my own...but holding grudges isn't one of them. I'm lazy, and like an easy life, so I can't be bothered.

No grave insult was measured at you.
Let it go now.

pictish · 14/08/2014 10:00

And look...regards your dh and his shouting...with all the best will in the world, days of emotional pressure (and let's face it, this subject is not new between you), sniping, arguing and tears over this...
I'd defy anyone not to lose the plot. I'm not a shouter, and it takes a lot to make me lose my temper...but I could see it happening under those circumstances.

Vivacia · 14/08/2014 10:35

I have ALWAYS made bil welcome. Perhaps this is why it smarts so much.

There's a middle ground though between martyring yourself and being rude.

But then if I say something that has upset someone I don't ignore it and them for two years then act as if nothing has happened I hold my hands up and apologise

Some siblings are just like this though - bad behaviour is tolerated. Perhaps it's unhealthy family dynamics or perhaps it's because the lifelong relationship outweighs it?

Vivacia · 14/08/2014 10:36

The shouting, banging doors etc I would have an issue with though. It's absolutely unacceptable in this house from anyone.

pictish · 14/08/2014 10:46

Ours too, but honestly...I think the circumstances are actually quite acute in this instance.
There's none of us omniscient in our serenity. None of us!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/08/2014 10:48

If he likes stirring I'd not give BIL the satisfaction of thinking he'd got under your skin so much.

Beeyump · 14/08/2014 10:58

Jeez Laweeez, I agree with pictish. It all sounds very tiring.

pictish · 14/08/2014 11:08

It's one night.
She doesn't have to scatter petals, but if I were her partner I would expect basic hospitality at the very least, rather than making a childish pointed protest over an (at worst) ungracious comment two years ago, and expecting to be supported in doing so. I know OP has agreed to the visit, but she's not going to make it pleasant if she can help it.

Her bil intrudes on their daily life not a jot. She does not have to maintain a relationship with him.
But he is her husband's brother, he wants him to come, and given that it's his home too and nothing gratuitously offensive occurred in the first place, I can sympathise with his frustration.

And that is coming from someone who also cries if someone shouts.

pictish · 14/08/2014 11:17

To clarify, I don't think she has to cook or lay on the ritz for the grand guest, but I do think she ought to climb back down to the land of perspective, where we shrug the small stuff like this off, and have a nice time anyway.

VeryLittleGravitasIndeed · 14/08/2014 11:33

OP were you brought up to believe that hospitality and welcoming guests / being a good guest are very important? Because this sounds very much like a values clash to me - you sound like you're expressing deep hurt that BIL has attacked something you feel defines you fundamentally.

As for your DH, I'd guess that there is something more going on - are you sure he's 100% ok with the second baby? It doesn't seem like it. He might be in FOG but he also might be using the BIL thing as an excuse to kick off about the baby now it's so close to your due date.

In any case, you both need to have a long, calm, deep chat about all of this. Or the damage will be permanent.

GingerBlondecat · 14/08/2014 12:04

still more (((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))).

At this point Counselling is a must. You need to find a way to communicate with each other.

He totally railroaded you into this.

And.............. Forgive yourself for giving in. It's done, diddly Done. Put it behind you now.

Beeyump · 14/08/2014 12:14

I don't see it as railroading, exactly.

GingerBlondecat · 14/08/2014 12:42

Between Giving her the angry 'silent treatment' and the Angry 'Yelling a conversation' and not hearing her view/feelings/needs at all ....................