Has anyone else been in this situation - husband calls me a f*cking b*tch

[nappyrat]

And I am so confused.

We recently had our first baby, and when he did it in front of him (had done it before then a fair bit, but it got worse when the baby arrived), but doing it in front of the baby basically signalled a new response from me, which was that I felt it was completely unacceptable.

12 months on, he has now moved out today, at my request.

And it has suddenly hit me that I may never now have the life I imagined, with him. And my baby may never now have her father living with him. And that at Christmases when we have to share our baby, I will feel like dying because my baby isn't with me, like he should be, because I am his mum....:(((( Crying at this...I can't bear the idea of this...

He seems to do it because he loses his temper. Which he does fairly regularly. Always later blames it on me, but then maybe it is partly due to me, I know I behave badly at times - am lazy, unreasonable etc. This is fact, it's not me being 'poor me'.

He is a professional man, earns £100k+ in a blue chip company, is generally well respected. And actually I think he loves me. He just cannot control his temper.

He has never hit me, we've been together 10+ years.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I could really do with some advice. I am so confused. There are lots of good points about the relationship, but I have been brought up to think that his behaviour is completely unacceptable. But on many other levels, he is a good man.

Would you want this for your son? Would you want your baby to grow up and live with someone who spoke to him this way?

And likewise, he is not the archetypal 'bully husband' - he can be very loving, he is generous, he is honest, and generally a decent man.

Sounds like the archetypal bully husband to me. It's what about 70% of people who post here say about their abusive partners.

'I know I shouldn't say it but you make me angry' is also classic.

thanks hairy. Appreciate your (& everyone else's) company on what has been a very difficult evening...

I think I am going to stand firm for now - he has moved out. I am not begging him to return.

I may write to him next few days and outline why things have to change and make it clear that I do love him and would like things to change.

Thankyou, was having a major wobble and I think I feel more positive now. xox

Take care nappyrat. You are doing really well x

waffly - your first line is what made me ask him to move out. That's exactly what I said to him.

But I am also doing things that I am sure could be seen as 'classic' XYZ whatever psycho-term behaviour too.

I acknowledge there is classic emotional blackmail behaviour from him - and I am wise to it, and tend to discount it.

But there is also bad - bullying / controlling whatever - behaviour from me, too.

We are both in the wrong to a certain extent, but it is his extent that has gone too far for our child, which is why I have initiated him moving out.

I would love it all to be black and white, but it's not.

thanks scallops. BTW, what do you mean by 'he is self absorbed'? I genuinely don't know what that means, am not trying to be difficult!

Seriously nappyrat, get the book by Lundy Bancroft I mentioned upthread.

There is a difference between reacting to abusive behaviour (to gain back some control) and abusive behaviour. The calling him an f'ing c*nt is a classic example. You basically put up with months of lack of support and neglect from him and snapped. That is not abuse.

ok, will look it up. thanks scallops.

By the self absorbed comment I meant he is only seeing things from his perspective but also he is projecting his behaviour on to you. He can only understand his way of thinking and expects you to think/behave like him. He would be game-playing (probably already is) so he is assuming you are.

Yep....my stbxh called me a FB too, and in front of our daughter, and it was always my fault. I asked him not to, then told him not to, then told him if he did it again we were done. We are done.

I get that arguments can include name calling, but it was the lack of an apology, the blaming and the refusal to change that became the deal breaker in the end.

P.S. self-absorbed may have been the wrong word to use. I knew what I meant at the time

waves

Soz, admittedly i havent read the entire thread but the "fucking cunt" came from me.

Well even if we accept that you are as bad as him (maybe you are!) then you are still better off apart for everyone's sakes.

I think some sort of counselling (for you alone) might be a good idea. You say you came from a lovely home and you are not cowed, or lacking confidence but you have been with him from a young age and it might be worth unpicking things a bit whether the end conclusion is you have been as bad as each other or not.

Apologies MrsHairyPoppins, so it did!

My Mum and a Dad had a very volatile, shouty relationship. I am similar with my DH, and also guilty of losing my rag too easily with the kids. But I never, ever call anyone names. It is quite strange to me that some people find this acceptable in a relationship.

If a man can be this verbally abusive at all, let alone when you have a newborn, it SCREAMS 'get out!'

I always worry about the escalation of shitty behaviour from men after a child arrives on the scene. Its so predictable. Oh, he works soooo hard and earns 100k. Great. So you deserve to be at home caring for his child and being called a fucking bitch for your contribution?!

My DH has NEVER called me names or sworn at me. Ever. Don't accept it. Soon enough your child's ears will be open to Daddy calling Mummy names.

Oh love, you have done the right thing. Really you have.

My ex used to call me a "fucking lazy bitch" "fucking selfish cow" and all the rest. It was miserable even though it wasn't all the time. The nice parts weren't relaxed and happy because I was always on edge trying not to do anything which would tip him over into that state.

I left five years ago just before Christmas and it was the best thing I ever did. It was really difficult at first and you really do run through every emotion several times and back again, but it gets better.

Read the Lundy book. Do the freedom project if you can access it. Concentrate on your beautiful baby, OK, outline to him what needs to change if you want to, but resist any temptation to do anything but that. You really need some space from each other to work out what you want. If change is genuine, then it needs to come from him. There's nothing wrong with giving him the information about which parts you're finding hard to live with but he needs to take the initiative about how to do that for himself.

And hang on - this - 'I know I shouldn't have spoken like that, you just made me really angry. is NOT an apology! He's not accepted the responsibility at all. He's shifted that onto you. He's making his anger your problem by claiming that you made him angry.

No, what he should have said was "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have spoken like that, I just got really angry".

Huge difference and the fact he chose the former speaks volumes. It's probably not a conscious choice, don't get me wrong, but it reveals a lot about his mindset - he doesn't think his aggressive words or actions are his fault, he feels his anger (and therefore his actions) are justified.

If you're going to say this kind of thing to him, BTW, I wouldn't spell it out so much.

So for example what would be a good thing to say is "You need to take responsibility for your anger" and/or "You have to stop blaming me and everyone else for your anger" but not "You need to apologise for things and mean it" - it's easy to fake an apology or for him to tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Harder for him to swallow the responsibility if he doesn't feel that.

I understood the self absorbed comment. It's a "poor me" kind of thing. Like he believes that the world revolves around him, he's just wandering along happily doing his own thing and suddenly YOU'RE being unreasonable, you're playing games, he's lost everything, blah blah.

I mean a compassionate person on learning they had upset their partner would be mortified, upset and feel guilt and compassion. Instead (and I mean, this can't be a huge shock out of nowhere. You've told him you're unhappy before. It would have been obvious with body language and other communication etc as well. People don't just act like everything is fine and then kick out their partners.) he's let it get to the point where you literally can't stand to live with him any longer and instead of thinking "Oh shit I've really messed this up" or anything else he's gone straight to blaming you. It's like he hasn't even considered that he might be in the wrong.

BTW, your baby is one year old? No court in the land would make a one year old stay overnight away from his primary carer. If you are happy with this of course and want to do that, that is fine. But no, if you don't think he is ready then you don't have to send him overnight for a long while yet. His dad can see him in the day (it's recommended to start contact for shorter periods and slowly increase the time unless he's already used to spending a lot of time with him.)

Another strong recommendation for Lundy Bancroft.

All the things you're saying, nappyrat, are very typical and predictable where there is abuse, sadly. And it's true that no marriage is perfect, and no-one is perfect; but that doesn't mean that anything less than perfect is abusive, or that abuse is common. Moreover, all of us are (for example) lazy, or unreasonable, or imperfect sometimes: that never means abuse is justified, or that we could avoid if we just behaved better.

You did the right thing in standing firm. Your baby deserves to have the loving environment you want for him.

You have said it yourself - he doesn't behave like this at work, which means he can control his temper. He just choses not to.

My DH and I have been through some extremely bad times in the past, and not once have we ever sworn at each other or insulted each other.

Does he actually respect you? And do you respect him?

There's also a brilliant chapter near the end of the Lundy book which talks about the conditions for change. Lundy Bancroft ran (runs? ran?) a project for abusive men, like a therapy course. So he knows what it takes for someone to change and he says that you can spot when somebody is not likely to. It's a hard read if you're hoping for change, because it is rare and he spells that out, but it helps to either finally put the lid on those thoughts which are keeping you in limbo, or it gives you some very strong boundaries and guidelines for how to handle and judge whether change is happening and if it's real if you decide to go that route.

Really amazing, astounding book.

Hello Nappy, he is horrid and you are justified to feel how you do. It will escalate. It may not get violent, but the number of incidents will increase and by staying you would accept the behaviour. I wish I could say that he can change, but living with someone just the same I can assure you that they only get worse. With a little one its easier to leave than with an older child in a lot of ways perhaps? Xx

I too used to be called a multitude of names by my ex. It Definately got worse, as dd got older he would say them nicely with a grin to me in front of her. In essence he was a bitter, entitled man and still is.

Regarding not understanding what he does for you etc. I have a good job. My dh is a sahd, I do not call him an fb. It is not the job, the long hours, stress etc, it is because he feels he can call you a fucking bitch. This may be because he genuinely believes it, because he is poor at expressing himself (wonder if he is like it in the board room), or because he feels he can say what he likes to you. Bet he plays the doting family man at work (I work with people I suspect are like this).

I am still waking to feed my baby several times a night. I get in from work and feed 3 or 4 times in the evening. (Reverse cycling). I take baby out for the day. Do bits around the house ( obviously not as much as dh who is at home). Sort bills etc.

But I would do my job and all of the above if I was with dh or not. I chose my job, I choose to work in such a role and I would do the same job, same hours same money even if dh wasn't there. In fact dh makes my life
easier which I greatly appreciate.

Had to reread your old posts to continue my point! He tells you that you don't realise how hard he works, you expect too much.

What do you expect exactly that he feels is too much?

Regarding working hard, does he not realise most people work full time and have kids? Or does he equate working hard with earning a good salary and therefore he is entitled to do less/talk to you badly.

You say you are controlling - please can you give examples of your controlling behaviour.