Has anyone else been in this situation - husband calls me a f*cking b*tch

[nappyrat]

And I am so confused.

We recently had our first baby, and when he did it in front of him (had done it before then a fair bit, but it got worse when the baby arrived), but doing it in front of the baby basically signalled a new response from me, which was that I felt it was completely unacceptable.

12 months on, he has now moved out today, at my request.

And it has suddenly hit me that I may never now have the life I imagined, with him. And my baby may never now have her father living with him. And that at Christmases when we have to share our baby, I will feel like dying because my baby isn't with me, like he should be, because I am his mum....:(((( Crying at this...I can't bear the idea of this...

He seems to do it because he loses his temper. Which he does fairly regularly. Always later blames it on me, but then maybe it is partly due to me, I know I behave badly at times - am lazy, unreasonable etc. This is fact, it's not me being 'poor me'.

He is a professional man, earns £100k+ in a blue chip company, is generally well respected. And actually I think he loves me. He just cannot control his temper.

He has never hit me, we've been together 10+ years.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I could really do with some advice. I am so confused. There are lots of good points about the relationship, but I have been brought up to think that his behaviour is completely unacceptable. But on many other levels, he is a good man.

My stbxh called me a fucking dozy bitch once - it has never left me. He was also a loving, caring highly professional man. It is wrong! There is no excuse, no reasoning. It's wrong and unacceptable!

sorry to hear of you all who have had problems too by the way.xx

No, he is controlling, nappyrat. He is putting you in your place with the name calling. It is very significant that you are an assertive woman. He feels the need to assert his authority over you.

You could read Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?". It would probably be an eye-opener.

You are definitely making the right choice.

nappyrat what do you want people it say? It sounds like you are doubting your decision, naturally, and want people to say that it's not a big deal so you can take him back. Is that it?

He's move out but how have you left things? Is he having chi selling? Dies he accept this is an issue or is it straight to divorce?

Lally, thank you for another point of view...I think at the moment this is how I view my situation, but that we cannot seem to figure out a way of making up and moving on...which you seem to be able to do

Starlight, I can see your point, too. I am very wary of this...

Scallops - there have been issues with his being a father...which we're addressing and things have been improving...

Matilda - I totally agree with you. I want to be hard line, and if my ds was not to be taken away from me to spend time with his father, I could deal with my husband being away from me. But I cannot bear the idea of my child being away from me, and therefore I feel I have to find a compromise rather than 'it is 100% unacceptable' (which I know it is), 'get the hell out'.

Its funny you saying about the birth, he was so suppprtive and actually pretty amazing then. Until a few months later when he wasn't...
I cannot turn of my 'mum switch'. If he takes them off i am on tenterhooks until they get back safely (i even make him ring me when they get to where they're going). Luckily, it doesn't crop up much as I have worked really hard at having a good relationship with him so he usually has them at my (and their) home and i come and go as i please.
And thats how its worked out better, they get their mum, and dad, and even their mum and dad together sometimes with no arguments or atmospheres. For us, it wouldn't be like that if we'd stayed together.
Christmas the children stay with me, and he is welcome to any or all of it.

This one thing would not be a deal breaker for me. However it would upset me immensely if I was spoken to like that In front of my child. That is the one most important thing.

His language is not acceptable but neither is some of your behaviour (going by what you said). Tbh if yous love each other and the solid foundations are there then I think yous both need to give your head a shake, because there is a little person whom yous both need to consider. Surely the dc is worth correcting these problems your having.

Your child witnessing this would be classed as emotional abuse by childrens services. I could reel off the impact of emotional abuse but I won't. You can google if you want.

Good luck with it all

My stbxh left about a month ago. There were a number of contributing factors, but him calling me a F'ing B and other names in anger & sporadically was something that instigated the split.
He would never consider saying this to anyone else, seemingly just me. However frequently/infrequently it happened, each time it resonated and hurt; I started to almost wait for, or anticipate it and would withdraw when I thought the names would start...and I am not know for being a shrinking violet when it comes to expressing my feelings!!
We have a DD (10), she has heard it and it broke my heart that she could even begin to normalise this as acceptable communication.
As I said, my situation had many contributing factors but yes, I have been in that situation, and it wore me down and hurt a little more each time it happened.
Take care.

"It feels like I am partly creating these situations because I can be very demanding at times - e.g. not very realistic about how hard he works, not very realistic about life generally and therefore very demanding on what I expect from him."

"I called him this when I was at my absolute lowest ebb after months and months of looking after our baby 24/7."

Just look at those two statements you made.

Who is telling you that you are demanding? It isn't demanding to expect him to look after his own child and to contribute to running the household. That, quite frankly is the bare minimum you should be expecting.

And with regards him changing, he will have to really really want to and recognise the abusive behaviour he has been exhibiting. It is almost impossible for him to change because he feels entitled to behave like this with you. It is his attitude that is the issue.

If you don't want to be with him because of his temper and language toward you - which is absolutely reason enough to end a relationship - please make your decision based on that, and not the idea of being away from your son.

I know he's so little, and it's hard to imagine being away from him, but you'll do him no favors to stay in an unhappy marriage for that reason.

You can speak with a lawyer about contact. Being that your baby is so young, and if the reasons for divorce include verbal abuse and his short temper, I'd say it's very possible contact won't necessarily be weekends away and such at this point. And if you go through mediation you can possibly come to comfortable agreements, like perhaps blended holidays, rather than taking turns.

If you do want to stay in this marriage, I think your foot has to come down about his temper and language, with the understanding he's out if it happens again.

If you have a small baby no judges will be ordering weekends away with dad or overnights. And it wouldn't instantly go to a judge either. You set out how you want contact to go and you stick to that, if he doesn't like it then he shells out for a solicitor and it goes to mediation and then if an agreement can't be made it'd go to court. You wouldn't instantly be ordered to hand your child over for vast swathes of time.

Up until a year most people I know have had short regular contact. So a few hours in an afternoon or at the weekend if they work a lot of hours. As your child grows contact will gradually lengthen and that maternal "I want my baby back" thing lessens.

Don't let the contact issue become a reason to search for a way to try and convince yourself to go back.

OP - i am responding to your post without having read any of the responses. I am married, have been for 6 years, together for 12. My DH has called me a fucking bitch in the past - i have called him a fucking cunt. This has all been in the heat of the moment. I cannot pass judgement on your relationship but all i am saying is people do/say stupid shit ALL the time and i think marriage is a constant work in progress.

Re reading your post - this should not happen regularly. Our name calling / mahoosive arguments happen maybe once every 6 months - 1 year.

With a baby in the mix i am sure you are totally overwhelmed xxx

I am so grateful for all your comments.

Quitelikely - this is why I instigated one of us moving out (i was prepared to go). Because I am terrified of the impact it may have o our ds. I am desperate for him to not behave like this in front of our son. I could cope with him calling me that in private, because I too think things get said in the heat of the moment and are not meant, but NOT in front of our child. This is a game changer for me.

I am not expecting a perfect marriage, I know these things are hard and take work.

Hairpoppins - I agree with you. Has your husband ever done this in from tot your children?

It has been a bit overwhelming TBH Hairy, yes. I have felt such a massive, overwhelming sense of love for my baby it has slightly knocked me for six. And made me want to create a perfect world for him (silly me!), so a world where he hears me called a FB by his father is not part of the plan.

There was a point in time - a few years back, but it was better even just before the baby - when it was great...we were best mates, the sex was always good. But it has gone downhill since having the baby. Partly because I think I have had such a massive emotional time with it - in that I just adore this baby so much, and he has become my world.

What did he say to you after he had said it in front if the baby? Was he apologetic? Did he admit that in front of the baby it's out of order?

And I want to say that women can provoke men to say rotten things. It's a fact. It's unrealistic to expect any man or woman to have their buttons pushed and for them not to respond or to just take it nicely and smile and walk away. Life doesn't always work that way.

I'm not excusing abusive behaviour here but it's worth noting that sometimes arguments happen and expletives can be part of it.

We dont have any children yet.

I think it is very easy to dictate - in theory - to never argue/name-call/squabble in front of your kids, but it is hard in reality.

I can recall MANY explosive arguments between my own parents when i was very young and today - i am 33 - they are happier than most people i know. Sure, my mom still wants to kick him in the balls every now and again (and god knows she can annoy the living shit out of him) but they are each others' ... For the lack of something less cliche... Soul mates.

Quite - he has agreed that it is wrong in front of the baby. And wrong, generally. But it's not quite the massive, hand-wringing apology I would want, and more importantly, it doesn't then not happen in future. This is the issue.

The last time he behaved this way was Friday morning; in response to me talking about him moving out, he said 'you Fing Btch, you think this is just an f-ing game, I am not going to see my son grow up because of you and your f-ing game playing and twisted mind' etc etc

I then walked away with the baby. And about 5 minutes later he came into the room and said, unprompted, 'I know I shouldn't have spoken like that, you just made me really angry.

And I just ignored him - because he was about to move out, so no point.

Quite - you are totes correct :)

I know how to push many many buttons. Its soooo very wrong but hey, in reality it's done.

Hairy - my childhood was quite idyllic...parents very rarely made us aware of their arguments, behaved v well in front of us children. Dad could be difficult, but things were pretty much OK.

Problem is I think there's a big difference between agreeing to behave a certain way and occasionally losing it by mistake, and regularly using this type of awful language in front of a child.

Like QUITE said earlier, I am terrified it will damage my child as he develops.

Nappy - can you imagine - when your dc is all grown up and out of the house - that you want to grow old with your husband?

I think I probably can push his buttons, and probably unknowingly sometimes, but other times very much knowingly.

Hairy - yes, I think I do. I have been with him since 21 yrs old, and there is no-one in the world I can share things with like him.

I have no soul mate currently, when I need him most. And I miss him terribly, and I want him back terribly, but I feel like (partly feel like this because it is abhorrent to me, but also partly because of reaction from friends and family and society at large) I cannot accept this type of behaviour from him.

Over the last few months I have started to look at other guys with a 'could I see myself with them instead of my husband' view, and I just can't. None of them match up to him - not as clever, witty, good looking, bright, driven, etc etc :(

It would take Mr. Darcy to persuade me I could do better....and I'm not seeing him...

It is always hard to judge a relationship from a chat on a forum. What i would say for sure is to follow your gut. If - deep down - you KNOW this person is making you unhappy, and dont see a way upwards and onwards, you should call it a day.

Of course, that must be bloody bloody hard.

All that said, christ, life is short. Choose to be happy. You need to look out for yourself and your child.

Your game playing??? Wow. Just wow. He really is self-absorbed isn't he?

And why on earth does he think he's not going to see his son grow up . Again I think that statement is showing you what he is like and how he thinks. Emotional blackmail (possibly even with a hint of truth that he would actually fade out of your son's life). Controlling. 'You do this and our son will suffer'. Child = pawn. No acknowledgment of his behaviour being the problem. You are causing this.

And of course blaming you for his behaviour in his apology.