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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just don't love my husband anymore.........

92 replies

DurhamDurham · 09/08/2014 17:05

I don't think I love my husband any more, I don't feel anything for him, I hate being near home and I find excuses to be out when he is at home. He hasn't done anything wrong at all so I don't blame him at all. My girls are grown up now, the youngest is 17 and still at home but it worries me that I will feel worse once she goes off to Uni.
He has always been quiet, we can spend ages not saying anything to each other. I used to try to start conversations and he would always just say yes, it has annoyed me more and more until now when I feel what's the point so don't try to start conversations anymore.
While our girls were growing up everything seemed ok, the girls have always been chatty so it was never obvious that me and my husband didn't really converse.

I'm worried that I will start to be awful to him, my whole family think he is lovely. However I don't went to be sitting in silence for the next 30 years. He would be so shocked to know I'm writing this now as I don't think he even realises how I feel, he is oblivious to the situation.

I think my girls are starting to be aware of how I feel. They recently went on holiday together and I heard my oldest who is 21 telling her dad that while they were away that he had to make an effort to talk to me and if I said something to assume I was talking to him. She said it in a jokey manner and my husband just laughed it off.

So where do I go from here? Stay and try to sort things out, although I know that's it's wrong to expect him to change his personality or go before I grow to hate him?

OP posts:
Notsureaboutthisusername · 09/08/2014 17:07

I think you need to be honest with him. My DP left me this week and the most devastating thing about it is knowing that he's been out of love for months or maybe years but kept it to himself. You need to talk and probably go.

Hup · 09/08/2014 17:12

Talk to him. Give it a go. My husband walked out on me 5 months ago as he said he was no longer in love with me. Five months on we are all still miserable - DS and I broken hearted, H miserable and life pretty rubbish for us all.

Original poster
DurhamDurham · 09/08/2014 17:15

The problem is once I've said something I can't unsay it. It would be the end, how could we recover from that? He hasn't actually done anything wrong, I know it's me. But I swear sometimes I look at him and I think I hate him. I don't want anyone else, I just want a husband who I can chat to and laugh with.

OP posts:
Notsureaboutthisusername · 09/08/2014 17:23

That's how I feel Durham! But I was bumbling along trying to make it work. He walked out, kind of (with me prompting him). I was devastated but today I'm being honest with myself, i've felt the same way for ages. Maybe your husband does?

Original poster
DurhamDurham · 09/08/2014 17:26

I think I would be relieved if he felt the same way, I would feel less guilty. Imagine if we have both been stuck like this for so long just because we are both too polite to say anything. It would be funny if it wasn't so awful. Ideally I would like him to say it, but that's just me being a coward.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 09/08/2014 17:29

Well you say you were trying to make it work but you are the one who is unhappy yet you haven't even discussed it with your poor husband, giving him the chance to repair the fault if you like!

That is the least you can do. There's a lot to be said for sticking together. The grass isn't always greener and y'know there a folk on this thread who got no chance to fix things probably because their dp felt they couldn't change. Not true I bet if you ask them they will say 'if only I was given a chance'.

Good luck with it all

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 09/08/2014 17:30

If he hasn't done anything wrong except to bore you to tears you owe him enough respect to tell him how you feel about this marriage leading to nothing but more boredom for you.

You owe him that, even if you don't want to stay married to him.

Original poster
DurhamDurham · 09/08/2014 17:35

I do owe him that, I'm putting it off because I don't know what to do after I have told him. I'm not proud of myself or my actions, both my girls will be devastated. I assume it will be a relief to tell him but I don't want to see him hurt or upset. I know he is the innocent party in all this. I haven't told anyone in real life, everyone would assume we are fine as we appear to have a lovely life. I'm sick of pretending and this is the first time I've told anyone.

OP posts:
Notsureaboutthisusername · 09/08/2014 17:40

You must do it. Honestly, the relief will be wonderful. Xxx

Original poster
DurhamDurham · 09/08/2014 17:42

Thank you for your post, it is so sad but we might both be miserable so it does need to be said Thanks

OP posts:
Notsureaboutthisusername · 09/08/2014 17:44

It does. Please keep us posted. Xxx

Minion100 · 09/08/2014 17:45

I agree with the posters who have asked you to talk to him. It won;t be the end, it will be the beginning of the chance of fixing it. And he deserves a chance to know you feel this way. It's so hard to get something like this out of the blue.

Tell him and then try and work through WHY you feel this way.

Love is a verb IMHO.

You have stopped "loving" like you have stopped eating or sleeping or running. You can start "loving" again but in order to do that the circumstances which made you stop this action must be changed.

Maybe they can be changed, maybe not...but you owe both of you an opportunity to find out.

I would write a list of your needs out. Even the basic ones like "hugs" or "financial support" or "a friend" or "a good father" and tick off the ones he meets and the ones he doesn't.

Love is not a mystical feeling that just disappears. Something is missing for you. Try and work through what it is.

Original poster
DurhamDurham · 09/08/2014 17:52

Thanks Minion, I expect he would tick most of the boxes, he is a brilliant dad, he works hard and he has never been abusive at all.mom aware that it sounds ridiculous and petty but he just doesn't talk to me, I could ask him anything and he would answer with a one word answer. He has always been quiet it's just that while the girls were growing up it wasn't so obvious, the house was full of noise and chatter and now it isn't. He hasn't changed really, It's just annoying me more than it ever used to.

You are right of course, I need to talk to him and go from there.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Minion100 · 09/08/2014 19:22

Talking is a HUGE need. Doesn't sound petty at all! How can you want to have sex with someone or kiss them if you feel they don't talk to you? This is a massive need of yours which isn't being fullfilled. You have a right to a husband who talks to you - but you also have to tell him this to give him the option to see if something can be done about it. If not, fair enough, but a chance is what I think the commitment of marriage earns you from my opinion.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/08/2014 20:13

By all means try talking to him, but if it doesn't work, remember that it's OK to end a relationship if you're not happy. Some people do find, that once DC are grown up, the marriage has served its purpose and they would be happier moving on.

whatisforteamum · 09/08/2014 20:29

Durhamdurham i have just had this exact talk with my DH 28yr together.I agree our DH s may have always been quiet and i have certainly thrown myself into work for over ten yrs when i first thought i prefer it when he is not around.I have even worked weekends and had opposite days off.This eve he agreed we hardly get on.Keeping busy with the kids and work was a good enough sticking plaster for a while.I agree with solidgold that once the DCS are grown up some marriages have run their course.Good luck with it all though and i hope you can find some common ground.

Original poster
DurhamDurham · 09/08/2014 23:04

Thank you so much, just read your comments and I can see now that we owe it to ourselves to have a talk, I really believe there will be no going back from it but cannot put it off any more. I have just had dinner with my mum and told her how I was feeling. I thought she would be horrified as she has always seen my husband as the perfect son in law, she was actually lovely about it and said that yes we much talk it through but that she does not want me to be unhappy. She won't mention it again until I do but I feel like I have had a weight lifted off my shoulders today so thank you for your kind words. Very much appreciated and so helpful to know that other people feel the same way Thanks

OP posts:
WitchWay · 09/08/2014 23:32

I don't love my husband anymore either. I have told him, & he doesn't believe me. We plod on. Huge mortgage & DS who will leave home in 2 years. No sex all year - well, we nearly had sex a few weeks ago Sad

Original poster
DurhamDurham · 10/08/2014 08:23

I have a feeling that my husband won't believe me either, he will just think that I am in a bad mood and if he keeps his head low it will blow over in a few days. I think we have been 'plodding' for ages but I'm not even sure that he has noticed. What are you going to do now? Is it better to leave it and plod on some more or to tackle it again and cause upset?

OP posts:
MrsDavidBowie · 10/08/2014 16:44

I can predict what my h is going to say.
He insists on telling me "no you don't feel like that" when I am trying to express something.
Yes I fucking do.

Or when I ask him not to something as its annoying eg slapping my arse as I pass by he says "oh its only a bit of fun".

One day he will get a bloody shock.

Original poster
DurhamDurham · 15/08/2014 17:48

MrsDavidBowie, same reaction from my husband when we spoke. Thinks I'm just down in the dumps, that's I'm fine and did I want to go out for a meal!! It's hard not to get angry/upset when you are not being listened to. I have spoke to him three times over the last few days, he might be listening to me, he hasn't had much to say yet but I'm hoping that follows over the next few weeks/months. If it doesn't then we are back to square one.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 15/08/2014 18:47

Something to consider - a man who ignores your unhappiness is not the Perfect Man that you would be 'ungrateful' to dump. He may not be a bad man ie he doesn't hit you, spend all the disposable household income on drink/drugs/toys for himself, have or seek sex with other women behind your back or criticize and belittle you all the time.
But this is still a man who doesn't, really, consider you as a person. You're his wife which means you do housework, look after the children, open you legs from time to time and ,well, whatever, probably you do kind of 'woman things' while he's doing whatever he does to relax. But you don't matter to him except as a convenience.

It's all right to decide that isn't enough for you.

It';s also all right to decide that you will stay in the marriage and get your needs met elsewhere - by which I don't mean having/seeking sex with other men or other women, but by finding yourself an absorbing hobby or a cause to campaign for. When your DC are adults or near adults, you don't have to worry about being at home all the time or babysitters - you can just go out and enjoy yourself.

whatisforteamum · 15/08/2014 20:29

Great post Solidgold i agree.I have come to that conclusion this summer.!st DH refuses to realize i need a break eventhough i lost half a stone.He continued his golf days when he knew i had annual leave booked twice.Then he cant get up on the weekends to go out unless it is something he needs to do for himself or our DD.When i mention that ive slept downstairs over 11 yrs he doesnt care.I dont cook for him.He can be nice if he wants sex then reverts to snappy comments or just ignores me.Now my Dads aggressive cancer is back im just going to do as i please.I went out with the girls this week first time in 8 yrs and had a laugh.No more chained to the kit sink after work for me.We have been together 28yrs now its my turn to fill the void with FUN :)

Original poster
DurhamDurham · 17/08/2014 11:33

I saw my mum again yesterday and she apparently has had a week to think over what I had told her. Her considered conclusion is that my husband doesn't ignore me, the problem appears to be that I must be going through the menopause. After all I was so upset and tearful last week that that must be only answer.

I keep wavering from thinking that's rubbish, it's not just all in my head and I'm not acting I an irrational manner to doubting myself and thinking maybe it is just me. I was surprised at how supportive my mum was last week, however normality has been restored and she has come around to thinking it must be me because my husband is so polite and quiet that it can't possibly be his fault.

OP posts:
livingzuid · 17/08/2014 11:45

Oh please, the menopause is to blame? And the fault is all yours? Yes that's right, pesky female hormones are the problem Confused It really makes me mad when mothers decide that we are the faulty ones and the man can't possibly be to blame Angry mine does this to me all the time. Do not doubt yourself.

You know how you feel. You know there is a problem. You've been feeling this way for ages. Talking and communicating is a basic human need. Discuss it with your husband. Look to improve your relationship. But don't feel bad at all if you decide this is not what you want for the rest of your life. Your daughters will survive - they are practically adults. It's ok to move on if that is what you want. You're family aren't in this relationship - you are.

I am sorry you are going through this. It is horrible being with someone who won't talk to you. Hope you find a resolution soon Thanks