I just don't love my husband anymore.........

[DurhamDurham]

I don't think I love my husband any more, I don't feel anything for him, I hate being near home and I find excuses to be out when he is at home. He hasn't done anything wrong at all so I don't blame him at all. My girls are grown up now, the youngest is 17 and still at home but it worries me that I will feel worse once she goes off to Uni.
He has always been quiet, we can spend ages not saying anything to each other. I used to try to start conversations and he would always just say yes, it has annoyed me more and more until now when I feel what's the point so don't try to start conversations anymore.
While our girls were growing up everything seemed ok, the girls have always been chatty so it was never obvious that me and my husband didn't really converse.

I'm worried that I will start to be awful to him, my whole family think he is lovely. However I don't went to be sitting in silence for the next 30 years. He would be so shocked to know I'm writing this now as I don't think he even realises how I feel, he is oblivious to the situation.

I think my girls are starting to be aware of how I feel. They recently went on holiday together and I heard my oldest who is 21 telling her dad that while they were away that he had to make an effort to talk to me and if I said something to assume I was talking to him. She said it in a jokey manner and my husband just laughed it off.

So where do I go from here? Stay and try to sort things out, although I know that's it's wrong to expect him to change his personality or go before I grow to hate him?

I think year off is a good time if the child is taking one.

I certainly don't think it's sensible to stick it out for the sake of it all the way thro' uni because they're hardly home.

By that age children understand relationships go wrong, and they just want their parents to be happy.

I think some of the advice on this thread is not very realistic given the details provided by the OP.

She hasn't said she loves her husband but there are a few things that annoy her - that could potentially be fixed.

She has said she doesn't think she loves him and hates being near home.

She's obviously an intelligent woman, and a silent husband who just answers 'yes' to everything is clearly not the right companion for her.

It's not actually possible for him to change his personality, and it's his personality that's the problem not individual aspects of behaviour, so all advice to work on it is rather missing the point. And it's not fair to him because if she suggests they try to make it work, it would give him false hope and he will spend time trying to fix things in vain.

There are many threads on here where I think there is the potential for the partners to work through their issues, but I don't get that feeling here at all.

MrsDB if your marriage is over in the sense that you wouldn't want to try to repair it even if your DH did want to so it's dead in the water come what may, I'd saythe best time to split is now.

Think about uni rather than gcse. If he knows what he wants to do at uni, make some calls to admission tutors to see how important gcse grades are. Eg would they make an offer to someone with mostly B s or are they looking for a line of A* s. I think AS grades are more important but if you want to split, why not do the research and find out?

I think it would be better for your son if you split now than in uni first year. He gets some bad disruption but he can see that mum and dad are ok and he has the stable base he needs by the time he goes to uni.

No one can change their personality- but everyone can change their behaviour.

Even a non-talkative person can learn to be talkative. It won't be 2nd nature but they can learn if they want to. Be interesting to know if he is bored witless too in the marriage, especially if he can be chatty at work or with friends.

I know she says she doesn't love him. If that is the case then she ought to leave. But when she says she doesn't love him because he's too quiet, then the obvious solution is for him to change his behaviour. This is what I was trying to get at by asking if something else was going on in her head about the marriage because she seems to have decided it's all over anyway.

It's completely unrealistic to think that a gap year is the best time to tell children about a divorce. (Even if they have gap year which many don't) Have you got Dcs that age Twinkle?

And they aren't away a lot during their years at uni- many are home for 22 weeks which is almost half the year.

Just got home and reading through all the replies.

With regards to having fun and seeing friends then yes we do. When we are with other people it isn't obvious that we don't talk much. Most friends would think we were fine, a few might guess that things are not ideal.

We do have sex, it's irregular in a feast or famine type of way.

He has always been quiet but when I look back before our children I am convinced he used to make an effort. Having said that we didn't move in together until I was almost six months pregnant ( we had been together for 2 years by then) so a baby came along very quickly. We didn't have long living together just as a couple.

At this moment in time I don't know whether I would be more upset at leaving him or knowing I was going to stay and put up with the lack of conversation/companionship.

Don't think I love him at present but might be able to again if he made more of an effort. However if making more of an effort was going to be an uphill struggle for him then what would be the point of that. If he had to pretend to be something he isn't then that would be exhausting for him.

I'm not blaming my husband for everything, I'm aware that he is who is his. I'm questioning my commitment to the marriage and if I want to stay if it going to like it is now.

I'll have another read through and answer the questions I've missed.

I do appreciate the fact that people are spending their time posting on here.

Overjoyed to be called an intelligent woman

Hi Op - the thing is, the respectful thing to do would be to let your husband be the one to make the decision on whether he wanted to make an effort to change, or not. It's not really your place to decide that he wouldn't be able to do that.

I honestly believe that for many people, barely speaking can be habit. If he has spent years not needing to talk to you as a couple, then he is probably just completely out of habit.

It's good to hear that you still socialise as a couple - do you not talk about your evening out afterwards?

Even a non-talkative person can learn to be talkative.

Don't be ridiculous. This is who he is. And why should he have to be someone he isn't? There's nothing wrong with him, he just doesn't suit the OP.

It's completely unrealistic to think that a gap year is the best time to tell children about a divorce. (Even if they have gap year which many don't) Have you got Dcs that age Twinkle?

My children are younger, but 50% of my friends' parents are divorced and from their experiences that was the time that suited them best. It's quite a common time for couples to split. The children are adults with a separate life away from home and they don't have sit through all the arguments...

I don't think it's reasonable to expect the OP to hang on for another 5 years for her youngest's sake - when she'll be gone for half the year once she's at uni. I certainly wouldn't have wanted my mum doing that for me. The friends of mine whose parents really needed to get divorced - they just wished they'd get on with it.

Twinkle I'm not the one being ridiculous.

If you know anything about counselling, coaching, psychology, CBT, or behavioural change you will know that this is what is suggested. Behaviour can change. Some people are naturally quiet, but whatever their default setting they can learn to be more communicative, or in the case of gas-bags, learn to hold their tongues. Just like some people talk too much, and need to learn to let other people have a turn, others can learn how to be better communicators.

Counselling and CBT are psychology, but anyhow... It's a moot point as to whether taciturnity is an aspect of behaviour or personality, I've never met the husband so I can't speculate. If it's a learned behaviour pattern in response to, for example, a repressive upbringing, then it's possible that, with time, the learned behaviour could shift. However, if it's a fundamental aspect of character, then it would be much harder to change.

The real question is whether the husband actually wants to change this aspect of himself. He may be perfectly content with the amount he talks, and have no desire to speak more. To change something fundamental about yourself you have to really want to, to work at it, and remain committed to that change in the long term. It's difficult to change simply because someone else wants you to.

I don't actually get the impression that the OP wants her husband to change, or even thinks it's possible, she seems to accept him for who he is and sees he's not right for her.

My goodness. Don't sit around waiting for your youngest to finish university if you want to make a break. That could easily make you ill and there is no reason to wait if you want to end it. You know your children and how fragile or robust they will be. For all we know, they could have set off to university without a backward glance, glad to escape the environment at home.

But I suspect it will take some time for you to finalise how you feel and what decision you want to make. Take your time, there is no rush. Perhaps have some individual counselling to talk through with someone neutral?

I am sad that somehow because he said there isn't a problem and he hasn't done anything wrong that there therfore isn't a problem In a loving and supportive relationship if one person has an issue then there is a problem. But then some people are masters of burying their heads in the sand. And it's soul destroying when someone is so dismissive of your feelings. My xh talked more to the dog than he did to me. It was hideous. I really sympathise

I know this is a really old thread but I would love to know what happened DurhamDurham as I am in the same situation.

Struggling to talk was one of the things that marked the end for my ex and i.
It did hurt him. He tried to talk me out of it. But once hed got over that he agreed with me that hed felt the same for a long time.

I never hated him. I dont think he ever hated me. But i think we were both clinging to it because of the series of fairly traumatic events we went through over a year. Niether of us wanted to abandon the other completely in the shit.

It was rocky and a bit toxic after the split, ans then this got a bit worse at the point we stopped living together. But everything is relatively good now.

Oh and the few weeks before we split were a nightmare. Id been wanting to end the relationship for a while. I had attempted to and said on many occasions that i felt we were both unhappy with each other.

It was awful the day i did it though. It was my sons birthday and id decided this time was gonna be the last time a week before was was going to leave it and try to do it peacefully after his birthday.

We got up and opened presents. And nfext thing he came in moaning and ranting about one of his fish dying and how it was all my fault and i snapped and ended it that day.

So definitely if you really feel like this, dont leave it like i did. It wont be nice anyway but honestly id forgotten how vile it was when it just came out like that til just now

You need to talk about your feelings, like my dh it sounds like it's just his character but very frustrating if you are sociable and want to go out places. My mil has ended up doing a lot of things on her own for this very reason. I doubt they'd go on holiday if she didn't book it! So can relate to how you feel and I hope you can work things out

Thinking not sure where to start. We're still together, we soldiered on for ages with no real changes then we had a huge fall out which should really have finished us altogether.
Bizarrely it had the opposite affect and it frightened us into making more of an effort. My husband did start to communicate and I learnt to appreciate that sometimes he simply isn't as talkative as I am.
We still have some up and downs, thankfully they're rare these days. We've become grandparents this year and that's brought a lot of joy and we both enjoy talking about that.
When I wrote the post four years ago I honestly thought that was it and we were over. That hasn't been the case, for us. My husband is probably still unaware of just how close we were to splitting up, I told him when we had our huge fall out but I'm not sure he really believed me.
I'm stayed in touch with another lovely poster who was going through a similar situation in her marriage, they did split up and as far as I know she hasn't looked back or regretted it for moment. There's no right and wrong, we've all just got to do what feels like the right thing at the time.
I think about all the support I received from this thread as well as the poster who was convinced the only reason I would want to leave my husband is because I was busy flirting with another man and know that it all helped me to think about my options and the fact that I could make changes if I wanted to and everyone would survive.
I didn't make any radical changes in the end but I felt empowered to know that I could.
If you're going through this now, I wish you the very best

There is such a thing as emotional abandonment...and this is what it sounds like has happened. It isn't an overt abuse but it is a soul destroying abuse nonetheless. Just because there is nothing to point at as overtly bad doesn't mean there isn't a cesspool of passive bad going on. Saying over and over to yourself that he doesn't deserve it is self abuse. He is getting close to reaping the reward for his disconnect...why is this YOUR fault? You tired, and tried, and tried. And now you are battle fatigued. This doesn't make you the bad guy. And honestly he may have given you all he was capable of...that it is no longer enough for your isn't "bad", it just is. Think of it this way.... if a stranger gave you the silent treatment (which is a way to deny your existence) would you be making excuses for them? Love should hold us to a higher standard...not a lower one. I live this same existence. For decades I tried and tried and tried to keep the end from happening. I was shut out in ever more creative ways. Until one day my war drums went silent and I gave up. I ALSO emotionally disconnected. I looked elsewhere for my peace and connection. No, I didn't and don't cheat. There are many other outlets for what I was looking for. Now,ironically, it has made my husband begin to "wake up" and seek connection (occasionally). But that ship has sailed. We will likely never divorce, as I feel no need...and his avoidant personality will likely never bring him to broach the subject. YMMV.

@Ollie. That has made me cry. Thank you though x