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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I just don't love my husband anymore.........

92 replies

DurhamDurham · 09/08/2014 17:05

I don't think I love my husband any more, I don't feel anything for him, I hate being near home and I find excuses to be out when he is at home. He hasn't done anything wrong at all so I don't blame him at all. My girls are grown up now, the youngest is 17 and still at home but it worries me that I will feel worse once she goes off to Uni.
He has always been quiet, we can spend ages not saying anything to each other. I used to try to start conversations and he would always just say yes, it has annoyed me more and more until now when I feel what's the point so don't try to start conversations anymore.
While our girls were growing up everything seemed ok, the girls have always been chatty so it was never obvious that me and my husband didn't really converse.

I'm worried that I will start to be awful to him, my whole family think he is lovely. However I don't went to be sitting in silence for the next 30 years. He would be so shocked to know I'm writing this now as I don't think he even realises how I feel, he is oblivious to the situation.

I think my girls are starting to be aware of how I feel. They recently went on holiday together and I heard my oldest who is 21 telling her dad that while they were away that he had to make an effort to talk to me and if I said something to assume I was talking to him. She said it in a jokey manner and my husband just laughed it off.

So where do I go from here? Stay and try to sort things out, although I know that's it's wrong to expect him to change his personality or go before I grow to hate him?

OP posts:
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 17/08/2014 21:00

I think it's important to be very honest with partners. If someone is unhappy in their marriage and it's not an abusive one, I think they have a responsibility to the other person to actually tell them that and set out how they feel and what the consequences are. It's very sad to read on here about DHs (usually) who have up and left their families with little or no warning. Often there's an OW but not always. It's painful for the partner who has been left when they're told that the leaver has been unhappy for years and the partner who has been left is wondering why the leaver never bothered to tell them/discuss it.

I appreciate that you have tried to talk about it before. Try thinking hypothetically. If this was your daughter's DH feeling like this, how would you want him to behave towards her?

I'm really not suggesting that you stay in an unhappy marriage but there are kind ways to end things and then there are unkind ways. If it were me, I'd want to be able to tell my kids truthfully that I'd tried my best.

lastlostmonkey · 17/08/2014 21:14

Hi OP. My situation is different - young children and the problems are different. I just wanted to say it's taken me four or five goes at talking to my DH to convince him that something is wrong and needs to change. I got a lot of 'you're just tired, you don't really feel like that, everything's fine' as well. We have managed to have some better conversations about the problems now, but I also doubted myself and wondered if I was making it all up and he was right. I still don't think he gets that we are in make or break time now for me, if we can't sort it out then I don't think I can stay. For us it's also personality issues and I think ultimately I feel gloomy about things changing but I have to try. Anyway, keep on insisting and he will have to acknowledge it eventually.

Imsosorryalan · 17/08/2014 21:17

Durham,
I'm by no means telling you what you what you should do but I'm wondering if it's all got a bit too 'comfortable'. Do you have any shared hobbies together. Maybe worth thinking about to then have topics to discuss? May seem like a small think but it could help to relight the fire as it were...

DurhamDurham · 17/08/2014 21:45

We both enjoy walking, we go on long walks. Often with me twittering on then trailing off into silence. Maybe my husband just enjoys the silence. Maybe I talk too much or expect too much.

We both love music but he doesn't talk to me about it, I try to start conversations but he just gives me one word answers. He is thoughtful in that he will buy tickets for gigs that he knows I will enjoy.

I'm going to keep on trying, talk to him and see what happens, that's all I can do.

Thanks for everyone's posts, I do appreciate all your input and insight Thanks

OP posts:
Paloma12 · 17/08/2014 22:00

He sounds like he really loves you, from his thoughtful actions.

I just wrote a long post, but accidentally deleted it. Basically, my DH can be taciturn. I have to be really explicit with him: "DH! I am trying to keep a conversation going here, are you listening?? It's very upsetting when you disengage!"

Then he seems to get a jolt: "I'm not disengaged! you were saying....(perks up)"

I'll get flamed for sexism, but sometimes I find you have to really spell it out for men!

CeliaFate · 17/08/2014 22:06

I think there will be no going back because he doesn't think he needs to make more of an effort, he's says he is happy the way things are.

Paloma, I think this sums it up. The op isn't happy, but her dh is and sees no reason to change. Surely if your partner knew you were unhappy, you'd try and resolve it?

CeliaFate · 17/08/2014 22:06

they'd try and resolve it

boxofshells · 17/08/2014 22:11

I really really recommend this. Dh and I did it and found it helpful. On phone so you will have to cut and paste the link:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/dec/28/mission-to-save-marriages

DocDaneeka · 17/08/2014 22:12

I suspect I'm heading into this sort of territory in the next few years if I don't watch it. We just have less and less in common except for the kids. If we don't make an effort soon...

But the point SGB makes is important. And could do with labouring. As often said on relationships by others much more wise than I am - does he actually see you as a real person, with real and valid opinions and needs? or is it more in the 'exotic pet' category? - you are well cared for, have a roof over your head, food, warmth. But your actual opinion just doesn't register. Any more than that of a well cared for pet would.

Seems to me like no one is actually listening to YOU.

I think this might be fixable, if he is able to sit down and listen to what you want. But the fact that he effectively says 'don't be silly' when you say you aren't happy is worrying.

Muckymoo71 · 18/08/2014 00:46

Durham this could easily be me posting too. My kids are younger. I did try talking to hub a few years ago but he replied he spends all day at work in a job he hates arguing and having to talk that when he comes home he doesn't want to. I too told my mum and her reply was I told you to not settle down so young as we met when I was 18. I have been thinking about my future happyness but there are too many family members that would be disappointed mainly my dad who although a great lovely man would be horrified and think the sun shines out hub's arse

Pinkfrocks · 18/08/2014 09:19

I can't believe that this has all just reared its head since your eldest left home. Didn't you notice this a little bit anyway?
Didn't you have time before you had children when you talked and got on well?
Why was he 'suitable' then but not now?

Are there any positives to the relationship? Do you go out as a couple, see friends, have a laugh over things- have sex????!

I think you have to decide whether the relationship has really broken down completely and cannot be fixed even with professional help- couples counselling- or if, like lots of couples, you need to find a way of learning to talk to each other again. I know lots of parents who face this once their kids go to uni.

BUT- you sound as if you don't want to even try and that makes me think there is more to this than you are telling.

Please don't refer to your DDs as' grown up'. One is just 17- she's got a tough few years ahead - adjusting to uni, her A levels etc- a divorce will impact on her as much as a younger child or an older adult. You need to get some real life help such as counselling to help you work through what is a major decision affecting 4 people.

comingintomyown · 18/08/2014 09:55

I agree with letsfacethemusicanddance you need to tell him how you feel and try and do something

The point will be if you do end up down the divorce route you will know you exhausted all avenues first and trust me that will matter at some or many points in time.

kaykayblue · 18/08/2014 11:03

pinkfrocks - why are you so invested to try and uncover some (utterly fictional) dark ulterior motive behind the OP's feelings? That's exceptionally patronising.

How could anyone be happy in a marriage where their partner doesn't communicate with them on any level? It sounds like hell. And stop trying to make her feel guilty about the impact on her daughter. The OP is a person in her own goddamn right. She is in no way obliged to sacrifice her life for the convenience of others.

To the OP - on a practical level, you need to talk to your husband about this. Firstly because if you don't, your resent will just continue to build until one day you just explode, and you husband - who sounds pretty fucking clueless at the best of times - will be utterly bewildered.

You do owe it to him to discuss this first in a calm way. Write down a few points about what frustrates you the most. Then look at them and try to find practical examples.

Before you talk with him, invite him to the cinema. You don't have to talk during a film, so it's less stressful for you and him. After the film, go and get a drink somewhere with him, and just try talking to him and make a huge effort not to get frustrated. Ask him open questions that he can't just say "yes" or "no" to. You're going to have to work hard, but keep as calm as possible - he will sense if you get stressed and he'll probably just clam up even more.

Like, I imagine the conversation would go like this:

"what did you think about the film?" (it was okay)
" I thought the special fx were totally ridiculous - do you think movies were better in the days when people relied more on acting ability than special FX?" (yeah I guess so)
"I thought the plot line was pretty clever though - I don't know of many films that take that angle to work on. What did you think about it?" (I guess it was a bit outlandish)
"I really liked the scene where X did this - it was kind of predictable, but they did it in a really clever way. What was your favourite bit? (dunno)
"I kind of miss good music in films though - these days it's all just sort of weird tones and fake heartbeats. I prefer films with a great score - did you ever watch Edward Scissorhands?" (can't remember)

Give it a go for a good 45 minutes to an hour, and if you start getting angry, just say you're going to the loo/the bar/whatever, and take a deep breath.

When you speak to him about your unhappiness in general, you can cite this as a recent example of how it is impossible to have a conversation together. How he never engages with you, and how it kind of feels like he is a stranger to you.

One important thing is that you need to be assertive when you talk to him, but to stay calm. Otherwise he will go down the "huhhhh women and their hormones" route, which is utterly unhelpful.

You need to make it clear that you are extremely unhappy. When the girls were home you could ignore the problem as you had others to talk to. But now the problem - and it IS a problem - is staring you in the face and you can't ignore it anymore. Tell him that either you both work towards a situation where you can start communicating again - about anything! Films, music, hobbies, whatever - or the situation stays as it is. And if it stays as it is, you can't imagine the marriage lasting after second daughter leaves home.

Then just let him think about it.

Don't mention it again, but the next week, invite him to go and do something else, and try and discuss it afterwards. If the message has got through to him, he should be noticeably trying to engage a bit more. He'll probably be desperately out of practise, but the effort should be there.

If it isn't, then you have your answer. He doesn't see the marriage as worth making any effort for.

You can't carry a marriage alone, whatever pinkfrocks might think.

Pinkfrocks · 18/08/2014 13:36

Kay- I'm not! What I'm saying is that this lack of communication hasn't just started now, when 1 DD has left home. I'm sure there are no dark ulterior motives, that's where you've got the wrong end of the stick.

What I am saying is that many if not all couples need to re-adjust once the final child has flown the nest. My neighbour ( a man) told me how he and his wife would have to 'learn to talk to each other' again, once their DS had gone to uni.

It's common to have these feelings but the OP appears to feel this so strongly that I wonder if it's hit her like a bolt from the blue, or if it's always been there and she's ignored it.

MrsDavidBowie · 18/08/2014 13:46

I have 3 years before my youngest goes to uni.
Don't think I can bear 3 more years of dullness.

Paloma12 · 18/08/2014 14:22

I agree with pinkfrocks - and I don't see why people think that children going to university suddenly means a divorce will have no impact. I think it's one of the worst times for parents to divorce, and I speak from experience.

kaykayblue · 18/08/2014 14:25

Ah I see - in which case apologies for misunderstanding your previous comments.

To me, this seemed like a long standing problem in the marriage, which the OP was able to put a plaster on whilst the children were at home, but now has raised it's head with a vengeance - now there's no distractions there is nothing to distract from the problem.

At least that's how I took it.

MrsDavidBowie · 18/08/2014 14:30

But would you rather parents were unhappy/atmosphere at home...."we stuck together because of the children".

Paloma12 · 18/08/2014 14:42

It's not that simple. I think a lot if people do muddle through. If you talk to people who have been married for many years - 40 plus, most of them have been through some really rough times.

Paloma12 · 18/08/2014 14:43

Sorry - posted to soon. It's not necessarily a case of passively staying unhappy for sake of children, or leaving (for what?). Third option is working to address issues, for sake of whole family, and future.

Paloma12 · 18/08/2014 14:44

Sorry for typos - on phone

Pinkfrocks · 18/08/2014 15:54

Oh yes, please don't think that divorcing when a DC is off to uni is going to have less impact on DCs. many need a stable family home more than anything at that time if they are homesick, managing their own relationships and the workload of uni. It can also make them wonder what their homelife was based on before- was it all a lie? or worse- are they 'responsible' in some way for the split because once they are gone, then mum and dad don't get on....

very hard for teens to handle.

MrsDavidBowie · 18/08/2014 16:05

But when is the best time?
I will be nearly 60 when ds is through uni.

I think more women especially are just not prepared to put up with living with someone they no longer love or respect.

Pinkfrocks · 18/08/2014 16:26

There is no best time. But the first term at uni is def not a good idea. Students are away for 10 weeks at a time and then have 22 weeks holiday- do they want to be caught up in a divorce and moving home at the same time?

Unless life is unbearable Mrs DB wait until they have graduated.

Paloma12 · 18/08/2014 16:33

And think carefully about whether it's unbearable or fixable. And the reality about life elsewhere.

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