Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just don't love my husband anymore.........

92 replies

DurhamDurham · 09/08/2014 17:05

I don't think I love my husband any more, I don't feel anything for him, I hate being near home and I find excuses to be out when he is at home. He hasn't done anything wrong at all so I don't blame him at all. My girls are grown up now, the youngest is 17 and still at home but it worries me that I will feel worse once she goes off to Uni.
He has always been quiet, we can spend ages not saying anything to each other. I used to try to start conversations and he would always just say yes, it has annoyed me more and more until now when I feel what's the point so don't try to start conversations anymore.
While our girls were growing up everything seemed ok, the girls have always been chatty so it was never obvious that me and my husband didn't really converse.

I'm worried that I will start to be awful to him, my whole family think he is lovely. However I don't went to be sitting in silence for the next 30 years. He would be so shocked to know I'm writing this now as I don't think he even realises how I feel, he is oblivious to the situation.

I think my girls are starting to be aware of how I feel. They recently went on holiday together and I heard my oldest who is 21 telling her dad that while they were away that he had to make an effort to talk to me and if I said something to assume I was talking to him. She said it in a jokey manner and my husband just laughed it off.

So where do I go from here? Stay and try to sort things out, although I know that's it's wrong to expect him to change his personality or go before I grow to hate him?

OP posts:
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 17/08/2014 11:52

Can you shock him into realising that you are serious by telling him you are going away for a week to consider your options?

When you come back, have a list of the things that need to change.

My DH does the wait till it blows over thing but that's because it has worked with me in the past. One day it won't.

Original poster
DurhamDurham · 17/08/2014 11:56

Thank you livingzuid, you are right, I do deserve to be listened to.
My mum has always thought my husband to be the perfect husband, father and son in law. He is a fab father and I'm sure a wonderful son in law but she has no idea what he is like as a husband. I only hope she doesn't mention the menopause to him or I will have both of them convinced it's just me and my raging hormones Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
DurhamDurham · 17/08/2014 11:59

Letsfacethemusic I did go away this week with a friend, just overnight and we had a great time. Husband was fine with me going. He took our two girls out for a meal and bought them some new clothes. They had a great time, I was pleased to hear this but at the same time sad that we couldn't do this as a couple.
We often go out with the girls and have a fab time but if it's just me and my husband it's just so one sided with me withering on and filling the silences. I have tried to be quiet and let him do the taking but then it's just complete silence and we can't wait to get home.

OP posts:
Follyfoot · 17/08/2014 12:03

Durham, just to say that there are some family photos on your profile which would identify you, thought I should say in case you have forgotten they were there.

Flowers for you

Original poster
DurhamDurham · 17/08/2014 12:04

Oh bloody hell, forgot about my profile. Thank you Thanks

OP posts:
CeliaFate · 17/08/2014 12:06

I would write him a letter. He cannot refute your side then. He can read it, absorb it and get back to you when he's considered your feelings.
I would put it in terms of you're bored within your marriage and want to share joy, conversation and hobbies with him.
Tell him how you feel, how his behaviour makes you feel and give him suggestions of what you think would improve the marriage.
Make it clear that you are serious and he needs to take some initiative to work on the marriage.
It won't happen overnight, because the status quo has seen you bumbling along together, but it's only fair to him to give him a chance to do something about it. If he chooses not to change, then you have your answer.

Twinklestein · 17/08/2014 12:11

It's actually a miracle that you've managed to keep it going this long.

I'm not sure your daughters will be as devastated as you think as a) your 21 yr old clearly sees exactly what's going on and b) it's quite excruciating being around parents who don't talk, I know from experience.

Your mum is just thinking about her herself and what she wants from your relationship. She's obviously decided she doesn't want you to get divorced.
In the words of Jeanette Winterson's mother: 'Why be happy when you could be normal?'

This relationship is on it's last legs. However long you want to spin it out out of guilt and obligation to different family members is up to you. There is a valid argument in favour of waiting until your youngest has finished her A levels, but after that, once she's left, there will just be silence won't there?

Original poster
DurhamDurham · 17/08/2014 12:16

In all honesty, silence is all I expect to her once both girl have left home. I've known this for years but it all seems to be in the distant future a do admit that I didn't want a major upheaval as the girls were growing up. Now it seems that in the very near future I am going to become bitter and resentful. I need to be happy, I cannot be miserable for 30 years just be keep the family happy and to prevent my mum having to explain to her friends why her daughter got divorced.

OP posts:
MrsDavidBowie · 17/08/2014 12:27

Your thread has struck such a chord with me.

CeliaFate · 17/08/2014 12:54

Durham you do deserve to be happy. If you feel the marriage is over and that Relate or similar won't help, then you need to talk to him so it doesn't come as a massive shock to him.

Your mum doesn't come into this - don't think of what she'll say, or your dds.
If you can't cope then the marriage is over, but as pp have said, give him a chance to remedy it or at least to hear your views before you present it as a fait accompli.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 17/08/2014 14:53

Your being away with a friend is a very different thing from actually telling him that you are going away alone because you are unhappy (tell him why) and because you want to consider your options.

If he has a good time with your DDs and not with you ie - he is perfectly capable of being pleasant and socialbe - just not with you, I think you have a huge problem.

What is your next step in dealing with it going to be?

Pinkfrocks · 17/08/2014 15:03

are you just 43- like your profile says?
I thought you must be in your 50s the way you were talking and your mum about the menopause.

If you are just 43 then FGS woman you have years and years of life left!

I think you have to ask yourself if your DH has changed- from when you first met- or if you have changed.

What did you see in him when you met- and is he any different?
Is he quiet with everyone?
Being quiet can be ok- if that is what you are happy with.
Is he quiet with everyone or just you?
Is he quiet at work?

Original poster
DurhamDurham · 17/08/2014 16:11

I'm 44 in October so I think it is a bit premature of my mum to assume I'm going through the menopause.

My husband is generally a quiet person, however he can talk about sport and music to his dad/brother for hours. I love music too but if I try to engage him in conversation about it I don't get much back. He has always been quiet but I do think that years ago he made more of an effort, I think it wasn't obvious for a long time as we have two very chatty girls who talk a lot. Maybe I have changed too and have become more demanding but I just don't know. I'm overthinking everything at the minute.

With regards to what I'm going to do next, I still don't know. Once I've said something I think there will be no going back and it's a scary thought.

It has been mentioned that I write him a letter. I do think that I could write him a letter and that there is a very real possibility that he would read it and then not mention it again. He is great at avoiding things, if he thinks he can keep his head down low it will all blow over. In the past maybe it has blown over but I'm becoming less inclined to let it pass.

OP posts:
Iloverupertp · 17/08/2014 16:37

Durham
I was in a similar position end of last year. I'm also 42(with younger children though)and realised I really didn't love dh anymore.i couldn't stand to be physical with him,spend time or enjoy anything that most couples should do.the thought of spending the rest of my life with him made me want to cry.i saw a counsellor(he refused),read self help books but nothing could make me love him again.
I'm now in the middle of a pretty shitty divorce.but do I have any regrets?non whatsoever.i feel a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulder.i feel happier and more content than I have done for a long time.i delayed it for so long as worried about the kids but do you know what they're doing fine and can see I'm so much happier and more relaxed without him around.

Once those feelings are gone I truly think you can't get it back.good luck with your decisions

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 17/08/2014 16:49

Once I've said something I think there will be no going back

I'm not sure I understand why that should be, unless you think it's inevitable that he won't try to change things and therefore that will back you into a 'put up or shut up' corner.

Pinkfrocks · 17/08/2014 17:45

Durham- you don't seem to think there is any middle ground between feeling happy and feeling ready to leave.
If you care at all for your DH then surely he deserves a chance to change?
Sounds like you've tried him and passed sentences in your mind without him having a chance to defend himself and promise to try to change.

why is that?

Original poster
DurhamDurham · 17/08/2014 19:05

I think it's because when I have asked in the past why he doesn't have much to say to me he denies it. He doesn't seem to realise he doesn't talk to me very much, or if he does realise he doesn't seem to think it's an issue. The thing is as I mentioned in an earlier post I'm not expecting him to change overnight, I know that's unfair and unlikely. I think there will be no going back because he doesn't think he needs to make more of an effort, he's says he is happy the way things are. The only person I can change is me, either I go so I stay. Either of these choices fill me with dread at the minute. I'm dithering, I know I am.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 17/08/2014 19:14

How can he change the person he is? This is not a very realistic approach.

It sounds like, even if he did talk to you OP, it would only likely be sport and music. That's not going to go very far...

It's not like there are aspects of his behaviour he could change and everything could be ok, it seems more like a slow realisation that you have nothing in common beyond the children.

You're exactly the same age as me OP, but you had your children younger. A couple of my friends haven't even settled down for the first time yet, so it's awfully young to be making do for life.

girliefriend · 17/08/2014 19:15

I think you need need to work out how to leave him, get some legal advice. Have you got enough money to rent somewhere for a while.

I don't think your dh will ever 'get it' or take any responsibility so it is pointless trying to get him to talk or listen to you.

The 'why be happy when you can be normal' quote is spot on. You deserve to be happy, you will not find that stuck in a loveless marriage.

Pinkfrocks · 17/08/2014 19:58

But her marriage isn't loveless- sure her DH loves her very much- but he doesn't give her what she needs.

Durham- it sounds as if you want to cut and run rather quickly once your DD has done her A levels.

Is there any other reason? Have you met someone else maybe or had a hint of interest? A flirtation perhaps?

Have you actually told DH how you feel and that his behaviour is a deal breaker? It sounds as if you have nagged him but not really sat down with him and had a real heart to heart about how much this makes you miserable.

Original poster
DurhamDurham · 17/08/2014 20:05

Definitely no one else, not a hint of flirtation. I would never do that.
I think my husband does love me, it just comes down to me feeling dissatisfied with regards to communication and being ignored/not listened to.
I don't think I nag him, I have a couple of times got upset when he has basically answered 'yes' to whatever I was saying to him, instead of conversing with me he would say yes and that would be that. Sometimes I must handle it better than others. Recently I have found myself going to say something and then thinking 'oh what's the point, he'll just nod or say yes'. That's what I hate, the fact that I've stopped making an effort too.

I don't think I'm in a hurry to leave, the thought terrifies me actually.

OP posts:
MrsDavidBowie · 17/08/2014 20:11

I could write your posts op.

The "what's the point".....

Original poster
DurhamDurham · 17/08/2014 20:18

MrsDavidBowie, I hate myself for sampling this but knowing it's not just me makes me feel a bit better. Sorry that you are going through this too, hope it gets better for you Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
DurhamDurham · 17/08/2014 20:18

Saying not sampling!!

OP posts:
Pinkfrocks · 17/08/2014 20:40

If you can't be bothered then that is your choice. it sounds to me as if the no talking is just one of many reasons. Silence can be companionable.

It also sounds from what you have said as if you aren't willing to give him the chance to be different and that you have already made up your mind.

ALL couples have to adjust to the 'empty nest' syndrome when teens leave. It's nothing new. Some couples don't survive but for the sake of your children don't you think it's worth talking to him and explaining how you feel?

Sounds as if you don't want to do that because you want him to make it easy for you by not knowing how high the stakes are.