just found out DH been sleeping with prostitutes

[amillionlittlepieces]

hi

I cant believe I am even typing these words but i am at my wits end as i have had no one to talk for nearly a week.

last weekend by snooping through my dh mobile I discovered that he has been visiting prostitutes while working away in another city which he does frequently. i very quickly got it out of him that he has been 3 times this year and it has been going on for about 6 years. I am doubling all the figures he has given me so am estimating he has been with about 50 prostitutes behind my back although of course he denies the numbers are anything like this.

he is full of remorse and crying and begging me not to leave him every time we talk about it but i just feel completely cold (maybe in shock) and my main concern is not ruining the lives of my 2 little ones.

my problem is that he is a very good loving father and also a good provider for us and apart from this bombshell things havent been too bad for us. I know it sounds weird but i just dont know if i can leave him and destroy this family. although clearly he has no regard for that himself and didnt mind risking everything for a dirty shag with a stranger.

i dont know if i can manage being a single mum and am frightened that i wont be able to cope alone. I already am on my own when he is away working and find it very stressful and i am short tempered and not that happy as i work and look after kids and dont have any free/me time because he isnt around to support me.

i know i sound like a stupid weak woman but i am afraid that life without him will be worse than life with him. He assures me nothing like this will ever happen again but his job takes him away often so i cant even keep an eye on him.

i cant talk to anyone about this as I somehow feel that i will be smeared by his behaviour too and that perhaps I am to blame in some way. I am set to lose everything too here - my family , our friends, my life , my future and i just don't know what i should do for the best.

any help and advice would be appreciated

[ashesgirl]

This compartmentalising idea is very convenient. At some point, they give themselves permission to cross the line and they know exactly what they're doing, they just want to do it or feel they have the right to.

[Badvoc123]

When did adultery turn into sex addiction?

[onionlove]

Compartmentalizing is an excuse i cant steal from shops and say i was compartmentalizing and all would be forgiven i will never forgive my STBXH and i know he will repeat the behavior unless he gets some serious counselling i just pity the next person who is with him and i hope one day i can find a real man to share my life or i know I'm better off alone, good luck op and all others in this situation x

[Cabrinha]

Re addiction and working through it... I'd expect my ex certainly had a compulsion. And would have found it very hard to stop. He wasn't just being an arsehole.

But as one who has been there, I can tell you that the thing that angered me most wasn't the infidelity. It was the risk to my health. I know that he has requested unprotected sex in bookings.

It is not being over dramatic to say that he could have KILLED me. Orphaned my baby.
Risk level quite low, but real.
More likely risk he could have left me with something like herpes giving me the fun of explaining that to any potential partner, and hoping not to lose them over it.
My friend in a similar position was given the gift of chlamydia by her prostitute using husband.

Compartmentalise all you like that it's not cheating (ha ha ha) but keep your potentially pox ridden cox away from me, you disgusting piece of shit.

[GoblinMarket]

lucyinthesky78 you've made me weep and if i am ever in this osition i will hunt out your post again
all the best both of you x

[morethanpotatoprints]

I think if it was an addiction he wouldn't just be doing it when he was working away, he would be taking a chance all the time.
OP, you say he is a good father, well good fathers don't do this.
As for people talking about compartmentalising that's just bollocks. Each time he did it he will have known exactly what he was doing, spending family money, being sexually unfaithful, deceitful, etc.
You are worth so much better than this low life OP.

[shamefulsecret111]

My ex-partner did the same to me when I was carrying his child. Over the course of our 'rltnshp', he had slept with women we knew, so when he told me about the prostitutes it really did not seem that bad . I mean, how messed up is that?

I, personally, do not think that anyone can recover from that kind of emotional trauma, I just don't think our emotions can handle deceit on this level. I ended up staying and paying :-(

You need to believe that you are worth more. I wish I had.

[Rosierooroo]

Have name changed. I too am in the same situation one year on and have massive sympathy for you OP. I wonder would anyone be interested in a support thread for partners of sex addicts/vile prostitute users (delete as you see fit!)?

I think it is a very particular type of infidelity and I feel I am suffering doubly from the betrayal and the shame and also the abhorrence that my dh could use other women in this way. If anyone is l interested et me know and we can start a thread.'D'H and I are still together but only very tenuously.

[kaykayblue]

Can I ask Rosie roo roo - and I mean this genuinely - why did you decide to stay with your husband? What possible reason/justification could exist in this universe that made you decide that staying with someone who had paid women to have sex with him - whilst married to you?

My brain can literally not compute how that situation could possibly exist. It's like if someone's best friend has been fucking their husband, and stabbed them ten times in the stomach, and the injured party deciding to stay friends because "well, I don't have many friends so I might as well forgive them and keep them in my life".

What the fuck people?!?! Am I somehow back in the 18th century where this shit was quietly accepted? Or the 1930's where divorce was so scandalous that people remained with the worst scum of humanity because the alternative was social oblivion?

This whole situation - and people saying that it's okay for a woman to utterly stamp on her own self respect by staying in a marriage like this - is fucking mental.

[juliascurr]

same kay

[Squidstirfry]

Yes, Kay.
Plus men who pay for sex are vile. Just... eeurgh. How can you still look at him? Do you understand how much he deeply hates women??

[Jan45]

Well said Kay, how low do you have to feel about yourself to accept such crap.

[FolkGirl]

I am no apologist for this at all. It's vile and I wouldn't tolerate it for a second.

But I do think we, as women, view it differently to men.

I don't think a lot of them do hate women. I don't think they see it as any different to paying to get your haircut, or have the car washed, or have your ironing done for you.

It's just paying for a service someone else is offering in exchange for money.

[FolkGirl]

I meant as far as men are concerned. That's not my view!

[ashesgirl]

Maybe finances make it difficult to leave.

[Jan45]

A decent man with morals and self pride would never pay for sex in the first place.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Jan45 and Kay

Do you know that your ohs aren't playing away, or doing this.
It's easy to spout a lot when you aren't in the position the OP is in.
I don't think they hate women neither, they like them a bit too much, that's the problem.

[getthefeckouttahere]

Could i must be a lone voice that says his despicable behaviour does not mean that he is not a great dad. Are we really saying that infidelity renders all parenting as null and void. I simply don't buy that.

My ex lied, cheated, exposed me to sexual health risks, spent our money etc on an EMA for ages. It was horrid disgusting behaviour but it didnt/doesn't stop her being an absolutely fantastic mum to our kids. I find this need to link unrelated behaviours moralistic, judgemental and wrong.

[getthefeckouttahere]

I think i meant to add that it made her a shit wife, not a shit mum.

[Jan45]

more: yes I do and my stand point has nothing to do with the OPs situation, I myself as an adult believe a decent man with respect for himself and his woman would not be seeking out prostitutes, end of, deal with it.

[Vivacia]

I don't think a lot of them do hate women. I don't think they see it as any different to paying to get your haircut, or have the car washed, or have your ironing done for you.
It's just paying for a service someone else is offering in exchange for money.

It's paying somebody for a service that they are very, very likely offering because they have no choice due to sex trafficking/slavery, poverty and/or addictions. Most people are selling their bodies because they have few or no options with few or no friends. And sex involves more than hair-cutting or ironing. Even if the person is willing and actually gets to keep some of the money they risk physical assault, robbery, STIs, emotional abuse and humiliation.

Knowing this, and doing it anyway, I think makes these men women-haters.

[AnyFucker]

How removed from human empathy does one have to be to compare buying sex to getting a haircut ?

[kaykayblue]

Folkgirl - your analogy about men seeing this as a service similar to a hair cut or whatever doesn't really support your argument if you think about it.

It shows that these men view women's bodies as objects that can be bought at their convenience, picked up and dropped as they feel like it. Much like you can rent a car or a video. It doesn't occur to them that these women are someone's daughter (as they may well have daughters), or sister, or mother.

They aren't people to these guys, they are just objects.

And liking women too much? That genuinely made me laugh. If they liked women they wouldn't be actively contributing to an industry that - at it's very basis - has to take advantage of women at their weakest and most vulnerable, and ensure that they stay that way.

If they wouldn't like another man to treat their sisters or daughters in the same way, then they shouldn't be doing the same thing to other women.

morethanpotatoprints - well as far as anybody can ever know anything, then yes. I am certain my partner isn't fucking prostitutes. HOWEVER, the point isn't about what someone does about a behaviour when they have no idea it's happening. Of course you can't do anything - you don't know about it! It's what you do when you find out about it.

I agree that there are some circumstances where you genuinely can't know what you would do until it happens to you. But...I don't think this is one of those situations.

I am trying to think of reasons I would stay with my partner if it turned out he had been using prostitutes. The only things I can think of would be:

• If one of my parents was dying I would fake that we were still happy until they had passed on, so they didn't have something to worry about
  
  
• If, by leaving him, one of my family members would be killed (not sure how that would happen, but still)
  
  Look, my point here isn't to try and make the OP feel like shit. All I am saying is that it is unhelpful, and quite frankly dangerous to try and "normalise" situations like this and say that it's understandable to stay in a relationship after something like this has happened.
  
  Because it isn't.
  
  It is 100% the decision of the affected party as to what they do. Of course, and no-one is saying that isn't the case. But let's not kid ourselves. If your daughter was in this situation, would you advise her to stay? Ever?
  
  If it wouldn't be good enough for your daughter, why is it good enough for you?

[AnyFucker]

To be fair, Folkgirl wasn't excusing in any way the mindset of men that use prostitutes. However, I do agree that normalising it is very damaging.

it is not normal and should not form any part of a civilised society, no matter what excuses or justifications are made for it

[AnyFucker]

In other words, men who do this should be shunned, ostracised and criminalised not shielded and protected by women who would rather keep the superficial facade of a family life than rock the boat.