just found out DH been sleeping with prostitutes

[amillionlittlepieces]

hi

I cant believe I am even typing these words but i am at my wits end as i have had no one to talk for nearly a week.

last weekend by snooping through my dh mobile I discovered that he has been visiting prostitutes while working away in another city which he does frequently. i very quickly got it out of him that he has been 3 times this year and it has been going on for about 6 years. I am doubling all the figures he has given me so am estimating he has been with about 50 prostitutes behind my back although of course he denies the numbers are anything like this.

he is full of remorse and crying and begging me not to leave him every time we talk about it but i just feel completely cold (maybe in shock) and my main concern is not ruining the lives of my 2 little ones.

my problem is that he is a very good loving father and also a good provider for us and apart from this bombshell things havent been too bad for us. I know it sounds weird but i just dont know if i can leave him and destroy this family. although clearly he has no regard for that himself and didnt mind risking everything for a dirty shag with a stranger.

i dont know if i can manage being a single mum and am frightened that i wont be able to cope alone. I already am on my own when he is away working and find it very stressful and i am short tempered and not that happy as i work and look after kids and dont have any free/me time because he isnt around to support me.

i know i sound like a stupid weak woman but i am afraid that life without him will be worse than life with him. He assures me nothing like this will ever happen again but his job takes him away often so i cant even keep an eye on him.

i cant talk to anyone about this as I somehow feel that i will be smeared by his behaviour too and that perhaps I am to blame in some way. I am set to lose everything too here - my family , our friends, my life , my future and i just don't know what i should do for the best.

any help and advice would be appreciated

Sabella - did you ever ask any of the prostitute-using men how they would feel if their wives ever bought a man for sex?

Op, of course he knew what he was doing. BUT he either felt that he was entitled to do what he wanted, or you would never find out, or would someone be OK with it. Or all 3.
In any case, I'm sure he feels hard done by now. And will be even more so in the future when he is alone and an EOW dad.

Also agree it comes down to his sense of entitlement.

Good luck to you OP, it's hard to move forward but also hard to see how you could take him back and trust him.

Lucyinthesky

You are one tough cookie. True inspiration.

ptumbi that wasn't a question they asked themselves, and not one they even considered as a worthwhile question to answer in the interviews. Some would say "if she wanted then she could" for the sake of it, or so as to not look like a hypocrite. There was no realisation moment where the conscience kicked into gear.

This wasn't down to them being evil human beings - it was mostly because of their ability to compartmentalise. They did not see their occasional "hobby" as affecting their normal every day lives. Therefore not subject to comparisons, expectations of consistency or requiring engagement of other faculties other than a basic need that was met.

Men who used prostitutes possessed an ability to compartmentalise that was off the scale. That mindset is not of a villain, constantly aware of what they are doing, going around getting kicks from hurting people and not caring. It is a person who allows themselves to slip into a parallel universe for an hour once a week and their brain allows them to detach that part from the rest of their life. It's lazy thinking. There's no analysis. No "what if?" They just do it. Acting, not thinking.

I could never stay with someone (or want them around my children) who I knew thought it was okay to take advantage of another person's vulnerability by paying them to allow them to use their bodies.

It's not the sex, it's the exploitation, cruelty and sheer disrespect for another person. Not who I would want around me or my children.

Fwiw I would guess that for a person to lead a double life successfully, it takes a committed level of constant energy and a lot of thought. And if it crossed his mind over the past six years how DW might react to finding out, he must have weighed it up and decided for the entertainment he was getting, it was worth the risk.

Hardly "without thought".

So what are you saying Sabella? Not to take their actions personally? Because these men aren't trying to hurt their wives? Of course they're not. That would mean losing cake. And that IS something they care about. I never said they were evil. I said they are disordered.

Thank you Mamma, truly. I'd never thought of myself as that but it's a huge compliment. Thank you.

I agree with everything Donkeys said.

But anyway, this thread isn't about arguing about the minds of these people, it's about supporting AMillion.

Lucyinthesky I wasn't challenging you or anybody. I think you are right.

I was just trying to get inside the OP's head a little and understand her original reasons for wanting to forgive him and say that - in some circumstances - they are valid ones.

Then someone asked me a question, and I answered it.

OP I am very sorry to read what has happened to you and agree that a bit of space between you would be a good idea but would also not judge you for wanting to find a way through this and try and save your marriage. I also know a couple who had exactly this issue but decided to try and salvage something from the wreckage. That was 15 yrs ago. It hasn't been easy and has required huge commitment but they are happy. (It seems). and for these two there was no financial incentive as she was the higher earner, he also compartmentalized and didn't recognize his behaviour as 'disloyal' because he hadn't had any emotional attachment. It may turn out that your dh behaviour is something you cannot forgive, but please don't make any decisions yet. It is no more the right thing to leave as it is wrong to want to stay. Take your time and make your own decision, the one that feels right for you.

he also compartmentalized and didn't recognize his behaviour as 'disloyal' because he hadn't had any emotional attachment.

That's just baffling. What about the lying and deceit, the misuse of family money, the risk to sexual health..?

Fair enough Sabella. I'm sorry for getting annoyed. I wasn't sure where you were coming from.

At the end of the day, there's no easy choice here for AMillion. In no way should she be judged for any decisions she makes. And it's so very early days.

He didn't recognise his behaviour as disloyal? I think that's actually worse than the sleeping with prostitutes bit.

Hi OP i am 3 months separated now after finding out similar about my dh, we have two young children, he tried to lie his way out of it for a couple of months but in the end had to confess, im sure i still don't know the full extent of what he was up to and im not interested i made the right decision asking him to leave its not easy but as a previous poster said we now have a peaceful house and a more loving family unit without a horrible atmosphere

it would take courage to forgive i couldn't and i didn't want my son and daughter to think that was an acceptable way to be in a relationship. I didn't think i could cope but i think i am doing well considering and the children are such a positive thing i am determined to be ok for them

i recently received a letter from him trying to explain and saying sorry, i think he is obviously seeing a counsellor about inability to communicate and function in a family and therefore ability to compartmentalize which is something a previous.post mentioned

anyhow i wish you luck and just put yourself and kids first, you'll be ok i promise x

it would take courage to forgive

It takes more courage to make a stand against it, end the relationship and go it alone.

It doesn't take courage to forgive. It just means that fear of the unknown is greater than fear of the known.

Although I believe some women tell themselves they have forgiven and moved on to protect the status quo.

OP, do whatever you have to do. My exH had an affair. I don't have any family other than my brother, but my friends and complete strangers who became friends were amazing. Good luck. x

for all of you that have been put in this shitty situation

the bit about men not being bad men, it's just that they can " compartmentalise "

I think the ability to compartmentalise , ( meaning pay to shag other women whilst allegedly loving their wives ) marks them out as utter bastards on so many levels.

" compartmentalising " is far from a get out of jail free card

OP I wish you all the best whatever happens.

Whether he is "compartmentalising" or not, he is still a cunt.

OP - I agree that it takes much more courage to leave than it does to stay.

In all honesty, I think as scary as it is, leaving is the only way that you can maintain your self respect and re build your life. And, of course, demonstrate to your children that this behaviour is not something to accept in a relationship.

That said, I understand that it much easier said than done. Can you speak to someone about this? A friend or family member?

This is not some "one off mistake" from your partner. This is sustained, calculated disrespect to you and your children. If you decide to move on and forgive, in all honesty, I don't think your partner will change. Why would they? If there are no consequences to what he is doing, then why would he give up his sordid life on the side?

Take some time to grieve the relationship.

Not only has he utterly and intentionally fucked up your marriage, he has also chosen to take part in a horrible market of women - a huge portion of which are forced to take part in work such as this. You mention he did this abroad - both the Netherlands and the Czech Republic have a huge problem with human trafficking. He is scum of the worst kind.

By the way, there's no way in hell that your children will blame you for this. You can tell them the truth when they are older. I would personally advise keeping some kind of evidence so that you can show them when you decide to tell them (probably when they are in their twenties).

No-one on this planet would blame a woman for leaving their partner in this situation.

My STBXH is not a womanizer or a player.
Everyone thinks he's mild mannered, affable, friendly, decent...
He is a lot of that, some of the time.

He fucked prostitutes the entire time we were together (8 years and 1 marriage and 1 child) - although I didn't know at the time! Both before and after marriage. He didn't have to marry me, if I wasn't "enough".

From what I can work out, it wasn't kinky and it was probably about once a month.

He said he'd stop - once he finally admitted he had, I got all the ludicrous "a mate used my phone / virus" crap.

OK, now this is the important bit:

6 weeks after meeting his new girlfriend, he booked a prostitute via adultwork. 6 weeks.

Sure you can find me one man who sees the error of his ways and changes.

And I'll show you 1000 more who WON'T.
Possibly even can't without some kind of help. You do that for years, you're not going to give it up easily.

I'm sorry x

Lucy -I'm so glad to hear you're doing OK!

And you know what?

BOLLOCKS to compartmentalising.

When I realised my STBXH was almost definitely lying about "just looking" (I was fighting for my child to have married patents...) I had the chance of a ONS. I didn't. But given my then H's sins, I could have compartmentalising that. Easily.

I now have a BF, and had the chance of a risk free ONS with a previous BF, who lives on the other side of the world.
It would have been amazing. My BF would not have known. I actually think I wouldn't have felt guilty. I can compartmentalise that too. I didn't cheat though - be size I know that it is WRONG and a thoroughly disgusting way to treat someone. It isn't about whether I feel disloyal to my BF - it's about treating him like shit.

So I don't care if a man who cheats is compartmentalising. Frankly - so what?

Furthermore, I think it's more reason to leave. If someone cheats on you because they can compartmentalise, what will stop them doing it again?

I'm not saying that people don't -but I'm saying it's just a useless concept.

That he compartmentalises is neither here nor there. He's an arsehole.

OP, I don't see how you could stay with someone who has done this, you probably only know the tip of the iceberg and that is bad enough.

Stay put, he will continue to do it, in other words, he will continue to shit all over your family, risk your sexual health, use family money and have a great old time, while you sit at home counting how much money he has given you - how awful a way to live.

You do have a choice OP, you could choose you and your children over the sad excuse for a man.

Thanks Cabrinha. When I was on here with just suspicions, everything you told me turned out to be true. I'm still so grateful for the advice you gave me - I'll never forget it.
It sounds like everything is going great for you too now xx

Against the grain on this one. I have Seen a marriage survive this. It is an addiction like any other (sex, illicit thrill seeking without any emotional commitment) he just depends if he is serious about stopping, wether OP feels she can trust him again and/or if she wishes to try and save her marriage. It is her decision, he has forfeited his rights to a say in the matter, but to say it's 'braver' to leave than stay is complete nonsense. It is neither braver to stay than to leave, not some kind of competition but a life changing decision for OP and her dc and not anyone's place to judge her choice. Marriages hit all kinds of horrific, catastrophic problems and the answer isn't ALWAYS ltb !

It is when he's sticking his cock in someone else.

Bollocks is it an
addiction