just found out DH been sleeping with prostitutes

[amillionlittlepieces]

hi

I cant believe I am even typing these words but i am at my wits end as i have had no one to talk for nearly a week.

last weekend by snooping through my dh mobile I discovered that he has been visiting prostitutes while working away in another city which he does frequently. i very quickly got it out of him that he has been 3 times this year and it has been going on for about 6 years. I am doubling all the figures he has given me so am estimating he has been with about 50 prostitutes behind my back although of course he denies the numbers are anything like this.

he is full of remorse and crying and begging me not to leave him every time we talk about it but i just feel completely cold (maybe in shock) and my main concern is not ruining the lives of my 2 little ones.

my problem is that he is a very good loving father and also a good provider for us and apart from this bombshell things havent been too bad for us. I know it sounds weird but i just dont know if i can leave him and destroy this family. although clearly he has no regard for that himself and didnt mind risking everything for a dirty shag with a stranger.

i dont know if i can manage being a single mum and am frightened that i wont be able to cope alone. I already am on my own when he is away working and find it very stressful and i am short tempered and not that happy as i work and look after kids and dont have any free/me time because he isnt around to support me.

i know i sound like a stupid weak woman but i am afraid that life without him will be worse than life with him. He assures me nothing like this will ever happen again but his job takes him away often so i cant even keep an eye on him.

i cant talk to anyone about this as I somehow feel that i will be smeared by his behaviour too and that perhaps I am to blame in some way. I am set to lose everything too here - my family , our friends, my life , my future and i just don't know what i should do for the best.

any help and advice would be appreciated

[ashesgirl]

Don't think she means OP is a prostitute but pointing out that this man keeps his life the way he wants it with his money - while the women around him have to deal with him because of their lack of money.

It sounds like mostly the financial situation that's keeping the OP with this wanker.

[Vivacia]

And many people are trapped in sex trafficking, poverty and/or addictions. Many have few or no friends and few or no options. Doesn't mean we should exploit them for sex.

[isthisanacidtest]

Wrapdress - are you my exMIL? Just that's what she said. That I'd only ever been with her son for his money and that I was no better than a whore.

[Limer]

Your DC will not blame you for anything. How can they? This is all your DH's fault.

Child: "Mummy why did you make Daddy leave?"

You: "I didn't make him leave, he decided that himself by his actions."

[ashesgirl]

Please let's not go down the 'whore' line? Prostitutes are still people at the end of the day, some of who have ended up bad situations.

Let's focus on HIS behaviour - he's the one that's behaved appallingly, operating from his privileged existence.

[PickledPorcupine]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you op.

I have nothing to add to the advice you've had but just wanted to stress that you must, must, must get a full STI check. If this is something you haven't had before I know it'll be scary but if you have something it needs treated now.

[ptumbi]

I left my marriage of 18 years -and my toxic sister queried how I could walk away from the Lovely house, car, lifestyle... It made me feel like I had only been in it for the gilded cage.

Op-i often see women on here saying'how can I tell the DC that I caused the spilt? Won't they hate me for breaking up the family' NO, they won't. None of my DC has EVER asked why we split, it's nothing to do with them. They still have a mum and a dad, just not together. And my DC were mid-and-early teens, so well able to understand, and although the family units are different now, they still well adjusted and normal.

[ptumbi]

And I would find it really, really t sleep with a man like your dh. I'd be imagining where that cock had been, the whole time. Ick.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Wrapdress if this H had told his DW his intentions before paying prostitutes then she could have chosen to accept an open relationship or just dump him, it would have been her choice, as he hid it she had no choice in the matter.


Men pay for the pleasure of pretending they've satisfied a sex worker - she's paid to make him believe the fantasy. Otherwise why bother, why not just masturbate? A sex worker knows what the job entails. The H here didn't tell OP what he was up to so she never got to choose whether she carried on sleeping with him or not. She now has to weigh up her life and the DCs' and look at her marriage. That's the difference.

With so much available porn online (which I'm not condoning) he still went a step further and engaged in a risky rl pursuit, multiple times.

OP he gave himself permission. He didn't just cross a line once. I don't see why you should blame yourself. He must have felt like the big I Am and got secret ego strokes paid for out of family money. Tears are all very well. How long do you think before he'll repeat this?

[Floop]

Donkeys, that is so true.

An ex of mine boasted about using prostitutes frequently. He always justified it to himself with 'she loved it.'

She didn't. You paid her.

[LucyInTheSky78]

Hi AMillion,

I just wanted to let you know that I'm 9 months on from the same experience. I've been for my STI test (cried like a baby in front of the nurse who was a lovely woman who cuddled me until I stopped crying), I've moved house twice with 2 small children (at the time 6 month old and 5 year old) and now the noise has stopped, I'm dealing with the silence if that makes sense.

I threw my husband out immediately. I cried for my children, I cried for the death of the life I thought I had, I cried for myself and I cried with fear of the future.
I lay awake wondering if I should take him back and forget about myself for the sake of my kids having mum and dad at home, after all, surely it was my fault for making the mistake about his character and marrying him?

No. I'm sure you must be feeling some kind of twisted guilt. I did. Stop it immediately. It is not your choice to break up your family. He put you in this position. He put himself first over & over again. He will do it again. So don't even think that if you find some way to forgive him that that's all you'll have to deal with (as if that isn't enough).

I know your head is exploding but please take a look at chumplady.com. This woman saved my life every time I wobbled. Read her articles. All of them.

I know it's terrifying but please please please, take a stand. Remember your worth and trust that he sucks. Because if you decide to finish it he will chuck every trick in the book at you and you'll need strength for that too.

My husband cried. For himself as it turns out. My husband months later tried another charm offensive. I trusted that he sucked and stuck to my guns. Guess what? A totally different man when he realised I wasn't taking him back. Nasty. Arrogant. I'm saying this to try and prepare you.

Just don't ever believe you're trapped. You have options. You are stronger than you think you are.

I didn't return to work after maternity leave because my head was still up my arse and now I'm on benefits completely. That was a shock. I got over the embarrassment pretty quickly though because I am in utter need of help.

9 months on I have a new home for me and my children, they are happy and thriving. My 5 yo asked why and I told her that Daddy broke the special promise he made when he married me. She understood and she accepted it. When my children are older & ask more questions, I'll tell them the truth. It's as simple as that. Please stop worrying about things you have no control of.

Would you like a child of yours to spend their adult life in the way you would be by staying? I'm going to guess no. Be their example. Take strength from that. And always hold your head up.
You didn't ask for this. It's shit beyond any words. I still miss him sometimes! Miss being a family with him in it. But he never really existed. It was a lie. I refuse to live a lie. Do you?
It does get better. Please, please believe me and if there's anyone you can talk to, no matter how close or far away DO IT. You need people to talk to. Saying it out loud helps reality hit home too. This is not your shame.

I'm sorry, I've gotten a bit ranty. I'm just so angry for you.

Just don't forget your worth.

[Bowlersarm]

Ok.,against the grain. Happened to my best friend. They got over it and have been stable and very happy afterwards. What do you want to happen OP?

[Matildasmam22]

Have you asked him why he paid for escorts op? Is it that he wanted sex but didn't want the emotional side that would entail.

I'd get the STD test but I wouldn't panic over it. A sex workers sexual health is there livelihood, he'd have more chance of picking something up off a one night stand.

[HumblePieMonster]

ok, I read the first post and nothing else.

he's not a wonderful father/provider because he goes with prostitutes.
get your health checks and check out of his life, taking your children. or, ideally, kick him out and make him fund you until the youngest is eighteen.

you want to keep him? i can't understand it.

[DippyDooDahDay]

Op, really feel for you,agree though that he is fundamentally upset as he has been rumbled. I have a colleague that is married but has often used prostitutes and talks openly about it in the office - he is the office clown and seems to get away with it as part of his banter. He has also remarked that if his wife ever found out, she would probably go mad but ultimately not leave him as in their culture divorce is heavily frowned upon (I am sure infidelity is too but he seems to overlook that!)....please don't let your financial and work situation keep you with someone who has been so wrecklessly unfaithful that your resentment is bound to grow...in a different situation, I was a full time working mum of two dc's and had to struggle a bit after our break up. But work and finances have come good..and without any financial or parenting support from exh. And when I go to bed now, I go in peace, not wandering who is he with or if I am as paranoid as he said. Good luck, whatever choices you make op.

[IUsedToUseMyHands]

Great advice from Lucyinthesky78 - I second all that! I just wanted to add that when I went for my STD check, because I was completely asymptomatic, my GP said the only tests I'd need were self swab tests - I just did them in the loo and handed them in at reception. It wasn't traumatic at all. The worst thing was answering the GP's questions about what had happened. She was lovely though.

[amillionlittlepieces]

Lucyinthesky i am so sorry to hear that you have had this same hideous thing happen to you. Did you tell all your friends and family the truth of what he had done to you ? How did people react ?

thank you for sharing your awful experience with me and its good to know that you you now know you made the right decision to chuck him out.

i know i need to respect myself because clearly he doesn't and i have always been good at giving advice to my girlfriends about their shitty relationships and DPs so now i know i need to take my own advice and move on.

at least i have my wonderful Dcs to be by my side through this

[Sabellassweatyforehead]

I can understand why the OP is reluctant to leave. I am not condoning prostitution at all, but as far as she may have been trying to predict what's been going on in her H's head all this time, it is clearly much easier to compartmentalise sleeping with prostitutes, than it is to compartmentalise an affair. There is no overspill when you use prostitutes. You can tell yourself you went temporarily insane for an hour, you can justify it in your own head and nobody is there questioning you - not an OW, not a DW wanting to understand your changed emotional behaviour. It is quite literally in and out.

I have made several documentaries on prostitution in the UK and what is most complex is often the "punters" sense of what they are doing. They convince themselves it's like a hobby, or a treat. Like popping down to the pub for a pint and to watch the football. Most of the men I interviewed loved their DW's very much and never sought an emotional connection elsewhere, but instead of talking to them about their sexual needs, had compartmentalised their sexual needs. At no point do they think about what they are perpetuating or the damage they are doing to others.

I still think it is a highly selfish, dangerous and exploitative thing to do, but I just wanted to acknowledge what might be OP's thought process about it. In the context of her relationship I don't think she deserves to be bashed or moralised at, for wanting to stay.

[amillionlittlepieces]

Sabellasweaty you are absolutely right in what you have said. What you have talked about is what has been going through my head for the last week and how i came to write on here as i thought it wasn't what I should have been thinking or the typical response of chucking him out and changing the locks etc.

There is no emotional ties between my DH and these women it was purely a sexual and not even a kinky type of act just plain old 'wham bam thank you mam' and out the door. He has never been back to the same one twice and I actually believe him. He hasn't been having an emotional and physical relationship behind my back on a long term basis with another woman which i do believe is something altogether different to deal with.

My dh does seem genuinely quite shellshocked that i have told him last night that its over between us. He is definitely not a cruel man or a 'player' or a womaniser and never has been. He really doesn't seem to have ever considered the damage that his acts could end up doing to our lives.

that said he is also not a stupid man so knew full well what he was doing over the last 6 years whether he considered the outcome or not I cant forgive him for that.

[Vivacia]

6 years.

Do you know how much of your money he has spent on this?

[amillionlittlepieces]

no idea he told me it costs £100 a go ! so am guessing its easily in the £1000s but i wont ever know and tbh it doesn't matter now

[Vivacia]

You're right, I was just thinking in terms of his reaction last night that it's over. As if he thought six years of receipt wouldn't result in this.

[LucyInTheSky78]

Hi AMillion,

Yes, I told my two closest friends straight away. The whole truth. They were absolutely out of this world. The love and support they offered blows my mind. I'm so grateful for them.
They listened to me repeat myself over and over again as I tried to make sense of it all.

I told my brother the day before I finally got a confession from my husband (I already knew where all the evidence pointed but needed to hear him say it). I'm glad I did because I needed him to come to my house to get my husband to leave as he was refusing to go.
My brother was a huge support too. He handled himself very well considering he's always been a protective big brother. I'm sure there was nothing more he'd have liked better than to punch him in the face but he controlled his anger the entire time.

My father too was tremendous. The first couple of days he took me out for walks where we'd talk about unrelated things. I cried at one point and said maybe I've made a mistake and how can I possible manage alone, that I should take him back and he just looked at me and said "how could you ever trust him again?"
And I knew I couldn't.

I spoke to other family on the phone and they always called to check how I was doing and to listen again to me repeating myself.

I think by talking to people you can trust be it friends or family helps you to stay in reality. Helps to make sense of all the confusion.

I didn't get one bad response from anyone. As time rolled on and I had the dreaded task of saying to acquaintances that my marriage had broken down, I simply said that we had separated. Nobody asked any awkward questions. It was great to eventually get to the point that everyone in my wider circles knew we'd separated so I didn't have to dread the 'How's your husband doing?' questions or where were 'we' moving to.

Sometimes it felt so weird to say 'we've separated' - and I'd think 'God, is this actually me saying this? Is this really my life?' but I think that's one of the main points of telling people, it helps to keep you in reality instead of sticking your head in the sand.

As for what another poster said about their experience with documentaries on the subject, I'm not really sure that they can really love their wives. Maybe they believe they do but although it's very interesting to try and get inside their heads, to try and understand, the bottom line is they are fucked up individuals. Disordered characters. And anybody who wants a peaceful life and a healthy mind needs to get the hell away from them.

[inlectorecumbit]

that money he spent on his own pleasure was family money that he has taken from you and your DC's.
How did he think you were going to react when you found out? A wee slap on the wrist, naughty boy don't do it again.
He has potentially put the life of you-the mother of his DC's at risk, that is non forgivable.
Do not protect him OP tell who you need to tell, get support from whoever you need can. He will not voluntarily admit what he has done wrong and may deflect the marriage breakdown on you.
You have done nothing wrong, he has fucked over your wedding vows, he has destroyed his life please do not let him destroy the lives of you and your DC's.
Will he leave the house or do you think he will play hard ball?