just found out DH been sleeping with prostitutes

[amillionlittlepieces]

hi

I cant believe I am even typing these words but i am at my wits end as i have had no one to talk for nearly a week.

last weekend by snooping through my dh mobile I discovered that he has been visiting prostitutes while working away in another city which he does frequently. i very quickly got it out of him that he has been 3 times this year and it has been going on for about 6 years. I am doubling all the figures he has given me so am estimating he has been with about 50 prostitutes behind my back although of course he denies the numbers are anything like this.

he is full of remorse and crying and begging me not to leave him every time we talk about it but i just feel completely cold (maybe in shock) and my main concern is not ruining the lives of my 2 little ones.

my problem is that he is a very good loving father and also a good provider for us and apart from this bombshell things havent been too bad for us. I know it sounds weird but i just dont know if i can leave him and destroy this family. although clearly he has no regard for that himself and didnt mind risking everything for a dirty shag with a stranger.

i dont know if i can manage being a single mum and am frightened that i wont be able to cope alone. I already am on my own when he is away working and find it very stressful and i am short tempered and not that happy as i work and look after kids and dont have any free/me time because he isnt around to support me.

i know i sound like a stupid weak woman but i am afraid that life without him will be worse than life with him. He assures me nothing like this will ever happen again but his job takes him away often so i cant even keep an eye on him.

i cant talk to anyone about this as I somehow feel that i will be smeared by his behaviour too and that perhaps I am to blame in some way. I am set to lose everything too here - my family , our friends, my life , my future and i just don't know what i should do for the best.

any help and advice would be appreciated

[Drumdrum60]

How can you be sure it's six years ? Why not sixteen ?

[Drumdrum60]

Have you asked yourself why you are minimising his behaviour ? You are on shock right now and haven't faced the truth which is too awful to believe. Tell him to leave.

[wobbly1]

I have just kicked my partner out having endured two years with the knowledge of this addiction. We have two girls aged 10 and 2. I discovered his use of prostitutes/massage parlours/hardcore pornography/online sex webcams 4 weeks after the birth of our second daughter. Like your DH it would be hard for an outsider to believe it of him - charming, intelligent, a good father, kind, considerate, great job etc. They come in all guises these men. He went to counselling, we also went together. I had the tears and pleading and promising that it will never happen again. Guess what, it did. And he's out. His relationship, his daughters, his health, my health (yes he passed something onto me), his career ( all this was not enough to stop him.

I haven't worked out what I'll tell my girls yet but I'm sure I will. Whatever underlying problem he gave for his behaviour - abusive father, rotten childhood blah blah - are his problems now. And I'm convinced the tears he's crying are for himself not for me or the girls. I feel relief because I haven't been able to look myself or my girls in the eye these last two years. So if you haven't done so already, do yourself a favour and get out. Because you'll never trust him and these desires will never leave him. Even if he controls the behaviour the compulsion will always be with him. And you have to ask whether you can live with that for the rest of your life.

[FolkGirl]

And I agree that painting them all as 'woman haters' doesn't help a wife who is already devastated and just doesn't recognise her loving husband in that description. It just makes it so much harder to work out what to do.

When the answer should always, always, always, to get rid, surely.

[FolkGirl]

Yeah, I'm certainly not excusing the men.

I just genuinely think that some men aren't aware or don't realise or have even thought about it. I think that many will just think that these women are offering a service that the women are in a position to provide and they, the men, want to buy. There's no deceit involved, they both know where they stand, if it wasn't him it would be someone else, it's more decent than having a ONS... (Not that they should be doing either...)

I'm not saying I don't think it's an issue or that I'm equating it to getting the car valeted, or whatever. I just think that's what some men think.

Some men will be completely aware and just not give a shit.

My exH wouldn't have used prostitutes because of the "someone's mother/daughter/sister" angle and because he thought sex should always and only be between two people who love each other. But he knew nothing of trafficking (in the early days when these things were being discussed) and wouldn't have assumed they were all on drugs. Not unless they looked like the archetypical 'junkie'.

But I agree that theyare all fucking lying cheating arsehole scum shits though . Absolutely.

[Cabrinha]

I can't make the "woman hater" tag fit my XH.

I won't ever know why he did / does it. But factors include that he is v v selfish, doesn't have strong opinions on anything (including therefore I assume ethics of buying women) and he's also quite dim.

I don't think he hates - he just doesn't care (selfish), doesn't think (dim) and will think he's with one of the % that do it because they get good money and actually really enjoy his (utter lack of) technique.

I may be wrong :)
But I think it's not always helpful to say it, as I think the wife can think "well, I know he doesn't hate women, so maybe he's the exception and this is excusable" etc.

They're certainly all fucking lying cheating arsehole scum shits though :)

[Cabrinha]

Kaykay, I totally agree with you that an addiction cannot be blamed for the first time. And that one time is resin enough to go.

I don't like the word whore though - let's keep the insults for the men that use these women, the vast majority, according to all research I've seen, have not ended up as prostitutes from any lack of morals.

[kaykayblue]

Hi Rosie - I never meant to downplay the pain you must be feeling. That was never my intention.

You mentioned that you needed, for your own sake, to see if the relationship could be mended. Do you know what that would look like?

From the outside it sounds like looking at a dead body, and asking the doctor if they are sure that a heart transplant wouldn't help. Sorry for the morbid analogy.

It does honestly seem that the only thing which is growing in this space is your own pain - but obviously I can't know that.

Re: addiction. Okay so first off I think that's complete bollocks. But secondly, you don't get addicted to things unless you knowingly and willingly try them for the first time. If someone never injects heroin then they are never going to be addicted. If someone never smokes a cigarette, they're never going to be a smoker. If someone never visits whores, they can't be addicted to them.

[AnyFucker]

Has anybody really said they are "certain" that their own partner would never behave like this ? I haven't and I am not. You cannot ever know anyone 100%. But by christ, once you do, that is the time to act.

[AnyFucker]

No one has ridiculed you, Rosie.

The problem and mistakes you are making I see for you here is 1) you still want to save the unsalvageable 2) you are keeping his dirty secrets for him 3) you take on shame that is not yours to own 4) you are upholding a facade that never really existed at great personal cost 5) you believe your partner has a problem that can be solved by "treatment" then everything could go back to the way it was before like all he had was a broken leg or something 6) you haven't even mentioned the ethical aspects of men buying women's bodies and most worryingly of all 7) your husband has had no consequences for his despicable actions

it's a recipe for disaster...yours

[Jan45]

As certain as I can be Rosie. I don't believe it's an addiction either, that's just another excuse for shitty behaviour really.

I know how I would react, I wouldn't be with him.

Sorry you are going through similar, personally I don't think any man is worth the suffering and embarrassment, not to mention the damage it would do to my self esteem, I love myself more than any man, that's for sure.

I hope you get to a peaceful contentment, you deserve to be happy.

[Rosierooroo]

Well Kay and others. I can only speak for myself and say that I have not decided to stay with my husband but am still deciding what to do. You say you are certain your dh would not do that. I felt the same way a year ago and I think am still in shock that this is my reality. I was happy and in love. I probably will leave but it is hard and painful and you cannot judge until you are in the same situation how you would react. I would have said the same as you for sure before it happened.

My oh is seeking treatment for his problem. I remain ambiguous as to whether I would agree it is an addiction or not but for my own wellbeing I want to try everything I can to see if the relationship can be mended. Again, I suspect it can't but see no reason to rush that decision. I hope that clarifies. I assure you I (and others I have met in this situation) do not think this is ok or still live in the 50s.

The op has my total sympathy because it is unspeakably awful to find out someone you love and trust is not who you thought they were. There is also a lot of shame involved as I am too embarrassed to tell anyone my situation as we seem so normal on the surface. I therefore ask you (even unwittingly) not to ridicule people who don't leave straight away. That is a hard thing to do when you are in shock and your self esteem shattered. I am literally heart broken and just trying to find the way through. You may think it is obvious I should leave and you are probably right but I am working through all that now.

[Jan45]

Well said AF.

[AnyFucker]

In other words, men who do this should be shunned, ostracised and criminalised not shielded and protected by women who would rather keep the superficial facade of a family life than rock the boat.

[AnyFucker]

To be fair, Folkgirl wasn't excusing in any way the mindset of men that use prostitutes. However, I do agree that normalising it is very damaging.

it is not normal and should not form any part of a civilised society, no matter what excuses or justifications are made for it

[kaykayblue]

Folkgirl - your analogy about men seeing this as a service similar to a hair cut or whatever doesn't really support your argument if you think about it.

It shows that these men view women's bodies as objects that can be bought at their convenience, picked up and dropped as they feel like it. Much like you can rent a car or a video. It doesn't occur to them that these women are someone's daughter (as they may well have daughters), or sister, or mother.

They aren't people to these guys, they are just objects.

And liking women too much? That genuinely made me laugh. If they liked women they wouldn't be actively contributing to an industry that - at it's very basis - has to take advantage of women at their weakest and most vulnerable, and ensure that they stay that way.

If they wouldn't like another man to treat their sisters or daughters in the same way, then they shouldn't be doing the same thing to other women.

morethanpotatoprints - well as far as anybody can ever know anything, then yes. I am certain my partner isn't fucking prostitutes. HOWEVER, the point isn't about what someone does about a behaviour when they have no idea it's happening. Of course you can't do anything - you don't know about it! It's what you do when you find out about it.

I agree that there are some circumstances where you genuinely can't know what you would do until it happens to you. But...I don't think this is one of those situations.

I am trying to think of reasons I would stay with my partner if it turned out he had been using prostitutes. The only things I can think of would be:

• If one of my parents was dying I would fake that we were still happy until they had passed on, so they didn't have something to worry about
  
  
• If, by leaving him, one of my family members would be killed (not sure how that would happen, but still)
  
  Look, my point here isn't to try and make the OP feel like shit. All I am saying is that it is unhelpful, and quite frankly dangerous to try and "normalise" situations like this and say that it's understandable to stay in a relationship after something like this has happened.
  
  Because it isn't.
  
  It is 100% the decision of the affected party as to what they do. Of course, and no-one is saying that isn't the case. But let's not kid ourselves. If your daughter was in this situation, would you advise her to stay? Ever?
  
  If it wouldn't be good enough for your daughter, why is it good enough for you?

[AnyFucker]

How removed from human empathy does one have to be to compare buying sex to getting a haircut ?

[Vivacia]

I don't think a lot of them do hate women. I don't think they see it as any different to paying to get your haircut, or have the car washed, or have your ironing done for you.
It's just paying for a service someone else is offering in exchange for money.

It's paying somebody for a service that they are very, very likely offering because they have no choice due to sex trafficking/slavery, poverty and/or addictions. Most people are selling their bodies because they have few or no options with few or no friends. And sex involves more than hair-cutting or ironing. Even if the person is willing and actually gets to keep some of the money they risk physical assault, robbery, STIs, emotional abuse and humiliation.

Knowing this, and doing it anyway, I think makes these men women-haters.

[Jan45]

more: yes I do and my stand point has nothing to do with the OPs situation, I myself as an adult believe a decent man with respect for himself and his woman would not be seeking out prostitutes, end of, deal with it.

[getthefeckouttahere]

I think i meant to add that it made her a shit wife, not a shit mum.

[getthefeckouttahere]

Could i must be a lone voice that says his despicable behaviour does not mean that he is not a great dad. Are we really saying that infidelity renders all parenting as null and void. I simply don't buy that.

My ex lied, cheated, exposed me to sexual health risks, spent our money etc on an EMA for ages. It was horrid disgusting behaviour but it didnt/doesn't stop her being an absolutely fantastic mum to our kids. I find this need to link unrelated behaviours moralistic, judgemental and wrong.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Jan45 and Kay

Do you know that your ohs aren't playing away, or doing this.
It's easy to spout a lot when you aren't in the position the OP is in.
I don't think they hate women neither, they like them a bit too much, that's the problem.

[Jan45]

A decent man with morals and self pride would never pay for sex in the first place.

[ashesgirl]

Maybe finances make it difficult to leave.

[FolkGirl]

I meant as far as men are concerned. That's not my view!