Should I just 'get over' my paertners laziness and lack of support?

[belhamwalk]

my partner and i have been together for 10 years. our relationship was great, until we had a son, 17 months ago. Now I am constantly eaten up by resentment that my partner is essentially lazy with regards to all the work that raising a DS takes.
I've come to the realization that if I could just accept that I have to do 80% of the work involved with our DS then we could be happy. Otherwise I spend all my time hating my partner and wanting to kill him.
We've just come back from a weeks holiday with 4 other couples and my partner spent the whole time drunk and only woke up with DS twice, one of those times I had to spend ages trying to wake him up.
What do you reckon? When he's not being a TOTAL asshole, I like my partner but I am so resentful that he does hardly any of the work involved - feeding, bathing, cleaning, putting to bed, and especially waking up. We both work roughly the same amount, he does work more than me but often away so he doesnt have to do anything to do with DS for a week here or a week there. I have had one night away from DS since he was born.
For example, today is saturday- ive been up with DS since 5:30- it is now 8am and I took DS up to see his father so I could write this, his father was asleep and would have slept for longer. This is my everyday.
Do I just get over it all, suck it up and try and make happy families???

antimatter - no his drinking is a big problem. he can go cold turkey for a while (weeks at a time) so he doesnt reckon he is an alcoholic but when he drinks he gets so drunk to the point of being completely out of it. and he can do that for 10 days in a row, thats not out of the ordinary.

I am in the same boat. I am knackered after spending 4 nights in hospital with my DD and he is having a lie in. On a two week holiday he got up twice, only at my insistence because I was ill.

We got back from hospital Tuesday, he was out Thursday and last night. We have had huge rows about it, about how much he goes out, how little he does at home.

I have concluded that his attitude needs to change, I work full time and he behaves like I am a satm, I wfh but not in the true sense as I have to travel a lot for meetings, he resents that I don't have a commute.

I think you need to get him to counselling, has he any friends who are (good) fathers? (Mine doesn't and I toyed with the idea of getting him to out for a drink with one of my Mummy friends husbands). Fundamentally he needs a shift in attitude.

Tell him that you are seriously having doubts about your relationship. You would get more lie ins if you were apart and he had some overnight access!

It's quite telling that the best you can do when he isn't 'being a total asshole' is 'like him'. Though I can understand your situation and the resentment would make it pretty difficult to respect, love or appreciate him.

I honestly wouldn't consider having a second child with this man and I wouldn't be tolerant of the drinking to excess. Why compromise your happiness and eventually that of your child just to play happy families? Who's happy?

Why on earth would you try for a second when you know it would break you?

You need to try to set aside some emotions and be very brutally honest with yourself about the way life will pan out for you if this continues.

It's not going to get easier. Soon there will be school runs and homework and birthday parties and all sorts of things to organise and take care of. Are you willing to do all of that while your husband does whatever he fancies?

Someday in the future you may, god forbid, fall ill or need caring for. Do you trust him to take care of you, when he can't even be bothered to ask you about a big work trip? When he drinks too much? Will he even be able to take care of your child on his own for an extended period?

There is no earthly reason you should just 'get over it', your partner is being a lazy and selfish ass. It's time for ultimatums, counseling, whatever you can think of, but none of it will work until you yourself stop accepting his behaviour.

Interesting.

To get out - just put a deposit down on another rental and move out.

If you want to give him an ultimatum then do so but you need some tools to manage this.

One suggestion would be to get a white board in the kitchen. Write down all the daily/weekly/monthly tasks on it.

Sit down together and get him to pick a daily task he will do. Then you pick one. Then he picks one. Keep going until all the tasks are allocated.

Then tell him pending being away or ill; you both need to stick to this. It means that you will both get some time away from kid and housework, and it might save your relationship.

Otherwise, put a deposit down on a rental and move out.

Many such men can be plausible to those in the outside world - but they also do not have to live with him and see the disturbing sides of him that you do. Its a good act many such types can maintain to outsiders; it is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges. Actually many emotionally abusive types can be "great" sometimes; its that part that keeps women hanging on in there for years at great cost to themselves. Its an act that he cannot keep up. He sees you as a glorified domestic appliance who also provides sex to him and housekeeper.

You're with a selfish, entitled man with a serious drink problem to boot. Would you think he is alcohol dependent; you do realise that alcoholics also do not have to drink everyday.

What's the situation re the house; you mention its his house as well. Are you named either on the mortgage or title deeds?.

Is this the relationship an ideal role model to show your son, would you want your son as an adult acting in the same selfish and entitled manner as his dad?. You're currently showing your son that this situation is currently acceptable to you.

Your future with this man if you choose to stay is a bleak one, not just for you but for your son as well.

Regarding the housework divide, you might find my thread here interesting.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2133502-Is-my-marriage-in-crisis

Regarding the drinking, and the fact he doesn't seem to actually care about you - those would be deal breakers for me.

I would also read up on co-dependency as this can be a feature as well within such relationships.

I wish we could have worked it out, but at the time he was blind! I was just a nagging wife (who worked fulltime and looked after 2 kids under 4) he sought comfort and understanding from a female friend at work. After he left he had fling with her (she also had 2 DS so they had 4 boys to cope with - ha!!)

He knows he fucked up and has told me he regrets not staying. We'd just built our own house too which we had to sell. We could have worked it out but he wasn't willing to at the time.

I met someone else but that relationship ended last yr, my exH has talked about trying again but I don't love him anymore. I admire him for being honest and admitting he was rubbish. He's a decent man!

And he's bloody super dad now!!

He may not reckon he is an alcoholic. I reckon he is one. Either way he has a definite problem with alcohol and you are bearing the brunt of it. I take it there is no possibility whatsoever of him addressing his problem drinking.

You need to deal from a position of strength when issuing an ultimatum. If he knows you can't leave because you've nowhere to go, your threat has no force and he can (and has) wilfully ignore it.

So you need to sort out how you would move out. The fact you're unmarried and not on the deeds of the house does not work in your favour. However, you are working and so have an income of your own, and would be entitled to support as a single parent.

The irony of course is that if you left you would still have everything to do at home but you will lose that horrendous sense of resentment that comes from supposedly being in a partnership where one partner is actually dead weight pulling you down.

im not going to try for a second, believe me- unless this gets sorted out.

who is happy that breaks up with the father of their child though? he'll probably get some better looking younger girlfriend straight away, i'll be the skint single mum living in a one bedroom flat while our son grows up idolizing his father who is the good time guy while i force him to eat his vegetables. sounds completely shit to me.

he can definitely be emotionally abusive. the second half of the holiday he barely spoke to me in this big group situation. if i asked him a question he would look at one of the other blokes to answer it. becasue he is this 'amazing guy' that is so nice and wonderful and gregarious and funny with everyone I feel like some kind of witch in comparison. yet he is the one who has a real reason to have emotional problems - he was sent to boarding school form the age of 7. he's also on anti depressants. its all coming out now, hey!? I had a happy childhood, and have a supportive family.

You asked if it would have saved things if I had tackled him head on. I really don't know but I do think I 'let him get away' with not doing more and he became lazier and lazier until I was up every morning at 5.30am and he would emerge from the bedroom looking sheepish hours later.

There was me trying to keep the peace while he became entrenched in selfish and lazy behaviour.

We probably would have split up sooner which would have been no bad thing.

Well, yes, but you wouldn't have this resentment as something you are living with every day, and that counts for a lot. You could build up your own career again when DS is in nursery (btw this will make a big difference) and have a nice life on your own, or you might even meet one of the many men who are kind and interesting and not lazy entitled idiots who make an effort with everyone except you.

the alcohol is definitely a factor in alot of this becasue if he has been drinking for days on end (this holiday) he is grumpy and lazy the next day.

"who is happy that breaks up with the father of their child though?"

Well its not ideal at all but you sound completely miserable now and staying with this just prolongs the agonies. I think you in the long run would be happier overall and staying with this man also stops you from meeting someone else. Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable.

"he'll probably get some better looking younger girlfriend straight away,

So what if he does?. That's not your concern. She will encounter the self same problems that you are currently seeing. He may well find another woman even if you are still on the scene. Such selfish and entitled men just want some woman, whom they regard with contempt at heart, simply to look after them and with sex to boot. These types actually dislike women, all of them.

"i'll be the skint single mum living in a one bedroom flat while our son grows up idolizing his father who is the good time guy while i force him to eat his vegetables. sounds completely shit to me"

Not necessarily. You'll be without the deadweight that is your current bloke here for starters. Given what you have written about him I doubt whether this man is going to somehow morph into Disney Dad as well.

I doubt very much that your son when older will at all idolise his father because your son will see how you are being treated by his dad. Children are not stupid. He's perhaps the sort who you would have to chase constantly for child support, I could easily see him pleading poverty. Also you owe it to your son to show him positive role models; not some selfish idiot who drinks too much and treats his so called "partner" with a complete lack of interest and respect. Where's his love and respect for you?.

I was going to use the words "emotionally abusive" to describe him before now but I see you have used those. These types can and do put on a very good act to those in the outside world; it is behind closed doors that his true nature emerges because its an act that cannot be at all sustained.

The emotional abuse is a complete deal breaker and enough reason alone to leave; you need to make plans to leave asap because this will not get any better for you and by turn your son. Abuse such as he shows you is a continuous cycle; they can do nice and nasty and the cycle of abuse (look it up) keeps turning.

Also anti d's and alcohol are a potent mix; he may well be misuing his pills by using alcohol as well to self medicate.

You cannot rescue and or save someone like this man so stop trying. Stop putting him above you. It is NOT your fault he has deeply rooted emotional problems and you were not put on this earth to rescue and or save others from themselves. This is why I mentioned co-dependency earlier on.

If he can realise his drinking is a problem I think your relationship could be saved. A lot of people get that bit older and realise that the hangovers aren't worth the fun times drinking. Then they cut down in drinking and take up jogging or gym. New phase of life. You could suggest this but it needs to be because he wants to.
Re: the housework I think get it all down in a list and divide the jobs equally. It's hard to argue with a practical list.
He also needs to know that if you do split he will have to pay maintenance and look after his DS regularly he can't just go skipping off into the sunset.
Brw I'm a single mum. I earn good money and have every other weekend and lots of holidays free to do my own thing so lots of lie-in's for me. My DS is happy and well-adjusted (whatever that means!).

Argh, while I was writing the following I see you've now said he was emotionally abusive which changes things. But this is what I wanted to post anyway:

You've been really clear with your gripes with us, but are you as clear with him? for example have you actually said...

"DS is 50% yours. That means, now you are a parent, you are expected to do 50% of the parenting", then sit down and make a list together of what that involves.

"You go the extra mile for people, just not me. I wonder why that is..."

"When I went away for work I wasn't even asked about it, yet you take a lot of interest in everyone else's lives. That makes me feel..."

"Your drinking is a problem. It impacts on the family because..."

"I feel like a second child would DEFINITELY break us so unless things change it's not on the cards.

"It's crunch time and this need sorting or we won't last the distance"

In either scenario if you stay with him, or if you leave things may be difficult and unhappy. The difference is that if you stay, that's all they will ever be, unless HE has a major personality change. If you leave, things may be tough for a while but are likely to get better over time. You will get over him and be happier, you may meet someone else who's terrific, your child will not grow up watching a bad relationship unfold, etc. You will control your own destiny and happiness.

I agree, kids aren't stupid. They respond to love and understanding, not just whoever plays with them and buys them stuff.

Emotionally abusive, drinks too much, lazy and selfish -- don't you think you and your child deserve better?

Sounds a lot like my ex, even down to the being sent to boarding school at 7! To be fair to him, now we are apart he is a great dad, really stepped up. But when we were together he was a selfish, immature twat who left me to do 99% of the parenting and shitwork while he got drunk and had an EA ( at least) with his best friends gf!

IMO nothing erodes love like resentment.

He sounds exactly like my XH. I left when DS was 18 months, he never thought I'd go. DS was a massive daddy's boy til he was 3, he's 6.5 now and told me the other day how lazy his dad is!!! He's seen him for who he really is as I absolutely insisted on 2/3 days a week with him, when there is no one else to fall back

You won't ever regret it if you leave I promise you.

*fall back on, they will struggle.

THe thing is that these men hate women. They do not think women are human beings. As far as they are concerned, you exist to serve them domestically, emotionally and sexually. They see themselves as the Person in the family with you and any DC just props to their ego.

You camn't make a relationship like this work. Get legal and financial advice and get rid of the men.

He's a selfish arse and your unhappiness isn't a motivation to change because he doesn't value you. My Ex was a selfish, manipulative arse too, which I never really acknowledged because I was very independent. Parenthood exposed all his selfish, lazy, entitled ways and I can remember that sinking feeling of realising that the relationship and the man I had invested so heavily in, was not worth it. Thank god for DD! I am so in love and protective of her, that the hard part of ending it was made considerably easier because I knew she deserved better. Despite the shit and there was a lot of shit that followed, I never regretted that decision. Personal integrity is very important to me and living in a dysfunctional relationship would have slowly killed my self worth and impaired my ability to raise a girl who knew and valued her worth.

Try counselling if you must but even if the superlatives you described were true (and I hope that this thread has cast them in a more honest light), they can't make up for, or suppress the tide of resentment left unchallenged.