Should I just 'get over' my paertners laziness and lack of support?

[belhamwalk]

my partner and i have been together for 10 years. our relationship was great, until we had a son, 17 months ago. Now I am constantly eaten up by resentment that my partner is essentially lazy with regards to all the work that raising a DS takes.
I've come to the realization that if I could just accept that I have to do 80% of the work involved with our DS then we could be happy. Otherwise I spend all my time hating my partner and wanting to kill him.
We've just come back from a weeks holiday with 4 other couples and my partner spent the whole time drunk and only woke up with DS twice, one of those times I had to spend ages trying to wake him up.
What do you reckon? When he's not being a TOTAL asshole, I like my partner but I am so resentful that he does hardly any of the work involved - feeding, bathing, cleaning, putting to bed, and especially waking up. We both work roughly the same amount, he does work more than me but often away so he doesnt have to do anything to do with DS for a week here or a week there. I have had one night away from DS since he was born.
For example, today is saturday- ive been up with DS since 5:30- it is now 8am and I took DS up to see his father so I could write this, his father was asleep and would have slept for longer. This is my everyday.
Do I just get over it all, suck it up and try and make happy families???

[belhamwalk]

tribpot - i would say it sounds as though he knows he has major issues and as long as he is willing to keep seeing a therapist and address those issues then you need to give him a chance. I would also wonder if he really loved my friend if he couldnt even ask her what she was flying to another city to do. And i sometimes do wonder if he really loves me, maybe he doesnt.

[Charley50]

I agree that he has major issues and needs to willingly address him. His drinking and your lack of a sex life will relate to them. You can give him a chance.
The jobs around the house isn't a therapy issue though and I think you should make lists etc and tell him he has to pull his weight. You'll both respect each other more if things are more equal.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I think he going to counselling is a complete non starter as well because he has previously dangled the carrot i.e. he said he would think about counselling. He has not acted on this and I daresay does not intend ever to do so. He has what he wants and does not want to change anything.

Your home is already broken. Abusive men do nice/nasty very well; its a continuous cycle.

Do you really want this male to be a role model to your child?.

[belhamwalk]

No Atilla - he said yes to us going to counseling together, which we have yet to do (and I will think twice about after people on here saying it maybe wasnt a good idea.)
He has been seeing his own therapist for about 4 years! it's intermittent though, and he hasnt been for a while. But he tries to work through his issues.
I have said before during fights that I'm sick of him being suddenly nice to me (flowers for example) after he has an appointment with the therapist- like it takes him having an appointment and talking about things to appreciate me.

[wyrdyBird]

He knows what it's like to have experienced a lot of pain, but....

He's emotionally abusive to you, you say. He leaves much of the hard work of childcare to you, not noticing if you've had enough, or need a break. He doesn't show any interest if you are flying to another city for work,which is clearly not an everyday occurrence for you. I can't help feeling that this empathy he has, for the down and outs of this world, is a kind of faux empathy :( .....because he isn't showing much sign of empathy in everyday life.

What will you do, belham? See how the therapy goes, perhaps?

[wyrdyBird]

Oh I've just seen he's been going for 4 years... :(

[belhamwalk]

I dont know wyrdyBird, I dont know.
4 years is a long time but in that time he has decided to go on medication which has helped him no end. he needs to keep going!
i think he sees me as 'strong' and so not in need of much empathy.
and i call him out all the time on his BS and nag, im not a stepford wife so he thinks he cops alot of flak.
funnily enough a mutual friend talked to one of the women also on holiday with us and she said over the phone that all the 'wives' were having issues with 'the boys.' because they were all acting like naughty boys, getting drunk and too hungover to wake up with the children. these guys are 38/39/40 ish. Why dont they grow up??

[wotoodoo]

Because you enable them.

[Isetan]

funnily enough a mutual friend talked to one of the women also on holiday with us and she said over the phone that all the 'wives' were having issues with 'the boys.' because they were all acting like naughty boys, getting drunk and too hungover to wake up with the children. these guys are 38/39/40 ish.. Children misbehave and grown arse men are not children. Even jokily referring to them as such, illustrates the 'what are they like?' subconscious acceptance of unacceptable behaviour.

[Isetan]

X posted with wotoodoo, who put it more succinctly that I did.

[belhamwalk]

yeah, i've only got myself to blame, right. Because men aretn responsible for their own actions, only those sanctioned by their partners. Now who's enabling?

[tribpot]

Suggesting you enable is not the same as absolving him/them of blame. If they weren't selfish, lazy pricks they wouldn't take the piss on holiday. But if they were left to look after their children for a fortnight on their own, they wouldn't be able to either. You pick up the slack because someone has to, which reinforces the message which society is sending them loud and clear: when it comes to home and children, it doesn't need to be them.

[Stellarella123]

Sounds a bit like my situation, although we don't have the drink thing, that I would worry about, my dh has not had an easy upbringing either and sometimes I think he is stuck being a 15 yr old boy! I'm like u and don't know whether to just walk away, I'd try counselling, x

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Its still a NO to joint counselling however because its never recommended where there is abuse within the relationship.

If he has indeed been seeing a therapist for 4 years then it could be argued he has made not much if any real progress. You really cannot afford to wait around a few more years for him to have an epiphany re yourself because it won't happen. I would also argue that your relationship was good prior to children because you were able to put him first. You are nowhere near first on his priority list; he is.

Many people as well have rotten childhoods and choose not to behave in such a manner. I think he has basically taken advantage of your good kind nature along with wanting to see the best in everyone. Do you think he feels any proper remorse for how you feel now re him; I doubt it very much because he in his mind comes first, last and always.

I would also suggest you still read up on co-dependency because I think at heart you think you're no good, no-one else would want you and so you have to put up with this. Well I have news for you - you do not have to put up with being and feeling second rate.

You have a choice re this man - your son does not.

[Nanny0gg]

We've just come back from a weeks holiday with 4 other couples and my partner spent the whole time drunk

I can't get past this part.

Why on earth would you even consider having another child with this idiot?

[MexicanSpringtime]

he oscillates between being caring and supportive and kind to me and then being a total shit

Though there is an element in this in most relationships, OP, and I am NOT forming a judgment on yours on so little information, I just want to point out that abusive men are also mostly lovely when they are not being abusive. Only a masochist would get together with a man who wasn't sometimes lovely.

I say this a someone who has just had to warn the neighbours not to let my SIL into the building. They all think he is lovely and a lovely father and look forward to my dd and him getting back together soon.

[wotoodoo]

Bel you make excuse after excuse for your immature manchild. If you make yourself unavailable ie you STOP covering for him he will have NO CHOICE but to pull his weight.

Actually you remind me of 2 dfs who complain endlessly about their ds and dhs who do not get themselves up in good time for school/work, endlessly leave their dirty clothes lying about, forget where they put things and don't ever get their own bags packed or sandwiches made for school/work.

What do these women do? Constantly picking up after their ds and dhs, nagging them, sorting them out, packing for them and running ragged after them.

If you give your sons/husbands no responsibility of course they are going to enjoy the power it brings them to see you catering for their every need.

Let them get on with it! Stop being superwoman, sit down with a glass of wine and allow them to grow up fgs.

My dh and ds are absolutely fab: cooking, cleaning, vacuuming, making cups of tea (for me too) daily, in fact it's called being kind and thoughtful.

Perhaps you should introduce those concepts to your family so that your baby doesn't grow up copying his father in treating you as the skivvy/maid.