Should I just 'get over' my paertners laziness and lack of support?

[belhamwalk]

my partner and i have been together for 10 years. our relationship was great, until we had a son, 17 months ago. Now I am constantly eaten up by resentment that my partner is essentially lazy with regards to all the work that raising a DS takes.
I've come to the realization that if I could just accept that I have to do 80% of the work involved with our DS then we could be happy. Otherwise I spend all my time hating my partner and wanting to kill him.
We've just come back from a weeks holiday with 4 other couples and my partner spent the whole time drunk and only woke up with DS twice, one of those times I had to spend ages trying to wake him up.
What do you reckon? When he's not being a TOTAL asshole, I like my partner but I am so resentful that he does hardly any of the work involved - feeding, bathing, cleaning, putting to bed, and especially waking up. We both work roughly the same amount, he does work more than me but often away so he doesnt have to do anything to do with DS for a week here or a week there. I have had one night away from DS since he was born.
For example, today is saturday- ive been up with DS since 5:30- it is now 8am and I took DS up to see his father so I could write this, his father was asleep and would have slept for longer. This is my everyday.
Do I just get over it all, suck it up and try and make happy families???

[germinal]

belhamwalk I too could have written your posts. Maybe minus the problem drinking and emotional abuse (though my DH does like a drink and can be very cutting at times).

After the birth of dc1 I was constantly seething with resentment. My DH was profoundly unhelpful. He loved dc and loved me but was just useless. F**king useless. And selfish.

Anyway I used to get very upset. Sometimes very shouty .

For some reason the older dc got, the better dh got. We now have 3 dc and though it is not an equal distribution of work in the home, DH is 100% better.

A friend of mine said "it (the uselessness) might drive you crazy but, ultimately the babies will grow up and you will be left with DH. And you love him".

I would caution against leaving someone you love at this early stage. It is a shock to care for a child and men can be so selfish. Give it time. Talk to him about it. Refuse to do certain things "I think you should manage dishes so I am hereby not doing them". That kinda worked for me.

Also I did a spreadsheet showing how much more I did .

[belhamwalk]

germinal - thanks for your post. I guess the truth is I do still love him. the other truth is i dont want to be alone and for my son to be from a broken home.
my partner has a big issue with selfishness, becasue he had to fend for himself from the age of 7 (this is child abuse btw) his formative years were spent making selfishness a survival tool and now it is ingrained.
Maybe becasue of this he 'covers' for his extreme self-interest by being overly kind, outgoing, etc to strangers or friends but to me, his 'wife' he gets to take out his anger at women (ahem.. his mother..abandonment issues..)so in fact HE is resentful of ME on a subconscious level.
I need to put my foot down and start a list of the things i do and the things he does so he can see plainly the division of labour and we need to go to counseling.
Thank you to everyone who posted for your thoughts.
Now im off to take DS to the park while DH goes to get himself a wet shave and a haircut - im not joking. I havent had a haircut for over a year. You couldnt make this stuff up.
xx

[SolidGoldBrass]

Why do you 'love' these wankers? They don't love you - at least they don't percieve you as equal huam beings that they are in a partnership with. They love you like people love their dogs - if you love your dog you make sure it's fed and watered, has a nice place to sleep and gets given treats - but you don't let it into certain rooms, you train it to obey you and 'know it's place'. You love it, but it's only a dog.

[germinal]

That is a bit much solidbrass. Just because belhamwalks dh is selfish does not mean he respects her and treats her like he would a dog.

OP sounds very smart and together. She obviously works in a job where she is respected, she juggles it with the care of a young child. She is smart enough to resent being treated poorly where many women just accept a greater workload.

I think you should give her a break.

[weatherall]

You would both be better off without him.

With some men you only see their true colours once they become fathers.

[EverythingCounts]

So start with that specific thing OP. Book yourself a hair appointment for next weekend and tell your husband he is on DS duty then. Also, tell him you should share lie ins at weekends so does he want Saturday or Sunday? Build up a more equitable arrangement. If you try that and it doesn't work, you know you have a more fundamental problem.

[miniscule]

Belhamwalks, if he's as plausible and 'nice guy' to everyone else then you will not get anywhere with counselling (it's not recommended anyway for emotionally abusive relationships). The likelihood will be that you will end up being told it's as much your problem as his and he will feel vindicated that it's not all him, therefore he will actually do nothing and the pressure will be on you to make all the effort in the relationship.

There is a saying, you cannot clap one handed. That is what being in a relationship with a man like this is like, you will put all the effort in - emotionally and practically - and he will do nothing, apart from blame you when things don't go his way.

Why haven't you had a haircut in over a year btw? What is stopping you just booking an appointment and getting it done? Money, time?

[MexicanSpringtime]

While there is love there is hope. So I'm not saying whether or not you should leave him but...

I was a single mother and I loved doing everything for my baby, but I knew that if I had stayed with her father, his macho ideas that babies are women's work would have made me resent my baby instead of enjoying her.

So it is not really that bad being a single mother. Apart from the love you have for your husband which is a plus, he is sucking the joy of being a mother out of you, which is a definite negative for you and your child.

[Darkesteyes]

Having to do spreadsheets. Really? I agree with Solid. Its bloody ridiculous.


OP miniscule is right. He will probably appear very plausible to the counsellor. And with these Relate counsellors their modus operandi is to keep the couple together no matter what.

And from threads ive seen on here over the years its usually at the expense of the woman.

Some of these counsellors wouldn't recognise or want to recognise an emotional abuser if he came in with it tattooed on his forehead.

[dreamingbohemian]

You need to go to counseling separately.

He needs to work out his abandonment issues and how to be less of a selfish jerk, and you need to find out why you're so afraid of being alone you'll put up with a lazy abusive drunk.

I'm so sorry to be harsh but I am really shocked that you are putting up with this. You are aware that he's taking out his hatred of women on you and you just take that???? That's just crazy.

[Darkesteyes]

Why haven't you had a haircut in over a year. Is his drinking eating up some of the family money.

[Limer]

Belhamwalk, just book yourself into the hairdresser for next Sat and let your DH look after his DS while you're there. Just tell him it's booked, don't ask him whether that's OK for him.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

the other truth is i dont want to be alone and for my son to be from a broken home.

But you are alone and this IS broken. Until you realise that you are just showing your son how to treat women and that's badly. So sad.

[wyrdyBird]

people love him, they think the sun shines out of his ass. he would go the extra mile for you....he will question you about your work/life, ask you about your kids, remember your grannies name.
but he couldnt give a shit why im being flow to scotland for work for the day. its an interesting dichotomy.

This isn't at all unusual in selfish or abusive men. They put a lot of effort into their 'great guy' public persona. This is because they have learned, almost by rote, that people respond well if you act that way, and if they pretend to be interested in people's affairs.

They do it well because it IS an act. They think everyone fakes things like this. The idea that most people have a genuine interest , and actually care about others, would probably make them laugh.

At home, the act drops. Then you see the real, selfish person underneath.
He couldn't care less why you're going to Scotland: and he couldn't care less about anyone's granny either. But only YOU see the reality.

belham, I agree with pp: if you go to counselling, please go separately. He will otherwise try to get the counsellor on his side, against you.

And don't be too clouded by his bad childhood/abandonment issues/anything else, which you might think causes or justifies his poor behaviour. This kind of background issue is commonly used as a lever by selfish and controlling people, or as an excuse by the long suffering partner.

[belhamwalk]

you guys have been great - first of all, im going to book the damn hairdressers. its ridiculous. his drinking hasn't eaten up the family money, and i have money of my own - i guess in a way i play the martyr. otherwise i'd have a hair appointment, tell him its his turn to wake up with DS (which I am doing tomoz btw) etc.. in my role as martyr i have an excuse for his behavior. that im part of it. because if i really put my foot down i'm worried that he wont step up to the plate and that leaves me at the end of the road, so to speak.
finally, wrdybrd - nail on head. nail on head!

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

Just one thing re counselling, if you can find an independent counsellor (not relate) who you trust you may find it helpful.

Even if you decide not to try counselling (for all the good reasons given above) then at least google 'transactional analysis' and the 'parent-adult-child theories'.

Transactional analysis based counselling probably saved my marriage. The parent-adult-child thing really helped dh and I understand the roles we were playing - and it sounds like your dh may have a tendency to play roles too.

Good luck. Enjoy your haircut!!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

An absolute no to any joint counselling; it is never recommended where there is any type of abuse within the relationship. Also such selfish and entitled men often refuse to be counselled anyway as they think they are doing nothing wrong in the first place.

You do not have to play the martyr role any more; what lessons do you think your son is learning about relationships here or will learn from you both particularly as he gets older. You want him to become just like his father?.

[OnesEnough]

Being ignored on your holiday in front of friends, must have been extremely humiliating.

Don't nag (not your fault at all). One warning only, and if no change (there wont be), get a cleaner ASAP and make sure he stumps up the cash.

It won't solve a lot of your problems (the drinking is very worrying), but at least it will take a bit of pressure/resentment away.

[wotoodoo]

Never nag in a irritated voice, he will switch off and only remember being criticised, not for what. It will get you absolutely nowhere

There are other far more effective psychological strategies but you will have to stop enabling him.

Start living as if you are a single mother already. So, sort yourself out and your baby and don't ask him to help you at all. But do not cook, clean or do any laundry or anything for him at all.

Keep very calm and sweet and always pleasant (even if you have to grit your teeth at this stage)

If he asks you why say pleasantly that working full time with a baby is harder than you thought.

Start emailing him real or made up times when he has to look after your baby but if you think he can't be trusted with that, make yourself and the baby unavailable for a weekend or evening or something and give him a list of chores that he needs to do in that time.

You can say that you are worried about post natal depression and possibly give him a leaflet about it (or leave it in a place he will find it).

When you come home, assess what, if any, he has achieved.

If he is truly cold and heartless he won't have bothered to do anything. If he has made an effort, praise him.

Your only hope of getting him to pitch in is by making yourself unavailable.

I would not trust a man who drinks to look after my baby so I would give him.all the cooking and cleaning jobs instead.

Basically treat him as an employee and keep the emotion out of it.

You will soon discover whether you would be better off in your own place.

Good luck!

[Isetan]

wotoodoo it's not the mode of delivery that this arse takes exception with, it's the message. I personally don't think getting into a tit for tat 'I'll won't do this because you don't do that' exchange is a smart strategy, as it will only escalate tensions. This man has made it very clear that he does not care or respect his wife enough to change, his behaviour on holiday is a perfect demonstration.

The OP has to stop asking why he is being a shit and start asking why she puts up with his shit because her responsibility for exposing herself to his crap is hers.

[belhamwalk]

now then. I'm going to upset some people by saying this, not least some mumsnetters that have taken time out to post to me offering advice but I think this thread has strayed a bit too far into a characterization of my partner. he is not so one-sided.. he isnt drunk all the time, i do trust him to look after my son for example.
he's not a total shit basically.
he oscillates between being caring and supportive and kind to me and then being a total shit.
i know that's not funny but it needs to be said.
he's not this one-sided guy and for better or worse he is the father of my child and we have been together for 10 years and we were pretty happy before we had our son!
Then baby comes along, both of us are sleep deprived, the domestic chores seem never ending (and are never ending) and his tendency to be selfish and wrapped up in himself is harder to ignore, and this tendency affects my everyday happiness MUCH more.
I feel like I've learned alot from different posters on this thread - I have read up on co-dependency and for sure can identify some of that behavior within myself.
The fact if the matter is that I dont feel like this is an equal partnership. But at the same time, he's not the world's worst boyfriend and father, he's just a bit selfish and lazy and drinks too much.
On the dark side he is sometimes emotionally abusive to me, of that there is no doubt. But he had a very traumatic childhood. its worse than just boarding school, when you hear the facts of it, it's really really traumatic for a little kid to have had to go through.
In his good moments he's told me he knows he is fucked up and he takes his shit out on me because he is angry at his mother (and father) and he is seeing a therapist (not enough) to try and work through it.
He has always self-medicated, and he uses his past as an excuse as to why he drinks too much. I have told him it's not just that - he also likes to drink. he likes to get drunk, he likes beer, he likes to get pissed. its fun! So there is a self control issue here - i dont blame ALL of the drinking on his 'victim' mentality and see that as an easy 'excuse.'
I like to drink too but have a healthy, normal attitude to it. Like, i'll have a few drinks and go to bed.he'll just keep on drinking once he gets started. again, self-medication or just really really likes to drink? in a way its easier to hide behind 'self medication,' no?
You can ask people who've known him for 20+ years, and he has a close yet big group of friends from university - they think he is a LOVELY guy who would do anything for them. Many of his friends would do anything for him. He has alot of empathy for the down and outs of this world. He says its becasue he knows what its like to have experienced alot of pain.
I havent mentioned this becasue I'm deeply embarrassed about it but we hardly ever have sex. for the first 2 years of our relationship, totally normal sex life then it went downhill and has been terrible ever since. all on his side. he's not interested. which over the years has left me feeling totally unsexy and unattractive. which im quite angry about.
Im not perfect either, i feel like in the first 6 months of DS's life I was a bit of a psycho bitch which my partner bore the brunt of without too much comment. I've thought before that maybe he has built up alot of resentment towards me becasue of that. he is sensitive to criticism, its not water off a ducks back to him. I'm sensitive too but get over stuff much more easily. I dont forget but I move on.
I'm trying to paint a more broad picture becasue I feel like some of the responses are based on him being a TOTAL shit and a complete drunk and that is much too simple.

[belhamwalk]

I had a lie-in this morning btw!(I had to ask for it obviously.)

[tribpot]

I appreciate that your post above is an attempt to defend him, belhamwalk, but try to read it back as if a friend were describing her partner to you. What would you say?

His childhood might lie at the root of his problems but he chooses his own actions now. And so must you.

Did you tell him to get up with ds today? Did he?

[tribpot]

Sorry, cross-posted with you. I'm glad you got the lie-in.

[whatnownora]

Snap we could play bingo with this thread, not much help but I finally got so pissed off I screamed/shouted an ultimatum in the garden the other day at DH either pull your weight or piss off I'm not going to carry you any more

The other side of the argument is that some people have terrible examples of family life and so don't know how to approach it its worth bearing in mind before you pack his bags