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Is my marriage in crisis?

(335 Posts)
ChaChaChaChanges Tue 15-Jul-14 12:00:53

I am married, we have children together, and I am currently in turmoil. I suspect I am being ridiculous.

DH and I have been together for almost ten years. We met when I was married to someone else (he was single at the time). We had an affair, and I left my first husband for now DH.

I fell unexpectedly pregnant 7 years ago. There was never any question that we would keep our baby. However, I developed suicidal PND, which I didn't seek help for. (DH and I both thought that everyone gets the baby blues, and DH in particular was very keen not to cause worry for our families by seeking help or telling anyone about it.)

After 18 months my PND improved and we conceived our second DC (planned). Sadly, I again got suicidal PND. This time I insisted on seeking help, and was on ADs for 2 years. I came off the ADs in Summer 2012. I wonder if I am getting depressed again.

Since DC2 was born, I have felt that I love DH but am no longer in love with DH. I have had to make myself have sex with DH, and have not enjoyed it 'once I was into it'. I haven't hated it either, but I got no pleasure from it. I would prefer not to.

I thought that that was enough. That we could effectively parent together, live together, make a life together as best friends. However, over time I have found that we have less and less in common, and some of the things he does are making me very resentful (leaving the bulk of housework to me despite us both working FT; putting his career ahead of mine; various bodily things like scratching himself and picking his nose in front of me that turn my stomach; he's a wind up merchant, generally at my expense; even his crappy jokes irritate me now).

To give him credit where it's due, he is at heart a kind, decent man. He loves me very much (he says). He tries to make me happy. He takes on equal child-caring responsibilities at the weekend (I do the vast majority during the week because he's at work; I get up at 4 each morning to get work done before the children wake because I simply can't get all my work done in core hours whereas he can work as late as he wants), he does the garden, he loves our children very much, he lets me have a bath each weekend evening while he does bedtime, he cooks the dinner most evenings when he's home (sometimes he has dinner with clients or colleagues).

I recently met someone. He has no interest in me whatsoever - the feelings are entirely on my side (I have a thread in Chat about it if anyone wants to look). However, it has thrown the issues in my marriage into sharp relief.

I don't know what to do. Do I muddle on with DH, keeping the family together? It would be largely for his benefit and for the children. Do I push again for marriage counselling (which DH has in the past refused)? Do I tell him I'm unhappy?

Any advice would be most appreciated.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 15-Jul-14 13:08:07

So you lost interest in your first marriage and the solution was 'OM' DH and now history is repeating itself, even if the OM this time isn't reciprocating. hmm With respect, it sounds to me as though you have a big romantic streak and are too willing to get swept along in a fantasy rather than deal with the reality.

If you're unhappy in the relationship, of course you tell him. But know what you want to happen next before you do that, otherwise you'll get nowhere. If you want it to end, end it. If you want to make it work, push for the marriage counselling. Anticipate what will happen if you push for the counselling and he says no again.

ChaChaChaChanges Tue 15-Jul-14 13:25:22

Yes, that's an entirely fair summary.

ChaChaChaChanges Tue 15-Jul-14 13:25:48

I am not a very nice person, I think.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 15-Jul-14 13:27:38

Self-reproach is not particularly helpful I find. It's never too late to do the right thing.

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals Tue 15-Jul-14 13:36:41

If you're concerned about depression then speak to your Dr or seek out councelling.

If you're no longer wanting a relationship with your husband and have weighed up the pros and cons about divorcing him, then seperate.

Do not have an affair. If you look hard enough you'll find someone willing to have one with you but just imagine the look on your husband's and children's faces if they found it out.

If you want to save your marriage then change the things that you are able to change. Plan romantic evenings, whatever floats your boat. Young children do have a habit of making your relationship somewhat functional but I would hope that DH would be willing to try and put his energies into our relationship rather than finding a new one if he was bored.

ChaChaChaChanges Tue 15-Jul-14 13:39:41

I am absolutely, definitely, 100% certainly not going to have an affair.

loopylady83 Tue 15-Jul-14 13:40:13

are you me? im in the same situation as you, I think I must get bored or something :/

Viviennemary Tue 15-Jul-14 13:40:40

I agree with changing the things you can change and then take it from there. I know getting a cleaner isn't the answer to all the world's problems but if you feel housework is an issue it would be worth considering if you can afford it. Both working full time is tiring and a lot of people's lives are quite mundane day to day.

OneDreamOnly Tue 15-Jul-14 13:42:51

A few things to think about
- GP if you suspect you are still depressed
- a better balance in your relationship, eg why in earth are you getting up at 4.00am! You must be knackered. And why is the bulk of housework on your shoulders?
- have couple councelling or councelling on your own to try and make sense of your feelings.

But I think not big error was tho force yourself to have sex with yor h even though you fodntvtely want to. There isn't a Byers way to kill a relationship (I know I've done it sad)

Bogeyface Tue 15-Jul-14 13:44:26

Say it simply.

"You refuse to attend counselling and leave the vast majority of housework to me. I have to get up stupidly early in order to be able to work, you dont even consider this. My career is just as important as yours but you dont consider that either. Something has to change or our marriage will be over, so I want you to attend counselling with me. If you wont then I will go alone but I will take it that you dont want to save our marriage and will make my plans accordingly"

I sense that in the past you have moaned about this to him but not really followed through, so he has no reason to change. You wanted to go to counselling, he refused so.....nothing happened. No come back.

OneDreamOnly Tue 15-Jul-14 13:44:39

Arrrg auto correct!
Last paragraph should be:

Your biggest error was to have sex with him even though you didn't want to. There is no better way to kill a relationship sad

Bogeyface Tue 15-Jul-14 13:46:05

And your sex life may well recover when you are feeling less resentful.

When will men realise that foreplay doesnt start in the bedroom?!

TheFairiesAreBack Tue 15-Jul-14 13:51:55

He's not an OM. Is this the man you sent a text to when drunk who fobbed you off?

I think you should talk to your husband about counselling. Once you have done that then depending on his response, depending on the counselling if you do it, THEN you can make a decision about what to do.

ChaChaChaChanges Tue 15-Jul-14 14:10:31

Yes, the drunken text man. I was advised to come to Relationships to talk about my marriage, as the consensus on my Chat thread was that he is a red herring.

I wish, more than anything, that I could want to have sex with DH. But the thought is so unappealing at the moment.

He's cross with me today - we're on holiday, but I have to work today to clear up all the things that didn't get done before we came away. He's giving me the stink eye. Honestly, it's not as if I'm choosing to work today, I'd rather not be working today, I'm doing stuff that I absolutely have to do.

We have a cleaner. It's the day-to-day stuff of keeping a house running. DH thinks that it can all wait. I'm not sure when to - if I don't keep on top of it then it all goes to hell in a handcart. Either that or not do it at all, but none of it is optional, TBH - it's washing, drying, loading and unloading the dishwasher, putting out the bins, cleaning the cat litter tray.

My day is scheduled to literally the nearest minute. I have no spare time at all. Hence getting up at 4 every morning. As an aside, that's what he wanted me to do this holiday, instead of setting aside a whole day to work. But I'm just so tired of getting up before the sun.

It makes me furious when he stops me in the middle of a chore because he wants a hug or a kiss. I just find it so rude and thoughtless. Why can't he just help me with that chore rather than interrupt me? Don't get me wrong, he's not a groper, and he never pressures me into sex, but I just don't want to be touched by anyone other than the children (when I'm sober and therefore not fantasising about drunken text man).

What I really want is to be left alone. I long for silence.

Beautifulmonster Tue 15-Jul-14 14:34:58

It sounds unusual to be up at 4am every day to get everything done, especially as you have a cleaner. Is there more to it eg OCD? Or related to your depression?

In your last post, the way you are describing the chores and everything you have to do and not having a spare second sounds a bit manic. Take care.

There may be more to it than just being fed up with your husband.

ChaChaChaChanges Tue 15-Jul-14 14:56:54

I don't think it's OCD. It's not polishing the taps or dusting the skirting board - I'd agree that life's too short for that sort of stuff. It's not even hoovering or sweeping.

It's keeping on top of the washing. It's making sure that DC1's homework & reading are done. It's cleaning out the cat litter tray so that the cat doesn't wee in the dining room. It's loading and unloading the dishwasher. I regard all of that stuff as essential rather than nice-to-have.

I'd be genuinely interested to know whether people do think that some of that can be 'let go'. I can't see how. if I don't wash the children's clothes on Tuesday then I'll just had two loads to do on Wednesday.

I work in a high powered, highly demanding career. I'm contracted to work 7 hours per day, but the reality is that the job needs more than that. I leave the house at 8 and get back at 6, but some of that is dead commuting time. I have to work either before the children wake or after then go to bed, and I'm by nature a morning person - always have been.

DH gets both lie-ins at the weekend because he is not a morning person. I've tried to kick him out of bed to look after the children while I doze, but he takes so much waking that I'm thoroughly awake too by the time he stirs, which makes it all pointless.

Stripyhoglets Tue 15-Jul-14 15:04:28

I am not suprised that you feel rubbish if you are getting up at 4am everyday, lack of sleep is linked to depression. You really need to sleep properly and look after yourself a bit. It's not fair that he expects you to do everything when you work full time so I suggest you get this spelt out to him and that you also try and tackle the work load. I work part time, I have been given a more than full time work load but I don't catch up at home as it's my workload that's impossible, not the way I work. Can you sort things out at work as well.
If he won't go to counselling, try and help more in the week etc etc then you have to decide if you want to stay. I think it's fair enough to spell out to him that his lack of help in the week isn't helping your romantic feelings towards him.

You leave the house at 8am but get up at 4am.
So you do 4 hours of house work and getting kids ready before you leave for work?
The dishwasher takes about 10 mins to unload. Washing takes 2 minutes to load. 30 minute wash then put into tumble dryer.
I honestly don't see where you can make 4 hours go?
Yes you have to get ready.
So put a wash on. Unload dishwasher and reload. Get your shower. Get washing into tumble dryer.
Get kids up and dressed and fed and then get yourself ready.
4 hours!!! That's just not right! (mind you, I have no idea how long a cat litter tray takes to sort out but can't imagine it taking an hour)
I can do a lot of that in 1 hour.
And it would take a lot less time if you DH was helping.
What time does he leave for work?
What does he do in the mornings to get your kids and house ready?

whatdoesittake48 Tue 15-Jul-14 15:34:24

I often get up early because I crave peace and quiet. It is simply the chance to be alone. Perhaps that is your reason too. It isnt so much the housework but the peace. Your excuse is the house. You need to find time alone doing things for you. Use your morning time to go for a walk.

Noneedtoworryatall Tue 15-Jul-14 16:24:19

So, leopards never really change their spots.

OneDreamOnly Tue 15-Jul-14 16:44:44

OP you just sound utterly exhausted. And exhaustion kill your libido. It also makes you take more time to do simple things. It makes you want to crawl into a hole.

Especially when you are the one to go it all and your sitter sort breezes through wo even realising how hard it is.
Done that and had the Tshirt too.

What I have done is to stop doing dome if the things that I have been told can wait. And then I waited until something g happened. It might be that he has to shirt for work, no clean plates for the meal. Whatever. And then I examine to DH that well he had said again and again that it could wait so I've followed his advise and left it!
Then I told him that actually I couldn't do it anymore. I was exhausted from waking up at 4.00am so X chore was now his to deal with. Washing the clothes and ironing was one if those for me. I stopped doing it or even looking if by any chance it needed doing. DH had to step up because otherwise there would have been no clean clothes for anyone in the house, him including.
It worked. It made him realise how much I was doing. I got some rest and then a better balance in the HW etc

Would that be worth trying?

BranchingOut Tue 15-Jul-14 17:39:01

Isn't if the paid work that the OP is doing in the morning?

ChaChaChaChanges Tue 15-Jul-14 18:13:34

2 hours of paid work.

30 mins of housework (cat, unload dishwasher, sort and put away dry washing, put on next wash, put that wash in tume dryer/on line, diary for nanny, once a week doing the bins, once a week getting ready for cleaner, waking DH, running his bath)

1 hour 20 mins supervising the children (getting them dressed, making their beds, stripping, washing and drying DC2's wet bedding from leaky nappies, making breakfast, supervising breakfast, checking homework, etc)

10 mins to get dressed myself.

During this time, DH is having his bath and getting dressed.

Then out the house 8-6. 3 hours of commute, 7 hours to work.

Then supervising the children again - hand over from nanny, doing our chores like paying bills, correspondence, etc while the DCs watch TV or play in the garden (fight), bath, milk, change into PJs, bedtime for DC2, bedtime for DC1. DC1 is generally in bed by 8. If DH is home (3 nights in 5) he'll cook dinner; otherwise I cook.

I'm generally in bed before 10. DH stays up watching TV until around 11.

I'm sick of having to do all the thinking. What's for dinner, the shopping list, vet appointments, letters to the teacher, homework, birthday parties....

OneDreamOnly Tue 15-Jul-14 18:32:39

OP you really need to think about the division oh HW/parenting in your house. Mi mean why is it that your DH doesn't help with the kids in the morning?
Why can't he empty the dudes she in the morning or at night?
Why is it that you are back in time for the dcs but then end up having to do some work at 4.00am but he just finishes when it's suitable for him??
You are trying to do it all and it isn't working. I would suggest a week away and him having to deal with the nanny, the washing etc.

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