at wit's end-- how do I leave this situation?

[aSlightlyDifferentName]

I've posted before at great length about my EA and VA husband, married 24 years or so, 2 kids uni age. I'm past the point of needing to leave him, I just cannot figure out how to do it. I've spoken to WA on many occassions, got a solicitor lined up, have spoken about safety plans, I've been seeing a DV counsellor for many weeks, but still cannot figure out what I'm supposed to do. I know it has to be my decision to leave, but as much as I want to I seem to be stuck in a treacle situation and cannot make a move.

I'm ashamed of my behaviour. I bit him this morning. I would have done worse. I've never been violent and he isn't specifically violent towards me although he's abusive in other ways.

The short story (there is a long story as well) this morning I woke up early so decided to go to the gym before leaving for work. He objected to this for various reasons but I went anyway and he SAID I could go. Got home 30 mins later to a barrage of abuse... including that I should have stayed in bed 'and sucked his cck' (sorry for the foul language but that IS what he said) then he went through a list of all my faults, ie I am not supportive of him... and I don't 'fck'. Then he said I needed to get a book about 'how to be a wife', as I obviously have no clue how to keep a man happy.

I told him... 'yes, I agree, I cannot be the wife you want' ... there were a few more words, ie me stating nicely that I would offer to leave the premises if he thinks I'm not living up to my job description as 'wife' ... then, (I think sensing I was about to announce I was leaving him) he came over and hugged me and I had such a vile feeling that I bit him. Fairly hard (he didn't seem to notice though) on the shoulder. I could have done more damage. I immdiately stopped, pulled away but the feeling of teeth on flesh (through shirt) has stayed with me all day. I know this is not healthy behaviour... I know I am perhaps at my wits end. Called solicitor, no real advice other than he'll do a letter for me which we can post/send with papers when I'm ready, my question is: what should I do, should I leave NOW or should I make HIM leave? There's a stupid complication in that we have guests coming later this week and he's made me promise to help with them, I know myself and I know I won't leave them in the lurch. He 'sprung' the guest thing on me a couple of weeks ago, I wouldn't have agreed. I'm upset about that already as these are labour-intensive guests who require a lot of looking after and he's expecting me to take time off of work which I haven't agreed.

I feel I need to do something. It's not going to happen otherwise as he's clearly too invested in making me 'pay' for all my faults that he won't go of his own accord. Also I'm scared of tipping him over into violence. So I can carefully lay the groundwork over the next few days and be out when guests leave. Or I can tell him I will come in to help with guests on a daily basis but basically move out, to a hotel or similar. Would be weird perhaps. Or I can leave him in the lurch with guests but I'm such a pushover I know I won't.

So that's my question, how do you leave an abusive relationship when you're at wits end, literally, how do you go? I can't get my head around going to a hotel, although I've been thinking about it all day. Should I ask him to leave (there's another place he could go) on the basis that I'm worried that I will be violent towards him? I suppose I could turn myself in to the police?! Or I could go to the other place (a weekend house we own) and see if he follows me, and if he follows me, come back to the (main) house?! how do you 'declare' a separation?

I might be better off keeping quiet and waiting until after the weekend. Sorry if this is a bit of a jumble. Just been thinking that I've turned a corner, in a way, and my violent act (I really felt rage) should provoke the action I need to take. He's always saying that I am 'mental' ... I don't think I am, I've laughed it off in the past but I had a terrifying vision that perhaps this could come true.

Do you have funds to rent a new place? Start looking around.

If you have another house you could go to, why on earth don't you just go? And once you're there, have the locks changed. Spend a few days preparing eg by taking clothing, bank details, birth certificate, passport etc to a trusted friend/hide at work/whatever and just go.
Do you have a bank account of your own with money or wages that will enable you to manage financially?

It sounds simple - because it is when it comes down to it. You could wait until violence has happened but, frankly, you might not be in a state where you can leave independently afterwards.
If your circumstances are known to the police I would let them know, so they are primed in case he goes looking for revenge but seriously, just go.

Do you have any money of your own to rent somewhere? That way, you don't need to announce that you're leaving, you can just pack your bags and go. If you're feeling generous you could leave him a note so he doesn't call the police to report you missing.

It is very hard to take the first step but really you will be soo much happier when you take it. I speak as one who knows, though I fortunately didn't waste so many years of my life as you have, you still have a lot of years left to enjoy and be treated with respect.

Just go. This will not end well. The guests do not need to be witnesses to this terrible situation.

You can just pack up and leave.

Make sure you take money from any joint accounts.

And get legal advice, again if necessary.

It sounds to me that you are afraid of leaving and are going round in circles in your head.
You need to really decide to leave and it will become clear in your head.

Unless the guests are senior royalty, surely the sane thing is to tell them they can't come, and why. What are you doing, trying to keep up appearances? If so, why?

I think you should leave as soon as possible! Go and stay in a hotel & get the solicitor to issue the letters & get things moving! I think I recognise you from earlier threads & you are going round in circles! Think about your daughter & how she is feeling & try to gather your strength! All this will I won't I is tying you up in knots & dragging you down even further!

Thanks... I am going around in circles, have been hoping (?) he'd leave and make it easy for me well we are here together but I know I have to do it.

It's somewhat heartening to hear that just leaving is an option! I'm a bit fed up with counsellor who is totally doing the right thing but insists on answering every question I ask with 'what do you think?' I have no thoughts, my brain is scrambled. When I think about the guests coming I get in a total muddle.

He won't make it easy...they never do. :( So find a place of safety, such as a refuge place if it's been offered, and get yourself away. I'm guessing WA have given advice about making the break, and following through?

Forget the guests. They can take care of themselves. He can tell them a sob story and deal with it in his own way. Don't leave half heartedly and offer to see to the guests from a hotel base - that will leave you very vulnerable and open to manipulation.

If you can't bear to let your guests fend for themselves, decide to leave when they've gone. And stick to it. How does that sound?

I do sympathise with the slightly circular experience you're having with the counsellor. You can end up more stressed rather than less, sometimes.

Sod the guests! Seriously, just go, and he can contact them and tell them any excuse he wants - NOT YOUR PROBLEM! If you're worried he'll follow you to your weekend home, then book a hotel in any city you fancy, and off you go. Enjoy your freedom. Scary, isn't it? But you will cope.

There will always be a reason not to leave if you want it to be there.

When you truly decide you do want out, you will and will just take whatever happens and deal with it.

From someone who did just that.

Presumbaly your guests are adults and will be able to find a teacup if you are not there to do everything for them.

To leave: esp if you have somewhere to go...

Go upstairs, pack some clothes, toothbrush, anything else you want. Go downstairs and pack your passport and other stuff you need [driving licence, bank stuff, phone, charger, laptop etc]. Get in car/call a cab. Walk out door and go.

You can leave the rest until later.

Leave. Just leave. Never go back.

He sprang the guests on you. They are not your responsibility. Tough tits if he feels you let him down. Who cares?

Just that. Whatever he thinks, wants or needs, you don't care. He and they are not your problem.

God, he sounds horrific.

Just go.

Think about this rationally. Picture yourself 5 years from now. Do you want to be in the position where you're still with him because you had guests coming???

This man has no respect for you OP. None whatsoever. You're not safe with him and you don't have to live like this. And you're starting to realise this for yourself - good for you.

You really do need to leave but do it when you're ready. You don't owe these guests anything but if you want to see their visit through, use the weekend to gather your things and prepare to make an exit as soon as they have left. Please be extra vigilant when you do leave - he may well turn furious when he realises you are not under his control any longer. I would suggest leaving a note or sending a text after you have left and are safe- from then on, only communicate through solicitor.

Good luck OP - life is about to get a whole lot better for you

get a friend to help you pack and move?
you know this has reached the point of no return now.
enjoy the rest of your life

Wait - so your husband sprung a bunch of guests coming over on you, which you haven't even agreed to take time off work for yet, and you are using that as an excuse to delay leaving????

Why do you feel responsible for your husband's actions? He is the one who invited them, so he can look after them. If he decides not to do that and they have a shit time, that's really not your problem or fault.

My advice would be to just leave. Pack your things and go (you don't have kids do you?). Send a message to your husband telling him that you have left him and from now on, to only contact you through your solicitor.

Get a pay as you go sim and use that in your phone so you don't have to deal with his barrage of texts. But keep the sim card, as he will probably send you messages that will work against him later on.

But the sooner you leave, the more notice the guests will have to not come, or to make alternative arrangements. So do go sooner than later.

And please don't stay another few days just for the guests. It will torture you having to put on a happy face. And don't leave but "come back" to help out with the guests!! Firstly, that is SUPER awkward for the guests, secondly it gives your husband a chance to hurt you and thirdly...your husband is a grown man! He can do it himself for god's sake. He must have entertained people before you guys got together. He knows how to do it.

And by the way, your husband sounds like an absolute piece of shit.

Also, obviously it was wrong to bite him - you said he didn't seem to notice, so clearly it didn't hurt him, but that was still hugely wrong of you. Just leave now, for your own sake as well. Don't end up one of those women who mentally snaps after years and years of abuse and ends up stabbing their husband 37 times or whatever.

You are not mental. You are paralysed by fear, the unknown and this is the result of years of abuse. All of which you know.

You don't need to have him validate your plan to leave.
You don't need his permission.
You don't need to tell him.
He doesn't need to agree.

You can leave when and how you like.

I'm sorry you've been suffering, and for so long.

Others have given sound advice.

Pack some things that you need - clothes, technology, passport, savings books, etc

Take whatever money you need or can get access to

Leave before the guests arrive. Do not come back. Your husband organised the visit and he can bloody well explain and take care of them.

It feels hard because he has undermined your autonomy and decision making for decades. You'll feel much better once you're out and under your own steam.

Honest.

Another cr@p day. He was already angry when he woke up this morning for essentially the same reasons as yesterday-- I am not 'affectionate' enough to him. I just left and went to work, got phone calls later about how I'd left him with no food... there was no bread and I got a long message about how I prioritized going to yoga over cleaning the house/shopping for food.

Basically last night I went home, went to yoga class then we watched TV and ate dinner (bought/made by me after a day at work) trying to pretend everything normal when it clearly isn't. Or actually it is-- a dysfunctional atmosphere is normal for us.

He insisted last week I make a GP appointment to discuss my 'rage'-- it was today. Of course when I explained all to GP she agreed pills/etc not needed... removing the source would be the best approach.

No response yet from solicitor-- I really need advice. Everyone in real life is telling me just to go, echoing the advice here. But. I'm in London and flats/rooms are hard to come by and expensive. I want the option of keeping my job (it's temporary contract but I've been here almost a year and they keep renewing) as I could (and should) probably get another more permanent one but for now it's a known quantity, plus I'm involved in some projects that I really should see through. Also I have a cat and a dog and a DS who needs a place to stay (he's got a brilliant job lined up for september and easier if he lives at home just for now so he doesn't have the pressure of having to find a place. Plus there is space here). So I've come up with a plan: I stay here, H stays in other place. If H wants to come here, I go to other place, I can commute from there. Two separate abodes for two separate people. He/we can specify dates in advance.

Does this sound workable? It will mean that we'll have to be in contact. But it's been a major thinking-shift for me, as the thought of shelling out loads for a sub-standard room or a long stay at a hotel scares me as it makes my salary seem very meagre indeed. I suppose the London place will have to go on the market. But a relief to be thinking in specifics here. I guess I can run this past the solicitor for a reality check??

PS thanks so much for all your responses. It's meant so much to me to get some advice and insight from those who've been there and can see things rationally. I'm feeling so much more positive today empowered might be the word. I've also felt very sad because it really does feel over to me. GP picked up on me citing example after example of what he's done and what I've done in response, having it pointed out to me as being two people in conflict, rather than (as I see it) him 'sending' conlicts at me made me feel somewhat ashamed at myself, I see it as ALL HIS FAULT whereas a bystander sees that I play a part in this as well. Nevertheless.. he is a classic abuser from what I have learned, it is all his fault truly but it's my fault if I recognize this and refuse to do anything about it. Ouch.

Still not sure what to do about the guests. But am going to state my terms to him, before or after their visit. Prefereably before so I dont lose momentum

It sounds like a good plan, but I bet he won't agree to it.

So, you need to be ready to go legal and get a residency order or something. If your solicitor is not helpful, change solicitors.

Worst case, move to the other house and change locks.