at wit's end-- how do I leave this situation?

[aSlightlyDifferentName]

I've posted before at great length about my EA and VA husband, married 24 years or so, 2 kids uni age. I'm past the point of needing to leave him, I just cannot figure out how to do it. I've spoken to WA on many occassions, got a solicitor lined up, have spoken about safety plans, I've been seeing a DV counsellor for many weeks, but still cannot figure out what I'm supposed to do. I know it has to be my decision to leave, but as much as I want to I seem to be stuck in a treacle situation and cannot make a move.

I'm ashamed of my behaviour. I bit him this morning. I would have done worse. I've never been violent and he isn't specifically violent towards me although he's abusive in other ways.

The short story (there is a long story as well) this morning I woke up early so decided to go to the gym before leaving for work. He objected to this for various reasons but I went anyway and he SAID I could go. Got home 30 mins later to a barrage of abuse... including that I should have stayed in bed 'and sucked his cck' (sorry for the foul language but that IS what he said) then he went through a list of all my faults, ie I am not supportive of him... and I don't 'fck'. Then he said I needed to get a book about 'how to be a wife', as I obviously have no clue how to keep a man happy.

I told him... 'yes, I agree, I cannot be the wife you want' ... there were a few more words, ie me stating nicely that I would offer to leave the premises if he thinks I'm not living up to my job description as 'wife' ... then, (I think sensing I was about to announce I was leaving him) he came over and hugged me and I had such a vile feeling that I bit him. Fairly hard (he didn't seem to notice though) on the shoulder. I could have done more damage. I immdiately stopped, pulled away but the feeling of teeth on flesh (through shirt) has stayed with me all day. I know this is not healthy behaviour... I know I am perhaps at my wits end. Called solicitor, no real advice other than he'll do a letter for me which we can post/send with papers when I'm ready, my question is: what should I do, should I leave NOW or should I make HIM leave? There's a stupid complication in that we have guests coming later this week and he's made me promise to help with them, I know myself and I know I won't leave them in the lurch. He 'sprung' the guest thing on me a couple of weeks ago, I wouldn't have agreed. I'm upset about that already as these are labour-intensive guests who require a lot of looking after and he's expecting me to take time off of work which I haven't agreed.

I feel I need to do something. It's not going to happen otherwise as he's clearly too invested in making me 'pay' for all my faults that he won't go of his own accord. Also I'm scared of tipping him over into violence. So I can carefully lay the groundwork over the next few days and be out when guests leave. Or I can tell him I will come in to help with guests on a daily basis but basically move out, to a hotel or similar. Would be weird perhaps. Or I can leave him in the lurch with guests but I'm such a pushover I know I won't.

So that's my question, how do you leave an abusive relationship when you're at wits end, literally, how do you go? I can't get my head around going to a hotel, although I've been thinking about it all day. Should I ask him to leave (there's another place he could go) on the basis that I'm worried that I will be violent towards him? I suppose I could turn myself in to the police?! Or I could go to the other place (a weekend house we own) and see if he follows me, and if he follows me, come back to the (main) house?! how do you 'declare' a separation?

I might be better off keeping quiet and waiting until after the weekend. Sorry if this is a bit of a jumble. Just been thinking that I've turned a corner, in a way, and my violent act (I really felt rage) should provoke the action I need to take. He's always saying that I am 'mental' ... I don't think I am, I've laughed it off in the past but I had a terrifying vision that perhaps this could come true.

'I was going to say I'd have a lower standard of living but actually sadly even though we've got enough money we don't actually enjoy anything right now'

See, you're much more on top of this than you realise. I hear you about the possible financial worries and I know that they are real. Money is important. But having your own space, peace and quiet, coming and going as you choose, not having to answer to any other bugger - all that stuff is pure gold. You will absolutely revel in having your life back, I promise you. So while materially your standard of living might change for the worse, your overall standard of living will skyrocket.

And good call on the holiday by the way. It sounds like he only cares about things looking 'right' on the surface - guests coming to stay, off on holiday together, all sounds lovely. But if what's between you is rotten, then what the jeff sort of holiday is that?!

Get away from the madness OP and enjoy every single second of peace and quiet you get. You deserve it.

he just hadn't taken in, or chose not to believe, the fact that I had left the premises.

You know how babies don't understand that an object they can't see is still there? What age do they grow out of that - 9 months or so? You would think H might have developed beyond that, wouldn't you.

it did go on for ages according to her

If the definition of insanity is persisting with the same behaviour, but expecting different results ... Sounds like he thought that if he called you enough, you'd re-materialise

I got nasty phone calls afterwards

When he realised he'd made a prat of himself by being mentally nine months old. So it was your fault.

Going to work is fun compared to spending a day with him.

Oh, I recognise that! People kept asking me if I was avoiding H, as I did so much unpaid overtime!

Slightly - i may have been confused earlier about who is/was going to be at what house ... actually i still am. Has he gone, did you say? On what basis?

In any case, i think he is at best an unhinged and somewhat creepy abuser of your life; at worst a budding psycho. Hard to tell but the main thing is that you are most eloquently miserable!

Have your life back, dear lady ... it's yours, really it is. Stop over-thinking and take action.

OK. It's been over a week and nothing has changed. Needless to say I entertained guests... not to make excuses as it was totally my choice (well sort of as I hadn't chosen to be put into the position of having to choose IYSWIM), there were children involved and I didn't want them to have a bad holiday... but I forgoed (sp?) a few days of work, curtailed my hours, etc etc, really bent over backwards to make sure everything went smoothly and luckily it did. But. H has of course I think taken this as a sign that all is 'back to normal', as I/we really put on a good show of solidarity for guests, who are relatives of H. DD even came out for a day, as did DS so all boxes were ticked.

This morning he bellowed out my name again and expected me to have sex with him. Apologies if TMI. I said no, he started going on AGAIN and AGAIN about how he's not had a holiday, and that I should have sat on the sofa with him last night and chosen a holiday (for him) rather than going to the gym. BTW I went to the gym for 1/2 hour, also cooked him dinner, cleared up house which he said was messy-- I had been of course in the other house entertaining guests for the past week. This was also after I worked all day. So this morning I left for work in a panic/shaking with anger etc. He sent me a nasty text again... I replied that I no longer want to be married to him, that it's too much hard work.

Now what??

He called earlier blaming me for sending him into a 'black depression'. He's texted 'thank you' a few times, probably being sarcastic. I don't think I should go home tonight?!

A potential bright spot: I saw a flat on my lunch hour which I can rent for 6 months. It's basically most of my salary but would get me some separation, available in early September. Not sure if I should just go for it? The deposit, etc isn't really a problem as we have lots of equity in the house (half of which is mine of course). It isn't what I want I'd rather stay in the house while he f*cks off to the other place. But I keep coming back to square 1 how do you leave?

As it is I could stay in hotels etc until the flat's available, if I take it. Our house would be sitting empty/going on the market. I wish I could get solicitor's advice on this but min isn't repsonding do I put myself at a disadvantage if I leave/rent? it will be many many pounds down the drain if I pay a 6 months lease then don't use it--

Why do you keep telling us about what he said or what he did?

Yes just go for it OP. Rent the flat for 6 months, don't throw money down the drain by not using it: just do it. Ask for support from your kids and your counsellor. You will get through this.

I recognise the details, I'm pretty sure you've posted here before, I'm sorry you still have managed to get away yet. But it's great news that you're getting ready to do so.

Sorry for going on and on about it but I still don't know how to leave. I know it should be easy but it isn't. He just called and said I had massively depressed him and asked me to pick him up at the tube station.

I think I should just drive away and stay in a hotel?!!

Am still at work, crying at my desk.

Ahhhh I know exactly how you feel. I used to take my kids to school and then park somewhere quiet and sit and cry because I couldnt face going home.

Look. I was utterly terrified of my ex but I managed to get away. Eventually.

It is very hard to take the first steps but once you do you will wonder why on earth you didnt do it sooner. It really isnt as hard as you fear.

If you stay in a hotel what about your children?

SlightlyI know it must seem overwhelming but you can do this.

Don't look too far ahead. Just go in little steps. Do you think you could ring/text your DD and DS and tell them you are going to a hotel for tonight (so they won't worry)? Then don't pick up your H. Text him to say you won't be home tonight, then turn your phone off. Then go to a hotel. One step at a time.

The first step is the worst moment. It's like you are in a swimming pool hanging onto the edge because you think you'll drown if you let go. Let go. You won't drown, I promise.

I know it's not remotely comparable, but I thought I would never have the courage to see a solicitor. Then one day I nerved myself to do it. The world didn't end. In fact I felt better for taking an active step. And so will you.

Can you afford the flat? If you can - take it. It gets you out. It gives you breathing space away from him while both properties are sold if necessary. It gets you away from him. You will be able to think clearly.

I think your plan of living in ine house while he is in the other and swapping when necessary is unworkable. He will make it hell for you.

If your kids will be okay then I would definitely go to a hotel and go for the flat.

What you need to be doing in order to get away is detaching from your husband completely internally. To stop thinking about his demands, his needs, his guests, his reactions, what he said this morning.

Is your counsellor trained in da? Have you talked about trauma bonds?

The reason you're having such difficulty leaving him is because you are so enmeshed with him.

The first step is to recognise that nothing about him is your responsibility any more. And that the rest of your life is now your own. You don't need to think about him any more.

Have got together all the documents you need to leave? Passport, birth certificate bank details, mortgage details, investments etc? Are you ready on a practical level?

Thanks-- I can afford the flat, barely, but there's the equity which is sort of my savings. The kids should be OK... DS is 21, just plays computer games at home, waiting to start a job in september. DD is at a music festival until Monday. I have no family in this country, don't want to lean on friends, it's stupid when all I want to do is go home tonight and chill out with the cat. DS can look after cat tonight. New flat is close to my (beloved) gym, there's a nice sitting room where I can imagine myself, it's the sort of place H would absolutely hate. But I guess I should confirm to them that I want it as they'll have others interested, and pay a deposit. I think I can do that tomorrow, assuming they work saturday.

Now I'll just have to drive off, into the unknown, and I guess look for a hotel, I thought about going to France for the weekend but passport is (hidden) at home. Hmmmm.

Vivacia I don't understand why she wouldn't tell us.
She has a support thread underway and is putting things down for us to read and understand.

Don't apologise on your own thread. You can write what ever like and you are very much allowed to go on and on
That is what this site is all about.

OP - definitely stay in a hotel tonight.
You don't the shit you are going to be dealt if you go home tonight.

He's just manipulating you in what he is saying and doing.
Ignore it. It's all designed to make you feel sorry for him (or guilty) and stay.

What do you think would happen if you went home tonight?

You could go home and get yourself organised to leave tomorrow or you could get a few things and go tonight.

I've just texted a friend, going over there for dinner. She might ask me to stay but last time this happened he texted/called/hassled us mercilessly and she was very involved... but lastminute.com has not offered up too many options re: hotels, but just chancing it at a holiday inn might work. I'm totally annoyed with the whole situation!

Cider I might go back, I suppose, I would have to be very apologetic, he's been in rages before but it would be more like a HUGE LOAD of guilt rather than physical violence... but if I get the flat organized I could work towards that.

why why why do people talk themselves into staying in such toxic situations over and over and over again ?

OP, this thread isn't helping you to leave is it ? It is simply a chronicle of how awful your relationship is, and yet you find reasons to stay. Does respondent's shock at how you are living have no impact on you at all ? What would it actually take for you to get this man out of your life and out of your head? That is what you need to examine.

Well in that case I would take your friend up on her offer but don't tell him where you are. Then turn off your phone so you can't see his texts.

When will he be out of the house so you can go and get passport etc?

hellsbells my point is what Twinkle and AnyFucker are getting at. I think that the OP needs to view this as not about him and what he thinks and what he feels etc. It needs to be about her and her needs and what she wants and what action she is taking.

(Sorry for talking about you in third person OP).

I am posting out of sheer frustration at my lack of action, I am angry and upset with myself.

At the moment, the op's whole raison d'etre is to consider what he thinks and what he feels and manage his feelings

Until there is a significant shift in that, I am sorry to say that these threads are basically hot air and not much substance. Respondents get angry on her behalf, she comes back with more detail of how awful it is but makes no real moves to escape

I am seeing no real shift in outlook from op here, sadly

You needn't be though OP, as people have pointed out, your apparently irrational behaviour is recognised and has labels.

op, how bad does it have to get before you simply walk out of the door

You can do that, any time you like

The only chains you bear are of your own making

RENT THE FLAT.
RENT THE FLAT.
RENT THE FLAT.