at wit's end-- how do I leave this situation?

[aSlightlyDifferentName]

I've posted before at great length about my EA and VA husband, married 24 years or so, 2 kids uni age. I'm past the point of needing to leave him, I just cannot figure out how to do it. I've spoken to WA on many occassions, got a solicitor lined up, have spoken about safety plans, I've been seeing a DV counsellor for many weeks, but still cannot figure out what I'm supposed to do. I know it has to be my decision to leave, but as much as I want to I seem to be stuck in a treacle situation and cannot make a move.

I'm ashamed of my behaviour. I bit him this morning. I would have done worse. I've never been violent and he isn't specifically violent towards me although he's abusive in other ways.

The short story (there is a long story as well) this morning I woke up early so decided to go to the gym before leaving for work. He objected to this for various reasons but I went anyway and he SAID I could go. Got home 30 mins later to a barrage of abuse... including that I should have stayed in bed 'and sucked his cck' (sorry for the foul language but that IS what he said) then he went through a list of all my faults, ie I am not supportive of him... and I don't 'fck'. Then he said I needed to get a book about 'how to be a wife', as I obviously have no clue how to keep a man happy.

I told him... 'yes, I agree, I cannot be the wife you want' ... there were a few more words, ie me stating nicely that I would offer to leave the premises if he thinks I'm not living up to my job description as 'wife' ... then, (I think sensing I was about to announce I was leaving him) he came over and hugged me and I had such a vile feeling that I bit him. Fairly hard (he didn't seem to notice though) on the shoulder. I could have done more damage. I immdiately stopped, pulled away but the feeling of teeth on flesh (through shirt) has stayed with me all day. I know this is not healthy behaviour... I know I am perhaps at my wits end. Called solicitor, no real advice other than he'll do a letter for me which we can post/send with papers when I'm ready, my question is: what should I do, should I leave NOW or should I make HIM leave? There's a stupid complication in that we have guests coming later this week and he's made me promise to help with them, I know myself and I know I won't leave them in the lurch. He 'sprung' the guest thing on me a couple of weeks ago, I wouldn't have agreed. I'm upset about that already as these are labour-intensive guests who require a lot of looking after and he's expecting me to take time off of work which I haven't agreed.

I feel I need to do something. It's not going to happen otherwise as he's clearly too invested in making me 'pay' for all my faults that he won't go of his own accord. Also I'm scared of tipping him over into violence. So I can carefully lay the groundwork over the next few days and be out when guests leave. Or I can tell him I will come in to help with guests on a daily basis but basically move out, to a hotel or similar. Would be weird perhaps. Or I can leave him in the lurch with guests but I'm such a pushover I know I won't.

So that's my question, how do you leave an abusive relationship when you're at wits end, literally, how do you go? I can't get my head around going to a hotel, although I've been thinking about it all day. Should I ask him to leave (there's another place he could go) on the basis that I'm worried that I will be violent towards him? I suppose I could turn myself in to the police?! Or I could go to the other place (a weekend house we own) and see if he follows me, and if he follows me, come back to the (main) house?! how do you 'declare' a separation?

I might be better off keeping quiet and waiting until after the weekend. Sorry if this is a bit of a jumble. Just been thinking that I've turned a corner, in a way, and my violent act (I really felt rage) should provoke the action I need to take. He's always saying that I am 'mental' ... I don't think I am, I've laughed it off in the past but I had a terrifying vision that perhaps this could come true.

Do you think your H would agree to it?
Anything is workable if both parties co-operate.
He's not the type though is he?
You're still finding all the excuses you can.
If you can commute from the other place then go there.
Pack your stuff and go.
I realise that's easier said than done though.

Shocking way to live OP, never to late to leave a toxic environment, you two are just destroying each other.

Cancel the guests and concentrate on you and your escape plan, you are making it sound harder than what it needs to be, just start with a list of what you need to do and take it one step at a time.

Surround yourself with support from family and friends too.

Get your stuff and go to your other house. Leave a note saying that it's over then make sure you have legal advice and are in good contact with women's Aid. If you're worried about him getting violent, speak to the police.

It's slightly easier than I make it sound because he's gone today to the other house. And the guests are intending to stay at the other house, not this one (in London). And he's been saying for months/years that he wants to put the London house on the market (he's always house hunting in the countryside but with a budget of X when it's actually going to be 1/2X...) so it will be a matter of me living in it while it's on the market. If he needs to stay overnight for work-related reason, I can't stop him, but I can be elsewhere with prior notice. I was thinking about getting an injuction a few weeks ago but that's fallen by the wayside, he's not violent 'enough' for it to be an issue. But as of now I have not done ANYTHING to let him know I'm serious about leaving. In fact, while I haven't denied anything, I've been careful to not let him know I've had solicitors etc advice because I know that the most dangerous time is when they know you're planning to leave. But. He needs to know, I'll get solicitor to advise whether my plan is workable. Otherwise back to the expensive hotel option. Or I leave the country?? a holiday?? but I won't enjoy it knowing he is stewing and scheming. I'm imagining that under my plan, if he does kick off I can be ready to put injunction in place if needed.

Still just thinking out loud-- action needed!

I would have thought that if he has been violent, then that's enough for an injunction? Someone with more knowledge will be more accurate though.

I've emailed my solicitor with detailed proposal. I will give him a call tomorrow. I've already got some stuff in storage and will take advantage of his absence to put more things in tonight/tomorrow morning. Of course if I'm staying I won't need to store everything but it's made me feel more secure having it.

madlizzy he's been cautioned by police for threatening violence towards me, probably enough there to get an injuction, but not sure if that's the best place to start. I'll see what solicitor says, in either case having a firm proposal is a big step forward for me.

Dear lord, what a dreadful situation! Has it been like this for 24 years? What do your kids say?

To quickly answer one of your initial questions - you don't "declare a separation" unless you have compelling religious reasons. You just serve a divorce petition. If you're still living together (you don't have to, but many do,) there are rules about how you do that. But the main thing is get your divorce started. From what you've described, I think you should make yourself physically absent before doing so. He's not going to like it.

You could contact NCDV about the injunction. They can provide emergency injunctions for free, it it gets bad enough.
But they should be able to advise you on what is possible or not at the moment.

As he has threatened violence, I'd get out first and be safe and then let him know.
You don't owe him anything.
But you owe yourself and your children to be safe.
If you feel you need to tell him in person make sure you have someone with you and then just walk out.
Also change locks or lock up wherever you're staying.

Slightly, this is massively trite but I think you need it.

Stop trying to cover every eventuality before you come to it, you're frying your brain! Either pack & go, or wave him off & change the locks.

Sod the guests.

OP you can't plan for every eventuality, or predict it. You have been conciliatory to him for 24 years - once you (rightly) declare your own standing he may react unpredictably. You can't account for that and you are not responsible for it.

You are stalling. I've seen up close what damage abusive relationships do to decision making and perspective (and my friend's relationship was months not years) so you have huge sympathy from me. But you need to leave, very soon. And you need to tell him, soon.

Your son is fairly grown up, right? He can make his own plans I'm sure.

Your solicitor can liaise with your ex about living arrangements. It can be sorted. You will manage. You are so adaptable that you have been dealing with the whims of an abusive partner for decades. You can do this.

But don't delay. Guests aren't important, work will understand, you will move on. Promise.

If you are wonderfully fortunate enough to have a bolt hole then truly, go there now! Honestly, everything can be sorted from a distance and:

hoping (?) he'd leave and make it easy

is a waste of energy and time. The two of you are wrecking each other, as someone earlier said. I totally get why you bit him but it's all an escalation isn't it ... he's bringing out the worst in you. Or maybe it's a case of your inner self clawing her way out, trying to let you know that no more can or will be tolerated.

We ALL have a worst side *wince and so you may be in a situation now where inner survival is at stake.

Just leave without bloodshed. Let solicitors handle the rest.
Then get happy!

oh yes .. cancel the guests! Promises made in such a toxic environment are not promises. They're coercion, control and various other things but not a promise in the pure-of-spirit and intent kind.

Op have a read of the thread called 'how far can he take the stressed from work' or something like that. Sorry I can't link I 'm on my phone! She has a plan & is executing it perfectly! It might inspire you!

Thanks all for the perspective. And garlic thank you for the leaving pass it's a crazy-making situation. I sat on the sofa with DD last night, we chatted for hours about things, she is scared of H but wants to see him get help. But she (rightly) thinks it's no excuse for him to behave so selfishly. For example after I'd left for work yesterday at 8am he was so incensed that he went around the house trying to find me, for 20 mins or so, bellowing out my name, woke both kids up. That's just so selfish. It's sort of a minor thing but she knows it isn't right. And that attitude 24/7 makes for a truly horrible atmosphere. On the other hand, when things (rarely these days) are to H's satisfaction he is nice as pie. Classic manipulator?

Now I've woken up stupidly early, I need to make a plan for leaving/staying/injunction etc but am worn out from the week so far. On a minor note I'm pleased I've kept my gym/yoga commitments this week despite that 'priority' setting off almighty rows. Grateful for small mercies!

jane thanks for reminding, I'd lurked that thread at the start but hadn't caught up on recent developments. I need to capture some of that resolve.

On the other hand, when things (rarely these days) are to H's satisfaction he is nice as pie. Classic manipulator?

Yes.
He's not prepared to compromise. It's all about his wants.

he was so incensed that he went around the house trying to find me, for 20 mins or so, bellowing out my name

That sounds, frankly, rather terrifying at every level ...

That shook me, as well, tipsy. Mainly because Slightly and her daughter see it as a minor thing.

To be fair... H wasn't hunting me down in a predatory way, ie searching high and low all over the house, but just hadn't taken in, or chose not to believe, the fact that I had left the premises. I am not trying to minimize the fact that he woke everyone up (this was told to me by DD) and it did go on for ages according to her (I got nasty phone calls afterwards).

But I'm thinking that this level of selfishness is almost just as bad?? If I accidently wake him up he is, of course, furious.

BTW... he has recently (a week ago) re-started taking anti-D's and I had a phone call from him an hour ago, begging me to tell him that everything was going to be OK (ick in the extreme) and saying that his brain was scrambled from the pills. Manipulative I think. May be partially true however which means I need to make my plans accordingly. Sollicitor is doing letter and thought my proposal a good one in the circumstances, I think he'll have to hold off sending until guests have been and gone-- next week.

'But I'm thinking that this level of selfishness is almost just as bad??'

It's bad OP. BAD. All of it. Bad, bad, bad, unhealthy, abusive and ghastly. You're still falling into the trap of minimising his behaviour. Absolutely no-one should have to live like this. It sounds like you get nothing good from this relationship. I completely agree with your description of him as a classic manipulator. There is no living in peace with people like this - nothing is ever good enough for them, you spend your life walking on eggshells. You know this. You deserve so much more than this.

'Manipulative I think'

I think that you think right! Well done for thinking of yourself first here. Ignore the pleading and whining - this is classic stuff when they think they are losing control of you. They start pleading illness or threatening to hurt themselves. Its textbook.

Keep moving forward with your plans.

Lotta I'll be the first to admit, I've had financial security out of this relationship. And he's always very quick to remind me of that. I know I'll have money worries when we split but I'm good at living on a budget. I was going to say I'd have a lower standard of living but actually sadly even though we've got enough money we don't actually enjoy anything right now. Not a thing. The nicest things feel like a chore when he's around. He's nagging for a holiday but after last year's which was a tense and stressful but expensive production... I just cannot! Being in the house when he's not around feels like a holiday! Going to work is fun compared to spending a day with him.

OP, stop minimising his awful behaviour, you will see it even more clearly when you eventually get away from it.

You have a chance, take it, so what if you will be worse off, you will budget accordingly, don't ever be reliant on a man financially, stand on your own two feet and live within your means, not his.