at wit's end-- how do I leave this situation?

[aSlightlyDifferentName]

I've posted before at great length about my EA and VA husband, married 24 years or so, 2 kids uni age. I'm past the point of needing to leave him, I just cannot figure out how to do it. I've spoken to WA on many occassions, got a solicitor lined up, have spoken about safety plans, I've been seeing a DV counsellor for many weeks, but still cannot figure out what I'm supposed to do. I know it has to be my decision to leave, but as much as I want to I seem to be stuck in a treacle situation and cannot make a move.

I'm ashamed of my behaviour. I bit him this morning. I would have done worse. I've never been violent and he isn't specifically violent towards me although he's abusive in other ways.

The short story (there is a long story as well) this morning I woke up early so decided to go to the gym before leaving for work. He objected to this for various reasons but I went anyway and he SAID I could go. Got home 30 mins later to a barrage of abuse... including that I should have stayed in bed 'and sucked his cck' (sorry for the foul language but that IS what he said) then he went through a list of all my faults, ie I am not supportive of him... and I don't 'fck'. Then he said I needed to get a book about 'how to be a wife', as I obviously have no clue how to keep a man happy.

I told him... 'yes, I agree, I cannot be the wife you want' ... there were a few more words, ie me stating nicely that I would offer to leave the premises if he thinks I'm not living up to my job description as 'wife' ... then, (I think sensing I was about to announce I was leaving him) he came over and hugged me and I had such a vile feeling that I bit him. Fairly hard (he didn't seem to notice though) on the shoulder. I could have done more damage. I immdiately stopped, pulled away but the feeling of teeth on flesh (through shirt) has stayed with me all day. I know this is not healthy behaviour... I know I am perhaps at my wits end. Called solicitor, no real advice other than he'll do a letter for me which we can post/send with papers when I'm ready, my question is: what should I do, should I leave NOW or should I make HIM leave? There's a stupid complication in that we have guests coming later this week and he's made me promise to help with them, I know myself and I know I won't leave them in the lurch. He 'sprung' the guest thing on me a couple of weeks ago, I wouldn't have agreed. I'm upset about that already as these are labour-intensive guests who require a lot of looking after and he's expecting me to take time off of work which I haven't agreed.

I feel I need to do something. It's not going to happen otherwise as he's clearly too invested in making me 'pay' for all my faults that he won't go of his own accord. Also I'm scared of tipping him over into violence. So I can carefully lay the groundwork over the next few days and be out when guests leave. Or I can tell him I will come in to help with guests on a daily basis but basically move out, to a hotel or similar. Would be weird perhaps. Or I can leave him in the lurch with guests but I'm such a pushover I know I won't.

So that's my question, how do you leave an abusive relationship when you're at wits end, literally, how do you go? I can't get my head around going to a hotel, although I've been thinking about it all day. Should I ask him to leave (there's another place he could go) on the basis that I'm worried that I will be violent towards him? I suppose I could turn myself in to the police?! Or I could go to the other place (a weekend house we own) and see if he follows me, and if he follows me, come back to the (main) house?! how do you 'declare' a separation?

I might be better off keeping quiet and waiting until after the weekend. Sorry if this is a bit of a jumble. Just been thinking that I've turned a corner, in a way, and my violent act (I really felt rage) should provoke the action I need to take. He's always saying that I am 'mental' ... I don't think I am, I've laughed it off in the past but I had a terrifying vision that perhaps this could come true.

rent the flat.

pick up your things when you can. get important docs that you might need.

start divorce proceedings.

start living.

not in that order.

Go for the flat.
Call a holiday Inn and book for tonight.
(Make sure he doesn't have the slightest idea where the flat is.)
When you're safe and away, continue legal proceedings.
Don't be upset with yourself for a second longer. Start making calls. You can do this OP. Tell us how you get on.

I'm guessing yours was a fairly traditional marriage from the start and 24 years is a big chunk of time.
However, worrying about the consequences is adding to your inaction. He seems good on telling you about the consequences of your actions so you've been well trained to act the way he wants you to. Life won't be as comfortable or predictable post-marriage but at least it will be safer, freer, and with the chance of so much more happiness. For that all uncertainty is worth it.
Neither the counsellor or the solicitor will be able to tell you what to do emotionally or practically, they can pick up the pieces at best by helping you deal with the fallout i.e. legal rights, emotional reaction.
You have two properties, you sound like you have a good job, the gym sounds like your salvation. So it's time to jump into the pool that is your future.
Check list of what you need i.e. passport, documents, bank details and go. Surely friends would put you up for a bit? Or book that holiday and go alone.
Once you've told him you want a divorce then that's it. He is going to have to face it. And you know he isn't going to change - divorce will make him behave even worse.
Your DCs are adults, it sounds as if you are hiding the extent of his behaviour from them. You must know they will want you to be safe and happy?
Hope you are in that hotel tonight OP having a

Please dear lady, LEAVE ... just do it. Make a camp somewhere else and start removing your stuff from the mausoleum to there as and when ...

so the flat would be better than a travel lodge for that ... it would be a start ... and you know what? he'd never even know you'd got the flat if you never told him ... you could be moving stuff out under his bloody nose for days without him knowing why or what was going on ... i did that myself ... would have been funny if it wasn't so scary ...

There is never a "good time" to do major things, having a child, parents dying, ending an unhappy marriage, but they happen anyway.
You've done the charade of the weekend guests, now you can get in with your own life, I think your children will be so aware of the situation that they will totally understand.
However, to put a spanner in the works. I don't understand why on earth you would spend most of your salary renting a flat when you co-own a property, just tell him which one you are staying in, tell him which one he is to stay in then change the locks on yours.

what hillyhilly said makes a lot of sense ...

I realise i got distracted by the everything else going on with you Slightly when what's needed is clarity and a simple plan that involves separation ...