What is wrong with 30-something, single women?

[Male30something]

Hi there,

I hate to generalise, so I want to emphasise that what I am about to share is purely anecdotal and based on my experiences over the last couple of years. I really feel I need a female perspective hence me posting here - sorry to take up your time.

I had a couple of rewarding longterm relationships in my 20s which didn't work out for one reason or another and now aged over 30 I have started to date more seriously once again.

The problem is, single women in their 30s are totally different to 20 somethings.

I have dated semi-seriously four women in this age group over the last couple of years (one after another of course!) and I have been unable to take any of these relationships further because of one problem:

All four women are obsessed with jumping the gun and planning family/children etc. Now I appreciate women have different body pressures as they age and the fertility window is not that large, but it seems to me that all four of these lovely women value an incredible connection with a partner at a lower level than they do having children - possibly even with anyone vaguely suitable!

I haven't decided whether I want children personally, but I'm much more likely to end up wanting to have children with someone I have an amazing connection with I reckon. It is sad that so many women my age don't prioritise a loving relationship before children. All four women shared my interests eg exercise, travel, history, languages etc to varying degrees.

I'm sorry if I'm wrong on this - I'm just feeling a little dejected after a split, where for the fourth time in a row I have felt the same issues arise. I just spoke to the lovely lady in question who was upset that she will now have to wait even longer to have a child - proving my point once again. Different priorities? Where are the romantics?

Women in their 30s who want children do need to be getting a move on. If you don't want children, that's fine - it's up to you - but make sure you are upfront about not wanting them. It is a basic biological unfairness that men can delay having children for a lot longer than women can. And wmen in their 30s who want children are justifiably wary of the man who is stalling and fannying around and saying 'maybe' as they will have heard too many stories of men who keep on saying 'maybe next year' to their partners until the woman is too old to have children - at which point the man dumps her and takes up with a younger woman and has kids...

If you want to date women your own age but don't want children, or don't want them yet, I suggest you make this clear, and maybe even look into joining some of the childfree groups and looking for dates there.

Some women in their 30s don't want children at all. Some have had their children and don't want any more. It's fine to want what you want as long as you're honest about it.

I think you're going to get ripped to shreds on here with a thread title like that.

Err, really?

If you are thirty something and aren't sure if you want children, it is perfectly sensible for a thirty something woman who is sure that she does to break up with you.

If you were, say, Jewish, and it was important to you to have serious relationships with someone of the same religion, would you go on more than a couple of dates with a non-believer who wondered vaguely about converting one day but had no particular drive or timetable to do so?

Or, what SGB said.

I could start a thread "What is wrong with 30-something single men who don't know if they want children or not?" over on a forum with 90% male posters. But I wouldn't be so rude.

Still, I can't help feeling the responses you'll get will be kinder than the ones I would...

I don't think there's anything wrong for a woman to have thought about what she wants from a relationship and to make that clear to a man she dates.

If a woman has decided that she definitely wants children at some point, then why should she continue in a relationship with a man who's undecided about whether he wants children? What if she got into a relationship with you, all the while hoping that you'd decide you wanted children, developed this amazing connection, and then you decided that you didn't want children? One partner wanting children and the other not is the kind of thing that can break a relationship apart, no matter how good things seemed at first.

Better to get it all out in the open to begin with.

Sorry I didn't mean to cause offence by the thread title. I'm not against having children at all. I know that I will definitely want them with the right woman, but why would I give any thought to having kids with someone when we haven't yet established a deep relationship yet?

Incidentally I ended 3 of these 4 relationships (didn't want to say, but as assumptions have been made, thought it best to clarify)

If you did know for sure that you wanted children OP and you had about 5 years before your fertility went into sharp decline, I think you'd understand where this instinct comes from.

I do agree that a good, strong relationship is very important before having children but then again, nothing is guaranteed. It takes a lifetime to get to know someone properly and unless you meet very young and stay together for several years before having children, you are still at risk of ending up incompatible.

Also, people change over time and you will either grow together, or grow apart. Find out very early on what the 'deal breakers' are for you both. Do you have the same political views, financial approach, religious tolerance, etc. These are the bedrock of any relationship and can be discussed quite early on in the 'getting to know you' stage.

You probably just haven't met the right one for you yet. Be honest about yourself and when it happens, you'll know it. Nothing will seem too quick.

I don't want kids. In my late 30's I signed up to a dating site and every single man who contacted me had "Maybe" as his "Want kids?" status. I did wonder how so many men could get to 35+ and still not have made their minds up about something so important. So it goes both ways, OP.

I'd assume most had a preference but didn't want a definite answer to rule out dates either way.

You say each of your relationships have been semi-serious. I would say at this stage it is important to find out if your potential long term partner is interested in having children or not.
I would hazard a guess that these relationships did not excite you enough to ignite a spark. I'm sure that one day you will meet a woman whom you fall head over heels in love with and you will agree to kids, Labradors and holidays to Florida! You just haven't met her yet.

OP, in the next five years, let's say you have to move to Australia or you'll never be allowed into the country . You've always wanted to live there, since you were little, but it's pretty difficult to go there without a life partner. It's a major life goal for you to go there. Would you spend much time in a relationship with someone who wasn't sure if they wanted to go?

Having children is more important to some women than having a loving relationship. Both don't always meet in the middle. You happen to have met four women who are prioritising children. I suppose it's the natural order to procreate & these women need you in the picture.
Life is more fun in general in your 20s, so you can't compare the dating game to that of your 30s. The goalposts have probably moved in your career etc too. The idealism of youth falls away at an alarming rate...
A lot more women are having kids before getting married. Or not sticking with the father of their children. And even if you do make the perfect connection & find your perfect love, that might all change once you've had kids...

Haha regarding the labradors! One of my hobbies is training labs and retrievers to be guide dogs (sadly I don't get the nice job of taking any home for home training as I have long working hours!). It is just some voluntary work I do for a charity!. Soz.. off topic

I remember the year I turned 30 being out socialising and a random guy saying to me in conversation 'you're 30? Oh you're just looking for a husband' I wasn't looking for anyone actually I was just out of a ltr. I think some men are paranoid women are trying to put a ring on their finger!!

@ABland. I would honestly prioritise a loving relationship over where I lived.

Interesting points Alleycat. I think you're right about the idealism of youth, although perhaps that is my problem - I haven't lost it!?

Establishing a 'deep' relationship doesn't take that long.

It does sound like you're fannying round or maybe just haven't met the right connection yet.

I think a lot of people have ludicrously idealistic views of love.

If your in your 30s and want children, marriage and a life you need to find someone who shares your ideals about those - the really doesn't take longer than a year

In no other time did folk fuck about trying out the goods before getting on with it.

Fertility hasn't changed no matter how much we like to pretend it does

If a woman in her 30s is sure she wants to have children then yes, she does have to prioritise that. She doesn't have time to fanny about with someone who isn't sure.

Ok, that's fine. But would you ask what's wrong with someone else who made a different decision, either in the basis of emigrating or, perhaps, on the basis of religion ?

You must have some relationship deal breakers, OP - smoking, fox hunting, a liking for "deal or no deal" - why can't women?

It's also a false dichotomy you are presenting - if a woman wants children, why shouldn't she be seeking a loving relationship with someone else who wants them?

I'm in the opposite position, I have children and don't want any more but my last and current partner don't have children. They want children. I'm not opposed completely to having another but he'd have to be pretty damn special to make me consider.
So, I think once you meet someone you really connect with, you will not even think twice about having a family with her.

It's nothing to do with there being something 'wrong' with women in their thirties: they simply want to be clear that they don't want to waste time with a bloke who is arsefarting around and has no intention of settling down. It doesn't mean that they will put up with any old shite, or not want to develop a close connection first, but they simply need to give fair warning to the casual shaggers. That's only sensible, surely?

Or, what BOF said.

I guess like many guys I don't deal in certainties and absolutes e.g. I'm open to having children, I'm open to not, I'm open to changing career at some point, I'm open to staying in the one I'm in. This doesn't mean I'm unimaginative or lacking passion - it is just that there are multiple options and multiple opportunities to review these options!

The only absolute I have latched onto is that I want to find a life partner/wife.

I guess this is a problem then..

PS I am not a casual shagger!